Issue with my cousin

[realslimsadie]

So, my cousin "Lisa" (not her real name) has just moved up north to where most of the extended family still live.
She'd been living down south all her life (due to parent's work), and we only really saw her at weddings, funerals and big family parties. On average every 5 or 8 years I'd guess. So, none of us were particularly close to her.
Her parents died a few years ago and she was lost without them, so moved back up north to her roots, I guess to be closer to remaining family.
She's rented a few different flats since moving up north, the most recent is just around the corner from where I live with my partner and 3 children.
My partner and I have a really busy home life, both work fully time and also busy with the kids. We rarely get time to ourselves.
Since moving in to this latest flat around the corner from us, Lisa is round at ours every single night... She turns up just as I'm serving our evening meal at around 6pm, so we feel obliged to feed her too (rather than have her wait whilst we all sit down to eat as a family).
It's getting expensive, she does this every evening and it's been a couple of months now. She never offers to bring anything to contribute towards the meals, then totally outstays her welcome afterwards. My partner and I have starting dropping hints about it "getting late" and we should "get the kids ready for bed" etc when it comes to around 7pm but Lisa doesn't seem to pick up on the hints to leave. She settles down in front of the TV till late in the evening and it usually takes for my partner to say "Lisa, we're heading up to bed now, safe walk home" before she'll get up to leave.
I know Lisa has had it rough with losing both partner and relocating up north but I feel I've paying too heavy a price for this.
No other local relatives are willing to invite her over or spent much time with her because she's described by them as rather slobby, lazy and negligent with her personal hygiene. Has never taken work seriously, always flitting from one job to the next after being fired left right and centre... Usually over excessive sick absence and performance issues.
How can I start to withdrew from hosting Lisa every night? I'm exhausted by it and so is my partner.

This sounds awful. She is clearly lonely and enjoying the daily free meals, so will not take a hint. You need to tell her either on the phone or by text that you and your dh need some family time with the kids in the evening, so no more drop ins. Tell her if she wants to get together she can suggest a time and day to do so, at a local pub or something. Then you don't have to host and you can leave when you want to.

When she turns up, say 'sorry, we are busy' and shut the door without any further discussion.

Repeat until she stops.

so we feel obliged to feed her too

.....

You are under no obligation.

You tell her straight -

'Lisa, you are coming round every evening and having a free meal and have never contributed. Stop turning up unannounced and wait for an invite. There will be no more free meals unless we specifically invite you.'

People that take the piss need to be given it straight. She knows what she is doing.

Piss takers really are stupid.

She could have said to you that she's lonely and would love to see you all and then offered to bring food etc and wait for your invite and gradually built up a good relationship but no she's plonked her arse at the table, uninvited and stuffed her face.

She is taking advantage of your good nature. I agree that she knows exactly what she is doing. You have no obligation to feed her, especially as she doesn't reciprocate in any way.

You are going to have to be blunt with her and just tell her she can't keep coming round for dinner. She will never take a hint.

I don't think being polite will cut it.

'I'm afraid we can't host you for supper any more - X has got more homework and DH's workload has increased permanently. We can meet up weekend after next at [busy coffee shop] if you're free.'

I'd message her and say Hi Lisa, we need more time alone as a family in the evenings. It's also costing too much for us to be feeding an extra person dinner every night, so can no longer do it. Il give you a message when we are free next and arrange to meet up.

Possible options:

Just don’t answer the door/your phone.

Go out for the evening for dinner before she has the chance to come round.

Answer the door/phone and tell her it’s not a good time and that you’re absolutely swamped with housework, home work, children are poorly etc.

Be honest and tell her it’s becoming a bit too much having her there so often and that you’re housework, kids routines, your alone time with DH is being affected.

You need boundaries.

If you don't trust yourself to assert them, maybe start with practical barriers to her continuing with the pattern she's established. Eat earlier and/or make something that doesn't lend itself to feeding an extra person at short notice. Like 5 salmon fillets type meals rather than chilli.

Be out more. Break the routine. You could even tell her the kids have said they'd like to come to hers to eat more, put the onus on her to entertain you for once.

You let this go on too long. I would send the text.

You need to sit down and have a frank talk with her.

No need to be as rude as others are suggesting.

Tell her you'd love to have her round for dinner once a week but the current nightly visits need to stop.

She needs to get a hobby and make some friends of her own.

You just need to talk. Tell her that she can’t come every night any more. You can’t afford the time or the money. Set one night a week she can come over and make a fuss of her when she does.

Don't tell her she can come over once a week if you don't want her to. Suggest meeting at pub / for coffee if you want to maintain some level of regular contact. Just be direct.

You've got to be blunt and tell her.
We had some friends like this. Always turning up unannounced at dinner time. We once had some other friends staying and had ordered a Chinese meal. They arrived and went to get themselves plates! We said no it's just for us for (this was pre kids) and they said well if any is leftover we can have it. I then said no, and packed the leftovers away. They were so brazen, but did eventually get the message.
Cheeky fuckers like your cousin will spot any sign of weakness and exploit it - be ruthless with them.

How you have not lost your shit with her over this? Imposing on you every night, not leaving until you go to bed…and for two months?

I had a similar problem with the grandson of the former owners of my home before I got married, he was a similar age to me and kept turning up to see me night after night after I moved in. I was a lot younger then and I didn’t even like him, turns out his grandparents thought I’d be a good wife for him and encouraged this. In the end I resorted to turning my lights off and pretending not to be in, it was every single night for about a fortnight.

now I’m older and wiser I would just tell him I’m not interested and he is not welcome.

I feel that she in the absence of her immediate family she is trying to latch on to yours by popping in to every evening.
I think hard as it may be , honesty is the best policy here , tell her every evening is too much by suggest a night a week ( if that works for you) instead.
I feel sorry for her to be honest but this can't continue or you'll end up allergic to her totally .

Tricky as you've let it go on fo far too long OP. I can't imagine keep opening my door to her after the 3rd visit, let alone 2 months! You could have literally ignored the door or just said "sorry not a good time, we have just come back from work and need to eat, bathe children etc" and not let her in.
Now so late into the game, your only option is to say "look we've stretched far too thin on family time and meal budget, we can't have you here unannounced anymore."
Or "I/DH struggling with mental health and need peace and quiet from now on as it's too overwhelming having guests".

I struggle to believe anyone would let this go on for more than 2 evenings without saying anything, let alone a couple of MONTHS!!!!!

Weird as fuck.

Why are you allowing this to happen? Just be honest with very night is too much.
Set some boundaries OP and stick to them

Can you research some local community events or local friendship meetings she could go to to find new friends. Suggest she goes there a few times a week and only comes to your house once a week (if you can deal with it once a week) on whatever day you feel is easiest for you. Its a shame if she is lonely but you cant carry on like this all the time. You need to be cruel to be kind.

Ok so I get other people's responses but I'm a people pleaser. I would subtly ring her tomorrow lunchtime and say you won't be in for tea, but she's more than welcome to pop around on Monday or Tuesday night for tea and you'll be busy over the weekend. Hopefully she will take the hint and not pop round over the weekend and then on Monday/Tuesday suggest she pops over one night a week. If she asks why just say you feel overwhelmed with the pressure of cooking every night for so many people and you need some time with your little family xx

My thoughts on this, how's her financial situation, what she tells you and what it actually is may be 2 very different things, has she got any friends near you, may be an idea to introduce her to local groups such as those on next door neighbour or facebook, how's her mental state, she's had a big change in her life so she may be struggling more than she's letting on. Rather than kick her put point blank, is there any thing you can do to help her move on her own, there's a lot of variables at play so worth looking into. Or just get everyone to hide behind the sofa at night and turn all the lights off for an hour, get the monopoly board and candle if you have too, or just go our for dinner sometimes, so she turns up and you are not there, speak.to her person to person, find out the above and think about how to help her without harming family ties

Find out what she doesn't like to eat and cook that for a week

This is such an awful situation and I know you’re hoping for someone to give you a different answer to what you already know you have to do but I’m afraid… you’re just going to have to tell her that it’s not acceptable and put some boundaries in place.

I think you need to be honest and send her a message or ring her or have a coffee and talk.
You need to just say to her that its too much and its too expensive and you need some family time alone but once or twice a week she can come for a visit.