When do family members become too old to drive your children.

[Thereisalwaysanothertime]

Mil is about to turn 80. She drives a small car and is still happy to drive. But will avoid motorways etc.
I haven’t been in her car for a long time, but she will sometimes pick the children up and take them back to her house. This is on fast road and then down country lanes about 40 mins away.
She is getting older but still fairly mobile. But I’m starting to think that I no longer want my children to be driven by her. They are my responsibility and I don’t feel comfortable with them being driven around by an 80 year old anymore. Is it time to call it a day on these lifts even though nothing specific has happened yet.

I don't think age is the main factor here. There are older people who are entirely competent and younger people who are dreadful. If you have had no issues whatsoever with her driving until now, i wouldn't stop the lifts just because she has hit a particular age.

you haven’t been in the car with her for a long time?

well then you need to Op to see what she’s like and i can’t believe you haven’t before now

I would go on quality of driving, not age.
We are happy when my DF was 80.

Get in the car with her without the children and see.

I think you have to exercise your own judgement by observing her driving. My mother drove until 90, at 80 she was still a very safe driver.

I think that if they are safe enough to drive they are safe to transport the children.
If they are a risk to your children they are a risk to themselves and all road users.
When MIL became an unsafe driver we had a conversation about her surrendering her license we never had a stage where she was safe enough for herself but not our children.

My husband sometimes drives with her. He says she is ok. Cautious. Nothing unsafe, but she will only drive if she has too. And will avoid faster roads if she can. So nothing particular, but more that she is getting older and becoming less confident generally.
I feel like I want to call a day on her driving with the kids. She obvs can carry on driving as that’s her choice, but I think 80 is my cut off point for my children to travel with her.

how well do you get on with her?

Statistics say that if an 80yo has an accident, it's most likely their fault. That's why insurance post 80 increases a lot. Obviously it's going to vary by person and it's very difficult to make the assessment.

When I was teaching DS to drive, there was a car in front of us driving slowly and erratically. DS thought the driver was drunk. I told him, no it'll be someone elderly. It was.

It's very difficult. There's a balance between being ageist and tackling safety.

We get on ok. She is pleasant enough, but I wouldn’t say we’re close. The children prob haven’t been in her car for about 9 months now. And she has mentioned them going over soon and she will pick them up. And then take them out and about. I’m just not sure I feel comfortable with it anymore.
its not being ageist, I would just feel anxious that an 80 year old is driving them around country roads and a dual carriageway. Redactions, confidence etc slow down with age. And I think I don’t want to put my children in that situation anymore.
Not sure what my husband or I should say to her?

Trust your gut. My FIL is 80 and I wouldn’t want him to drive my children but he is an adult so I can’t stop him driving himself.

The logical thing to do would be to get in a car with her and see what you think then. Otherwise how can you judge? Just because 80 is a nice round number it doesn't mean her driving is any worse than it was a year ago.

I only ever went in ex mil car once, at 50 her driving was terrible and she never, ever drove my dc. The ex fil was an alcoholic so he never drove them either.

My parents are 80 and 86 and still have our two in the car.

They are both competent drivers, my mum has always been a better driver than my dad. Both still drive on A roads and motorways.

It all depends on how safe someone is behind the wheel.

My parents drove my children around until recently and I was starting to become nervous about it. Then a few months ago they decided to give up their car and stop driving, which I think is sensible. They're a bit older though - 82 and 87.

That’s how I feel. I’d never forgive myself if something happened whilst she was driving with my children. And because they haven’t been in her car for about nine months, this feels like the right time to end rather than start it up again.
What should we say to her though? Any suggestions?

She is just getting more cautious and nervous in general. Doesn’t mean she is an unsafe driver necessarily, but I no longer want to take the risk with my own children.

There is also the issue that unless she drives, she is stuck in a village in the middle of nowhere. But that was her choice to live there. She lives about 40-45 mins away depending on traffic.

"I feel like I want to call a day on her driving with the kids. She obvs can carry on driving as that’s her choice"

So it's OK if she kills herself or other people? She's either safe or she isn't.

I agree with a previous poster. If she's not competent to drive your children, she shouldn't be in the road at all. Go for a drive with her then have a conversation.

She is a safe driver, cautious. But I just feel that I don’t want my children in her car anymore. Nothing has happened. And she is comfortable driving.
It is not my place to say stop driving, given she hasn’t had an accident etc,, but because of the higher risks associated with older drivers generally, I feel I don’t want my children travelling with her anymore. That might be my anxiety, but I am responsible for the children and I feel that’s enough.

Either she's safe or she isn't. Which is it?

There became a point where my dad started not noticing (fairly obvious) things, forgetting to use the handbrake on a hill etc and we thought he was not safe at all to drive. As it happened this was due to a brain tumour and he was deemed medically unfit to drive. Even after 2 years we thought he wasn't alert and observant enough to regain his licence. This was in his late 70s but based on his actual driving ability rather than age. FIL was better at driving when he was 80.

its not being ageist, I would just feel anxious that an 80 year old..

😂

I wish it was not up to you or your DH or indeed your MIL to make the decision. There should be regular eye tests and theory tests as a minimum at all ages, it should not be self-certifying.