Help. I am abusing my DH and don't know how to stop.

[NastyWife]

Unsurprisingly I'm a name changer, but a regular.

I've been with my husband for 10 years. In the beginning we were the best of friends, did everything together and I could talk to him about anything. I was always the more dominant in the relationship and people always noticed how he'd do anything I asked him to. We'd just laugh about it and say it was just how we worked.

As the years passed I have steadily gotten worse. I used to ask him to do things, now I tell him to and scream at him if he doesn't or if he does and it's not to my standard (which it never is). When I read about husbands demanding their dinner is on the table, or whatever, I'm full of righteous anger for the poor wife - but I do this to my dh. He can't do anything right in my eyes, he does more than his fair share of housework, is fantastic with the kids, works full time (I only work part time and look after our young children during the day). He takes over most of the childcare in the evenings and the cooking (not always but more than is fair).

I am the most ungrateful, vile, horrible wife. I have almost struck out at him in anger (but haven't).

I call him names, tell him he is useless and pathetic for any tiny mistake. I resent the fact that he doesn't look after himself (never gets a haircut, dresses badly, shaves when he feels like it) because it stops me being attracted to him, and I feel he doesn't care if I am or not. He always tells me I'm beautiful, I tell him he's a scruff. He often initiates kissing, cuddles, sex, I always turn him down. I push him away. I have told him that his not looking after himself upsets me, and he promises to do something about it, but doesn't. He's quite scatty in general and this was one of the things I used to love about him, but now I just find it so irritating.

I am so angry at him all the time and I don't know why or how to change it. We have been through a lot in the past few years with MCs and subfertility (mine) and this has brought us both down, but this has been going on for longer than that.

I am an abuser. He is a kind, devoted and loving man and I do not deserve him at all. How can I change? Please help me. I don't want to be so angry all the time.

you need to see someone - a councillor or maybe your GP.

I do get depressed and am much worse when I am, but even when I'm not I still have all this resentment. Currently not depressed BTW. I think I need a personality overhaul.

Could you try Relate? You don't have to go with your dh - you could go on your own.

can you not start today? Try and delay responding to your dh for 10 secs until you decide whether what's about to come out of your mouth is reasonable? I think you should actually sit down with him and acknowledge your treatment of him - and apologise. Tell him you want to change and ask him if he'll help you - so that he points out to you when/if your are being unreasonable.,

How does your DH feel about your behaviour/ react to it? Does he think there is a problem with the relationship?

Crikey.

Are you sure he doesn't have a masochistic streak and enjoy this? My DH would have been gone along ago...!!

At least you can recongnise this in yourself. I think counselling (asap) would be a really good idea, on your own or together.

Have you spoken to DH about it all?

Do u know why you are angry all the time? I think councelling wound be a good idea.

You're very lucky he hasn't left you already, now at leastyou are aware that your behaviour is wrong so are hopefully on the right track to changng it. Could you come up with some strategies yourself so that every time you are about to say something hurtful you bite your tongue, hold it in, and say something neutral or kind instead? Habits are very hard to break, but where there's a will there's a way.

Do you love your DH? Do you genuinely want to be with him? Because if not your resentment at your situation could be making you lash out at him?

Message withdrawn

Agree with HewEdwards too, you need to sit down with him, acknowledge your behaviour is wrong and appologise to him. Poor guy.

It's good that you recognise your behaviour is abusive and want to change it. Your husband doesn't deserve that treatment and you know it's not acceptable.

There is a possibility that your anger may have a hormonal cause. Speak to your doctor about that.

At the very least you need some sort of counselling.

Show him what you have written here. Please.

As someone who has been in your DH's shoes, it is the quickest way of showing him it isnt his fault (which he most certainly will think it is).

You dont need a personality overhaul, the fact that you've posted here today shows that you are not the person you outwardly seem to be.

You just need someone to talk to, whether that is your DH or someone professional.

My DH is patient and understanding, God knows how.

I don't know why he stays. He loves me completely and tells me often. He blames himself

I will try the 10 second thing.

Have just burst into tears. Think it might have finally sunk in that I am taking out everything that has ever gone wrong in my life on the one person who wants to help me.

I think you're very brave for addressing this and talking about it.

I agree with the advice so far. One of the things that is often said when people talk about their abusive husbands is "would he treat a stranger in the street/colleague/etc like that - of course not". As well as talking to him and apologising, make a decision that you will treat him with normal human respect that you would show anyone. I think one reason abuse can happen in a is marriage because of the way you are tied together, so a partner will end up taking much more than a stranger would.

I also think counselling for you both together and for you on your own would really help. The anger may be actually nothing to do with him but he is just there to soak it up.

I don't have any further suggestions to what people have already said but I just wanted to say well done for recognising your negative behaviour and for trying to change it. It's so difficult when we get into patterns like this - and his behaviour is part of the pattern too - because it's a habit, but good luck with changing your habits and getting happier.

Your poor husband. If you were posting that your husband did all of these things to you, I suspect there'd be a million posts telling you you were a victim of domestic abuse and advising you to leave. It is good that you recognise that you are abusing him and that you want to change. You do need professional help. You sound so unhappy and, more importantly, ready to change. Go to your gp, to relate, whatever it takes. Good luck.

Are you like this with anyone else or just him?

Also, try and remember to say 'thanks' - I think it's something very easy to get out of the habit of doing.

I have apologised before, and will again. This has to stop now.

I do love him. He deserves so much more than me... This all comes from my insecurities. I'm so terrified of losing control of my life.

Definitely try counselling. I had anger problems that I would take out on my dh and like you used to feel awful. Counselling helped me realise that there was a reason for my behaviour and just understanding why you do something is a major step forward in trying to control/manage the situation.

In the last 5 months I've only lost my temper once whereas before the counselling it was practically a weekly occurance. You will need to be prepared to work at it though and the process will be painful but it sounds as though you want to work things through and that will be enough of reason for doing it. I also didn't want my dd to repeat my patterns of behaviour.

It sounds like you have been through a lot in the last few years and you just need some help working things through.

Cestlavie - Only him. If you knew me you would think me kind, patient and thoughtful - hard to believe I know

Nastywife - I was also only ever angry around my dh. Everyone else would be so shocked to know how I used to behave behind closed doors. It does sounds like there are control issues here which is similar to me. Without wanting to dig up anything have a think about whether there were times during your childhood where you felt out of control.

Well done for admiting this. I think you are very brave.

It strikes me that you have a lot of anger and resentment, and maybe not necessarily about him. Perhaps you have something in your past that is unresolved and as your husband is a "safe" place to vent your anger and frustration, you do. I wonder - where your parents like this to each other or you?

I think you really need to get some proper professional counselling - I would suggest art therapy, its fantastic for underlying problems that you cannot put your finger on.

In the meantime....
Snap yourself with a light elastic band on the wrist every time you are mean to him. Keep a very private journal and just write - even if it doesnt make sense - it will in the end. I would even suggest some time away for him so that you realise what a great dh you have. It does sound like he has lost all his self esteem, and perhaps because of this you dont feel you can lean on him emotionally and this makes you angry?

Please please keep posting.