Issue with my cousin

[realslimsadie]

So, my cousin "Lisa" (not her real name) has just moved up north to where most of the extended family still live.
She'd been living down south all her life (due to parent's work), and we only really saw her at weddings, funerals and big family parties. On average every 5 or 8 years I'd guess. So, none of us were particularly close to her.
Her parents died a few years ago and she was lost without them, so moved back up north to her roots, I guess to be closer to remaining family.
She's rented a few different flats since moving up north, the most recent is just around the corner from where I live with my partner and 3 children.
My partner and I have a really busy home life, both work fully time and also busy with the kids. We rarely get time to ourselves.
Since moving in to this latest flat around the corner from us, Lisa is round at ours every single night... She turns up just as I'm serving our evening meal at around 6pm, so we feel obliged to feed her too (rather than have her wait whilst we all sit down to eat as a family).
It's getting expensive, she does this every evening and it's been a couple of months now. She never offers to bring anything to contribute towards the meals, then totally outstays her welcome afterwards. My partner and I have starting dropping hints about it "getting late" and we should "get the kids ready for bed" etc when it comes to around 7pm but Lisa doesn't seem to pick up on the hints to leave. She settles down in front of the TV till late in the evening and it usually takes for my partner to say "Lisa, we're heading up to bed now, safe walk home" before she'll get up to leave.
I know Lisa has had it rough with losing both partner and relocating up north but I feel I've paying too heavy a price for this.
No other local relatives are willing to invite her over or spent much time with her because she's described by them as rather slobby, lazy and negligent with her personal hygiene. Has never taken work seriously, always flitting from one job to the next after being fired left right and centre... Usually over excessive sick absence and performance issues.
How can I start to withdrew from hosting Lisa every night? I'm exhausted by it and so is my partner.

I think the only solution to this one is honesty.

It’s your house, you don’t have to let her in. I know it’s awkward but just don’t let her in.

if you can’t do that then don’t feed her. Again, I know it’s awkward but don’t do it.

After dinner just be blunt and say you need to go now, we have things to do.

Clearly other family members feel the same way about her & wont tolerate her and you are not obligated to either.

It will make you feel horrible doing it but she clearly won’t take anything more subtle.

I'm afraid with people like this you have to be diplomatically blunt.

Tell her that it's not good having visitors on an evening it's upsetting the bedtime routine. We'll arrange a meal in a few weeks.

If she turns up you'll have to be super blunt at the doorstep and say that you did tell her it wasn't a good time.

Your family is much more important - don't be made to feel guilty.

I have a friend that used to do this every meal time with her son, and stay until bedtime.
It was alright at the beginning then every night for months turned into a nightmare, but i found it hard to be direct in my early 20's.

One day we decided on a Sunday that we were not home the curtains stayed drawn all morning so when she was knocking we ignored, she called through the letter box , then it went quiet and I thought 'yay peace!
She strolled through the back door , hiyaaa I've been knocking for ages did you not hear me , obviously as the front door was in ear distance , she never took the hint lol.

We ended up saying we will be on holiday next week for two weeks , just for a break.
I've actually never told her, we moved away , so visits have to be planned now.
But I had an outside plaque made which will be quite outing now but it says ' if you knock once and their is no answer after the 2nd attempt we're not home , because we have a cousin who is relentless with calls , messages , knocking , face up to the window, you are in the TV is on haha , don't worry we ended up telling her , but the plaque comes in handy

You need to talk to Lisa, sit her down and be open about the problem, be open about your feelings and share your values and explain why you have supported her for as long as you have. Explain your initial expectations and reframe the problem.

Then ask Lisa for solutions, let her give 3 or 4 solutions and then you have to pick one, negotiate until you get to something you can accept.

At this stage don't go half way, be realistic in what you want out of this situation. It will be harder to negotiate in the future.

As everyone has said, you need to be blunt. No one in their right mind could think that this is an acceptable way to behave. You don't need to be rude, just honest. And as you've let this continue for 2 months, clearly you find confrontation difficult. But just put on your big girl pants and tomorrow night after dinner, say "look, we've been thinking about this a lot and, while we enjoy your company, I'm afraid everyday is just too much. We need time together as a family, just us. The children's bedtime routine has become upset and also we just need downtime ourselves after a long day. Here are a few evening activities/ groups in the area you might be interested in. And joining something would help you meet others. I enjoy your company so let's arrange a night out/coffee every now and again, and we can have a proper catch up then"

Just rip the plaster off and do it.

It's called being honest. Sorry Lisa that you no longer have your parents and partner but,....... we have a very busy life and our time out of work to be just a family is important. So please can you phone to see if its convenient to come around and not just turn up? Then you can say yes or no to her visits. Don't be guilt tripped into hosting her.

Sorry Lisa you smell you can't come around.

Fucking hell, op, you are the biggest doormat in the world. This is just fucking ridiculous. Tell this woman straight, and don't concern yourself with her feelings on the matter. She certainly isn't worried about yours. I find it hard to believe that anyone would allow this to continue as long as you have.

She is taking advantage of your lack of a spine and lack of boundaries! Call her and tell her she is not to show up at your house unless she has an invitation because you and your husband and children need time alone . Tell her that you will not open the door for her if she shows up and has not been invited (I never open my door I don't care who it is if I am not expecting you - even the mail lady has my cell number). IF she does and it is time to eat tell her to go home now as it is family time. Or you can be a savage and when she comes tell her to give you $150 right now to cover the costs of the food she has eaten and the utilities she needs to contribute to. Charge her $30 every time she shows up. She will soon stop coming around for fear of going broke like you are.

She's your family so you need to tell.her, you need time as a family. She cannot come round every night, once a week is enough. Just tell her.

I'd tell her you need family time dp and kids and she will need to call first. Then don't answer the phone or door. Yes losing parents is hard. But it does give her the right to be a cf.

This would drive me mad.How have you let this go on for so long? Absolutely say sorry Lisa, we haven't made dinner for you and we need family time on an evening. We will invite you over for dinner when we're less busy.

Everyone else has put in a boundary, so should you!

What does she talk about when she visits? Does she give any indication that she needs help?

Instead of being blunt because I know that will just be really hard and you will probably feel bad at just thought of saying piss off given her history, I'd broach it from another angle and ask her seriously if she's ok. You are right and she could very well be really lonely so getting her to open up to you makes it ten times easier to share how you are both feeling without making a hostile environment.

I have a cousin who is just like that, but fortunately she lives in the US. When she comes she won’t even say how long she is staying. Last time it was 11 days and we live in a small flat. It took her a whole week to offer to do the washing up. She gifted us a yoghurt on leaving. However, it has transpired she was diagnosed with Asperger’s years ago. Knowing this has helped me make sense of her. I have got to the point where I am blunt, request help, ask her how long she’s staying etc. I have also said on occasion it’s not convenient for her to stay ( eg when I had covid) and she organised something else. This makes me feel less put upon. In your case, I don’t think it’s fair that the rest of the family don’t make an effort anymore . Ideally supporting this cousin, who obviously struggles more with life, should be a joint family enterprise.

This is the perfect response

I think op has just been polite and aware of the cousin’s unfortunate situation. That isn’t the “ weird” or shameful thing some posters seem to imagine it is. .

That said Op you are going to have to say something. I can understand it might have seemed like the novelty of being nearby might wear off ( I’d have crossed my fingers and hoped that too); but it isn’t wearing off.

A yoghurt! 🤣

😳
Boundaries are one thing. This is sledgehammer.

Are you 5?

Be blunt, dropping hints is not effective. When she turns up say "Sorry, we're about to eat. See you later". When she's in your house, say the things that finally make her leave much earlier. Arrange a time (and place) where you will meet up, ideally get some more family along too. She needs to widen her social circle and not rely so much on you.

I think this sounds ok OP.

So sorry Lisa
we need our time as a family
i need time with my husband
we need our routine back, we’re becoming completely disorganised.
Also, another mouth to feed increases the weekly shop by quite a bit and we need to watch the pennies.
Maybe join some local groups or a dating website if you’re lonely

This sounds fine too but I do think it’s important to add in reference to a ( limited) plan to continue contact.