Is this too soon to move in together?

[bananasarent]

Sorry if this is long - just trying to avoid a drip feed...

I'm 37 and have some fertility issues (eg peri menopause - referred to early menopause clinic and awaiting appointments). I have frozen some eggs thankfully but no guarantee of anything. I 100% want children. I would consider this alone with sperm donor if this relationship does not work but not keen on it..

I have been with my partner for almost a year (from first meeting, but we were exclusive/official within a few dates). My partner is 46 and may have some issues with low sperm count (only one test conducted - we agreed for him to have this test just for info - and need to redo this for accurate diagnosis). Likely therefore that if we were to have children it might be via IVF, although we would obviously try naturally first.

DP has always said that the right relationship is what he wants as a priority. He would love it if that leads to children but he doesn't want to rush things just because we're older etc. He knows that given his age when we even got together that there's no guarantee he might have kids and he would rather take time to know if the relationship is right before taking that step - even if it means he misses out on children. He was reassured that I had frozen some eggs though - this came out on the first date, so I do think it is important to him.

He is great with kids, very engaged with them, very kind, caring, emotional type guy (eg. he got teary when a friend's little toddler was leaving his and thanked him for having him etc!)

Problem is, he does not feel "ready" to move in together or basically progress the relationship. I have a flat in a city (where we both work) and he has a large (family!) house on the outskirts so it would be moving in with him. We usually spend 5ish nights a week together - often at his, say Thur night to Tues morning. I have made it clear if we "moved in together" then I would keep my flat and it just being empty/we use it occasionally so basically it's all on a trial basis. If it works, amazing, we progress. if not, then fine I move back out with my couple of suitcases of clothes or whatever and we move on.

I'm struggling to decide how big a deal this is that he does not want to do this - I've been in an on/off relationship with someone who messed me around re kids for a good 7ish years and just concerned I may have ended up in one again, despite what he says.. he has tried to reassure me that we're both on the same path but I'm just further ahead than him and he wants to feel "sure" and that he wants to feel like "I really want her here all the time" kind of thing before we move in together. Obviously I would like that too but I guess I just feel there's not really much to lose by just going for it so why wait? If he hates spending every night together then good to find out sooner rather than later.

Grateful for thoughts or advise on what I should say to him etc.

We've currently left it as me saying he needs to figure out what he's expecting to change/happen as I think this is his issue and we need to have another chat in a week or two as I'm not happy with the situation and don't want to waste my time..

And agree with PP if you want a child go and do it on your own. Don’t make someone who isn’t committed do it and focus on what you want. Don’t regret not doing it because of him

This! Go it alone. There's nothing worse than having an ex to have to co parent with. Tbh I wish I'd done it alone, it would have been a lot easier in the long run.

Trouble is frozen eggs have a much lower success rate than frozen embryos. I guess if you really like him and think it will come good, you could try to create some embryos to freeze using donor sperm if you still can as an insurance policy in case it doesn't? Or would you be happy using donor eggs if needed?

I'm a firm believer in listening to what's put in front of you. If he wanted you to move in you'd know! He doesn't and he's telling you loud and clear. He also doesn't want children but is hiding behind "maybe in the future".

Sorry, not read the full thread but you're there 5 nights a week already but he won't take the jump off the extra 2? Yeah, he's not into this at all, sorry OP!

Exactly. "Not ready" my arse.

This guy is messing you about,

I met my now husband when I was 33 and he was 46. We moved in together within 4 months. Yes it was very fast and lots of people were concerned we were rushing things, but we knew what we wanted. We weren’t entirely sure it was going to work out but we were falling in love and given his age wanted to give it a real chance. He proposed a year after we met; the wedding actually had to be postponed because it was booked the week our daughter was due (we started trying to conceive before because we both wanted a family more then anything). When our daughter was three months old we got married. I am now 37 and pregnant with our second child despite the fact we only met four years ago.

We are both very happy and I couldn’t imagine my life without him or our baby. I’m not saying it has been easy; moving together so soon was a bit of a roller coaster and the first year we were still getting to know each other so it was very intense, both good and bad. But four years on we knew each other so well having spent so much time together from the start, we have settled in to a stable, happy and supportive life. Most importantly we both have the family we wanted…

Please don’t take this or time for granted. There was nothing wrong with either of our fertilities and I was four years younger than you, but it still took me fifteen months to fall pregnant the first time and six the second. Unfortunately time is not on either of your sides… and if I was to take an educated guess, your boyfriend doesn’t care. He wants you as it is now. No house, no kids, no ring. Otherwise you would have those things or he would be working damn hard to get them for you. You need to decide if that (he) is enough for you without them. But from everything you’ve said I think you deserve a lot better, and you still have some time to get it. Don’t waste it because it will be gone before you know it.

At your age you don't have time to waste (even with frozen eggs). And him at age of 46 not getting it and not being ready to progress the relationship after almost a year is just wasting your time. You cannot give him ultimatums as that is going to be the thing to ruin your relationship down the line.

I can't imagine having self esteem so low that my offer would be 'I can move in but all traces of me can be gone in 24 hours' and still hanging around even after that offer was rejected because he's not ready for you to even make an option of yourself.

Please value yourself more highly.

If you are already staying g together 5 nights a week then maybe he just like two nights to himself. I'm long term married and would love this set up with my husband.

Is he taking precautions so that you don't get pregnant?

I think a year is too soon tbh but understand why you want to hurry it along.

Something else I would be considering is whether your relationship is strong enough to survive should you have a child with additional needs. Autism, for example, is more likely when the father is over 45.

Thanks for the replies. They really bolstered me to have the conversation and I was feeling very strong and ready to call it...but now I feel totally different.

To the poster who said how I didn't sound like I loved him etc and I was so practical etc...wow it's hit me just how much I do love him and I'm feeling so devastated at the idea of not being with him.

We've had some good honest conversations and he has suggested we take a few days to think about things, for him to talk to close friends etc and get some advice etc and see where we end up. He has accepted that it's not about it being "too soon" in relation to us but more the bigger fear or issues he has generally. So it's a case of moving in together or breaking up. Now I've pushed it to this I'm so petrified of losing him and our life together. I am really happy and honestly I didn't NEED to move in now, it was more the fact that I felt we needed to progress and both knew that's the first step. He's said it isn't really the living together part that worries him, but the marriage and babies part which he thinks are linked and I've always mentioned being linked etc. Which is true. I want all of that but I obviously wanted to live together first.

Unfortunately I feel now that these few days of thinking are now prolonging the inevitable? I've cried a lot and feel on the brink of it all the time.. He's tried to comfort me and saying things like he doesn't want to break up and we're just at a crossroads and haven't made any decisions yet and we need to take the time to think about things..but also he's said we just both need to make the decisions which are right for us..Which makes me feel like that only leads to us breaking up.

He's said it isn't really the living together part that worries him, but the marriage and babies part which he thinks are linked

I mean, this guy's a baby. He's 46, and he's basically hiding behind the couch at the prospect of being a husband and father. It's like he's just discovered the facts of life. At least he's not stringing you along with "let's move in together", though - at least he's honest that he has a problem with the idea of marriage and children. That means you can get straight to the meat of the issue and not waste any more time on proxy issues. What you want is completely normal and reasonable, and at your age you obviously can't be dicking about like he has been doing. It's interesting that he has bought a family home for the family he saw himself having, yet balks at making that a reality. What does he say about that?

He's said it isn't really the living together part that worries him, but the marriage and babies part which he thinks are linked and I've always mentioned being linked etc. Which is true. I want all of that but I obviously wanted to live together first.
he doesnt want those things. He might do eventually but ehe. It is too late for you.

he's said we just both need to make the decisions which are right for us.
there isnt one. You want marriage and children. He doesnt. The best case scenario is he changes his mind quickly. The worst is he strings you along until it is too late for you.

This man is a fucking master of talking out of both sides of his mouth.

I was married within a year of meeting my wife so may not be the person to ask, but given your circumstances I would be concerned if he wasn’t happy to trial living together, even if he’s not ready to try for kids for a little while longer.

You are absolute not on the same page because children are a priority for you and they aren’t for him. His relationship history says an awful lot, he likes the sound of kids way more that the reality.

If you want kids don’t piss anymore of your time away on another man who isn’t ready.

He has had a hood two decades to have kids if he wanted them. At his age, if he was keen to be a dad, I think he'd be a dad. I hope you get your dream soon

He's 46. If he wanted a wife and children he'd be eager to move in and get started. Cut your losses, OP.

OP, I really feel for you but I think it sounds like your partner just isn't the right person for you right now.

It sounds like conceiving might not be easy for you both and, if that's the case, you really need someone who is all in for that because it could be a difficult journey.

And who's to know if this man would actually cope with the realities of fatherhood if he's scared to even live with you at his age?

If you know that you want children more than anything then I think you will need to move on from this relationship.

So he’s not ready now at the age of 46 to even move in together. He wants a family but not now so how old will he be when he finally comes around to the idea. 50? Then if he/you/both of you together have problems conceiving, he could be into his 50s.

Also why is he speaking to friends about whether or not to move in with you? Isn’t he old enough to make his own decisions? He’s got a family home and he’s met someone who wants a family but he’s still not sure. Sorry op he has got to be all in and he’s not.

We've had some good honest conversations and he has suggested we take a few days to think about things, for him to talk to close friends etc and get some advice etc and see where we end up.

^ I am sorry but this man is 46 and wants to take a few days to think about things and talk to his friends!? He sounds like a child. I understand you love him but this is not going to end well down the line when life becomes challenging. From everything you have told us I really don't think this is the man to build life with.

Sorry hon, this is the part where the commitmentphobia meets the road.

At 46 if he really wanted kids and the family life he’d either have them by now or be proactively moving towards them. Your sense of fear about the loss of the relationship is fair but you didn’t cause him to get cold
feet by asking for some clarity/progress. It’s best to go through this now than in a couple of years’ time.

Alternatively if you did manage to lead him towards kids and marriage over time, you’ll likely be gradually worn down by his half-heartedness. You might get the kids you want, and even the marriage, but be prepared to do most of the work and be resented for the small portion he does.

You can’t make someone have the same values as you and he clearly doesn’t, or he’d be on the same page as you. Take it from someone who’s been there and got the divorce papers.

Sorry if this sounds harsh OP but I think you are confusing your disappointment of having to give up on what you thought was a relationship heading to marriage and babies and and the fear of losing it (him) with feelings of love.

He's 46 and needs to talk to friends about you moving in/creating a family together. What are they going to tell him that you already don't know. He may talk the talk, he probably believes it himself but deep down if he wanted all you are offering he would be excitedly planning your future together.

Create your own future independently of him and maybe the perfect man will appear when you least expect and if he doesn't you will already be much further down the road you want to take as opposed to waiting for him to make any decisions. He may end up alone and lonely, don't end up in the same situation place because of him.