is husband an attention seeker...

[beckybarefoot]

or is it something else?

Very similar to a thread i just read, i didnt want to take away from that one, so started my own

My husband has to simply have the last word.. on everything! i love him dearly, and its not a deal breaker for me (yet) but it really irratates me at times to the brink that i snap.

he will:

If i say for example, i want to pop in to home bargains for x, y and z.. instead of simply saying ok, he will reply with.. or we could go to 'B&M' (insert any highstreet brand here). What then usually happens is he will then head to his chosen establishment, and when i state that i didnt want to go here, he will be surprised and say 'oh i thought we said we were going here?' I know it sounds silly but Ive had 10 years of this.. if i say i want to go to home bargains, then i am bloody well going to home bargains.

Another thing he does is he takes over conversations, so for example, an old friend works in a local department store (and yes i know they are dated, and its a proper grace brothers set up, but its also a tax haven for the owner.. sorry unwanted background there), anyway, on our walk on a morning, i may pop in and have a wander round, and if i see said friend will stop for a chat. me and her are very clearly chatting, about nothing really, yet he has to muscle in and steals the conversation and i end up just standing and they are chatting (no he's not flirting, he simply has to take over the conversation). Even if i am speaking to a total stranger to him, someone he has never met before, and without any introduction, he will simply join the conversation, then he will take over and then we are stood for ages talking!

He does not appear to have the ability to simply say in passing.. good morning, lovely day and then carry on with the walk, he has to stop, and he will talk and talk and talk until i will get impatient and grumpy and very rudely have to apologise and drag him away.

Gosh I'm sorry for rambling.. we will be in the car, and i may call my daughter for something, and he will sit next to me, and then he will interject comments into the conversation that are not relevant or needed and are just annoying and again try to steal the conversation, its like he simply cannot stop himself from speaking.

And before everyone jumps on me and tells me to leave him, thats not going to happen. As Ive said, these are not deal breakers, but they are annoying and i let them slide most of the time until something in me snaps and then he gets it 'both barrells' and i tell him how this interjections make me feel, and for a while it will stop but it doesnt take long until they sneak back.

I suspect there may be some undiagnosed issue here, but then all the men of his family, Dad, Uncle, and even his children are the same. They are loud, outspoken, no filters, have to be the centre of attention!

The question is, how do i deal with it, without losing my shit every couple of months, and having a full on meltdown and start screaming at him?

I understand, I am more than likely going to have it tough, and i shall certainly sort the wheat from the chaff with the replies. He is a good man with a kind heart and treats me very well in every other aspect of our marriage.

Came here for the advice, left fuming at how rude discountsandoffers is. Glad they’ve buggered off.

My guess is he’s adhd or autistic and maybe you’re only noticing it because you may be menopausal and more irritable ?! (Only a guess from husbands age)

Is a bit like Uncle Colm?

obviously he should seek medical advice about any possible health issues.

he sounds controlling and to have poor social skills.

You both sound highly ‘co dependent’ which is unhealthy.

In the short term you could do lots more things without him and don’t go to places you don’t want to.

I wouldn’t seek to ‘rescue’ other adults from being droned at, I’d just politely leave the conversation.

these problems could get much worse if you personally develop any health issues and have to rely on him - have witnessed this.

I think this is a man thing to an extent.

I'm seeing it more and more as I get older. So many men lack social awareness and conversation skills. It's become a sport to watch my XP and XFIL - both of whom I'm fond of - talk at each other about different things at the same time and not actually engage with each other's conversation.

He sounds annoying but if it's not a deal breaker I guess you can only explain it and why it's annoying

Missed the update that your H thinks he has autism, seemingly having lied by omission about it for many years.

it’s not a ‘you’ problem. Your H’s behaviour is much more of the problem.

This. You can't control him or make him change you can change and control yourself. No more outbursts, go where you want to shop and if he interrupts you talking to your friend just say very clearly, hang on I haven't finished what I was saying.

In the nicest way, perhaps start doing some of your activities alone and dont announce everythingto him (just say im going out, not specifically home bargains). I noticed my husband was getting irritated with my little escapades and whilst he wouldn't comment, his facial expressions were enough to ruin my fun. We're better if I don't drag him everywhere. Your issue is different but solution seems same to mine. I think you can at least not have this worry and enjoy what you are doing.

oh you're a lovely person... im most definately not fuming. as hard as it is to believe, people do have lives away from their keyboards.

i've got all the advice i needed thanks... and all the nonesense i've chosen to ignore.

how do we sound co-dependant? i am truely curious. i've already explained that we work shifts 24/7 and a lot of the time we don't see each other except in passing for a upto a week. and you're now telling me that during the time i do spend with my husband... i'm co-dependant?

ive decided im not going to reply now anymore.. i have as much advice as i need, and the nasty comments are not needed.

Are you being sarcastic? I never said you were fuming or didnt have a life. I pointed out that that other user was being very rude to you. I felt that needed calling out.

You mention he has some hearing loss and memory issues. This may be related. My audiologist told me that untreated hearing loss can lead to memory issues later in life.
Do you drive? I would just take myself to Home bargains
With regards to interrupting maybe do what judge Rinder does and hold up your hand and say taking lol. I would also raise my voice and continue my current conversation

*talking

I’d say from the inability to read social cues that there’s some kind of neurodivergence going on , perhaps autism or ADHD. It also very often runs in families.

Sounds like there’s clearly something else going on health wise. As someone that lived with a family member with dementia for 14 years you are going to have to find ways of adapting to his changing behaviour. Maybe contact your local Carers charity for support or speak to your GP.

I was just about to post the same thing!

I know I will get jumped on for suggesting this as someone suggests it in every post, blah blah blah, but memory and hearing problems are linked to ADHD and he has common traits. And I'm suggesting it because you probably won't change him if it is ADHD. I have ADHD and the suggesting other options to me seems like a novelty seeking thing. I think you just need to avoid situations where you will get frustrated, like shopping. Save your time together for something else where you are unlikely to bump into people. If you must get shopping done, split up to save time and meet up for lunch at the end.

I have to say with the butting into the phone conversation with your daughter, I actually find it rude when people have private phone calls on speakerphone in the presence of someone else. It feels rude to me to keep quiet, and it's also boring. Save your private conversations for when you are in private.

Each and every time he does it, just say "you're doing it again"

At age 61 he is unlikely to have a diagnosis of autism or ADHD because they didn't diagnose 'mild' cases until the late 90's to mid 2000's. ADHD diagnosis in the UK was only diagnosed in children and not adults until 2008. I know many adults in supported living age 50 plus who are obviously autistic with no diagnosis. It's why there is such a boom of adult diagnosis now and it's seen as a trend, but when neurodivergence is approximately 1/8 people and nobody was diagnosed for years then it is a lot of people wanting a diagnosis at once.

My husband does this - and he has ADHD. Any other traits your husband has?

I don’t relate to the ‘stolen’ conversation thing, I just see that as all the people chatting , otherwise he’d be stood there like a spare.

I have autism and adhd, grew up with a load of siblings, can probably seem rude due to interrupting and going on tangents , one person talking at a time feels way too slow at times.

having a really shit memory is part of it, does he constantly go up and down the stairs or in and out of rooms? Goes to make a drink , gets distracted, comes in the room realises he’s lost his phone or some other annoying thing? I initially read it like he was a narcissistic person imposing his will but the other stuff leans me towards oblivious.