Page 3 | Describe the moment you left your narcissistic emotionally abusive partner

Whereisthemoney · 2024-06-06T22:43:36+00:00

Like how did it happen? Was it months/years of planning and you left silently. Or was it during an argument you just said that was it. How did you say it?

CuppaTea23 · 09/06/2024 11:39

Thanks for posting this as I'm also finding the answers incredibly helpful. We had marriage therapy and the therapist told me it was abuse and to leave him. Madly we agreed to separate them he started behaving more like his old self, so I gave it another go. Then 18 months later it was such a daft incident that tipped me over - accusing me of a situation being my fault that was so blatantly ridiculous, I just couldn't believe he could even try to twist it to being my responsibility. We agreed to separate, and that he would move out, but now nearly 10 months later, he's still here and there are endless health issues meaning he couldn't possibly go. I might start my own thread to see what the wise folk of Mumsnet say, as something is stopping me making this happen, and I can't work out why. Having therapy, but it's a slow untangle of the codependency behaviour. I think I may need to accept that I leave as he won't. Good luck to you OP, I hope you escape soon.

Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 14:41

Justkeepswiimming · 08/06/2024 23:38

@Whereisthemoney sometimes the final moment that pushes you over the edge isn't that enormous. I've mentioned what that trigger was for me, but honestly, compared to everything else it was pretty innocuous. In my head I'd been preparing myself mentally for a long time. Quite why that particular moment for me. That particular argument, that particular point, I'm not sure. But I remember going out for a walk that evening after putting dd to bed and clarity washed over me. I had to get out. I still can't describe it. But I saw so clearly then the manipulation and the abuse. I'd obviously felt the pain and hurt and sadness for years, but that one incident made me see everything else really clearly.

I remember probably 12 months before this point, saying to a friend I just wish he would cheat. It would give me a tangible reason to leave, a real reason in my head. But honestly had I found out about his affair, would I have left? I don't know. He'd crossed so many of my red lines around verbal abuse, physical abuse. And I was still there. So what was another breach of trust? Even if it was tangible. So was shoving me. So was pinning me to the back door. I didn't leave immediately after those.

Get your ducks in order, you are stronger than you know. My ex had convinced me he was propping me up. That I was incapable. Hindsight shows me that it was the other way round. I propped him up emotionally, financially, etc since the day we met. I was his cheerleader all the way through our long relationship. I was there supporting him through the myriad of issues. I supportefd him to go to uni, i supported him when work got tough. I backfilled our finances whenever things ran low. When I realised that, I knew I could manage on my own. Low and behold I'm better off now, emotionally and financially, than I ever was with him. You've got this too!

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I'm so glad for all these responses. Shows me there is hope and one day I can do it. I know what you mean about financially supporting him. I have got in so much debt from this relationship. And with the emotional damage, it's cost me alot!

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Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 14:44

mardirousse · 08/06/2024 23:39

We finally went to marriage counseling and the counsellor called it abuse and advised me to leave him.

I had lost touch with reality and didn't realise. There was financial abuse, emotional abuse and sexual abuse.

Lots of times I tried to tell him things weren't okz but he gaslit me. Like when I told him I didn't like what he did to me during sex, and that he needed to ask before doing things like that, he said that he didn't like talking during sex and didn't need to anyway because he could tell by the way my legs moved that I enjoyed it. So then I'm on the back foot, l trying to explain why my legs moved like that. It was madness but that kind of thing had become normal for us.
After the counsellor put names on the behaviours the scales fell from my eyes and there was no going back

I've had so many mixed messages regarding this. As the therapist I saw was from relate and they aren't trained in emotional abuse, she mentioned these words but never stated you are being emotionally abused. She also said have I considered having joint therapy...lots of time. And I know you can't have that if it is an abusive relationship so I keep questioning if I actually am being emotionally abused. It's crazy, my head is all over the place.

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Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 14:50

Aintnosupermum · 09/06/2024 03:45

I had two moments. He decided he didn’t want more children after our third child. I said ok but then get a vasectomy. He went ahead and ‘booked the procedure’ except he didn’t and I ended up pregnant with our 4th child. I wanted to keep the child, he didn’t. He drove me to the abortion clinic with the kids in the back seat and made me go in and get it done. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. I went ahead with the abortion because I was scared of being vulnerable again and him being more and more controlling. I had managed to stay employed but a fourth child would make it harder and delay me leaving him. I was awake for the procedure because I wanted to feel everything and never forget what this man had done to me. He picked me up afterwards, I asked to go to a diner for comfort food and he bitched and moaned the whole time that the diner was terrible, there was nothing on the menu for him to eat (it’s a fucking diner with 10 pages of options so there is always something to eat asshole) and complained when I went to take a nap in the afternoon because he wasn’t Mr Mom.

I had a second moment when he left our youngest child in the car while he went shopping in the mall with his sister. It was about 6 months after the abortion and 30C outside and thank goodness a lady saw my daughter’s bright hair and raised the alarm. He never took responsibility for leaving our daughter in the car and blamed his sister. I started preparing to leave him at this point but doing my research and speaking to people I decided to delay because he would have so much time with the children. As it is he has them every other week. It’s a nightmare and I don’t regret waiting until my youngest was able to wash/groom herself, prepare a bowl of cereal and knew to go to a police(wo)man if not feeling safe and give them my phone number. This came in handy when he lost her at the airport transferring planes and the police called me to locate him.

Covid hit and we were stuck in a house together. He complained about the house being too small. No joke it is a huge home worth millions. People were dying all around us and there he was complaining that a beautiful home filled with his wife and children wasn’t enough.

I did think carefully before completely ending it with him. His friend verbally assaulted me because I spoke up about my husband not pulling his weight. Apparently I was demanding and a jerk because poor working class guy (who had never done a working class job in his life) didn’t feel comfortable living in the ‘wealthy’ suburb with the best schools, close to the beach and best leisure facilities. I never told my husband this has happened and waited for him to call me to make sure I was ok. Two years later he finally mentioned it. He brought it up to our child’s therapist and said I can’t be trusted and I’m a liar because I didn’t call him to tell him what his friend had done. It wasn’t on me to tell him. I knew his friend will have told him. My husband never defended me despite me being required to defend his indefensible behavior. The therapist was open mouthed and called him a hypocrite, which he didn’t like.

I do understand staying in an abusive relationship when you have young children. I did it knowingly and it was very tough but I protected my younger two children. He worships the eldest child and has pretty much discarded our son who is quite autistic but brilliant and he is meh about our youngest who is a tomboy. He is now telling her she is a boy, while telling everyone else that gender doesn’t matter. If it doesn’t matter why bloody talk about it with others?!? She is a young child and I consider it healthy she has shared her feeling about this with me. I don’t discuss it with anyone who isn’t in a need to know role (teacher, doctor, therapist).

Our eldest child is manipulated by him so badly. As an example, he has told he she must go slowly. This doesn’t work when you have 3 children. All 3 have to follow the schedule or it’s chaos. If their schedule is to get up, eat breakfast and get ready is 7-8am, and her siblings accomplish this, it’s not fair they have to wait while their elder sister ‘goes slow’ just like Daddy told her, and isn’t ready until 9. Her siblings regularly lose their temper with her taking so long. Her little sister threw her across the room once because they had waited forever, older sister was singing and dancing instead of getting changed. They were running late missing out on activities. Understand that these behaviors are a result of the abuse. It’s exhausting to deal with it.

You also have your own abuse you have to deal with. Basically it made me have some ADD symptoms. I have high anxiety as I don’t feel safe all the time.

Edited

I'm so sorry you went through all that. Noone should have to experience that. I know I can see signs of the effects of the abuse on them and I feel so guilty for being here. One of them idolises their dad so I also feel if I leave (with them!) they will hate me.

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Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 14:57

ThankGodForDancingFruit · 09/06/2024 10:25

I am so angry on your behalf. You are reaching out, and not getting the support you want and need.

Domestic abuse services should give you the option of how you wish to be contacted, including email or text (if these haven’t been compromised).

If you are struggling to stop him checking your messages etc, try going to the GP. Call the service there. Arrange a time and date for them to call you back, and arrange a GP appointment for that time. Stress this is what you are doing, and the importance of them calling then. Your GP can message you a text confirmation of your appointment.

This way you can talk freely in a safe space.

You feel dependent on him because he wants to make you feel this way, and you are bonded because you are walking on eggshells and your emotional wellbeing is tied up in how he treats you.

You are in survival mode, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with you and you don’t need to be ‘fixed’. The only way to address these feelings is to separate. You can’t heal when you are living daily with the very person who is causing the trauma.

You are so very strong - and you can be free.

Thank you. You sound very knowledgeable on all this. Wish who ever had picked up the phone was you.

It takes so much planning and emotional reasoning to ring these services. And with the good and bad cycles of the relationship by the time I get someone coning back to me he's having a good day so then I think I'm being crazy calling them!

He doesn't check my messages luckily but is at home 24/7 so I need a plan to be out of the house when they call. This DV place said they can't give a time for when they'll call :-(

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Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 16:08

SparkyManga · 09/06/2024 11:27

I left once and came back. Stupid. I used to lie in bed awake next to him dreaming and imaging ways of escaping. I used to silently pray for help.
I had a bag packed in my car for months. Hidden of course.
I had a spare key for my parents house. I left a bag there hidden in their spare room. My mum found it and told me I was stupid for staying and that if I had to have a bag left at hers I should just leave. I didn’t. Stupid again.
Then after he destroyed my phone for like the millionth time. And smashed up the flat. I got out the hidden pay as you go phone I had bought. He had stormed off for effect. I phoned my dad. It was midnight by then. I quickly packed up loads of my things. Woke my sleeping four year old (not his son) and started bundling him into my dad’s car. Idiot came back. He was all sweetness and charm in front of my parents. Saying it was all a misunderstanding.
I still cry that I put my son through that. He’s 17 now and I pray he doesn’t remember that time in our lives. It still shakes me.

my parents helped me report him to the police. He was told to stay away. He ended up breaking the police order and was sent to prison. He sent me controlling letters from prison. I wrote to the prison and got him banned from contacting me. He sent me another letter saying that he had been moved cells due to destroying his other cell. All my fault apparently. We he got out of prison he left a valentines card on my car. I went back to the police. They wanted me to press charges and to formally report the times he raped me to get him sent down again. I didn’t formally report him.
it’s been over 10 years since he’s ever tried to contact me. He still haunts my darkest days.
I’m With my DP for 10yrs now and wish I’d never got involved with idiot.
leave now. Don’t wait. You’ll never regret leaving. You’ll only regret how long you stayed.

Gosh well done for your parents for helping. I think about telling mine and feel so sad and ashamed. I don't want to put them through it all either. Everyone says lll regret staying so long :-(. So hard to finally leave.

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Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 16:13

CuppaTea23 · 09/06/2024 11:39

Thanks for posting this as I'm also finding the answers incredibly helpful. We had marriage therapy and the therapist told me it was abuse and to leave him. Madly we agreed to separate them he started behaving more like his old self, so I gave it another go. Then 18 months later it was such a daft incident that tipped me over - accusing me of a situation being my fault that was so blatantly ridiculous, I just couldn't believe he could even try to twist it to being my responsibility. We agreed to separate, and that he would move out, but now nearly 10 months later, he's still here and there are endless health issues meaning he couldn't possibly go. I might start my own thread to see what the wise folk of Mumsnet say, as something is stopping me making this happen, and I can't work out why. Having therapy, but it's a slow untangle of the codependency behaviour. I think I may need to accept that I leave as he won't. Good luck to you OP, I hope you escape soon.

Oh gosh this must have been a shock. Did they say they could no longer provide therapy as it's abusive? And this is what I am afraid of - he will be the perfect partner/dad when I say enough is enough. It's so hard on the brain isn't it, all these games. I'm going to write a list of the worst things he's done that I can read when I feel like going back. From what I've read they can not change so any hope is pointless :-( but I think we all like to see the best in people and cant help.hoping.

I hope you escape again soon too.

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Aintnosupermum · 09/06/2024 17:33

@Whereisthemoney You need to get some therapy because your child idolizing their parent is part of that parents manipulation of the child. I would get that child into trauma therapy asap and ask the school for help. The idolization is the first step to alienating the child from the other parent. It also leaves the child very exposed to others who wish to groom.

Roaminginthegloaming · 09/06/2024 18:14

@Whereisthemoney - there is a free online programme to help with the issues of physical and emotional domestic abuse:

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Please check it out (and clear your cookies/history!)

LividPink · 09/06/2024 21:31

@Whereisthemoney i did start a list of his bullshit on my phone in a locked Note.

The little insidious things that you blank out after a while really add up, and they were escalating hugely.

It really helped me to read the list every time I wavered about leaving him.

It’s been over a year now, and we’re navigating coparenting which means I’ll never really be shut of him, but by god it’s so much better not being married to him and being able to close the door on him.

I don’t think I could read the list now. It’s on my phone still, but would be too upsetting. I don’t have to live with it any more.

The final straws are too awful to write about on here, though I have done under other usernames.

I promise you, as do all the women who walk before you, that you will only regret not doing it sooner.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 09/06/2024 21:54

Whereisthemoney · 08/06/2024 13:55

I would love to do this but think it would be upsetting for the kids. Did you have children when you did it?

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It’s very upsetting for the children now. They are learning a very toxic relationship model.
Separating is upsetting in the short term and then it settles down to a different normality. It has its stresses too, but not relentless.

Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 21:54

Roaminginthegloaming · 09/06/2024 18:14

@Whereisthemoney - there is a free online programme to help with the issues of physical and emotional domestic abuse:

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Please check it out (and clear your cookies/history!)

Edited

Thank you. I had heard of this before but I think when I looked into it I realised I couldn't do it as he's always around :-(.

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Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 21:57

Aintnosupermum · 09/06/2024 17:33

@Whereisthemoney You need to get some therapy because your child idolizing their parent is part of that parents manipulation of the child. I would get that child into trauma therapy asap and ask the school for help. The idolization is the first step to alienating the child from the other parent. It also leaves the child very exposed to others who wish to groom.

Is it through the school they can get trauma therapy? I really do think my DS needs some. What he has been brought up seeing is not normal. I worry as much DP puts me down so much in front of him. I can really see in the future he will turn my DS against me and he will choose to go and live with him. 😭😭😭 I think this is one of the things that is really putting me off leaving as I can literally see this happening.

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Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 22:05

LividPink · 09/06/2024 21:31

@Whereisthemoney i did start a list of his bullshit on my phone in a locked Note.

The little insidious things that you blank out after a while really add up, and they were escalating hugely.

It really helped me to read the list every time I wavered about leaving him.

It’s been over a year now, and we’re navigating coparenting which means I’ll never really be shut of him, but by god it’s so much better not being married to him and being able to close the door on him.

I don’t think I could read the list now. It’s on my phone still, but would be too upsetting. I don’t have to live with it any more.

The final straws are too awful to write about on here, though I have done under other usernames.

I promise you, as do all the women who walk before you, that you will only regret not doing it sooner.

Oh gosh yes. I know what you mean about all the little things. Its so clever how they play us. Like I would remember he had been unreasonable and upset me but I couldn't remember how or why. And once you're bad in the good phase my brain seemed to wipe all the bad stuff. So I couldn't add up all the little things happening. Once I started to write it down I was so shocked at everything! I always think if this was a friend what would I say.

That's interesting you say it's better now, I've heard alot say that. Was it really bad in the beginning though? All I can think of is it's bad with him and he'll be awful when I leave too so either way it's bad. He is such a difficult person. He will make everything hard. I worry about if for example say I wanted to change a weekend as it's my birthday or something he will say no out of spite. And I just can't imagine being without my DCs and I think they will be upset too as I am the one who does everything for them, knows all their little ways and he spends minimal time with them and has no patience etc.

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Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 22:06

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 09/06/2024 21:54

It’s very upsetting for the children now. They are learning a very toxic relationship model.
Separating is upsetting in the short term and then it settles down to a different normality. It has its stresses too, but not relentless.

Show quote history

I know and I keep saying this in my head. I don't want my dc's to carry on this type of relationships. It needs to end here.

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morbidd · 09/06/2024 22:15

When I met them outside their workplace with some library books of theirs they needed returning. It started to rain and I was berated for not bringing a plastic bag to put them in (even though they were in a backpack). I was then actually blamed for the rain itself would you believe.

When I got upset about this, I was then called pathetic and ridiculed for it. That night I barely slept, looking at flats to rent and house shares.

I went into work the next day, my manager could see I was upset. I let it all out. All he had to do was ask me four magic words: "what do you want?"

I realised then, I hadn't been living for myself but my abusive ex. I couldn't even answer the question. That moment I realised, this had to end and so I did.

I so so wished I'd had done it sooner. So please leave OP.

Adawnflit · 09/06/2024 22:15

A few months of planning. Got a new job, going for interviews was difficult as I was looking at 200-300 miles away. Couldn’t tell anyone I was going but managed to get one reference from a professional who guaranteed confidentiality and another from a relative ( yeah, not a great thing to do but he was turning more threatening by the day, I seriously believed he could kill me) Day I left I had a van arriving, he’d taken to disappearing for days at a time so I knew he wouldn’t be back early morning. Said to van man I know we’re going to X but if any neighbour asks you we’re going to Y. He’d obviously seen this before as he says we’re not going to have trouble here today are we Madam? Not if we’re quick. Never seen 2 men move so fast. That van was loaded and gone in half an hour. My furniture was literally thrown in I think. My stress levels were through the roof until long after I’d driven away.
I’d rented a house, it was freezing cold, mid winter in Cumbria but soooo peaceful. And safe.
No children involved and I was lucky I had savings to get me out and a job to go to. He never found me.

MissMarvelMum · 09/06/2024 22:29

My ‘get out moment’ was when we had a big arguement about me going for dinner with his sister. Our kids were 3 and 1 and going to bed with them that night I promised them that we would get away one day. I didnt want them to grow up and think that was normal, to treat people how he treated me, or to accept to be treated how I was. I spoke to my gp, my housing officer and made a plan to leave the following Monday. But he went out on the Sunday and I grabbed a carrier bag of clothes and the sky card and called a cab to my mums. He genuinely text me saying ‘ I take it your coming back cause you left the light on’ then another saying ‘WHERE THE FUCK IS THE SKY CARD?!’ Never went back. He was horrible through out our relationship and had made threats if I left him he would slit the boys throat then mine. Or he would crash the car with us all in it. He was a complete bastard, emotional, financial and sexual abuse. This was all 7 years ago I left, and last year I got a call from the police as he was also similarly abusive to his latest ex who is pressing charges. Leaving him is the best thing I have done for my kids. Men like that don’t change. My kids only know love and joy and are such confident brilliant wee boys. I also will never have another man around them. They are close with their uncles and aunties and their dads older son but no contact whatsoever with dad. He’s put me off relationships. I’m much happier just with me and the boys!

Itsbaloney · 09/06/2024 22:53

I decided it was over when I was lying in bed after an operation listening to him calling me a ‘witch’ and a ‘cretin’ over the phone because I’d said I was upset he had refused to get me some food from the supermarket. It was my third attempt at leaving him (despite physical violence) and I stuck to it. It took me a lot of therapy to get over it and get back to my old self. I’ve met someone lovely now and am happy.

chelsea912 · 09/06/2024 22:55

I left mine when our couples therapist we'd been going to for months took me aside and told me how he was a narc (he couldn't diagnose it but basically said he had all the traits) and how he was awful to me, abusive and that he urged me to get out.

Before that clearly I had major concerns seeing as we were in counselling - which was my exes final attempt to win me back after so many awful things he'd done to me. But it backfired on him as it actually helped me leave!

I then took 2 weeks planning my exit and thought about what the therapist said. In that time I really opened my eyes to what my ex was doing and how awful it was. The tantrums he would throw over not getting his way or the silent treatment and anger over minor things. He ruined so many trips out, and was just nasty everywhere we went to everyone. He never helped with our child and was nasty to my other kids, hardly a step dad.

I left a month ago and he just accepted it straight away and jumped straight back onto dating apps. He's clearly already found some new supplies because he completely leaves me alone.

I think it's so hard to leave and no one can tell you to go even if you're miserable. My main thing would be to plan for it. Sort some finances, sort as much out as possible so that if at some point you just have to go, you can go.

Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 23:05

Aintnosupermum · 09/06/2024 17:33

@Whereisthemoney You need to get some therapy because your child idolizing their parent is part of that parents manipulation of the child. I would get that child into trauma therapy asap and ask the school for help. The idolization is the first step to alienating the child from the other parent. It also leaves the child very exposed to others who wish to groom.

Also what do you say to the child about who they are talking to and why?

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Original poster

Whereisthemoney · 09/06/2024 23:07

Itsbaloney · 09/06/2024 22:53

I decided it was over when I was lying in bed after an operation listening to him calling me a ‘witch’ and a ‘cretin’ over the phone because I’d said I was upset he had refused to get me some food from the supermarket. It was my third attempt at leaving him (despite physical violence) and I stuck to it. It took me a lot of therapy to get over it and get back to my old self. I’ve met someone lovely now and am happy.

I'm so sorry for this. It's always at the times you need them they are at their worst :-(. I don't ask him to do anything for me now as he'll just turn it back on me and make me feel guilty or moan constantly about whatever I've asked him to do

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Scrumbleton · 09/06/2024 23:13

The day he sent photos to family and friends of a blood stained hanky saying i'd punched him twice on the nose ( I hadn't touched him - he had had a nose bleed). My friends realised he was delusional and worried about my safety they came over while I packed a bag and DD and I left. I genuinely believe if I'd stayed there would have been a whole family murder suicide situation. His narcissistic personality couldn't deal with the fact that our marriage was at its end

Aintnosupermum · 09/06/2024 23:35

@Whereisthemoney School can’t provide therapy but they can alert social services and some areas have various groups like the Catholic Church who provide mental health services that they can refer you to.

women’s aid is hit and miss. Call back until you get someone good. You need to keep collecting evidence of his behavior towards you and separately, his behavior towards the children. This will matter when you get to court. Legal aid can someone help because these guys will run you dry. Legal aid is better than nothing when your ex husband is taking you back to court again and again.

Be careful with journals. The ex husband has the kids writing journals at his house obviously trying to collect evidence.

When my children were starting therapy I told them they were seeing someone who can support them as they adjust to going between two homes. I kept it vague and let the therapist do the explaining.

HiFillyJonk · 09/06/2024 23:38

When he turned the water off at the mains to stop me showering because he didn't want me to go out to meet a female friend for lunch.