Issue with my cousin

[realslimsadie]

So, my cousin "Lisa" (not her real name) has just moved up north to where most of the extended family still live.
She'd been living down south all her life (due to parent's work), and we only really saw her at weddings, funerals and big family parties. On average every 5 or 8 years I'd guess. So, none of us were particularly close to her.
Her parents died a few years ago and she was lost without them, so moved back up north to her roots, I guess to be closer to remaining family.
She's rented a few different flats since moving up north, the most recent is just around the corner from where I live with my partner and 3 children.
My partner and I have a really busy home life, both work fully time and also busy with the kids. We rarely get time to ourselves.
Since moving in to this latest flat around the corner from us, Lisa is round at ours every single night... She turns up just as I'm serving our evening meal at around 6pm, so we feel obliged to feed her too (rather than have her wait whilst we all sit down to eat as a family).
It's getting expensive, she does this every evening and it's been a couple of months now. She never offers to bring anything to contribute towards the meals, then totally outstays her welcome afterwards. My partner and I have starting dropping hints about it "getting late" and we should "get the kids ready for bed" etc when it comes to around 7pm but Lisa doesn't seem to pick up on the hints to leave. She settles down in front of the TV till late in the evening and it usually takes for my partner to say "Lisa, we're heading up to bed now, safe walk home" before she'll get up to leave.
I know Lisa has had it rough with losing both partner and relocating up north but I feel I've paying too heavy a price for this.
No other local relatives are willing to invite her over or spent much time with her because she's described by them as rather slobby, lazy and negligent with her personal hygiene. Has never taken work seriously, always flitting from one job to the next after being fired left right and centre... Usually over excessive sick absence and performance issues.
How can I start to withdrew from hosting Lisa every night? I'm exhausted by it and so is my partner.

I am gobsmacked anyone would tolerate this for a week not to mind several months.
You barely know this woman and now she is in your house every night.
Clearly you are the family pushover.
I would be brutal.
She is not your responsibility and is behaving like a complete CF.
Put your family first and tell her she is no longer welcome.
She knows well you are the family softy.

I think this works well. It's clear, but not unkind. .

Because, yes, she's annoying and socially tone deaf, but she's also obviously lonely.

I think arranging a firm future date to meet up at the same time as delivering the message a) softens it a bit and b) makes it clear that visits/meet ups are something that have to be booked in.

Is there a social group (book club, walking group etc) that you and her could go to together, even if you yourself only go once or twice. She might just need a bit of company to get her started in building her social network after the move.

Frank discussion time. “Lisa, we love you, but we’re not supporting you. If you want to come for dinner, please call and see if it suits us. You will also be expected to chip in by contributing either ingredients (which we will discuss on the day) or a bottle of wine. Because we have kids, we need some alone time in the evenings. If you come over for dinner during the week, please go home when the kids go to bed.”

DaisyChain505 · 10/06/2024 12:24

Be honest and tell her it’s becoming a bit too much having her there so often and that you’re housework, kids routines, your alone time with DH is being affected.

Exactly this. Clear communication is key.

Slightly different suggestion to the others, but if she has decided to be the 3rd adult in your home every night maybe you should start giving her a third of the chores. “Lisa, do you mind clearing up the dinner dishes while I go bath x?” Or can you move your dinner time so she either misses it or has to help cook it? Or ring her and say “are you planning on coming around to night? We are really busy with kids activities so if you are, could you prepare something for us all?” Would you trust her to babysit? You could be all ready to go out and when she gets there say “ah great, we’ve got to go out, you know where everything is, we’ll be back by 10pm.” At least you will find out if she wants to be close to you or if she just wants someone to do everything for her.

Say you can’t have her round for the rest of the week as you have X, Y and Z on / its a busy week, but she’s welcome to come next Monday (or whichever day suits you). The next week, after supper, you say it was lovely to see her, Joe about next Monday and show her the door. That way she has a date in her calendar, but knows she isn’t welcome before then.

OP you work full time so presumably evenings are precious time with your 3 DC and you're allowing her to take away from that.

Either send her a text or just become really inhospitable. Start asking her to do stuff like the washing up or contribute and she will 100% stop coming.

I would say "Look Lisa ,we like seeing you but every night is too much .DC need Homework time ,chill time and we cant afford to stretch our food like this ," I find straight talking works best .Dont let her creep back either !

You’ve had someone (anyone) come round your house every single night for 2 months?
This is crazy levels of people pleasing. I’m surprised you’re not divorced.
You need to speak to her asap and just stop letting her in

I agree with sending a diplomatic text like one of ones suggested. She's not going to realise by herself that she's expecting too much from you, you need to be kind but blunt.

I think this is genius. Leave a bag of groceries out.

If this is real then I feel sorry for your partner that you haven't said anything to your relative and he is the one who has to ask her to leave every night.

Don't make up excuses about mental health or additional homework. You don't need to be mean about it but you do need to be honest and not make her think there's a way around it. Also you don't need to commit to hosting her every week either.

The personal hygiene stuff is neither here nor there and is one of many reasons this post doesn't really ring true.

Lisa has become far too comfortable. And, even though you probably are all a comfort to her, it’s doing her few favours being allowed to continue the habit she has formed every single night after work, which you, in your kindness have enabled.

She sounds rather lazy in her motivation all round. I hope she isn’t depressed.
I think she needs to be encouraged to put more effort into her own career and into doing something to enrich her life in her spare time, now that she has had two months of relying solely on you.

Make sure your door is locked so that she can’t just walk in and plonk herself down to wait for her dinner.
When she knocks, say something like ….Oh Lisa, we can’t host you tonight, as we have something else on so you will have to sort yourself out tonight. In fact, we’ve been thinking a lot about you and want to help but would you mind if we left hosting you now until next week on Tuesday, then we can all sit down and talk about your plan for your budgeting and making new friends and settling properly in to the area so that you don’t have to rely on us quite so much. Sorry, I have to go now, but we’ll talk again on Tuesday. Have a good weekend !

At least you will have given her the hint that her complacency in relying on you needs to shift a bit in order to help herself get more out of life.

It sounds like she does still need a lot of guidance though, - finances, batch cooking for the week ahead, personal care and well-being, clubs, gyms, and hobbies she could take up, local events, family events etc.

Maybe, if you have time or feel so inclined, you could give her a few ideas about how to occupy her time …or a few goals to work towards and then you could invite her once a week for a catch up on how she is getting on.
However, nobody could blame you if you feel you have done your bit for Lisa already. You have been very kind but something needs to change now.

I’d do it face to face. Try it on the weekend.
Lisa, it has been lovely seeing so much of you but we can’t keep hosting so much as we can’t afford it and we need some family time with just us. Can I help you with budgeting or you can come food shopping with me to buy yourself some food and for ideas on cooking? We can’t host you in the week anymore but would like to invite you round on Saturday evening. It will be lovely to catch up then.

Some posters are a bit brutal. She isn't a randomer, she's a lonely young person who has started to rely on you too heavily because you are her only family. You need to have boundaries, but you don't need to be unkind. I would take the stance of becoming a sort of mentor, suggesting now that she has had chance to settle into the area that she needs to be more independent. Tell her to just come once a week for tea. Talk to her about clubs and how she can become more independent. I know she technically isn't your problem, but I believe family is important, and should be there to support each other. It's a shame the rest of your family are so cold towards her.

Talk to her don’t send a message. Is she lonely? Would she like you to try some classes with her, suggest things going on
locally etc. I would explain you need alone time with your family, the kids need you etc. But you would like quality time with her. Maybe suggest she could cook for you and the kids one day too?? Hopefully she will get the message. But tell her every night is to much.

I don’t think there’s a way that you can do this without causing offence to cousin. She is oblivious and will probably feel embarrassed/hurt/defensive/rejected.

Having said that, her feelings are hers to manage. It is not unreasonable to want to have a family night without unwanted interlopers. It is not unreasonable to not want to pay/cook/serve/clean for an extra person.

She may be struggling but it is very unfair for her to expect you to fill the holes in her life - it will be uncomfortable and upsetting, but it’s time to be clear to be kind. Outline your boundaries (eg. Wait for invite or the first Monday of each month, etc) and leave her to it. She will find it hard but ultimately this will be the best for her long term. She needs to expand her social circle and she’s not going to be able to do that whilst she’s comfortably squatting on your couch.

This place is hilarious sometimes. All the posters saying they wouldn't accept it, would just say "no". Really? In reality wouldn't we all accept it for a bit?

It needs to stop, for sure, but I would help her to find new friends - ie go to a group with her ONCE. Firm boundaries, no ambiguity.

Good luck.

Lisa, we're heading up to bed now, safe walk home

You need to say that just as she turns up and before you starts eating.
She is using you as a free meal ticket and a way to abate her loneliness.

Yes it must be hard for her. It doesn’t mean she can basically insert herself into your life like this.

@notanothernana yes I would have welcome her. For a while.

But not every night for two months.

And no I wouldn’t ’help Her find friends’ because

1- she isn’t me so we are unlikely confortable with the same type of people
2- im not her mum. She is a grown up and needs to take responsibility in her life.

I would be open to see her, let’s say every other week for an evening meal. I wouldn’t close the door completely. But she has to start respecting people, which atm she isn’t at all (see turning up unfounded, over staying and basically has to be kicked out)

I disagree with a PP who said piss taker’s really are stupid. In my experience they are rarely stupid and know exactly what they are doing and also know who is less likely to call them out on their behaviour.

Personally, I wouldn’t cut her out completely because she is lonely and family.

I would tell her we need to talk and say that as she’s had so many meals at your house she can treat you to cake/lunch at a café or her house on x Saturday (that suits you and when your husband can be home with your children)

Before meeting her I would Google to find clubs etc that might help her build some friendships.

Then I would gently explain that spending as much time with her while she settled in was ok but the time had come to reduce it so you can get back to your normal life.

Give her the info you found. Tell her she can visit after dinner one evening a week for a while longer and then you’ll probably need to just have her round for a meal once a month. I’d be happy to do that so she didn’t feel abandoned but knew she had to find a social life.

And tell her there’s no reason why she can’t invite you to her home now and again

If you don’t want to tell it to her straight, in the first instance I’d ask her to contribute to the meals. If you end the evening by saying “are you coming for dinner tomorrow?” and if she says yes you tell her nicely what to bring “we’re having prawn curry - please can you bring two bags of frozen king prawns?”. Assuming she’s a CF enjoying a free dinner every day the visits will probably tail off or she’ll say she can’t afford x in which case you can say frankly you can’t afford to feed another adult every day. If she steps up and starts contributing then that’s one problem solved but you’ll need to have a conversation about reducing frequency so suggest limiting it to a particular evening that is more relaxing for you as midweek routine with school children is always hectic.

Why can’t you just treat her the ways she treats you? She doesn’t give a shit how you feel, so why are you losing sleep over how to get rid of her?

When she comes round, just say “not tonight, we’re busy” and close the door. End of. She’s obviously so thick skinned she probably won’t care, just move on and find someone else to mooch off.

Tell her if she wants to come over so often she needs to start taking it in turns to cook and bring stuff to feed you all.
or start using hello fresh or gousto and then you can literally tell her there isn’t enough food as it’s all pre-portioned.
or tell her your tired and exhausted and don’t want any guests tonight.
plenty of gentle ways to start slowing down her visits