Would you want to seperate around teens exams?

[tartancladpjs]

In essence my marriage is dead, I'm almost 50 DH is 54 and it's run its course. We haven't had sex in years, I don't find him physically or mentally attractive and I'm sick to death of picking up the slack and having to mange him like a child.

He sleeps in a different room but he says nothing, he's a total peacekeeper he won't have conversation deeper than "have you fed the dogs" he's alway been surface level to a point, but now that's all we have is a friendship and joint assets, we socialise have friend have a nice life but it's not a happy loving life, it's a "this will do" life.

I'd like my next years of my life to be just me, freedom and space and a future without burdens and having to care and manage him. We get on we rub along we could have a future as friends.

M question is when do I make the break, my youngest will be doing a levels next year, I think I should maybe wait for them to be done and him settled in uni or travelling etc?

Would you wait another year? Or should I pull the plug now? Or am I throwing away "nice" for no reason?

Anyone who's been here advice would be great. There is no one else involved I don't even have my eye on anyone, to be honest my focus has just change to look after me first.

I feel like I've given him my 20s, 30s and 40s and I really don't want to give him my 50s and beyond to waste.

Besides I would like sex before I die!

I'd wait till after the A Levels - you've stayed this long so you might as well wait until your youngest is through his exams. A Levels are bloody hard and stressful and I would want everything to be calm and easy at home. Start planning now for when you start your new life, you've got time to really think about it and decide what you want to do. It sounds like you're largely living separate lives anyway.

Hello - fellow sticking-it-outer here! I have 1 doing A levels rn, and 1 doing GCSEs next year. I thought i'd definitely do it after A'levels (the end of this month!) because i couldn't bear the thought of our 25th wedding anniversary rolling round in september and still being with him. But my middle child has GCSEs next year and i'm now wondering whether i should wait until he's done with those - is it fair to be disruptive? We rub along fine, but i have the same issues with extreme passivity, lack of sex/separate bedrooms and his preference to stick his head in the sand (or keep his head down and mow the lawn as you say!!). It's very much a "this'll do" situation. Is that really enough. It makes me so sad to think I might never have sex again - but i haven't had sex for 9 years, so i'm no worse off on that front...

I split from my husband when my son was in his first year of A levels and my daughter at Uni. Although hard, I think it would have been worse if he was at Uni. It gave us all time to come to terms with the changes.

I was 49 years old. I moved out, to a flat around the corner from the family home,and my husband brought me out. With both children over 18, and my husband being a high earner, I could not afford to remain there.

Two years later, I have my own flat and we have all adjusted. I am dating and love my new life. There is never an easy time, but the children always knew they were loved.

Wishing you all the best with this difficult decision.

@mustardseedandmoonshire hello!

What do you think they are really thinking though?

I just can't understand the head down "it will be fine" attitude. We are talking about men here whose lives revolved around sex for years, are they really just happy to potter forever?

He's just come home walked in the door and headed straight out to the garden, muttered about tea but I'm off out. We really are just like housemates.

Zero affection, no talking even just "who's pick up" "where is child 1" "have I fed the animals"

That's it.. i could live with a Lodger and have that!

I’d say it’s better now than the first year of Uni. If you do it soon it’s a good year until the exams. Don’t waste anymore time

Also, it's really obvious that you've waited and who wants to think their parents have stayed unhappy for them.

Do it after A level exams, but before starting uni. I think a lot of parents think it's a great time to split when the child is in their first year at uni, thinking they'll be distracted and having fun, but I feel that most teens really need a secure home base during that time. It's all new for them with added challenges or issues, and the last they want is wondering what on earth is going on at home. At the least, try to make sure that their main house remains the same even if one of you moves out.

I think do it now. You know your child , would they cope ? It might not be too stressful, could you stay in the house so less disruptive?
I know someone who did it this year - she's poorer but MUCH happier.
50/50 as kids still young.

same here. i have said to him a couple of times that we are housemates, but he doesn't react to it at all. We amicably "do diaries" and liaise on family logistics. That's it. And i think that he absolutely would just potter along. If there's any change to happen, it'll have to be me that drives it. I have got to the point where i don't even want affection from him, he has become so unattractive in my eyes - altho he is an objectively good looking man . What a mess :(

Rent a small property for 6 months, leave him there. Co parent boys and animals but uncouple yourself from him

I feel I'm doing that without the cost of a rental, no affection, no co-sleeping, no talking etc.

But could moving out be the first step in being separated from him?
It doesn't like it will turn nasty between you, he's being a total ostrich and not facing the obvious..

Your situation will be me in about 5 years

Thank you to everyone who's posted I've been thinking for years but this really helps solidify my thoughts.

I'm going to follow the majority here, I think see if this is even remotely fixable and talk to him about my plans. (Our plans) see what his reaction is like.

And plan separation after uni year one separation, it seems enough time to plan, enough time to get finances sorted and time for DS2 to settle and DS1 should be working by then. .

Tricky for me to move out as I'm the WFH parent with a zillion animals, so it would have to be him, if temporary.

@mustardseedandmoonshire does it just make you wonder with these attractive men what needs to happen to make them wake up?

That's the issue if I see an attractive guy on the online apps I'll know his type which is:

"can't be arsed, takes wife for granted, gets booted out type"

The apps must be full of them!