Mumsnet double standards?

[Runaway123]

So there are always lots of threads on here about women in pieces with finding out husbands have been messaging other women/having emotional affairs (not talking full on physical affairs here). I myself was one of these asking for advice when I had a situation like this.
All advice on my thread and any other thread like this was the same, LTB, he's a pig, these men are terrible, you'd be better off without them, I couldn't be with someone like this, you'll never trust again, he's disrespected you etc etc.
Fair enough, BUT, there's a recent thread on here full of women who all appear to be having these emotional type affairs, texting other men etc, some of you saying how you can't stop thinking of them. But whilst also having partners and family's (indeed some saying how lovely their actual husbands are) and all supporting each other and going as far as saying it's men your texting that are all to blame. It's always the men's fault!
I don't get it. Why the double standards. Why does it sean perfectly acceptable for women to be having these emotional type affairs situations, but when a man does it, it's awfull terrible, the woman should leave them etc.
Am I missing something? No one on the current thread I'm talking about seams to care how their husband would feel if they knew they couldn't stop thinking about another man, or indeed how these other men's wives would feel if they knew what their husbands were doing with you!
Aware this might cause a bit of controversy, but I'm genuinely intrigued about this. Are there two different types of people on mumsnet? And if so, the women who are in these emotional type things with another man, where are you when someone posts about their husband doing this with advice saying " it's ok, it happens, doesn't mean husband doesnt love you as I'm doing it and I still love my husband"
Does anyone else agree (or disagree ) with me? And if disagree, why? I'm interested in your thoughts munsnetters!

To be honest, I'd think any man having an emotional affair is a man hoping for an extra-marital shag but not prepared to push it. A woman having an emotional affair is probably lonely in her marriage and needing validation and support. So I do think the motivations are different.

@5128gap

Here's the example you asked for.
Knew it wouldn't be long.

Here here.
Men have a much easier ride in life in general. There are Massive double standards in favour of men EVERYWHERE in society. Women are guilty for everything, blamed for everything. On top of the inequality and judgment. I’m sick to fucking death of men infiltrating MN-the one tiny corner of the internet we have to support each other. What you’ve posted about is not even accurate- in my experience and as you can see, other pp’s. Noone should have affairs obviously I make that clear but in the vast majority of cases when Iv seen the few posts about a woman having an affair it’s a situation where her partner is an abusive lazy piece of shit that treats her like dirt, yet when the man cheats you hear how he is consistently an abusive, lazy piece of shit and treats her like dirt. Women want loving caring relationships and the vast majority are good caring mothers. Stop trying to shoot down one of the few places we women can talk openly and support each other..

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Nearly. But not quite. The poster is talking about different motivations for EAs. Not saying that they're a good idea for women and not for men. However, I do think she has a point. Perhaps we should be applying more 'double standards' to these situations that take account of different motivations. So I appreciate you drawing my attention to her post. Its made me think I've perhaps been too egalitarian in my approach in the past and perhaps should be more supportive of women than I have been to date.🙂

None so blind.

WRT Emotional Affairs. Is there an acceptance of women in these because they are very unlikely to take it to a physical affair. Whereas the assumption is that men will always try and get sex.

When you've recovered from your attack of snark, has it ever occurred to you that men and women are essentially different? And that it's biologically hard wired?

Yes, if women are just as bad as men when it comes to affairs/extra-marital sex, how come sex workers are overwhelmingly female?

Reading some of these replies is interesting. What is clear is that if a woman comes on here having an affair and bleating ‘no sex, no help with house work, no emotional support etc etc’ it is clear she will just be believed.

If a man was to say the same I do think it’s fair to say he would be rightly ripped apart.

Part of the process of cheating involves you lying to yourself, creating cognitive dissonance to protect your sense of who you are (most like to believe we are good people with a strong moral compass) and then creating a narrative that works with this. That’s basic affair psychology. Many betrayed women are blown away by the nonsense that comes out of their cheating males mouths. MN roundly lets them know that he’s talking bs, and he’s just an absolute ‘whatever expletive comes to mind’.

I do find it surprising that when women say the same we get ‘you sound vulnerable’, ‘your needs clearly weren’t being met’ or ‘what a bastard your husband is’ a general mood of ‘he deserved it and leave him’.

That’s what is grating for many of us who do get the minds of a cheat while involved in an affair. They lie. And women do lie too.

I do agree that motivations for seeking validation on the whole are different, but there are men who genuinely are absolutely living in loveless marriages and women who just want the thrill and high of a new relationship.

Bottom line is cheats lie. Doesn’t matter which sex you are. Once you start lying it becomes easier cognitively, there is a very interesting study on this, it creates a rewiring of the brain. Very hard to be able to be sure reading a post from a female who is already cheating that her version of the truth is the truth and that is the difficult part. But that thinking often doesn’t occur on threads where women are cheating from many posters.

Isn’t there an old saying ‘the truth is somewhere in the middle’.

Definite double standards between men and women. It happens all the time on MN.

I agree with OP. Yes different people have different views, but there is very little understanding for a man in the same situation as a woman.

I was thinking about this recently when I saw another thread about a same sex couple; the OP was upset that her wife had withdrawn sex/intimacy. There was not the usual tear down that a man would get about how she shouldn’t be pestering her wife for sex, and that if she did more around the house/with the kids then maybe her wife would want to do it more. Instead there was understanding, support, suggestions.
Sadly it turned out that the OP’s wife had a distraction elsewhere. This is possibly the case for some men who have posted about the same thing, but he’s made to feel that he’s just a sex pest and it’s all his fault.

Another thread I saw about a lack of sex and intimacy in a marriage, the man said how much he did around the house/with the kids, as well as working, but he still got torn down like he was boasting about how great he was when it’s just what he should do anyway and shouldn’t expect sex just because he does those things. He wasn’t supported as a woman would be.

Many double standards exist! They don't want their OH/DP/Etc going to a strip club, yet happily attend a Magic Mike show or similar.
Don't want to be tied down by phone calls and curfews while out, but expext their significant other to keep them apprised if they are out...
Want people to be allowed to express their sexuality, yet have the vapours when a drag queen reads a story...
It"s always entertaining here!

happily attend a Magic Mike show or similar.

Dear goddess, the magic Mike cliche? Care to cite the Diet Coke ad as well?

All those poor trafficked male dancers 🤨

So much stupidity in this comment and subsequent clap it’s laughable!

You do realise that the men these women ‘cheat’ with to rediscover their lives and get away from their ‘terribly abusive’ relationship's have partners, betrayed women who do not deserve for the endless cycle of pain to be passed to them.

Do these betrayed women not deserve a ‘champion’ in these idiot ‘feminist’ posters? Or do they just think the cycle of hurt and abuse should continue?!!

I commented on that thread because I was in that situation and felt like I could contribute without judgement. I've never commented on any other thread. For what it's worth, I'd been unhappy with the lack of affection and intimacy in my marriage for some time. My husband refused to discuss it. I hoped it was just a rough patch so I didn’t want to leave. Another man came along and gave me all the things I thought were missing and it helped for a while. My husband started to notice I was happier, although somewhat distracted and began to realise there was a danger of losing me so he put more effort in and I started appreciating him more. We're much happier together and I've stopped contact with the other man. I'm not a victim. I made active and considered decisions, and I'm not looking for sympathy, understanding or approval from internet strangers and I'm not looking to blame anyone else for my choices. If my husband ever had an affair, of course I'd be hurt, but having done it, I'm certainly more understanding of things not being so black and white and depending on the circumstances, it's not necessarily a marriage ender for me.

@LizaMinnellisFurCoat so your husband knows his personal agency was stolen and that you were having an affair and he was given the option of making an informed decision to stay with you knowing with full transparency about your affair? As we’d expect for any woman on here being cheated on?

wtf are u on about? The poster was talking about men -the cheaters. You are pinning more blame on women here. How tf do you know these men have partners? And guess what? It’s STILL the man’s fault for cheating on both women! Dear oh dear.

You MUST be a man. fuck off MUMsnet.

NO WTF are you on about? You’re both applauding the idea that a woman cheating should carry on.

There is another woman often at the end of that lovely tale!

So you applaud the woman cheating but ignore the victim, of course these men often have partners! Only person here winning is a man cheating! It’s massively ironic and you can’t see that.

Really and now you’re accusing me of being a man! Are you frickin crazy?!

I am female. I give a shit about betrayed woman. And shock horror have little time for anyone involved in causing pain through affairs whether male or female! Certainly wouldn’t be applauding them!

It’s a bit of a leap to assume that every man a woman cheats with has another woman?? That’s quite an assumption. Not every man is is partnered up…there are single men in existence you know!! Really weird take on the original post you have…you painted in a third party that wasn’t even there

Your ability to comprehend is laughable!

I clearly wrote often. And there ‘often’ is a partner or wife.

I can’t think of a case on mn where the affair partner wasn’t married or partnered.

You clapped a post where the poster had written that she would ‘support every woman who wants to sneak behind her worthless husband’s back and ‘cheat’ her heart away.’

IMHO there is often a woman who is collateral damage to this thinking, and only the men win. It’s ironic that someone who clearly thinks she’s a feminist can’t see that!

And then you called me a man when arguably your argument suits cheating men more!!!