Would you want to seperate around teens exams?

[tartancladpjs]

In essence my marriage is dead, I'm almost 50 DH is 54 and it's run its course. We haven't had sex in years, I don't find him physically or mentally attractive and I'm sick to death of picking up the slack and having to mange him like a child.

He sleeps in a different room but he says nothing, he's a total peacekeeper he won't have conversation deeper than "have you fed the dogs" he's alway been surface level to a point, but now that's all we have is a friendship and joint assets, we socialise have friend have a nice life but it's not a happy loving life, it's a "this will do" life.

I'd like my next years of my life to be just me, freedom and space and a future without burdens and having to care and manage him. We get on we rub along we could have a future as friends.

M question is when do I make the break, my youngest will be doing a levels next year, I think I should maybe wait for them to be done and him settled in uni or travelling etc?

Would you wait another year? Or should I pull the plug now? Or am I throwing away "nice" for no reason?

Anyone who's been here advice would be great. There is no one else involved I don't even have my eye on anyone, to be honest my focus has just change to look after me first.

I feel like I've given him my 20s, 30s and 40s and I really don't want to give him my 50s and beyond to waste.

Besides I would like sex before I die!

Can I ask if you’ve tried marriage counselling? Does he really understand the depth of the issues or perhaps he’s just avoiding and hoping they will resolve?

I do completely understand you are unhappy but I also think lots of relationships can go through this and if you actually get along well in general and have a foundation then maybe consider trying to work it out?

By sleeping in separate rooms the physical intimacy does get affected.

I just don’t think the grass is always greener.

I'd do it now from what you've said. The dust will settle in plenty of time for A levels and as others have said you have no idea what could be next, uni and big changes can be stressful too.

My marriage ended on dd1's second day at 6th form college which was awful timing (tho unavoidable and it was an abusive marriage that she supported leaving - regardless, I hated the timing). She's somewhat ND and loathes change. However we were all so much happier straight away and that's massively built up her confidence as she forges her own life. Now she's navigated a gap year, is nearing the end of first year of very demanding degree, and has also had more years of positive relationship messages/role models which I believe has been incredibly helpful to her when considering her own wants and needs in relationships.

My experience obvs informs my views but having lost 3 friends to cancer in the past couple of years, two of whom were dd1's friends' mums, I also know that both my teenage dds would say live your life mum and don't look back. X

I have asked for it over the last 2-3 years, when he gets angry or we argue. I've said listen why don't we resolve this and book some help. To my mind I suspect we are past help. And he thinks if he keeps his head down and mows the grass all is well.

The one time we had the discussion he said just let me know when and where and I'll come to the sessions - to his mind that was something I had to arrange.

He did once look at a couples therapist lady but then found out she was no longer practicing after one phone call and that was that, he never looked again.

It's like he will tick the box and make the right noises but won't actually follow through.

I have said to him if they ask I questions I will be honest so he's not keen I don't think of hearing any truth.

There's never a good time of course. I was in exactly your situation and in the end I waited until DD3 had finished her first year at uni (by which time XH and I hadn't had sex in 7 years!). In the 2-3 years after I knew I was going to end it, and before doing so, I thought through carefully how I would live and support myself, and worked at building friendships etc. It all went pretty smoothly, but my XH sounds like quite a different character to yours, and we were pretty much on the same page that we weren't making each other happy and needed to set each other free. DC also realised it had to end and didn't have much problem with it; all three were well into their independent lives anyway.

I had no plan to meet anyone until XH did - then I thought 'oh OK, maybe I can do that too!' I've now been with DP for 5 years, living apart together, sex is amazing and I'M FREE!!!

Ah tricky, yes sounds like he’s avoiding.

its a tough one, to salvage it would take that honesty and ability to work on it together.

In terms of a right time or not to separate I don’t think there is one, there will always be an impact so you just have to decide what’s best for you.

@Cantabulous it's been 6 years already, but it was me that stopped all sexual contact and I'm happy with my decision. And now he has ED issues, whether thats part of the current situation or medical I'm not 100% sure it's not a topic we talk about.

Wow that sounds like a good result all round.

My DH is a great looking bloke in comparison to most 54 year olds so I have no doubt he will get himself back in the game over time.

It's just not my absolute reason for wanting to be alone, I'd just like my own life.

I have already got my ducks in a row financially I'm the main earner and have been able to save and invest over the years so could buy him out. Or sell and both be OK so luckily that's not a big worry, or something to hold me back.

You should do it now. It will take at least a year. If he disagrees, more.

Good luck.

You will always delay otherwise; sounds lie you[re ready to go and all prepared.
Just do it.

What do you envision living arrangements to be? He can just refuse to move out which it sounds like he will. Can you afford somewhere with enough room for the DC or will it be just for you? In which case leaving it later might be better although you can always downsize when they are settled. Most DC have to return home for a while after uni due to CoL and rent prices. If you move now your home will be more likely to be considered their home whereas if you move later they'll likely not to feel settled in your place and always a visitor and perhaps that's ok.

If you do do it now then preferably get it done during the summer holidays so that they have time to settle. MH issues are very common in showing up in late teens in the last years of college and uni and this could potentially spark one - or may not, but something to be aware of.

I'm in the exact same position.

Two DC, over the next few years there will be exams, then a lull, then more exams.

Meanwhile life is passing me by. Don't even have the joy of a spare room to escape to.

Like you OP I have given this man two decades. He's just reached adulthood. I'm sick of propping him up.

I think there are ways to do it where you put the children first but you both have to agree way to separate amicably, either no resentment or blaming. Can he do that do you think?

Financially I'm stuck as I'm looking for a job ( have been working lower paid job around kids but want to return to a career) and in my 50s, that is proving very very difficult. 😞

There is no guarantee you will ever have sex again. It's tough out there for everyone but men aren't falling over themselves to shag 50+ women.

I don't mean this to be depressing I mean it as a wake-up call that dumping him won't necessarily fill your life with passion and having a companion isn't to be sniffed at.

(This doesn't mean you shouldn't leave - absolutely leave if you're certain but do it while facing the reality that there might be no one else down the line)

Just read your last update.

Just do it, you are financially ok, and kids know. I knew my parents didn't love each other.

You deserve happiness. They will benefit from your happiness 100%.

There is no guarantee you will ever have sex again. It's tough out there for everyone but men aren't falling over themselves to shag 50+ women.

Vile comment. Utterly ridiculous and untrue.
So she should stay put? At 50?
Please.

Do it now! Of course there is life after 50! I am in a very similar position to you, separated but still living together. Recently had an lovely night of passion with someone else. Just shown me what I have been missing all these years, and spurred me on to make more of my life before its too late...

It's true!!! I think it's really important to base these decisions on reality rather than aspirations. If you meet someone fab it's certainly not impossible but it is also far from guaranteed. Sex isn't a human right.

Of course its not true.

How ridiculous.

I just really don't think it is true, or at least it wasn't in my case - I was 55 when I got back in the saddle and I had absolutely no shortage of men to shag. God it was fun, I can't believe I had spent so long celibate (like you OP, this was my decision - XH just didn't do it for me any more).

OP the PP I imagine is on "the apss" and "OLD" which are hideous anyway.

You sound totally sorted and will meet someone at some activity/pub/work/ through DC even.

50 is bloody young.

Are you saying 50 somethings who divorce are guaranteed (or even more likely than not) to end up in a new relationship, or with a new compatible sex partner? That's not the experience I see around me. Some do. Plenty don't.

I don't mean stay in a crap situation, I just mean if your body is pushing you to make decisions for sex reasons it's worth pausing for a second.

Personally I'd pick companionship over solitude (but only if I actually liked the companion!). YMMV

You do you

I think this is bad advice. Plenty of people do not meet anyone and, as a friend put it, at a certain point it's just old blokes looking for a carer. I am not dissing op she might be super sexy I'm just saying do a cold assessment of what you want, what you might miss, what you can achieve

She's not saying that, but it's not what you said either. What you said was: "There is no guarantee you will ever have sex again."

Which is true, I guess, but I don't think it at all likely that a woman in her 50s could never have sex again. Fantastic sex, or a fulfilling long-term relationship...well, those are different things and can be elusive at any life stage. A willing sex partner? Those really aren't hard for women of any age to find.

That’s not even true. Also some losers say that to women of 35. It’s a way to make people stay in unhappy relationships. Anyway she says she wants to be free and on her own and it doesn’t sound like she gets much from his company anyway. She’s financially independent so what’s in it for her?

Maybe for you it’s true…

Sort of similar. ExDH told me he wanted to split after 30 years together when DS had completed year 1 of A levels. We agreed to remain together for the following year to protect DS. I only told very close friends
I envisaged that year would be difficult but doable. But ExDH turned into an absolute nightmare. DS started to pick up on it and my mental health was wrecked. He later apologised but the damage was done
Whatever you decide don’t tell him until you have to