Issue with my cousin

[realslimsadie]

So, my cousin "Lisa" (not her real name) has just moved up north to where most of the extended family still live.
She'd been living down south all her life (due to parent's work), and we only really saw her at weddings, funerals and big family parties. On average every 5 or 8 years I'd guess. So, none of us were particularly close to her.
Her parents died a few years ago and she was lost without them, so moved back up north to her roots, I guess to be closer to remaining family.
She's rented a few different flats since moving up north, the most recent is just around the corner from where I live with my partner and 3 children.
My partner and I have a really busy home life, both work fully time and also busy with the kids. We rarely get time to ourselves.
Since moving in to this latest flat around the corner from us, Lisa is round at ours every single night... She turns up just as I'm serving our evening meal at around 6pm, so we feel obliged to feed her too (rather than have her wait whilst we all sit down to eat as a family).
It's getting expensive, she does this every evening and it's been a couple of months now. She never offers to bring anything to contribute towards the meals, then totally outstays her welcome afterwards. My partner and I have starting dropping hints about it "getting late" and we should "get the kids ready for bed" etc when it comes to around 7pm but Lisa doesn't seem to pick up on the hints to leave. She settles down in front of the TV till late in the evening and it usually takes for my partner to say "Lisa, we're heading up to bed now, safe walk home" before she'll get up to leave.
I know Lisa has had it rough with losing both partner and relocating up north but I feel I've paying too heavy a price for this.
No other local relatives are willing to invite her over or spent much time with her because she's described by them as rather slobby, lazy and negligent with her personal hygiene. Has never taken work seriously, always flitting from one job to the next after being fired left right and centre... Usually over excessive sick absence and performance issues.
How can I start to withdrew from hosting Lisa every night? I'm exhausted by it and so is my partner.

You need to put an end to this! BUT take it from me (a lesson hard learnt) Do not say it is about the cost of food. My family member that would show up at dinner time and outstay her welcome , I said that we really could not afford to feed an extra mouth each day (at least 5 days of the week she showed up) I really wanted to say "JUST FUCK OFF OUT OF MY HOUSE" but I used money as the excuse. She started showing up with food for me to cook . UGGH. Eventually I went a bit batshit and yelled, when I had put a chicken soup in the crockpot for the day and bought a nice baquette on the way home from work as husband and eldest child (teen) just were feeling shitty full of the cold. She showed up with all the fixings for a lasagna. Not cooked or assembled, but for me to make for dinner. I DID NOT. I yelled. That fixed it. lol.

This sounds like something a lot more weird than someone who scrounges dinner.

First of all, it's not remotely normal to go from seeing someone once every five to eight years to turning up on their doorstep every night. Cousin or not, you barely knew her for most of your adult life.

Secondly, she obviously isn't only coming round for a free meal, because she also wants to sit with you and watch telly until bedtime, every night.

Thirdly, other relatives have noticed that she has poor personal hygiene a slobby, ungroomed appearance.

Fourthly, she can't hold down a job because she doesn't turn up and keeps phoning in sick.

This isn't just a cheeky fucker who turns up uninvited for dinner; this is someone who doesn't have any grasp of the most basic social norms and boundaries. You need to be extremely blunt with her. She's a random cousin you barely spoke to for most of your life. You're not her bloody carer and it's not up to you to feed her or be her friend. You need to tell her, firmly, that she can't keep coming round to your house because you're not looking for an extra adult to spend your evenings with and if you want her company, you'll ask for it.

There's a reason nobody else wants to spend time with her.

Highly unlikely. Sounds tough and straightforward but, in real life? I don’t think so.

Start cooking meals that won't share and possibly feed the kids earlier for a bit.

Or just say, sorry we're just about to eat and there isn't enough for an extra person.

That is your sole option, I am afraid.

do NOT let her in…

or « sorry, one of the kid is sick. Don’t want you to catch it »…then « my second catched it »….make it the whole family…eventually she will get it OR it will still give you some time before you allow her back in.

She's clearly missing her parents and seeing you as tje next best thing looking after her. Did they indulge her like this? So heartbreaking for her and she needs to feel loved and cared for.

However, yes you do need to need to talk to her and explain, also give her ideas about opportunities nearby to join into and meet new people. Could you go together somewhere, hope she makes new friends?

From what relatives have said it does sound like she's happy to doss and be fed at yours and no reciprocation of bringing treats, flowers, offering to take you out for a meal as thank-you etc. Xx

OP, also remember that this is a relationship of convience...her convience.
Her living near you is why she is at yours.
That's all.
You are soft and she couldn't care less who meets her needs as long as they are met.
You and your family could be anybody that will let her in.
You are too soft, it is not a good thing unfortunately.
It leaves you and your family exposed.
This is not about being kind.
You and your family are entitled to the quiet enjoyment of your home.
You will need to be very firm to get your message across.
Your responsibility is to your children

I don't know a lot about such things but do you think she might benefit from being referred to some sort of befriending service?

I wouldn’t pussyfoot around or make excuses . I would send her a text saying please don’t come round anymore unannounced . In future you will invite her over from time to time ( not once a week!) but for coffee not dinner . Tell her we all need some space from each other now and it’s time for her to build a friendship network of her own. Be direct and honest. People like this have no sensitivity and don’t care how you feel. Draw the boundaries and stick to them. If she turns up tell her you’re busy and shut the door.

My default would have been all for being completely honest and telling her it's got to stop as you have had enough.

The people who would manage this with a cozy chat along the lines that 'it's been lovely but we are taking up too much of your time.

We will expect you next xx and not before then. What lovely things will you do instead, now we have freed up your time? ' are the ones I now really admire.

If she really doesn't have any ideas , start her off with some and say how you are looking forward to hearing all about them when you next see her on the day you have invited her.

She will either start living her own life or latch on somewhere else. Hope it goes well.

This!
my first thought was, can she afford to feed herself?
She isn’t your responsibility however, she doesn’t have anyone else.
Personally I couldn’t and wouldn’t not help her

I’ll be honest and disagree with posters saying to mention the financial strain it’s putting on you because she may well turn round and say “No problem I’ll pay for my share of dinner here is £30 for the week” then you are right back here.

I would be honest but kind “hey Lisa so lovely you now live nearby and we have spend time together. Life had ramped up here on our end and we need to spend time together as our family, we won’t be hosting for dinners anymore but would love to have you round once a month for Sunday lunch if you are available? Look forward to seeing you then”

she is lonely-that is NOT your problem to solve and by hosting her every night you are enabling her to not sit with the uncomfortable feeling of loneliness and are stripping her of learning to find her own peace, fun and comfort.

listen to Mel Robbins “let them” theory. You will know what you have to do

I hope you come back and update us

If possible, eat at 5pm rather than 6pm so when she arrives you’ll already have eaten.

I appreciate that you are suggesting a thoughtful solution but I totally disagree. This just wouldn’t work. People like this cousin do not change.

Consider going round to her flat before the time she comes round to you. Tell her the routine has to change starting tonight.