Describe the moment you left your narcissistic emotionally abusive partner

[Whereisthemoney]

Like how did it happen?

Was it months/years of planning and you left silently.

Or was it during an argument you just said that was it.

How did you say it?

Gosh all these awful stories about what you’ve all been through. I’ve just recently split from someone as I suspected he had abusive tendencies also but I still let that go on for a year! I never regret leaving my abusive ex but it seems I haven’t healed enough to find a nice partner.
Im sure they exist but I can’t seem to spot the warning signs as early as some women.
If I had, this latest one wouldn’t have lasted 3 months (which is usually around the time they start showing their true colours!)

So sorry if this has been mentioned already.

How would you feel about talking to someone at your DS school? Most domestic abuse services work with schools. Stay after you drop him off?

Gosh well done for your parents for helping. I think about telling mine and feel so sad and ashamed. I don't want to put them through it all either. Everyone says lll regret staying so long :-(. So hard to finally leave.

Do tell your parents. They've probably noticed, and will be relieved.

OP, definitely write down all the examples. SIL is nearly 3 years down th eline and never did this and continues to get sucked back into his rubbish. Sometimes I will say something about a previous event with him and she'll say, "oh, I'd completely forgotten that." She literally seems to have blocked out all the bad stuff which just allows him to continue to abuse her and their DC.

One day during one blazing row after I refused yet again to let him get a loan against our house so he could buy a new car as he had trashed his being stupid and reckless, he threw the laundry basket at me almost hitting one of the cats and I just thought "I've had enough, hurt me by all means but harm the cat and I'll harm you". I literally spat out "how fucking dare you".

He stormed off to his room (he had moved into the spare room as my punishment for me refusing the loan and not getting pregnant). He ranted at me, accused me of having an affair because I had found my voice. Then when I refused to play his silly game of telling a friend I couldn't be friends with him like I was a naughty child he shouted "I want a divorce" I said "fine let's do it" and walked off.

He made my life hell after that, twisting things, telling my parents I was having an affair, locking me out, threatening to destroy me and anyone I was friends with, he paraded the girls he was trying to get with, brought them to our home knowing I was there, told me I should move out and that he's getting what he deserved when the house was sold.

He then changed jobs to a minimum wage job cutting the household income by about 20k because in his words he had supported the house long enough it was my turn to pay and if we lost the house it would be my fault.

I'm glad I refused the loan as otherwise we would have walked away with 30k less meaning I would not have got enough to start again.

The day I left that house was the start of my new life, a life he couldn't mess with. One where no man will hit, belittle or intimidate me ever again.

He still believes he did nothing wrong and still blames me for his behaviour as I "didn't know when to stop or walk away" or do as I was told.

I do think this is the bottom line, people like this will do whatever they think they can get away with.

Thank you for this. Yes was just wondering if they advise about any services. We have already been through mash but he wouldn't engage so it was dropped.

I'm in contact with a solicitor and they are so expensive. I tried to get help with one but they said I had to have social services involved. My DP went crazy when mash got involved so worried about going down that route again.

Yes I need to do this. I have nearly after some incidents. Its just everytime I get up the guts to we start a good phase and I feel like I'm silly and causing alot of fuss about nothing. He tells me it's just normal family life and I start questioning myself. School were involved through mash but it all got dropped but he knew about it obviously and he went crazy.

I just worry as they are so elderly and have been through so much. It will upset them so much. They know he's a difficult man, they've been around long enough and know enough about some things he's done to know that. They just don't know the full extent of it.

It's crazy isn't it how our brains work. I had to start writing it down as I thought I was going crazy. You get to the good phases and you forget all the rest.

It's the not believing he's wrong and blaming it on you. He's blamed all our problems on me. The reason he has to be the way he is, is because of me.

I'm really not looking forward to the initial part after leaving. It's going through be hell. He will make my life hell. I don't know how I'll do it.

I think a significant proportion of men will turn bad like this if they have the opportunity. If they are with partners who are young, naive, do not have the ability to see through them or stand up to them. Predatory instincts are triggered when the other person is weaker or vulnerable.
I think that the instinct or impulse to defer, placate and appease the aggressor is also often triggered when the other person has a lot more power and is able to dominate. I think this is largely and usually outside the conscious control of the victim.

I was having a bath as in the morning I had a procedure booked at the hospital. My ex husband came in to the bathroom with my pager (remember them? pre cell phones lol) as my office were messenging me to take it easy and my work load was under control. My ex said... you getting all fresh in that tub so you can go for one last fuck before you have your girl parts cut out (like wtaf??) I stood up for myself for once and got hit hard. He then said how sorry he was and that he would go to his mothers for the night. I was starting to feel sorry for him, until he was walking out the door and turned and said to me " if you and my daughter are not here when I come back in the morning to take you to hospital appt..there will be hell to pay. " We were NOT. I ran. took that daughter and went to a womens shelter, amazing women watched my 8 year old daughter next day while I had my operation, and amazing nurses banned him from the hospital. Never have I seen him since. Thank god. My daughter was not so lucky. He threw a knife at her for looking too much like me when she was 12. She ran. I picked her up at the police station and he has not seen her since. Nor her children or husband. My now husband adopted her after courts took away the idiots parental rights. She calls my husband Dad and her kids know that he is their papa.

But it's not like we're letting them get away with it and if we said don't do that they'd stop. They don't care about other people's feelings or their actions. Complete lack of empathy.

I'm so glad you've got your happy ending. It gives me hope that maybe one day I will get mine. Your poor daughter, so glad she was ok.

you will get yours! have faith in yourself. Our daughter is the most amazing woman now. She loves her dad (not step as he adopted her) more than me I believe lol. Her kids are 15 and 14 now and they just learnt this past year by accident that papa is not mommy's birth dad. They just said she was lucky as he chose to be "stuck" with her lol.

Arrr thank you. I really hope so.

You do it because you're stronger than you think. He told me I wouldn't be anything without him, that I wouldn't cope, even told my parents to take my money from the house sale because I couldn't be trusted and would waste it all (oh how that made them chuckle, I'm the one that owns her own home whilst he wasted his on partying, drugs and showing off).

I may not have the big house with the lovely garden that I had lovingly cultivated to just how I wanted it but I have my own home and am happy. I no longer feel scared to go home, or scared to talk, when I go to see our friends I can now actually talk instead of sitting there in silence whilst he bragged and boasted.

It's worth it though. You can do it! And when you do you will realise you deserve so much better.

Aah that sounds amazing having your own house. A peaceful relaxing space :-).

Just be aware that the courts look for absolute evidence of harm to the children and it’s extremely rare for them to remove parental rights. The courts will look to have the children with their father at least every other weekend and more time during the school holidays.

The starting point is 50% time, so every other week or a configuration of this. You need overwhelming evidence so start collecting it now. If your child is going to speak up, here in the US the child needs to have their own lawyer and the opposition legal team will cross examine which is very stressful for the child. It’s not something I would put my children through.

Check with women’s aid what free legal help is available. Here in the U.S. they have a few different services provided by the state, domestic violence charities and generous lawyers who provide pro bono work.

I wouldn't look to remove parental rights as I believe they should still see their dad. The main reason I started gathering evidence was because he said if I leave he will keep the kids, as it would be my choice to leave. And there is no way on this earth I would ever let that happen so if he wants a battle once it's all done I have lists of all the things he's said and done to bring to court.

She had become increasingly abusive over the the year, initially emotionally and then eventually physically. I was in a very bad place, no self esteem, walking on egg shells, constantly bending to her will. I had become increasingly isolated from various friendship groups. We found ourselves at birthday party in London where I randomly bumped into some of my old house mates from uni and had a lovely catch up. She hated me talking to others for long and ended up in a foul mood and wanted to leave early. I followed her out the door doing my usual apologising routine and she stormed off ahead to the tube station blanking me. Finally got the station platform and she hopped on the train and I just stayed on the platform, listened to the doors beeping and then close and just watched her dissappear off with the train. Not sure what made me pause, I think meeting my old friends who were just so nice to me and me remembering what it was like to laugh and have fun made me realise how shit my situation was. I just returned to the bar to my old uni mates and just unloaded on them as to what my relationship had become. One of them had a spare room and offered it to me there and then and I gathered my stuff the next day and moved out. Never felt such relief.

empathy goes outta the window once they have power over you, as per the old adage- power corrupts

Gosh yes. It's spending time with my family that does it for me. Seeing normal couples and how they interact. When you're in your own bubble you begin to believe this is your normal...not every couple is the same etc etc. Bet that was a great feeling watching the doors shut!!!

Look up the ‘Cycle of Abuse’. Perpetrators are perpetrators 100% of the time, even if they do not show abusive behaviour all of the time, this doesn’t mean they are not being abusive.

By switching it on and off and keeping you on your toes, they control their victim.

The Honeymood period never lasts. And it gets shorter and shorter. And you can’t enjoy it, because you know what’s coming next.

Children don’t have to witness incidents to be aware of the abuse… to recognise a ‘look’, a tone of voice, tension in the body, tension in the room.

All of those who have shared their stories are absolutely amazing. They have taken a leap into the great unknown, which is terrifying. I hope their stories show you that there is hope and a future without him.