is husband an attention seeker...

[beckybarefoot]

or is it something else?

Very similar to a thread i just read, i didnt want to take away from that one, so started my own

My husband has to simply have the last word.. on everything! i love him dearly, and its not a deal breaker for me (yet) but it really irratates me at times to the brink that i snap.

he will:

If i say for example, i want to pop in to home bargains for x, y and z.. instead of simply saying ok, he will reply with.. or we could go to 'B&M' (insert any highstreet brand here). What then usually happens is he will then head to his chosen establishment, and when i state that i didnt want to go here, he will be surprised and say 'oh i thought we said we were going here?' I know it sounds silly but Ive had 10 years of this.. if i say i want to go to home bargains, then i am bloody well going to home bargains.

Another thing he does is he takes over conversations, so for example, an old friend works in a local department store (and yes i know they are dated, and its a proper grace brothers set up, but its also a tax haven for the owner.. sorry unwanted background there), anyway, on our walk on a morning, i may pop in and have a wander round, and if i see said friend will stop for a chat. me and her are very clearly chatting, about nothing really, yet he has to muscle in and steals the conversation and i end up just standing and they are chatting (no he's not flirting, he simply has to take over the conversation). Even if i am speaking to a total stranger to him, someone he has never met before, and without any introduction, he will simply join the conversation, then he will take over and then we are stood for ages talking!

He does not appear to have the ability to simply say in passing.. good morning, lovely day and then carry on with the walk, he has to stop, and he will talk and talk and talk until i will get impatient and grumpy and very rudely have to apologise and drag him away.

Gosh I'm sorry for rambling.. we will be in the car, and i may call my daughter for something, and he will sit next to me, and then he will interject comments into the conversation that are not relevant or needed and are just annoying and again try to steal the conversation, its like he simply cannot stop himself from speaking.

And before everyone jumps on me and tells me to leave him, thats not going to happen. As Ive said, these are not deal breakers, but they are annoying and i let them slide most of the time until something in me snaps and then he gets it 'both barrells' and i tell him how this interjections make me feel, and for a while it will stop but it doesnt take long until they sneak back.

I suspect there may be some undiagnosed issue here, but then all the men of his family, Dad, Uncle, and even his children are the same. They are loud, outspoken, no filters, have to be the centre of attention!

The question is, how do i deal with it, without losing my shit every couple of months, and having a full on meltdown and start screaming at him?

I understand, I am more than likely going to have it tough, and i shall certainly sort the wheat from the chaff with the replies. He is a good man with a kind heart and treats me very well in every other aspect of our marriage.

So his "taking over the conversation ' isn't conversing or being the life and soul, it's monologuing, talking at people until they want to get away. Have you drawn his attention to this? Sounds like learned behaviour if the family all do it but hearing loss could be making it worse (my mother). People sometimes talk and talk rather than admit they find it hard to catch responses as that can be very frustrating. Has he been tested, looked into hearing aids? My sister is young but does this naturally (family of bores, frankly plus some a lot of undiagnosed neuro diversity IMO). Her partner has been very straightforward about this and has a discreet signal to get her to wrap up a story. He would have to accept his behaviour for this though.

Re shops, just push back. 'no, I want to go to HB'.

YANBU. I had to manage someone like this once. Impossible to have a supervision session because he would simply start talking at random about what was in his head and talk over me when I tried to bring him back to the key discussion headings. Never worked out if there was something undiagnosed or if he was using something like cocaine maybe, as I understand it turns people into dickheads, and he was such a superior little twat- grrr.

Can you have a good chat and will he be offended if you pass on your observations (in a non judgemental tone)? Then could you agree on a code word or sign to wind up the conversation? He may genuinely not realise what he's doing. If he got a 'signal' maybe it will help jolt him into realisation?

Many sympathies to you OP, my DP is very similar!! You can add in 'not listening in the first place and then looking confused when I assume he's heard things', though...

I don't care so much about him talking to complete strangers now - generally I can just walk away and do something else with the DC, now they're older - but I just find it so annoying when he takes over conversations I'm having with my friends. I very rarely get to meet up with friends and on the occasions when I do bump into them he will start talking and not let me get a word in edgeways, even if he doesn't really know the person! It's at the point now where it's ramped up my social anxiety as I hardly get to practise 'small talk' any more

For my DP I do find he's getting worse as he's getting older - 55 now - partly because his social circle is getting smaller in general, and partly because he's slowing down too and is really bloody lazy prefers to spend as much time as he can glued to the sofa! When we do see people, deliberately or not, it's like he has to take advantage of it as much as possible and just TALK at them even if it's to my detriment...

Yes, my dh can talk for England. I’ve been known to tell workmen that if they need to leave just go as I can see them edging towards the door.

Frankly you need to be firm. I am. Before we go out I tell dh to listen to people and not do all the talking. It helps that a good friend of ours told him one day that he couldn’t get a word in so dh knows it’s not just me picking on him.

I've tried this! if we go out, i have a gentle word about 'conversations' and he says ok... and then just forgets! i've been known to kick him under a table in the past..

There’s nothing you can do, you’re not his mother. It’s not on you to change him and trying to change another person is controlling, whether or not they’re an arsehole.

Your question shouldn’t be “how do I change him when he’s 61”, it’s “am I prepared to stick about?” And that’s something only you can answer.

Any possibility of him having ADHD?

i dont know much about it, i have wondered if he's on the spectrum for something.

ok.. as ive said i wont be leaving him, and if i can't change him.. how do i cope with it or enable myself?

The constant talking is a bit of a giveaway, as is the forgetfulness, the inability to listen and recognise social cues.

One of my friends has ADHD, only recently diagnosed in her mid 40s. She is a non stop talker. Would talk the hind legs off a donkey and will prattle away to strangers and acquaintances.

One time at the airport in the departures hall, she spotted a colleague and her family. I was not there at that point. We all work abroad, away from our families. She went over to them and talked and talked and talked until the colleague's brother said: "don't you need to go get ready for your flight?". We were all on the same flight. She paid no head - unable to read social cues.
My colleague told me afterwards she just talked non-stop while my poor colleague was trying to say goodbye to her family.

Also - ADHD is inherited. Does anyone in his family have it?

ALL the male members of his family are like it! Dad, Uncle, even his Sons...

lol.. he most definately is not using cocaine! i do wonder and feel sorry for those he works with!

I just read back over your description of his family. Sounds very ADHD.

ADHD is more common in males.

interesting... i shall google ADHD and see what comes up, i had already considered something along those lines but assumed at the age of 61 he would have had a diagnosis by now? i guess i am naive to think this, unsure if he would agree to see someone now, so i'll do some research and see what i find

Its not a case of saying x, y and z and him getting it

I don’t think you are conscious of the

At 61 he is unlikely to change, wether it be neurodivergence or learned bad habits. Which means you are going to have to learn strategies to cope. In a lot of the examples you have given you tend to go along with behaviour you don’t like and blowing up is partly attributed to you going along with things. In your Hone Goods example, why didn’t you say I want to go to Home Goods, if there is time we can go to your preferred choice of B&M but first Home Goods. If he insisted that he wanted to go to B&M you could have said, fine you go to B&M and we will meet up afterwards.

You need to let go of the notion that he will be able manage his behaviours to the extent that they don’t impact you. You are signing up for life long managing situations where his behaviours could take over. When DD was young, she had a terrible phase of trying to get the attention of adults who were in conversation and her teachers and I reminded her every time that she had to wait her turn. DD was attention seeking and with very firm boundaries she grew out of it but it took a long time.

I think you may have misdiagnosed your H behaviour as attention seeking, I think deep down you know he doesn’t have the social skills to realise how his behaviours impact others. As frustrating as constantly reaffirming boundaries are, it does have the effect of reminding both parties that there are boundaries. For your own sanity you need to acknowledge and assert your own needs and come to terms with your H’s limitations. Adding cognitive decline into the mix means will only make it only harder.

Why would a 61 year old have a diagnosis of ADHD? Unless he's actively sought it out, nobody is going to offer him an assessment unprompted. A person of his age is far less likely to be diagnosed.

Ask him to read or listen to the book Time to Think by Nancy Kline. It really hit home for me. I'm like your DH and my husband finds it exhausting too.

I have a theory that as people age their characteristics become more pronounced. So the introvert stays home more, the chatty one chats incessantly more.
I am late 60s and would say you have to avoid the situations in the first place.
I do find that older men seem to go to great lengths to explain why their view, thoughts, ideas are RIGHT and aren't too interested in your opinions. I put this down to them losing value in the workplace, a sort of mid life disappointment. So they need to express their views more out of the workplace.

It could be ADHD so read up on auditory processing.

I let my DH spout forth and don't bother to argue or debate as it doesn't really matter if I agree with him or him with me. I have my own views which are fine with me.

My friend was offered a diagnosis unprompted. In England.
She's in her 40s.
People can be diagnosed with ADHD at any age.

I come from a family of loud, energetic and opinionated people too OP!

It sounds as though you're muddling what might be a behavioural issue/bad habit with something physical like hearing loss/memory problems. The former you can tackle, the latter less so.

Why don't you start from the 'worst case scenario' and take it from there. Assuming he's aware that he has possible cognitive issues, get in to see your GP and set the ball rolling. Likewise with the hearing problems if you haven't done that already.

If he's given the all clear, then you'll need to have a honest (calm) chat with him about the constant interruptions. If he's anything like some of the people in my family, it's just simply a bad habit that's developed and a need to 'have a voice' because it's hard to get a word in edge ways.

Start with the medical stuff and get that either confirmed or ruled out. Then at least you'll know what you're dealing with.

I should also add that in my family, I've just learned to speak up. If someone is trying to suggest I 'go to B&M instead of HM', I just say, 'stop bossing me about please. I am going to HB'.

You don't have to be angry or mean, you just need to consistently reaffirm your boundaries. If he's talking over you while you're on the phone, it's a case of 'I'm talking to X. Please let me speak without interrupting' or if he's muscling in on a chat with a friend, shoo him away. If he's well (and not dealing with cognitive decline), eventually he'll get the message!

I don't think it's a medical issue if others in his family of all ages have it.

It's a sound attention seeking though. For those saying about people not having backbone, it's incredibly hard to get away from someone like this. I'm not sure about your husband, OP, but I know people who start a story, tell you half of it, segue into another story and then into another and another and then start to wrap up all the different stories. It means that if you say goodbye halfway through then they say oh no I haven't finished telling you …