Describe the moment you left your narcissistic emotionally abusive partner

[Whereisthemoney]

Like how did it happen?

Was it months/years of planning and you left silently.

Or was it during an argument you just said that was it.

How did you say it?

Backstory - I'd found him on dating sites, email conversations of a sexually explicit nature, and he'd run up debt I didn't know about.

One day I told my parents, after 6 years of knowing as I'd found more, and then I got legal advice, opened accounts in my name alone, etc. Went away to watch motorsport for the weekend and text him to tell him I needed to talk to him when I got back. Sat him down and told him I wanted a divorce.

He was vile. He spouted that his family always said I was no good, that I stole his money, that his friends hated me because I was a 'stuck up madam'.

The fact I owned an almost unencumbered home when we met, that I worked full time all through our marriage, and paid his debt off using a strict budget was neither here nor there. Neither was the fact he spent money secretly like water, and was shagging around behind my back. I even paid for him to do an HGV course so he could get work when he left the army ffs.

Must have seen me coming. Although he's done it to 2 other women since.

I was with my ex for 3 years. He courted me for the first year, then once I moved in with him everything changed. I was never good enough. He wouldn't lift a finger to clean or cook. Together we had 7 horses, I had 3 and he had 4. I worked as a bartender full time,had 2 side businesses, was going to college full time, and he still expected me to "take care of him." Looking back I think I stayed so busy so I wouldn't have to deal with him. If dinner wasn't on the table when he got home he would leave and go to his parents house to eat dinner. He threatened to kill me multiple times, one time he did it in front of his family and they didn't say a word. I was expected to pay half of everything (and I paid for everything for my own horses) and he would get after me wondering where all my money went.

Honestly the first time he hit me I started packing my stuff immediately. Then he got down on his knees, begged, pleaded, and said he would see a therapist...all of the bullshit crap they will say to keep you there. Like an idiot, I stayed. He stayed at his parents for a week. It didn't get better. I was going to school to be a therapist and when he told me he was talking to "a therapist" on his lunch break and she said I was the problem I called his bluff. He didn't like that. Then he started to hit me while he was "sleeping" and claimed he didn't remember. So I waited..until my birthday of our third year together(he ruined all 3 of my birthdays with him). He took me to a river to swim with his family (I don't swim in open water, he knew that) and I just hung out with my mom on the bank. I looked around and I told him there were snaked in the water, he didnt believe me. What did they do later that day..they pulled a snake out of the water. He was pissed. When we got home, I got invited out by my friends and he was mad I was going to go. So in the midst of arguing he slammed my face into a door and a switch flipped in my head I grabbed my purse and walked out.

I got my horses the next Day while he was at work, then I went ahead and grabbed a couple of my male friends to come with me to grab some of my stuff while he was at work. But I refused to see him again. I have severe PTSD because of him. I've had a lot of therapy. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Thank you. It does give me so much hope.

And gosh that's true. The nice phase is still part of the cycle isn't it. I just always hope it'll continue. It's crazy of me.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

My best recommendation is to start a daily diary of his abuse. Just log everything from the day. Any arguments or gaslighting record it.

I had a daily diary in a word doc for four months while I got myself set up to move. I recorded how he spoke to me, harrased and belittled me. I even had to record our WhatsApp calls as he would rewrite everything in text to suit his narrative. I thought I was losing my mind until his close friend told me it was his pattern and he's done it before. She always blamed the women for being unstable and believed him. She thought he had changed with me but I don't believe men like this never change unless they do extensive work and therapy. And even then I don't know if they truly can

When I finally had everything set up to move I went to the police and they recommended taking out a restraining order.

He was never physical but emotional and psychological abuse and coercive control is abuse. It's been so useful to have a record of it. One to use for my restraining order but also to remind myself just how bad it was. How scared I was and how unhealthy an atmosphere it was for my baby to grow up in.

Don't put up with it. It will never change, they are never truly sorry and it will only get worse and worse over time.

I'm three months out and it's been incredibly hard but so worth it. I'm starting to feel like the old me and I'm not scared of every little thing.

I think I found my thread! Been out for 3 weeks but he has still messaged me. I’ve ignored then tonight I got message after message about how I’m never happy, no one can make me happy, I’m controlling I’m abusive, I’m impossible to live with and how he is done and he honestly doesn’t want me. I know it’s because I’ve ignored him but i feel like I’ve had breakups before and the sadness is because of the future that never will be but leaving him I feel desperately sad about the future that never was but I feel I’m also like grieving a person that never existed. Throw into that the sheer anger that I put up with it and that I seem to be missing him despite the abuse. I can’t speak to family and friends they won’t get why I’d miss someone who behaved that way. Todays a tough day 😢

So happy to hear you got out. I have a diary and note down unreasonable behaviour, mainly the big stuff not the everyday disrespect. I was finding I couldn't remember stuff, my mind was blocking what was happening so I needed a record for my own sanity! And if I need it as evidence in the future.

Yes I believe they can never change it's just such a head mess when they are being nice for a bit, even though it's been years I still think maybe he'll be nice from now on. My moods are so connected to his it's not fair on me or my children.

So glad you've got out! He's shown his true colours tonight then! I've heard it's common for them to accuse us of what they do. Mine said to me the other day how I stop him from doing what he wants to do (can't remember ever having stopped him doing anything!!!! But me on the other hand).

Its crazy how these men can treat us so badly yet we still just think about the good times. How do they do it. I know I know it's because of the trauma bond but you'd think it would take a mastermind to do this to someone! Treat someone badly and they still want to be with you.

It cost me dearly. The hardest thing to lose is your children.

He’s shown his true colours more than once I just didn’t want to see them. Oh yea got that a lot and I was controlling because I said hey you spend more time with your friends than me and I don’t feel that’s acceptable. We made a plan he ditched it for a friend but yet I’m abusive and controlling for saying this isn’t ok.

I think for me I can’t let go and I can’t accept that who he pretended to be doesn’t exist. How did I fall in love with a ghost?! The person he was in the beginning I would have loved for the rest of my life. He’s made me believe he is the man I met but I’m the reason he isn’t that person anymore.

fuck I feel so stupid and angry. I don’t want to say he has broken me because then he succeeded but truthfully I’m broken and today has just been a bad day. I don’t want to hurt anymore

Well my story is different... We split up because the arguing arising from me trying to fight my corner over his general neglect (going away for weeks at a time on cheating sprees and not answering phone etc) and pathological lying, but I was so manipulated ( I suppose?) by him, I begged for him back. At first.

He was 10 years older than me and it was my first relationship, incredibly intense. He love bombed me within days.

Then just after we separated I found out he'd cheated on me with literally countless girls during the 18+ months we'd been in this deep relationship, including my flatmate, random people from the internet, anything that moved, and even a young girl where it seemed consent was unclear. He was unstoppable. He also had shallow effect and no real emotions.

I'm saying this because abuse and control is not always physical like many of the stories here. And yet I was so emotionally controlled by him, I convinced myself he was ILL and needed my help to get better.. and so I should beg for him back! I was such an idiot. I was a desperate girl. And he keeps finding desperate girls.

I saw recently online he'd shacked up with another girl the age I was when we met (19/20) - meaning he's 20y older than his current girlfriend. Such a sick bastard. I wish I could save her.

This was all about 13 years ago. I'm now married and have been in a happy relationship for 10y but I think about this traumatic experience every week, I regret to admit sometimes every day. It's like what they say about heroin - you can't match the highs, nor the lows. It's still so painful.

I should probably get counselling but I sort of begrudge having to spend money on what he did to me when I'm making a success of my life (and he's a waster / fuck up).

If I could give advice to anyone in a relationship with a narcissist it would be RUN RUN RUN and the pain you feel now is NOTHING to what you will endure by staying. Break the pain barrier and please release yourself. They ONLY get worse. They CANNOT be fixed.

You could have written my story… almost word for word. Only difference was that I used a couple of garages belonging to friends to store stuff in.

Gosh you got me with the bit about the person I met at the beginning I could have loved for the rest of my life 😭😭😭. I couldn't understand how mine had never had a long term relationship, a friend told me how his last relationship had been on and off all the time. He said his last gf was awful to him criticising him, putting her family before him etc etc. All of these things I now know are red flags.

Are you seeing a therapist or anyone? I think anyone that's come into contact with one of these people needs to as they mess our heads up so much :-(.

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry he did this to you and the lasting effects. I know what you mean, I am trying to get help through various agencies as I can not afford to pay but it's proving difficult. I don't see why I should be financially penalised further (I already have been by being on this relationship).

And thank you for your last bit of advice. This has been said to me before. I just wish I could get through this brick wall stopping me from leaving. Just need to rip the plaster off as they say.

Yes it’s sad isn’t it! Mine had a 10 year marriage prior to me and I have been told by his ex wife how he treated her and it was identical! Somethings he was worse with her because by her own admission she is not as confrontational as me and would just keep quiet. I always called him out so certain things he did to her he didn’t do to me because I blew a gasket.

I have an appointment for the freedom programme to stay away mostly but also to process what he did. Truthfully I don’t have money for therapy. I wish I did because I think I need someone to talk to.