When do family members become too old to drive your children.

[Thereisalwaysanothertime]

Mil is about to turn 80. She drives a small car and is still happy to drive. But will avoid motorways etc.
I haven’t been in her car for a long time, but she will sometimes pick the children up and take them back to her house. This is on fast road and then down country lanes about 40 mins away.
She is getting older but still fairly mobile. But I’m starting to think that I no longer want my children to be driven by her. They are my responsibility and I don’t feel comfortable with them being driven around by an 80 year old anymore. Is it time to call it a day on these lifts even though nothing specific has happened yet.

I think there's quite a big difference between someone driving who is used to driving on their own then driving with other people in the car - and children can be particularly distracting.

Can you use that as an excuse?

As I’ve said, mil is a safe driver. She hasn’t had an accident and has a clean driving licence. She is comfortable driving, but is cautious and avoids fast roads, driving late at night etc. in theory there is no reason why she shouldn’t drive the kids around.
However, the reality is that drivers over 70/75 are at an increased risk of accidents than any other age group except those under 21. Their reactions can be slower. It is part of the aging process. The average driver stops driving at around 75. And insurance premiums go up precisely because of their higher risk. So whilst mil is still a ‘safe’ driver, I think adding children onto her car journeys is too much.

Average driver stops driving around 75

That seems early to me.
It would be interesting to back count, how many years on average from death?

(Wondering whether it is stayed of declining health rather than Age.)

father in law picked our kids up until mid 70s, would sooner they were in a car with him than many of the young kids and adults who completely disregard speed limits etc, it’s about how safe you feel she is, not how old

As I’ve said, mil is a safe driver.

you haven’t been in a car with her for 9 months

out of interest, is your Dh against stopping her hence you asking mumsnet?

I agree, I think there should be a retest every 10 years or something. The car has to be tested as safe to drive every few years, so why not the driver?

My parents/in-laws are well under 80 but my grandparents drove my dc around until they gave up driving in their late 80's. They are now in their mid 90's and struggle to care for themselves these days but they like to be involved. They like to come and watch my dc at their watersports club. They love it and so do my dc.

My granddad was driving up to until about a month before he died at 87. He was a brilliant driver (though he was a policeman and had plenty of training) so I don't necessarily thing age is an issue.

I think it's more down to eyesight and coordination and whether or not they have all their faculties about them. My neighbour is about 75 and crashed into a fence post the other day because his eyesight is going (he has stopped driving now). My husband is 50 and doesn't drive because of his eyesight.

I think you need to see for yourself op and get in a car with the woman.

I'm sure I read a statistic about being 85+ being a significant risk.

Sounds like you just don’t like her much.

that’s why i’m curious what her DH thinks

It sounds like she is a very safe driver. Therefore the risk is no different to if you or your husband were driving. I think you should stop making a fuss.

I think we can tell exactly what he thinks without even having to ask!

By OP’s own admission she’s a safe and cautious driver who has a clean license and has never had an accident! I can think of plenty worse people to be responsible for driving with my child.

exactly

and given he is the one who’s actually experienced his mother driving in the last 9 months and says all is fine….

OP get in the car with her yourself and make a judgement call based on her driving rather than navel gazing on mumsnet about something you’re worried about but haven’t actually bothered to experience yourself for 9 months

The children haven’t been in a car alone with where for nine months. Last time my husband was with her and she was driving was prob a Feb. He said her driving is ok, she is not unsafe a bit cautious. But the dynamics of having primary aged children in the car when she is driving alone with them is more of a concern. Even I find driving without children easier as there is less noise and no distraction.

So you’re really worried OP

so much so it would seem you don’t want to risk being in the car with her

and i think safe to presume your DH absolutely doesn’t think it’s necessary to stop his mother taking the children in her car

What about 80-90?

A clean driving record just means they haven't been bounced yet. My uncle also had a clean driving record, right to the day he came back from Tesco and ploughed into next door's wall instead of parking on his drive. He'd very likely been saved from death multiple times by other road users taking evasive action.

OP if you can, get in the car with her and see how she is. If you can't do that, just take the kids there yourself. It's a really hard conversation to have. It can be easier if you frame it like "ah, it's a hassle for you going all that way".

Husband thinks it’s probably wise she stops driving with the children alone as it’s a lot to manage at her age. The children are 8 and 7. And she hasn’t driven or had them alone for a while. So it’s probably something we don’t want to encourage anymore.

Exactly this. Not about age, per se.

so i’m confused

Both of you are on the same page
and yet you’re starting a thread on mumsnet asking if you’re being unreasonable

we are talking about your children. If the one person in the entire scenario who has actually been in the car with her in the last few months thinks that she should stop… then for goodness sakes, just do it rather than canvassing anonymous opinions about your children’s safety!

I’ve no idea why you think my husband ‘absolutely doesn’t think’ his mother should stop driving. He says she is safe on her own, but like, me thinks that with the added responsibility of children in the car is probably too much to expect of her. And as their parents it’s for us to make that call.

This is not AIBU. I was just asking opinions as it’s a sensitive subject and the fact she hasn’t driven them for months.

so there we have it

Parent up and both of you say that you’ll drop the children and collect

sorted

I would go out with her and then decide.

i allow MIL to drive the children around at 78, but i don’t allow my BIL in his 40s. His concentration is shocking and I don’t think he should be a driver (I firmly believe we encourage driving far too much and there’s so little acceptance that some people just should not drive as they don’t have the necessary skills).