Feel like I’m playing an extra in my husband’s life instead of the starring role in my own.

[HÆLTHEPAIN]

It’s long, apologies.

I’ve posted before about my ‘issues’ with my marriage due to my ill health and lack of having a life. And that my husband has recently taken up lots of new activities, leaving me to do pretty much everything in the house. He does do the dishwasher and remakes the bed (after I’ve stripped it) every other week but the rest of the household stuff, including all the admin, falls to me. I do have cleaners once a fortnight but they only really do surface level stuff and the rest is left to me. Because of my illness, this literally leaves nothing left energy wise for anything enjoyable. I don’t work, my husband does full time but as I say, what I do in the house leaves me with nothing left energy wise for myself. The kids are older now (both teens) so take no looking after but there’s still the general life drudgery that caring for a family brings.

My husband has now taken up 2 extra activities on top of the one I mentioned previously which means he’s now out of the house from early until late every Weds, as well as every other Saturday from early until late and then on Mondays he does a sport for an hour but is out of the house for 2. This also means that the other days he ends up working later to catch up on things he might have missed on the Mon and Weds. As well as the fact when he’s out running, he’s up and out early so falling asleep as soon as he’s had food on the evening.

As I said in my other thread, and in the interest of fairness, he has taken up the activities because of a T2 diabetes diagnosis and I get that he needs to be active and it’s great for his health. That said, it’s like that’s all his life’s about now and he’s out there getting a life while mine’s getting worse but I feel like I make sacrifices for him in terms of my health by doing what I do in the house, yet he doesn’t sacrifice anything for me. Yes, he works, and I know that’s important, but he’d be working anyway.

I’ve previously asked him to take some of the slack in terms of the household stuff but he’s always said it’s too much and he has nothing left in him after work. I never pushed back on that because I thought it was true. But now he has enough energy and inclination to take up all these new activities.

I also suggested we join a local health club so we could do something together as I could manage the normal pool and hydrotherapy pool (we can afford it) and because I wouldn’t be physically able to go without him. He said there’d be no point as he’d not be interested in the gym or pool aspect.

Like my title says, I feel like I’m just an extra in his life but my life is just fading away and I don’t know what to do. Also, sorry for rambling!

Please help.

How would you cope physically/financially without him?

Surely the issue is your own health and energy levels?
You don't work and have older children which you say take little hands on care. Maintaining your house (with a cleaner) should not take all your time.

If your husband was not out running/ hobbies what would you want to do?
If you have money to spare for a health club, is there money for a taxi or other transport expenses which would enable you to leave the house alone?

He doesn't sound that unreasonable to be honest. He's not out all the time, and he is trying to look after himself.

Is there anything you can do for your health conditions? Looking after a house with cleaners shouldn't be too big a job, are your standards very high? Put money for the health club into an extra hour or two of cleaner time perhaps?

You are responsible for your life and activities. Is there any reason you can't join the health club alone and go in the day? Join online communities in craft or whatever you are interested in. Is there a support group for your illness?

I get how you feel. At the same time, he has sole financial responsibility for all of you and needs to prioritise his health and fitness, including mental health.

I would say you need to be flexible and creative about your own-
what would you like to do
do that first and for the home making in around the edges.

You could argue that if you had any energy left, you should spend it on work.

I’m in a similar position, but I spend my all on part time work and have nothing left for me.

Make achieving your best health your priority- including mental health. So a little leisure/craft, a little exercise, a little meditation… whatever it is that helps with your condition.

If he is off out all the time , you can let a few things drop in the house. Will anyone notice? Spend some time reading or watching TV, or a box set he has no interest in . What about craft you can do at home?

Do you drive ? Or take a taxi? Can you go anywhere without him? Are there small activities you could try for yourself? Can you recruit your dc to go with you,?

I think you start doing stuff in the mornings for you. With left over energy you do house stuff

I would prioritise cooking then your own laundry. Thereafter stuff for the DC. DH will likely have to do his own laundry and you all accept lower standards in the house.

It does sound as if he is leaving you to it and not trying to be a husband to you, beyond the financial side. Though I do think the financial side matters.

I would definitely try what Mamanell suggested and try to set something up to get to the pool yourself.

Tbh I would also (sorry) get legal advice on your rights on divorce and know where the financial paperwork is. Just in case.

Also get those teens doing stuff. Make it part of their daily routine so they grow up decent and knowing what looking after a house is!

Your DH has responsibility for you all financially which is a big mental burden to him. Get the teens involved so it feels like you are all a team.

OP, can you think of what you would like to do to improve your own life and make you feel happier and more fulfilled? It does sound like you need some things that are just for you. Then think about how to achieve those. Just like your DH has done!

I don't think he's being unreasonable to be honest. You don't work, you don't have small children and yet have a cleaner. How much can there be to do, realistically?

Maybe you need to look at how you are managing your time.

We both work full time, with many children of different ages, no cleaner, studying and still have time for activities. I also have health issues.

I don't think the problem here is your husband. He's not stopping you from having a life, you're just resentful that he has one.

What do you like doing?

What’s the nature of your health issues?

I’m speaking kindly, but I think you are looking at him as the problem for how small your life has become. What’s stopping you from having a more fulfilling life? Having friends, hobbies, joining the health club independently?

I do believe the old saying of if you want something done, ask a busy person. You’ve got into a rut where you’re just treading water and have no zest for doing more of the fun and rewarding things. Why is that?

Are you mobile? Do you get up and leave the house every day?

If you could afford health club fees, use that money for more regular cleaning.

Agreeing with all the above.

I encourage my dh to go to the gym as it's good for mental health as much as physical.

I walk when I'm not at work and also have older teens so it's not so physical.

I don't have a leaner though so I do abit every day.

Can you ask one of the teens to go with you to the pool?

Start finding some hobbies for you that gets you out of the house more.

My parents are in their 70s but my dad has always had quite a few hobbies which he still does now and really enjoys.

My mum on the other hand just used to moan about how she doesn't do anything and as he drives and she doesn't she used to be resentful of him.
I explained to her that it's up to her to get herself some hobbies or groups etc. she never really did so now in her 70s she's bored a lot of the time and can be quite miserable about it.

Make time for yourself,get the kids to help with house stuff more and maybe get the cleaner an extra hour every now and then if you can afford it to take the pressure off

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. He works full time and tries to look after his health. You can’t expect someone to create a life for you. Go out there and create your own. If you can do something with him you can surely do it without him? Depends what your health issues are I suppose and if you can physically leave the house without support.

Agree with this. You don’t work, you have a cleaner, your kids are older. Your husband has the pressure of providing for all of you. Come on op, create a life for yourself - don’t rely on someone else to do it.

I can see why you feel like you're not experiencing much of a life yourself, so what could possibly be changed at home, so you don't feel like this?

I don't think the husband is the issue, he has the sole responsibility of keeping the roof over all your heads. Managing his health, by doing these sports, is allowing him to do that. What if he become unwell and couldn't work, what would happen then?

Your teenagers need to start helping around the house. What jobs tire you out more? If say hoovering, pass that job on to a teen.

I have some questions.

What are the things you want to do? Can you find a way to ensure you do something just for you for an hour every day? Doing that first (or at least early afternoon) before you use up your energy.

You mentioned a health club, can you get there by taxi / Uber if you can’t get a lift.

His much housework are you doing? Eg some people hoover the whole house every day vs those of us who do it once a week. Could you realistically drop your standards / give the teenagers regular chores.

Op; if you can both afford to attend the gym then why not have cleaners once a week instead of once a fortnight?

And tbh, very gently, I think you are looking to your dh to fill a gap in your own life that you perhaps need to fill yourself if your health allows it?

You don’t need anyone’s permission! Why not book two mornings a week, with a nice group of swimming ladies or something?

And if something gets neglected in the house as a result of your absence you can always say to your dh “well I enjoy my sport too”.

Once your dc become teens you should have more of a “we are all adults sharing this space” vibe and, except during exam times, they could cook dinner one night a week, and everyone should be doing their own laundry, and establish a rota for them for dw and bins.

Maybe though, it’s a connection with your dh you feel you have lost, with him being out so much? If you make more of your own life though, health allowing, and are absent from home more often, he will start to sit up and take notice?

Good luck op 💐💐💐

If the issue is getting to the pool, can you get a taxi? Doing this in the morning sounds like a good idea.

Could he drop you off to the pool when he goes to his activities and pick you up afterwards? Do you have any friends who would go? Do your teens drive yet, would they like to go?

I can see both sides. He shouldn't be leaving everything to you but if he works full time then you should be doing the lion's share. He's your husband, not your carer and he may be struggling to adjust to your disabilities. Although it also sounds like he's checked out of the marriage if he will have only consider doing things for himself.

I don't know what your health issues are but if you get any disability allowances maybe use those to up the support for housework?

How much do your teens pitch in?

I do think he needs to do some actual bloody housework though! Offload the to him or something and leave it to him to fit it in.

What are you physically able to do? Would you be able to go in a taxi on your own? Would you be able to do any kind of work from home? Are you able to see your friends outside the house?

I agree with PP. It is your own condition which you need to manage. Older children, cleaners and you do not work. So why can you not go to the gym and pool during the day? Is that because you do not drive? Then, get a license and start driving.
Go when you have the most energy and save other hobbies, like reading, knitting, arts and crafts for later in the day.
I say this because he got a diabetes diagnoses, so he is doing the right thing for his health, even if he is tired after work.
If you cannot join him in what he is doing, then find the way to go to the gym/ pool on your own.

Why? There's a cleaner and OP doesn't work. If dh and teenage dc are at school there really isn't a lot to for OP to do.