is husband an attention seeker...

[beckybarefoot]

or is it something else?

Very similar to a thread i just read, i didnt want to take away from that one, so started my own

My husband has to simply have the last word.. on everything! i love him dearly, and its not a deal breaker for me (yet) but it really irratates me at times to the brink that i snap.

he will:

If i say for example, i want to pop in to home bargains for x, y and z.. instead of simply saying ok, he will reply with.. or we could go to 'B&M' (insert any highstreet brand here). What then usually happens is he will then head to his chosen establishment, and when i state that i didnt want to go here, he will be surprised and say 'oh i thought we said we were going here?' I know it sounds silly but Ive had 10 years of this.. if i say i want to go to home bargains, then i am bloody well going to home bargains.

Another thing he does is he takes over conversations, so for example, an old friend works in a local department store (and yes i know they are dated, and its a proper grace brothers set up, but its also a tax haven for the owner.. sorry unwanted background there), anyway, on our walk on a morning, i may pop in and have a wander round, and if i see said friend will stop for a chat. me and her are very clearly chatting, about nothing really, yet he has to muscle in and steals the conversation and i end up just standing and they are chatting (no he's not flirting, he simply has to take over the conversation). Even if i am speaking to a total stranger to him, someone he has never met before, and without any introduction, he will simply join the conversation, then he will take over and then we are stood for ages talking!

He does not appear to have the ability to simply say in passing.. good morning, lovely day and then carry on with the walk, he has to stop, and he will talk and talk and talk until i will get impatient and grumpy and very rudely have to apologise and drag him away.

Gosh I'm sorry for rambling.. we will be in the car, and i may call my daughter for something, and he will sit next to me, and then he will interject comments into the conversation that are not relevant or needed and are just annoying and again try to steal the conversation, its like he simply cannot stop himself from speaking.

And before everyone jumps on me and tells me to leave him, thats not going to happen. As Ive said, these are not deal breakers, but they are annoying and i let them slide most of the time until something in me snaps and then he gets it 'both barrells' and i tell him how this interjections make me feel, and for a while it will stop but it doesnt take long until they sneak back.

I suspect there may be some undiagnosed issue here, but then all the men of his family, Dad, Uncle, and even his children are the same. They are loud, outspoken, no filters, have to be the centre of attention!

The question is, how do i deal with it, without losing my shit every couple of months, and having a full on meltdown and start screaming at him?

I understand, I am more than likely going to have it tough, and i shall certainly sort the wheat from the chaff with the replies. He is a good man with a kind heart and treats me very well in every other aspect of our marriage.

how long have you been married? has he always been like this or recent development?

he has to stop, and he will talk and talk and talk until i will get impatient and grumpy and very rudely have to apologise and drag him away.

You come across as the rude person in this scenario

married 11 years... it's only bothered me for the past couple of years, so i can't say if he has always been like this. i will add there is a concern for his hearing and he is beginning to have memory issues

yes i do you are correct and i hate it, but if i dont remove him, he will simply stand there for hours and hours, you can see people looking at me almost begging me with their eyes to take him away.

Oh just throw that in

well they have an issue if they don’t have the backbone to excuse themselves

how old is he?

it only came to mind when the other OP asked how long i had been married and if it was a recent thing.

as i said, i'm expecting a beating here

sorry i thought i had put his age.. he is 61

if i say i want to go to home bargains, then i am bloody well going to home bargains.

well then… go 🤷

OP, this is not going to change and the poor chap sounds like he’s starting to deteriorate. You don’t sound like you’d be prepared to stick around, which is fair enough, so you’re probably better leaving now because - it’s going to get worse

Well it sounds like he’s an old fashioned bore and starting to get some cognitive issues. Unlikely to change.

i understand what you are saying and i absolutely will be sticking around, my fear has been theres something wrong, what i need to know is, how do i help? if he isn't going to change because of 'medical issues', how do i manage all this moving forwards until we are at a point where i can no longer keep him safe and care for him?

or.. is it a non medical issue and he's just an arsehole and in that case.. how do i manage moving forwards, because i will hear the words 'leave him' a lot in this thread and i 100% am not going to leave him.

how the heck do we know whether it’s a medical problem or not?

You said he has memory issues and this is classic behaviour that would indicate that is the case
but
you also say he’s been like this for a decade

🤷

Exactly, can't you go on your own?

thank you for you comments. and thank you for picking apart my thread, and trying to trip me up.

i'm simply asking for advice, maybe someone you might be able to offer something a bit like @Bigredpants which i can take onboard and think about.

oh dear!

Similar problems here. I've found that I need to be very clear so say firmly "No I want to go to Home Bargains, not BnM" then go there. Hints don't work at all, I find. It does get tedious at times but most days with practice, I can tune him out. As far as chatting to other people goes, I'm not sure there is a fix but I'm getting better at conjouring up exit lines. And wait until he is out of earshot if you want to talk to someone on the phone

I think you can't change his behaviour you can only change your own.
So to change the example slightly if you say I want to go to Asda to get x and he says right let's go to Sainsbury's you just point blank continue with what you are doing. So say I can't go to Sainsbury's because I'm going to Asda to get x. If he gets cross it doesn't matter it's better than having to do things you don't want all the time.

That sounds tough, OP, especially when you add the concern about mental decline.

It strikes me that you do stuff together that can be done separately. Do you both need to go to the shops/to potter around town chatting to friends in dept stores? It wouldn’t occur to me and DH to shop together - it’s a colossal waste of time! Make that one persons task or alternate. This should reduce the opportunity for you to be annoyed then maybe the other annoying times you’ll have more tolerance in the bank.

My dad does the same thing about talking extensively to strangers and it’s excruciating for me (he doles out unsolicited advice, aaargghh!!), I generally interrupt him mid flow and say I’ve got to get on and then I walk away. Either he then follows me or the other person can take the chance of closing down the conversation.

thank you.. we both work shifts, and spend so little time together as it is, which is how its been for a long time, so its nice when we do get to go out together. and 99% of the time i'm ok, and yes as has been pointed out, i can also be rude and grouchy with it too.

I think you might be being generous by attributing it to a medical issue. Given that the men in his family are all like this, it will most likely be a nature problem backed up by nurture too.
Man management. I'd treat him how I learnt to deal with my dogs bad behaviour lol. Basically, exposing the dog (or DH in this case) to the same situation repeatedly reinforces the behaviour. You have to manage the situation so it doesn't occur. In this case I'd say stop going shopping with your DH. Do it yourself for an easier life. Could this be a knock on effect of retirement? Sounds like he tag's along wherever you go, so that is probably why it bugs you more. Perhaps a hobby to occupy him more, so he's not with you all the time? Breathing space will help you and girls only meetups with your friends - no DH required. It's still going to happen in between, unless you make a hermit of him, but it might make things more bearable.

Ah, x posted. You actually want him to come shopping. Not sure what you can do then, other than accept the rough with the smooth, as it's the way he is.

"Woman management. I'd treat her how I learnt to deal with my dogs bad behaviour lol. Basically, exposing the dog (or DW in this case) to the same situation repeatedly reinforces the behaviour"

If that post was aimed at a woman you'd rightly get a proper flaming.

I think if you want to go shopping together l would either do the driving myself ( if you drive) or clearly say before you get in the car ' don't forget we are going to X shop.' Then if he opposes you you can stop him before he gets a chance to derail.
Re interrupting you, lf its your daughter or someone you know well speak up and point out he's interrupting. If it's a friend/ neighbour there's not a lot you can do really as he sounds like it's a family trait! But if they know him well they will have an exit strategy l'm sure.
If you're out and about and it's a stranger or someone you vaguely know l would try to have an excuse ready to get him away. If he waffles on for ages, leave him to it and tell him to meet you back at home as you have things to do. Also of course talk to him and point out it's now becoming an issue and it can be embarrassing.