Help. I am abusing my DH and don't know how to stop.

[NastyWife]

Unsurprisingly I'm a name changer, but a regular.

I've been with my husband for 10 years. In the beginning we were the best of friends, did everything together and I could talk to him about anything. I was always the more dominant in the relationship and people always noticed how he'd do anything I asked him to. We'd just laugh about it and say it was just how we worked.

As the years passed I have steadily gotten worse. I used to ask him to do things, now I tell him to and scream at him if he doesn't or if he does and it's not to my standard (which it never is). When I read about husbands demanding their dinner is on the table, or whatever, I'm full of righteous anger for the poor wife - but I do this to my dh. He can't do anything right in my eyes, he does more than his fair share of housework, is fantastic with the kids, works full time (I only work part time and look after our young children during the day). He takes over most of the childcare in the evenings and the cooking (not always but more than is fair).

I am the most ungrateful, vile, horrible wife. I have almost struck out at him in anger (but haven't).

I call him names, tell him he is useless and pathetic for any tiny mistake. I resent the fact that he doesn't look after himself (never gets a haircut, dresses badly, shaves when he feels like it) because it stops me being attracted to him, and I feel he doesn't care if I am or not. He always tells me I'm beautiful, I tell him he's a scruff. He often initiates kissing, cuddles, sex, I always turn him down. I push him away. I have told him that his not looking after himself upsets me, and he promises to do something about it, but doesn't. He's quite scatty in general and this was one of the things I used to love about him, but now I just find it so irritating.

I am so angry at him all the time and I don't know why or how to change it. We have been through a lot in the past few years with MCs and subfertility (mine) and this has brought us both down, but this has been going on for longer than that.

I am an abuser. He is a kind, devoted and loving man and I do not deserve him at all. How can I change? Please help me. I don't want to be so angry all the time.

you sound like my mum and I urge you to get help now or at least try and work with him or you will find yourself like her a sad old and quite lonely woman.Her husband my stepdad is a lovely patient man and I have often prayed he would leave her.She also has anger issues but won't address them whereas you sound really willing to change so thats a good thing.Build on that and think about how he must feel xx

sophie - you have hit the nail on the head.

One more thing. Dont be too harsh on yourself, you clearly love him dont you? And he loves you. There is something that is wrong and it needs fixing.

MoreSpamthanGlam, thank you, that post was really helpful. My parents never ever argued - we were the house of "sweeping everything under the carpet". I don't think I've ever learnt how to be angry normally IYSWIM - we weren't allowed to show emotions.

NH, I don't want to be like your mum

I think it definately is a control thing, and a testing thing. To see just how far you can push him. Maybe you think he will leave you and you are pushing to see how far he will go before he will break?

Then maybe thats it. You have had so many rotten things happen that you have not dealt with. And he is a secure place to vent your frustrations.

When you get angry can you try and think about what it is that is the root of your anger? Is it really that he hasnt put the clothes away or that he spent too much or he was late home? Or is it that you feel insecure about yourself? Lord knows - ive had those feelings.

I am so ashamed of myself. I think I'm just pushing him away so that I can say "see? He left you too! Nobody wants you."

I'm going to make him something special for dinner and greet him with a glass of wine and an apology at the door.

I only had about 10 sessions which was enough for me to rationalise my behaviour and make steps to change.

One of the hardest things for me was coming to terms with the fact that I'd married someone who was just like my father, not in personality terms, but my father was never around during my childhood because he didn't want to be, however, dh is not around because of his work, so I was resenting my dh because of the feeling of abandonment from my father. Obviously lots more to it than that but it really helped me realise why I was behaving in a certain way, and that I wasn't going mad by behaving really irrationally. Was able to explain to dh whilst I was behaving the way I was so helped for him to understand why some things made me more angry and upset.

you sound different though my mum would NEVER apologise or try to make amends She has been like that with us too and she just seems sad to me now although when younger we all hated her

Well done NW. Just dont expect anything in return...

Hecate I agree with you. Why is it different when a woman posts saying she abuses her husband yet if a man posted the same thing he would be shot down?

If you can't control yourself maybe you should move out until you've had some treatment. It's really unfair and wrong that you're abusing someone else like that, he doesn't deserve it and I bet he has no self esteem left at all. Maybe he's depressed from the way you treat him?

I'd suggest thinking about him and not yourself, make sure that he's ok.

Nastywife (which I don't think you are BTW) I think you are very brave. Your posts are very honest, and you are doing the right thing in taking control of your behaviour and changing things.

I suspect his self-esteem is at an absolute low. Perhaps that's why he's not left or stood up to you? We see it on here all the time in reverse don't we?

You can see Relate on your own, he doesn't need to come with you - not initially anyway.

You know you have to change things, draw a line under it and make things different. If you find yourself slipping into 'Nastywife' you can stop it, and just be nice.

We always take things out on those closest to us. Look forward and take charge.

Good luck, I really hope you make things better for both of you.

Sophierosie, something you said just made an alarm go off in my head. My parents were often too busy with work to spend any time with me and I felt very ignored growing up: I feel enormous resentment towards my husband for choosing to work away for months at a time. He is now working in this country, but I still feel injured that he didn't choose to stay until after I lost a baby while he was away. Not sure that made any sense at all.

NW-you have had some good advice.somebody asked about hormones,is there a pattern to your behaviour?i am only asking as i was very controlling of my dh when i was first pregnant-which stemmed from my insecurity and being afraid of losing him,while at the same time trying to push him away because i felt vulnerable and hated feeling like i needed him.it was a combnation of low self-esteem i'd always suffered,depression,and anger/hurt left over from 2 past relationships where i had been the victim of abuse.

councelling and AD's helped alot,but its taken me a long time to learn to trust,and i still have issues when i have PMT.

JodieG you are wrong.

I firmly believe if a man came on here p acknowledging his bad behaviour towards his wife and asking how he can change, he would not be shot down.

That makes perfect sense NW

I don't think he would be shot down if he had NWs approach and was asking for help

Hecate and Jodie, I agree completely. I am not justifying myself. There is nothing I can say to excuse my behaviour. I'm not expecting not to be shot down - shoot away, shoot away.

The next step would be to get some counselling for yourself to work all of this though. Counselling can be quite expensive although many counsellors offer reduced rates, alternatively MIND offer counselling for free. Your GP should also be able to refer you although there is probably a waiting list a mile long. Have a look on the BACP website for a registered counsellor.

Nastywife, I think if it has been going on for so long it is probably a deep seated behaviour that you yourself have no control over. That is how it would be if a man was beating his wife, and I see no reason this should be different - yes, you can start by apologising tonight but it won't stop you losing it next time you are wound up.

You need to go to your GP I think, and ask them seriously to refer you for some anger management at least, and preferable some other form of counselling - ask what programme they use for men who are abusive, and they might start you on that.

If your GP doesn't know what to do, contact your local womens refuge or support group, who will possibly have more knowledge of the help available.

You're probably acting this way as a reaction to something in your childhood, and you can change it if you want to but it might take a while. Ask your husband if he is willing to hang on while you stick with your sessions and try to make deep changes.

Hopefully he will do so and you'll both be a lot happir

Well done for admitting your problem, you're really brave to do so.

Message withdrawn

He never did look after himself (which was fine when we were students), but I think that I have destroyed his self-esteem piece by piece. I think I'm going to show him this thread (not sure yet), I think he needs to know how wrong I am and how good he is. Thank you for your post Megglevache.

Message withdrawn

NastyWife, well done on admitting you have a problem and the very best of luck with making those changes in your life.
The downside of a long-term relationship is that both of you can gradually drift into patterns of behaviour that aren't fair or healthy, and only realise when things get out of hand.
Believe me, I know how pregnancy loss can do (fixable but) awful things to the dynamic of an otherwise good and loving partnership XXX
Please keep us posted as to how you both get on