When do family members become too old to drive your children.

[Thereisalwaysanothertime]

Mil is about to turn 80. She drives a small car and is still happy to drive. But will avoid motorways etc.
I haven’t been in her car for a long time, but she will sometimes pick the children up and take them back to her house. This is on fast road and then down country lanes about 40 mins away.
She is getting older but still fairly mobile. But I’m starting to think that I no longer want my children to be driven by her. They are my responsibility and I don’t feel comfortable with them being driven around by an 80 year old anymore. Is it time to call it a day on these lifts even though nothing specific has happened yet.

Age is a number.

People should stop driving when they are no longer safe.

That number will be different for everyone

@crayfishyum

Both of you are on the same page and yet you’re starting a thread on mumsnet asking if you’re being unreasonable

Er yeah. This is mumsnet. People post all sorts of things on here. Wondering if she and her DH are being unreasonable is hardly a peculiar thing to post.

but this is their children’s safety

surely that if both think something you don’t then garner anonymous views? so if we’d said “nah of course she can drive”, they would have ignored their own concerns?

Age is a factor, she is more likely to have a heart attack or stroke at the wheel!

Exactly- just because someone is 80 does not make them gaga or incapable drivers, or at risk of stroke or heart attack at the wheel.

My bil is 83 and drives long distance and often abroad, and is a great driver. Much better than some of the younger ones family and friends.

I would let my child drive with my mum, she is 80 and I have no concerns. I used to have concerns when he was driving with his dad because I thought his dad drove too fast. My own dad is 82 and just bought a new car.
As other people say, you need to go for a drive with her to know how you feel. If her reflexes are still good I'm sure she's fine. You will know - I got a lift with someone in their late 80s once and their cautiousness was too extreme to be safe - taking literally ages to decide to pull away from the roundabout for example, even though it was safe.

Yeah but usually by 80 that number is reached. Only difference is that for some it comes earlier. An 80 year old person doesn't have the same quick judgement and reaction skills as someone a quarter of their age. They just don't.

They surely do have skills and experience to offer the world, but driving - and particularly driving on national speed limit roads - isn't generally one of them.

Ofc some people in their forties or thirties or whatever are also unsafe drivers. Some people are unsafe drivers full stop. But by 80, most people are not okay on unfamiliar roads or roads over 30 mph.

@Lalog many do reach that at 80. But not all and you dont get to pluck a number out of the air and decide no one can drive after that age.

No I don't get to. But having been through this with several family members and knowing that the lack of statutory framework makes it fraught for anyone close to these drivers, I wish that we could at least stop pretending that age has no bearing on driver safety.

Go for a ride see what she's like driving. I know people perfectly competent driving in their 90s, and a few 40ish year olds I'd rather avoid getting in a car with!

You need to judge her actual driving. I was in the car with my father and my children one day, he often gave them lifts and I didn’t usually go too. I was shocked by his lack of attention to the road and other traffic. He did not drive them again and as soon as a very minor incident gave me a good reason I persuaded him to give up car and license.

If her driving is poor, then fair enough.

But you are VVVVU to do this on the basis of age and not observation

Someone's either a good, safe driver or they aren't, regardless of age. How is it ok for them to drive themselves around, but not your children? If you don't think they're safe to drive your kids in their car, you shouldn't be comfortable with them driving full stop. I guess the only other aspect is if you think you're kids would be distracting as passengers (I know mine can be).

Why are you not answering people who are saying you need to actually get in her car and see for yourself!?

Your husband seems ok with it so you need to find out

And also maybe consider that she won't want to harm her DGC either?

Lalog 'But by 80, most people are not okay on unfamiliar roads or roads over 30 mph.'

where on earth do you get this? Not in my experience at all.

Driving on your own is very very different to driving with young children - they can be a huge distraction to any driver let alone an older one with slower response times.

My mum's driving deteriorated quite sharply just before she got to 90 but I was happy for my daughter to go in her car until then.

As I’ve said. I think there is a difference between driving on your own, but driving alone with primary children who can easily distract you seems a higher risk.
I can go in a car with her, I generally don’t as if we travel together, our car is much bigger and fits everyone. My husband says her driving is ok when he has been with her, but having younger children in the car and being responsible for them whilst driving is more demanding, particularly when on a fast road.

OP you need to get in the car with mum and assess for yourself. And then have the guts to discuss this with her, calmly and ask if she would be prepared to do this

https://advanced-driving.co.uk/driving-blog/mature-drivers-advanced-driver-training/

if it was ever suggested I was not safe to drive GCs, I would offer to do this myself, confident I would have no issue. Always been a good confident driver in all conditions, including both automatic and manual, and on both sides of the road in many countries.

I thought someone I knew well in their 70's was a safe driver. He drove my young DC fairly often on journeys up to an hour. Two weeks after the last time he did this, he was driving only my DM, hit another car head on at speed and killed her and another woman. My DM was 69. He survived but couldn't remember what happened. Witnesses said his fault.
I wouldn't risk it I'm afraid.

I won't let my DC get in the car with FIL and neither will I. He's 80 with a myriad of health conditions most of which he refuses to acknowledge. Like deafness for example. He can barely walk but won't use a mobility scooter so I refuse to believe his ability to react is as good as it should be.

I guess an issue is I wouldn’t get to see how she manages the children whilst driving alone with them. And whether they behave nicely and sit there or whether they start messing around or causing a distraction. Whether she just focuses on the road or whether she is chatting away etc.
And the odd trip with me in the car wouldn’t really give a reliable insight. I just think now is the right time. She hasn’t driven them for a good while. And I think now I would be waiting for the text that they had arrived safely.
I think it’s just not worth the stress. Thanks for all the insight. We can all only do what we feel is right for our kids.

Younger people have accidents, very serious ones, all the time.

At 80 I was happy for my DM to drive my DC around town, but not on long motorway journeys. I never said anything, I just made excuses for her not to.

I stopped my XH driving my DC when he was 45, because from experience I judged him to be a terrible driver. Nothing to do with age, everything to do with this individual. Drive with her and make your own judgement about her as an individual.