Help. I am abusing my DH and don't know how to stop.

[NastyWife]

Unsurprisingly I'm a name changer, but a regular.

I've been with my husband for 10 years. In the beginning we were the best of friends, did everything together and I could talk to him about anything. I was always the more dominant in the relationship and people always noticed how he'd do anything I asked him to. We'd just laugh about it and say it was just how we worked.

As the years passed I have steadily gotten worse. I used to ask him to do things, now I tell him to and scream at him if he doesn't or if he does and it's not to my standard (which it never is). When I read about husbands demanding their dinner is on the table, or whatever, I'm full of righteous anger for the poor wife - but I do this to my dh. He can't do anything right in my eyes, he does more than his fair share of housework, is fantastic with the kids, works full time (I only work part time and look after our young children during the day). He takes over most of the childcare in the evenings and the cooking (not always but more than is fair).

I am the most ungrateful, vile, horrible wife. I have almost struck out at him in anger (but haven't).

I call him names, tell him he is useless and pathetic for any tiny mistake. I resent the fact that he doesn't look after himself (never gets a haircut, dresses badly, shaves when he feels like it) because it stops me being attracted to him, and I feel he doesn't care if I am or not. He always tells me I'm beautiful, I tell him he's a scruff. He often initiates kissing, cuddles, sex, I always turn him down. I push him away. I have told him that his not looking after himself upsets me, and he promises to do something about it, but doesn't. He's quite scatty in general and this was one of the things I used to love about him, but now I just find it so irritating.

I am so angry at him all the time and I don't know why or how to change it. We have been through a lot in the past few years with MCs and subfertility (mine) and this has brought us both down, but this has been going on for longer than that.

I am an abuser. He is a kind, devoted and loving man and I do not deserve him at all. How can I change? Please help me. I don't want to be so angry all the time.

NW, there's nothing to shoot you down over. Why should we shoot you down when you are taking the first, painful, steps towards making a change and bettering things?

Counselling is a fantastic tool. You must be prepared to face the root causes of your behaviour, accept them, and change things. It can be painful, but it can be well worth the pain. That has been my experience.

I have, for many months, been having real problems with anger management, and things have been escalating and getting quite horrible. A couple of weeks ago I had just one session of hypnotherapy, and the change in me has been fantastic. I am so much calmer, and don't lose my rag all the time now.

Olease consider hypnotherapy as a little 'quick-fix' to help you, in conjunction with counselling. Seeing that you can make the change you want gives you the strength to go further, and to deal with the issues that led you to your current situation.

I would hate it MV

Dittany, we have talked about it. We are still close and I am there for him in so many ways, just as he is there for me. I want to get across that our realtionship is more than this. Him going away and everything that happened hurt me so much, but it is time for me to get past that and stop feeling this anger. I think I resent that I can't bring myself to rely on him anymore. I can't be sure he'll always be there for me, because when the worst happened he wasn't.

I need to learn to trust him and appreciate him again.

This sounds so confused...

Is there any way I can let the anger out on my own? Does anyone know any techniques?

Nastywife, I admire you for being so honest. I am guilty of this too sometimes with my dh..he's always telling me how lovely I am ...I tell him he's got food round his mouth . He comes up to hug me..I want to pull the grey hairs out of his temples.

Things got so bad between us a while ago he was considering cosmetic dentistry to try and make himself more physically appealing to me.

I am brusque and bad tempered with him..yet on the 'outside world' everyone thinks I am great, happy, friendly etc etc. I think a lot of my resentment stems from me being a people pleaser all the time. It frustrates me that i do this, and i think my dh gets the brunt of my frustration.... My dh is the one who I should be trying to please more than anyone else.

I have felt resentment towards him over the years as he has been the ONLY man i have ever slept with/had a relationship with and I was very young when we got together. I think I take this out on him too. Its your choice how you treat your dh. But your thread has made me realise I can be an old cow too, and I need to sort it, as its not fair that he has become my emotional punchbag. Good luck x

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Marina, PrettyCandles, thank you for your kind words, I will look into hypnotherapy.

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Maidamess - thank you for being so honest. I got together with my dh when I was quite young too. Good luck to you too!

NW - you are making perfect sense.

Re: techniques - I used to hit myself when I got angry but I wouldn't recommend that as an option, but now I just remove myself from the situation as soon as I can feel it boiling up inside me. Sometimes it only takes 30 secs for me to calm down whereas before I just used to wind myself up into a rage.

HuwEdwards plenty of woman have posted being in a similar position to the op's husband and the general advice is usually to leave them. I even read one from a man where people were asking if his wife was depressed and asking him to help her rather than help himself!

Nastywife - I agree that's it's good you are admitting you have a problem but you have to consciously stop it. You need to work on helping him build up his self esteem again imo and maybe then he would take more pride in his appearance.

I had a session with a RL hypnotherapist.

It hasn't completely solved the problem but has made it much more manageable. I don't get nearly as angry, nor nearly as often as before. If I do get angry, the rage doesn't last and I don't over-react. I get angry and then it's over. No festering. Such a relief.

I'm going back for more!

I am definitely starting a counting to ten rule as of now.

I was wondering about discussing a "safety word" type thing with dh, where if I'm being an unreasonable cow he can say it (rather than argue back or whatever which can escalate things) and I can count to ten or walk away for a bit, or something; just to break the cycle. Does that sound mad?

NW I think your safety word idea sounds good..as long as you don't bite his head off if he says it!

Maidamess I will promise not to.

Dittany, I know he understands that he hurt me, and I've tried to explain that I need to trust him. He asks what he can do, but I can't answer that. How can he/we re-build the trust? I abuse him about all the little things, the unimportant things. And I hurt him. None of it is on purpose, but it is done. I will try that website - God, I'll try anything!

Continuing to be scruffy and unkempt is his (harmless) way of rebelling or 'fighting back'.

Externally he may not be fighting back, but inside he is.

MC, I hadn't thought of it like that, you could be right. I need to rethink so much.

Thank you so much dittany. I will get that book, I've printed out the info from the website and will try it tonight. I already feel like something has changed. I just hope I can help DH and mend some of the damage I've caused.

Dear NW,

it's the first time I'm reading that someone is behaving exactly the same way as me to my dh. Have namechanged for this as too embarassed.

My dh is lovely, kind hearted, funny, great rugger body, beautiful and intelligent. Short, I am very attracted to him. Yet at times I turn from MrsHyde to Jekyll and I feel unable to stop myself. It's like a horror scene unfolding in fron of my eyes, standing next to myself, watching myself say and do things I will later be ashamed of, yet being unable to stop myself.

It's the way all of my few long term relationships have gone. It all starts rosy and great, then after 3-5 years I start putting the man in my life down, telling him how he could do better, that he's not half as good as me, etc. With my dh I told him he's fat, sneer at him when he tries something on, mock his knowledge of languages, job, etc, tell him what a shite low life he had before he met me, etc. Really heartbreaking, personally hurtful stuff.

Recently we had a chat about it, he said I've put him down so much he has lost his self-esteem, his perspective, joy, hope... For the first time ever I admitted I feel helpless and don't want to lose him but feel I cannot help myself.

We agreed that I would take a time out if he says 'You're starting it again...' and so far it has worked. It makes me realize that if I go on further from there I risk hurting and losing him. He usually takes me in his arms and that heels my outbreaks.

NW, I feel for you, because I'm going through the same. I tried to research this issue and have found it does have its roots in your childhood. You seem to push the one closest to you away to see if he will still try to be with you, like a constant proof he has to give to show that he'll never leave you. Someone once said to me that all the negative stuff you experience in life (bullying, taunting, being excluded, unloved, pushed away, never feel worthy enough, etc.) goes into a drawer deep inside you. As you get close, very close to a person (in my case and your case our dh's) you start to open up and relax around them. As time goes by you trust them and might share some of your experiences with them and as you do, that nasty drawer pops open and all the unwanted stuff comes out, too.

I really hope you can find a way to ask forgiveness from your dh and change your ways before you really lose him. Ask yourself why you fell in love with him in the first place. Why would you want a robot rather than an independent (if slightly scruffy) spirit?

I pushed my dh down because I had problems with MYSELF and wanted to make him feel as insecure as I was. I felt shit and didn't want to see him happy and on top of his game. Everyday I have to actively stop myself from snapping at him by breathing in and out, then continuing to do whatever I was doing. I think I'm more relaxed now as I'm more aware of the risks of my nasty remarks.

This thread could have been written by me I was an absolute bully.

my dh was nearly perfect and i treated him like utter crap. He was also the best looking man i ever met, and when i dumped him cos i was angry, of course it only took a month for some other woman to snap him up.

Now its me who is suffering.

Get help before it happens to you too.

NW - such good advice here from such caring MNers. I think you need to accept that your relationship needs a complete overhaul. you cant just fix this by trying to do better. yes it needs effort and self control but you need some professional help. Not just a book - you need a counsellor or therapist or support group. or both

if i were married to you I would take your apologies & nice dinner with a pinch of salt. i would want action, not apologies or words of self blame/self loathing

sorry if this sounds hard its not meant to be

This is exactly how I behave with my husband behind closed doors.He finally stood upto me 2 months ago and said unless I changed he will leave me.I have known all along that I am wrong.In my case, my behaviour towards my husband reflects exactly how my mum behaved towards me when I was a child.I havent confronted her about it yet, but will do. I am hoping that coupled with some counselling and amendments on my parts will set things right eventually.Is there something like that from your past that has influenced your behaviour. Because I dont believe me and you are bad people. It is frustration and disillusionment with something which m,akes you want to hurt those closest to you.

MogulinTraining thank you for sharing so much of yourself. It's good to know that I'm not a complete freak of nature.

Allgonebellyup - I am taking your warning to heart

Kristina - it doesn't sound hard, it sounds true. Funnily enough it's one of my things to always say that I want real actions, not words or flattery.

Tiredmama - it's true that we hurt the ones we love (I know I've gone above and beyond). There's so much frustration in me, but this is not the outlet I should use.

I've had a lovely evening - one of the first in a long time. We laughed and joked and cooked together. I apologised, but he shrugged it off as "no apology required" - so first I need to convince him that that is not the case, a huge apology is needed! I know this is just one night. I know I've got a bloody long way to go. But I've got to start somewhere, haven't I?

I should have posted about this ages ago.

I would bet that somewhere in him, he is getting something from this power balance.
I know it sounds weird but someone who is being regularly treated badly, and refuses to acknowledge it, is not behaving normally themselves.
Perhaps he could use some counselling too?

I have a dear friend who has always treated women really really well - his friends, I mean - not had a lot of girlfriends - but he spoils his friends something rotten. And seems to get off on being rejected. So he has pursued me for years and finally I decided I loved him back and he went all funny! I think he likes to be snubbed, for some reason. playing a role, if you like.

I wonder what your husband really thinks? I would be scared he was plotting a terrible revenge but he probably isn;t

I hope that didn't sound too glib. But his response sounds like he isn't comfortable with discussing what's really going on. This might be contributing to making you feel like you have to push him even further? I don't know, something sounds odd.

Hope you can both find a way through the minefield.