is husband an attention seeker...

[beckybarefoot]

or is it something else?

Very similar to a thread i just read, i didnt want to take away from that one, so started my own

My husband has to simply have the last word.. on everything! i love him dearly, and its not a deal breaker for me (yet) but it really irratates me at times to the brink that i snap.

he will:

If i say for example, i want to pop in to home bargains for x, y and z.. instead of simply saying ok, he will reply with.. or we could go to 'B&M' (insert any highstreet brand here). What then usually happens is he will then head to his chosen establishment, and when i state that i didnt want to go here, he will be surprised and say 'oh i thought we said we were going here?' I know it sounds silly but Ive had 10 years of this.. if i say i want to go to home bargains, then i am bloody well going to home bargains.

Another thing he does is he takes over conversations, so for example, an old friend works in a local department store (and yes i know they are dated, and its a proper grace brothers set up, but its also a tax haven for the owner.. sorry unwanted background there), anyway, on our walk on a morning, i may pop in and have a wander round, and if i see said friend will stop for a chat. me and her are very clearly chatting, about nothing really, yet he has to muscle in and steals the conversation and i end up just standing and they are chatting (no he's not flirting, he simply has to take over the conversation). Even if i am speaking to a total stranger to him, someone he has never met before, and without any introduction, he will simply join the conversation, then he will take over and then we are stood for ages talking!

He does not appear to have the ability to simply say in passing.. good morning, lovely day and then carry on with the walk, he has to stop, and he will talk and talk and talk until i will get impatient and grumpy and very rudely have to apologise and drag him away.

Gosh I'm sorry for rambling.. we will be in the car, and i may call my daughter for something, and he will sit next to me, and then he will interject comments into the conversation that are not relevant or needed and are just annoying and again try to steal the conversation, its like he simply cannot stop himself from speaking.

And before everyone jumps on me and tells me to leave him, thats not going to happen. As Ive said, these are not deal breakers, but they are annoying and i let them slide most of the time until something in me snaps and then he gets it 'both barrells' and i tell him how this interjections make me feel, and for a while it will stop but it doesnt take long until they sneak back.

I suspect there may be some undiagnosed issue here, but then all the men of his family, Dad, Uncle, and even his children are the same. They are loud, outspoken, no filters, have to be the centre of attention!

The question is, how do i deal with it, without losing my shit every couple of months, and having a full on meltdown and start screaming at him?

I understand, I am more than likely going to have it tough, and i shall certainly sort the wheat from the chaff with the replies. He is a good man with a kind heart and treats me very well in every other aspect of our marriage.

i agree - be straightforward and maybe also use affectionate humour. My daughter makes jokes about DHs white male privilege and the fact that he constantly needs to tell her stuff. She even used to say ´shush just stop talking now please father’ on long car journeys. When out with friends we often complain about not being able to think straight due to big male voices interrupting.

I have so much sympathy…partly it’s because I come from a very quiet family so find DHs too much.

dh takes over conversations and sulks a bit if he can’t. His dad is the same.

tactics…

I leave him to do his own thing, having a dog is very handy for this….he takes the dog for a walk so I can have a potter round shops on my own.

if we are out for dinner with friends I don’t sit next to him..(works if more than 4 of you) so I can ignore whatever he is up to.

i just tell him we are off now when he’s gone on too much.

he doesn’t know he’s monologuing, and it’s worse when he’s hungry or stressed.

Right back at you. The DH is rude for monopolising people's time.

This. Or if you're truly exasperated, as I often am, you could just tell him to shut up or go away.

so a bit of an update... had a chat with hubby, very gentle and lighthearted and i mentioned a possibility of ADHD... his reply... Im autistic!!

he's never ever in our entire life together mentioned a diagnosis, we've been married just over 10 years.. it doesnt make any difference to how i feel about him, but it reassures me that he's listening to me. He says its 'mild' whatever that means, and he's happy to try 'work on' some things?

@MarchMiddleton

Many sympathies to you OP, my DP is very similar!! You can add in 'not listening in the first place and then looking confused when I assume he's heard things', though...

I don't care so much about him talking to complete strangers now - generally I can just walk away and do something else with the DC, now they're older - but I just find it so annoying when he takes over conversations I'm having with my friends.

For my DP I do find he's getting worse as he's getting older - 55 now - partly because his social circle is getting smaller in general, and partly because he's slowing down too and is really bloody lazy prefers to spend as much time as he can glued to the sofa!

Yeah this. ^ My DH (Been together 40 years, married 37) is like this, and like your partner OP @beckybarefoot (and several other posters on this thread,) he has got worse as he has got older - moreso since his mid 50s (he is 62 now.) As a pp said, he is one of those men who sometimes spends a long time telling you why their opinion is RIGHT and doesn't listen to anyone else's. Our DC CBA talking to him half the time as he just chats shit some days, and is NEVER WRONG. He will make quite a lot of effort, and spend quite a lot of time, trying to blame ANYbody but himself if HE does something wrong! 😆

He can be really good fun and good company sometimes, and is a kind and thoughtful soul, but he can have days when he is irritating and exasperating. EG: he will be looking at his computer and suddenly burst out laughing at something - like bellowing. He wants me to say 'what's so funny?' so he can bore me with what he is looking at for 10 minutes!

Also, when I 'like' a tweet of his (or retweets as he often posts them,) he says 'ooh you liked that did you? That was good that was wasn't it? Did you think it was funny haha?' and then goes on to show me the fucking tweet again! It's putting me off 'liking' his posts on twitter now as he regales me with it again - EVERY time!

He also gives me a running commentary of what he is watching - even when I am trying to read, or look at something on my laptop or phone. And like some other older men, he has no friends (except one work colleague who he only sees/speaks to at work,) and he has no family except me and our adult children, and no hobbies. Oh, and he only works 18 hours a week now, (2.5 days,) so he is at home a LOT.

Like several pps said about their DH, he follows me about a lot at home too, just follows me from room to room when I am doing housework/chores, and when I am preparing and cooking dinner. I have to say (some days,) 'will you sit the fuck down, and stop hanging around like a fucking fart?!' He looks and acts so butthurt, but when he's following me around like an attention-seeking toddler, he needs telling!

As I say, he is OK some days, but exasperating on others, and I am not looking forward to him retiring! (I am 3 years younger!) I am self employed and work from home, and find it really hard to work when he's at home, as some days he won't stop talking! I do most of my work when he is in bed or when he's at work.

Like the OP, I am NOT going to leave him. Not gonna happen. I have learned to manage his behaviour by spending half the time outside/going for walks, or with friends, or at my hobbies, or just in the garden. I can't just sit in the house with him every waking hour as some days he never shuts up, and he has the TV on nearly ALL THE TIME (when he's not at work,) and when he's on his computer, he keeps regaling me with what he is looking at, so I can't concentrate on anything I want to look at - or do.

Going back to what the OP said, my DH ALSO chats constantly to people when we're out. We can be out shopping, or on a daytrip, and a lot of the time he just randomly starts talking to anyone who meets his gaze. Stands next to people looking at something, and just starts talking. (For this reason, when I want to go shopping, or to do household related stuff, or buy anything for the house, or get clothes for myself etc, I go out on my own around 80% of the time... ) As a pp says, men get like this when they get older, and have much less (or no) friends, and hardly any hobbies or family, and much less value in their work/career.

I am stashing up a lot of Valium for when he retires! 😆

!

Has he had a formal diagnosis?

Just sounds like your typical bloke. I doubt hes diagnosed with anything if he's never mentioned it before!

Mine likes to be the centre of attention. On occasion, he's interrupted me or started talking over me mid sentence. He only does this when the conversation is about me or my work etc etc. It used to annoy me but I thought it an oversight. Until he kept doing it over & over again. Now when he does it, I will loudly state he is being very rude as I've not yet finished talking. It's a bit embarrassing but more so for him. He's starting to get the hint now

not that i am aware of, so unless this has happened prior to my meeting him.. i dunno?

I dont really care, i love him dearly i just get frustrated at times with him and i get angry with him, and i know its a me problem not a him problem and i want to manage it and be better.. we have a liftetime ahead of us

I sometimes wonder if middle aged men like this ever self-reflect. Ever ask themselves if other people think they're as intelligent/interesting/amusing as they think they are. My husband's ego is like Teflon. Everything slides off him. Nothing, I mean absolutely nothing, so much as dents his own high opinion of himself. It's extraordinary. He's done some absolutely ludicrous things with immense consequences to himself and he still thinks he is entirely without fault.

Just go where you want to go yourself - why on earth must you do everything together ?! You live together right? Just meet each other at home later, problem solved surely.

My husband is a chatty extrovert who will get into conversation with anyone and everyone. It used to drive me crackers until I realised other people see it as an endearing trait. I just leave him to it these days - married for 30+ years so there’s no changing him now.

I think you've had a hard time on here. This sounds exactly like my friend's ex husband, and though he was a lovely person in many ways, he had no idea of what was appropriate when it came to conversations. He never understood that his wife might have wanted to chat to people without his interjections. She could never have friends over because he'd just sit there and talk at them. It was as if he was desperate to share his thoughts and couldn't possibly manage to keep them in! But it made life very difficult for his wife, who was pushed to the side of any conversation.
He had Aspergers. A lovely lovely man but it was too much for his wife, and they divorced. They're still friendly.

I think you need to work on being more assertive OP. You are not speaking up quickly enough and then it’s spilling out in anger. You need to be much clearer with your needs and boundaries so it doesn’t get to that point.
“Joanne needs to be getting back to work now, let’s go.”
“No, we are going to home bargains because I need to get x from there. We can go to b&m afterwards if you want.”
“Please don’t interject, I need to discuss x with my daughter.”

you missed the bit where we both work 24/7 shifts and time at home together is very rare, so as odd as it sounds, i do like to spend time with my husband.

i expected no less than a hard time.. its ok, there are some great suggestions in the middle of it all which intend to use moving forwards. thankyou

My lovely dad is like this! He’s 73 now and as a child I was so confused that he knew so many people and have these long conversations with now I realise strangers! As I got older, I realised he just wants to ramble on to anyone and everyone!🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m able to shush him now and I, his child, have had to teach him social norms. It breaks my heart now though, because family have grown to ignore him and cut conversations with him. Plus, he would do the same about going to a different shop and be confused no one even mentioned that shop. Or do things round the house no one even asked for. I think he may be a bit neuro diverse, so I always make an extra effort with him and give him lots of time and let him waffle on to me! I love him dearly, but he’s hard work.

Does he talk to you like that for hours and hours? Sounds like he's lonely to me and you do sound rude.

Are you ok? You appear to be particularly keen on ripping apart OP

😂.. i most certainly am not rude.. but we are all entitled to our opinions... thank you so much for your comments.. i'll totally disregard them thanks

aw thank you... i expected no less here on MN, the nasty comments really don't bother me. theres always one who wants to pick apart something someone had said, point out their mistakes or errors and try to make them feel bad.

they quickly speed read a thread, don't really take time to understand what is being asked and just hammer away on their keyboard like the true warrior that they are x

He's not an attention seeker. He's a bore.

The best thing you can do is to curtail his opportunities derail a situation. Ignore him if necessary and take charge by driving yoursrlf and treat him the way he behavrs.

It sounds like adhd/asd however it’s really strange for him to never mention a diagnosis earlier