Would you want to seperate around teens exams?

[tartancladpjs]

In essence my marriage is dead, I'm almost 50 DH is 54 and it's run its course. We haven't had sex in years, I don't find him physically or mentally attractive and I'm sick to death of picking up the slack and having to mange him like a child.

He sleeps in a different room but he says nothing, he's a total peacekeeper he won't have conversation deeper than "have you fed the dogs" he's alway been surface level to a point, but now that's all we have is a friendship and joint assets, we socialise have friend have a nice life but it's not a happy loving life, it's a "this will do" life.

I'd like my next years of my life to be just me, freedom and space and a future without burdens and having to care and manage him. We get on we rub along we could have a future as friends.

M question is when do I make the break, my youngest will be doing a levels next year, I think I should maybe wait for them to be done and him settled in uni or travelling etc?

Would you wait another year? Or should I pull the plug now? Or am I throwing away "nice" for no reason?

Anyone who's been here advice would be great. There is no one else involved I don't even have my eye on anyone, to be honest my focus has just change to look after me first.

I feel like I've given him my 20s, 30s and 40s and I really don't want to give him my 50s and beyond to waste.

Besides I would like sex before I die!

Honestly? Do it now. There will never be a good time. First it will be A-levels, then first year at Uni, then something else.

You have one life, don't keep putting off. It sounds like your husband will be happy drifting along so it's on you.

From bitter experience, it's rough whenever you do it so rip the bandaid off and get on enjoying your one life.

I’d wait for her to finish A levels and be out of the house at uni or travelling if I’m honest. Even a house move is very stressful for DC - it nearly broke DD whilst doing her A levels (unavoidable for us though due to an abusive ex-H who we were both escaping)

Let the poor kid finish her A-levels for pity’s sake.

Don't assume that it won't have such a negative impact on your child if you wait till he/she is at university.

I worked in student support at a university and it was a classic situation for a student to return after Christmas and be very thrown/ upset because their parents were separating/divorcing. Students can be pretty vulnerable in their first year and it was fairly standard that it would happen to two out of about 30-40 students in an intake. Maybe it was very cynical of me but I used to look at the new Freshers each year and wonder who it would be.

I would say, it needs to either be now or after A levels though

You know your child. You have some idea of how upset they might be or how much they will take it in their stride.

Would they be better knowing now and being able to work it through with both parents while they are still at home or would they manage it better once they have had a term or two away at university. I'd say, if you do wait, it would be better to wait till they have a year at uni under their belt rather than just a term.

Strongly agree with @EducatingArti . My DS has had a hard first year of uni, a divorce now would be harder on him than during A levels.

@stressedespresso as there is no abuse it's not an urgency to leave but I have been mulling for a few years and I think changing decade is a bit of a wake up call that my 40s have been wasted and I don't want another decade+ of this.

The lack of attractiveness and sex are linked to sex pest past behaviour and stacked resentment over household and career goals. He's sat back and let me be the driving force for years and years, and be the main parent. And frankly that doesn't make me attracted to him.

So I feel just meh about him as a human, he has a sweet nature and is so passive so I don't see major drama.

Just lots of sulking and blaming, I asked him to leave once after a row, and his reply wasn't i don't have anywhere to go, like he'd literally sit and wait for me to book the bloody hotel.

With no urgency (and it sounds like you’ve been mulling this over for a very long while) I think you’d be doing your DD a massive disservice in not waiting until a more suitable, less disruptive time. Sorry OP

It's tricky OP. Of course you deserve a life too but I would say that no time in the next couple of years is ideal - A levels and first year at uni can be a stressful and challenging time for lots of teens. I say either do it NOW or be prepared to hang in for another couple of years.

I'd wait for her to finish A levels. First year at uni, she'll have more independence and presumably a space of her own in her uni city if she's not going to a local one. She needs the stability just for that last stretch.

You are all right it's so tricky.

I do suspect both of my DS wouldn't be too surprised, they are smart and funny and see the dynamic.

I'm not thinking for selfish, I need sex reasons it's more about knowing that I don't want to grow old with him in my life.

Something recently made me wake up when there was a lottery story and he started saying " what would you do with the money?" and I had to make up stuff on the spot as in my head i was thinking that would be freedom for me.

I know my vows and they are important to me, my parents and his are still married and stuck through good and bad times, but I just don't think I can do the old man version of him.

He's already driving me utterly spare with his memory, hearing, aches and pains and I still feel young. The lack of wanting to travel and explore and the pottering has set in already.

It's draining the life from me.

We spend time apart, I travel with friends, I have a lovely mum who I travel with and spend time with but I literally feel like I just manage a house and diary with him.

If you think you can leave without too much visible acrimony I'd go now, the dust will settle by Christmas, leaving a good run up to A levels.

As pp have said there's never a good time. I went to uni with someone who was devastated when her parents split up as soon as she went to uni - she realised they had been putting on an act to get her to that point and felt betrayed. I'd do it now so you can support your kids through it without it being the most critical time.

Now. Disclaimer: I don't have older teens, mine are younger still.

Your children will benefit from you living your life authentically. People who ask for advice with younger children always get told they are modelling unhealthy relationships. One person gives and the other takes. This seems to be the case here. This living situation seems to be demonstrating that your dh needs come first and yours second. Needless to say, you also deserve a life without serving him. You shouldn't also have to live with the ghosts of sex pest behaviour.

Things will always come up. Uni can be tricky, poor health etc etc. There'll always be a reason not to go for it and life will have wizzed by.

I'd do it now. You have no idea how she will cope with starting university and making big changes at home might not help.

Not quite the same and I had no control over timings but I had to tell DS I had stage 4 cancer a couple of months before he went to university. I was really glad that he still decided to go and didn't put his life on hold but he did have a shaky start at university for other reasons and it seems that's not uncommon so if this happens to your daughter at a time when home life is disrupted it will be super hard for her.

I hope you are ok? I can see how that must be such a hard decision.

Not that it matters at all but I have two DS not a DD. I'd hate for everyone to think I've somehow swooped the sex over half way thought the thread!

Do it now OP. My parents did it the first Christmas I came home from university. I wished they'd done it sooner as it was obvious they didn't want to be together. I suspect your DS are feeling the same. It was a massive relief that they'd finally done it! It doesn't have to be the doom and gloom news that other posters think it is.

Your DS will probably ask you why you waited so long.

I did it 6 months before GCSEs and A levels. Was fine. And a much better atmosphere when he left

Look despite what others are saying it’s not the divorce that is the most harmful it is how it is handled

The potential for pain will be in how your dh reacts to your request- will the boys see his sadness and despair? That will hurt them

If you both put a robust front on and sit them down together and explain things amicably then they’ll be sad but understanding, keep life safe, steady and predictable for them after it and you’ll all be fine

My DH is a poor me kind of personality, I prepared to be the villain in the split and I think my boys know this about him as well. They are emotionally mature and pretty understanding.

I think it would be a united front in my head but I suspect DH will backstab and blame me and my hormones or something ridiculous. Whatever it takes so he can be the victim, but I see that coming a mile off.

It's a real mixed bag of now or 2 years.

Do it now. Chances are she has noticed things are not amazing. We split when son was at end of year 10 so about to start final GCSE year - no impact. Especially if you get on.

There will never be a good time but otherwise you will have to wait 2 more years. Damage will most likely be minimal now.

Thanks but a terminal illness kind of makes you be really not ok!

Sorry I misgendered your children (and missed that you have 2!) So how old is DS1 and are they at university or living at home?

@TwigTheWonderKid DS1 bugger sorry.

DS1 lives at home he's at uni but it's local, I'm not so worried about him as he's very much past exams and is rarely home as it is, he's also pretty robust and soon to be traveling.

Go now OP. You could be diagnosed with cancer or another illness anytime and you need to live your life while you can. Your DC will have time to adjust over the Summer.