Would you want to seperate around teens exams?

[tartancladpjs]

In essence my marriage is dead, I'm almost 50 DH is 54 and it's run its course. We haven't had sex in years, I don't find him physically or mentally attractive and I'm sick to death of picking up the slack and having to mange him like a child.

He sleeps in a different room but he says nothing, he's a total peacekeeper he won't have conversation deeper than "have you fed the dogs" he's alway been surface level to a point, but now that's all we have is a friendship and joint assets, we socialise have friend have a nice life but it's not a happy loving life, it's a "this will do" life.

I'd like my next years of my life to be just me, freedom and space and a future without burdens and having to care and manage him. We get on we rub along we could have a future as friends.

M question is when do I make the break, my youngest will be doing a levels next year, I think I should maybe wait for them to be done and him settled in uni or travelling etc?

Would you wait another year? Or should I pull the plug now? Or am I throwing away "nice" for no reason?

Anyone who's been here advice would be great. There is no one else involved I don't even have my eye on anyone, to be honest my focus has just change to look after me first.

I feel like I've given him my 20s, 30s and 40s and I really don't want to give him my 50s and beyond to waste.

Besides I would like sex before I die!

I don't agree with that (re women finding a shag at any age). And even if it's possible to find SOMEone... why do people end up married to a guy they don't really fancy in the first place?I think good sex partners are really hard to find for most people largely because most people aren't hot, esp as time goes on. So many bald men :-/ (sorry men actually some women love this).

Again I don't mean this as "so stay with a dud!". I just mean make your decision based on yourself with no one else in mind.

There's a reason women over 50 complain about feeling invisible.

No it's not true for me currently but i know how elusive a sexy and available man is and I'm realistic about the future.

Also all my friends are women in their 40s and 50s. You gotta face reality we are not Salma Hayek.

Well her op doesn’t read like she’s wanting to be swept off her feet by another middle aged guy. She talks about an independent life and she is very unhappy at the moment. Maybe she can get a FWB if she wants one but it really doesn’t sound like she is basing leaving around meeting Prince Charming. Also if she wants a one night stand just to have sex again, she will hands down be able to find one because there are loads of guys who will shag literally any woman, 50+ or not.

Go now.

If it's one year to a levels I would be looking to split either now or after the exams, though it depends if you will need to sell immediately, we did split before a levels but didn't sell until after university finished

I don't agree with that (re women finding a shag at any age).

You would be wrong. Sex alone is very easy for women to find. A 55 year old woman wanting nothing but sex is very unlikely to struggle.

Fantastic sex or a fabulous relationship might be harder but as OP isn't getting either of those things now, and doesn't seem to be motivated at all by looking for James Bond or Prince Charming once she's single, the points are rather moot.

I am divorced and have a child doing A-levels next year.
In your case - i would just stick it out until after exams. I can see the stress building up - thinking about UCAS and starting to write personal statements in the summer.
Going to look at Unis…

No matter how amicable your divorce will be - it will be a distraction. And your H will cause drama. Your son does not need it.
As you said - he will not be surprised when it actually happens. So its not an issue to do it after both kids finish school.

For your sanity - I’d keep doing more of your own thing. Build up more of a support network. Prepare all you can for divorce.

And i’d low key date - in whichever form you might be comfortable doing it - i know this is will generate pearl clasping gasps….

But this marriage is over - both of you know it. It‘s only a technicality and matter of time anyway…

I think you can’t really control how your kids will feel about your DH (H) being left. Maybe they’ll just feel really sorry for him?

you can probably show them that you are fine and upbeat and bouyant and that will help them.

But don’t be surprised if you can manage everyone’s reactions. That’s real life

GOOD LUCK

And to add, my dd said to me, why didn't you split up years ago! If you can amicably split then it's not too disruptive basically, whereas if it's a bit adversarial case quite different

I'd also give you hope, 5 years on blissfully happy and marrying imminently

OLD really wasn't hideous for me, I enjoyed it. This was 2018 though, I get the sense it has changed a bit. I've not been on OLD since 2019, when I met my DP "on the apps" at 57 (he was 50).

But my point was that finding sex and/or a new relationship was by no means my driving force in ending my marriage, just like it's not for the OP. There's far more to life than sex, God knows!

Do it.
Well done for getting financially prepared.
It's clear from your posting that you are done.

I was going to post a reply I'm not that bad 🤣

Really interesting, I'm not desperate for a shag!

I just pointed out that I haven't had sex with DH to paint the scene I had some awful surgery that started the zero sex issue it was an easy excuse to back out, so for me jumping back in would have to be with a really considerate partner not just a shag fest. (I'd be so nervous!)

Not sure it all even works!

But thanks for the now vs later takes, it's making me think about the house where I would live and we have pets that would need considering.

It's making me feel excited for the future even alone, I'm really lucky I grew up with a tiny family so have a lovely network of friends across the world, and locally.

With your children grown you could take a sabbatical and go all Eat, Pray, Love and take 6 months travelling to 'find' yourself and set yourself up anywhere.

I'd vote to do it now, life is too short, you have no idea what is round the corner health wise for either you or him. Pull the trigger now. Your children will have the summer to come to terms with the idea without school or uni. You are in a good position financially so book that solicitor appointment and start the ball rolling.

I think after A Levels, as in June/July 2025. Yes, uni can be disrupted but 1) you only need to pass it and 2) uni is such a curve in other ways and there’s so much predictability. They need to build resilience. Do it then.

God whatever you do - do not low key date as advised by a pp!

What a way to stir the hornets nest for your whole family

And it’s ridiculous how your thread has been derailed by an over 50s sex debate!

@Quitelikeit ha I don't mind it's amusing to read how doomed over 50s sex is.

I'm pretty sure I'd be a great catch, all 49 years of me. But I'm fully aware that I'm really not interested in baggage and step kids, I've done my toddler and teen years so the reality of dating similar aged men isn't appealing to me.

I just want my brain space to be mine, to not have to coax an adult to tidy, cook, clean, sort and do adult things. To not have to arrange everything, socials holidays, parents, childcare.

The burden he puts on me was so apparently after a recent work trip that I posted about, I had a sense of utter freedom for a week. Not having to deal with him and then came back to instant mental load that dragged me down.

I just wanted to get back on the plane.

@Singleandproud that has crossed my mind I have a great friend who lives in Thailand and could easily work remotely and escape life for 6 months.

I do have numerous animals that I'm responsible for so will have to park the idea until I'm animal free!

@mitogoshi awww congratulations! That's so lovely to hear.

I think you should do it now, a year before the a-levels.

The first couple of years at uni or gap year or whatever they try to do can go wrong quite badly, and if you've moved or downsized or whatever because of the split, it might be difficult to be their safety net. Both my adult kids needed to come back home first time round trying to "launch".

If you split while they're still minors, the division of assets might be different (more favourable) as well.

@category12 the split of assets aren't an issue but point taken about minors of course if I wait until 18 that's maybe makes life easier?

We have a small mortgage and some assets that will mean we can both stay in the area and buy smaller homes.

Our current house actually suits him better than me as it has land that he maintains and I would like a smaller space, so he could even end up staying in the family home and I budge out

I'd do it now, not wait.
You know it's what you want, it sounds like nothing is going to change with him and I'm sure your son will cope fine and has plenty of time to adjust before his final exam year.

Joking aside I do wonder if hormones play a big part in this stage of life. I just feel like I've done everything a woman is designed to do!

And now I just want to be selfish and do all the things I did before marriage.

I'm pretty balanced on HRT I went through the rollercoaster rage during covid times so now have entered the calm and more rational stage and this is why I'm surprised I feel so calm about the fact the decision is made I just need that timing for my DS to be OK.