Feel like I’m playing an extra in my husband’s life instead of the starring role in my own.

[HÆLTHEPAIN]

It’s long, apologies.

I’ve posted before about my ‘issues’ with my marriage due to my ill health and lack of having a life. And that my husband has recently taken up lots of new activities, leaving me to do pretty much everything in the house. He does do the dishwasher and remakes the bed (after I’ve stripped it) every other week but the rest of the household stuff, including all the admin, falls to me. I do have cleaners once a fortnight but they only really do surface level stuff and the rest is left to me. Because of my illness, this literally leaves nothing left energy wise for anything enjoyable. I don’t work, my husband does full time but as I say, what I do in the house leaves me with nothing left energy wise for myself. The kids are older now (both teens) so take no looking after but there’s still the general life drudgery that caring for a family brings.

My husband has now taken up 2 extra activities on top of the one I mentioned previously which means he’s now out of the house from early until late every Weds, as well as every other Saturday from early until late and then on Mondays he does a sport for an hour but is out of the house for 2. This also means that the other days he ends up working later to catch up on things he might have missed on the Mon and Weds. As well as the fact when he’s out running, he’s up and out early so falling asleep as soon as he’s had food on the evening.

As I said in my other thread, and in the interest of fairness, he has taken up the activities because of a T2 diabetes diagnosis and I get that he needs to be active and it’s great for his health. That said, it’s like that’s all his life’s about now and he’s out there getting a life while mine’s getting worse but I feel like I make sacrifices for him in terms of my health by doing what I do in the house, yet he doesn’t sacrifice anything for me. Yes, he works, and I know that’s important, but he’d be working anyway.

I’ve previously asked him to take some of the slack in terms of the household stuff but he’s always said it’s too much and he has nothing left in him after work. I never pushed back on that because I thought it was true. But now he has enough energy and inclination to take up all these new activities.

I also suggested we join a local health club so we could do something together as I could manage the normal pool and hydrotherapy pool (we can afford it) and because I wouldn’t be physically able to go without him. He said there’d be no point as he’d not be interested in the gym or pool aspect.

Like my title says, I feel like I’m just an extra in his life but my life is just fading away and I don’t know what to do. Also, sorry for rambling!

Please help.

Oops, just saw your update! I know how life tasks add up but kindly, I think you need to accept that your life needs to have a lower standard of cleanliness to be balanced, and prioritise the balance and wellbeing.

You may think contributing, pulling your weight, etc is a way to save your marriage/reputation but actually, nothing beats actual time spent together to soften feelings towards you. Just think of the amount of working women who do everything at work and at home who have been left by their (prick) husbands. Not their fault obviously but really, we cannot win affection through achievement.

On the chores etc... I know it all adds up, but you can find ways to outsource & streamline. Only the outcome matters. Nobody will give you an award for effort put in.

Even normal people struggle with life admin and chores. Kindly, I know this hurts to read but you are less capable (in terms of effort/output) than a normal person and you MUST outsource and streamline. As a neurodiverse person, I have to do this to keep my life running on autopilot.

Many things you list (eg cleaning the loo daily, making the bed) are not STRICTLY necessary daily. Even fit healthy people don't clean the loo daily! Once a week is fine. Lots of people don't make the bed either, but I know that can be an important necessity for some people.

Or other things like wiping the bathroom round – Get everyone else to do this as a quick habit. It's good life skills anyway. If people in your house are leaving poo & pee marks at this age, you have a BIG problem.

Things like organising the grocery shopping - just schedule online deliveries with the same cart or marked favourites, or better yet, recurring deliveries (eg every week, every 1 month or every 3 months) for the same product. It doesn't matter if you have a bit extra left when the new one comes in.

That said, it’s like that’s all his life’s about now and he’s out there getting a life while mine’s getting worse

This looks to me like a stand-out part of the OP.
From your writing it feels as if there have been 2 approaches alongside each other. You have become unwell and would much prefer to have the energy to work, and to be on top of what your family life needs, and spend time with him, but have found it harder and harder to do, and can't rely on self-improving activities (on any energetic level) working better or worse for you. He has received a diagnosis and has felt it's galvanized him to prioritise a 'fix it, fix it, fix it' approach to his energy and health, which he's achieving, so is pleased with himself but perhaps not understanding anything of your situation.

It's sad he dismisses the health club idea as time and activity enjoyable for both of you, because it doesn't serve his own terms of life improvement. If this was one of your kids who needed water therapy or something, would he do it for them?

As part of the growth you would like, please consider arranging some sessions of someone to talk to - therapist or (good / recommended / accredited) counsellor. Not to have an end in mind, but in general terms, I do think you need someone to talk to regularly, who is focussed on you and who will be professionally sensitive and understanding of how you can find yourself and live more fully.

Yup I agree the parenting work must be done, but in that case I really think household work should be cut down on, or automated or outsourced. I'd rather have slightly dustier floors and a good family relationship/sense of self, than pristine floors and no family relationship/self esteem.

That’s not a lot though, even for someone with an illness. If you can’t do it, that’s fine - I would arrange to get a cleaner in more often. But I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect dh (already working full time and doing housework) to do more or give up his activities (which you’ve said are good for his health and that you can’t join anyway).

“Yeah. The drudgery is the standard household stuff like cleaning the loo daily, wiping the bathroom round, wiping the kitchen, making the bed, laundry, budgeting, cooking (yes, just evening meals), organising the grocery shopping - the mental energy of remembering when everything runs out or is needed. There can be quite a bit of laundry, especially when the cleaners have been because they strip the beds”

Cleaning the loo daily?Seriously? I didn’t do that when there were three teenagers at home. Wiping the bath every day? Not a chance.
It sounds like you’re finding yourself jobs to do to try and feel more useful in life and it’s being counter productive.
I understand that it is difficult to predict your energy levels, but it must be frustrating for your husband if anything you may hope to do eg a meal out gets cancelled if you’re not feeling up to it on the day. He will just give up trying.
Try working more on managing your activity levels so you do have more energy for activities that matter, like prioritising activities together (that you will probably have to initiate if he’s given up) until he realises you can carry through with them. Then he might start enjoying time together again. And as others have suggested, it could just be something low key. But done without letting him know if it’s hard work it is for you because, tough as it is for you, it sucks all the joy for a partner to regularly have their other half either complaining audibly or suffering visibly in silence.

That’s not a lot though, even for someone with an illness.

For someone with my illness, at my level, it really IS a lot. It might not sound it to a physically healthy person, but it really is. Like I said though, I will work on how to reduce it.

I agree with the above. Stop cleaning the bathroom daily!

My DH worked away most of our married life and I was a sahm -I somehow believed it was my duty to have a well run home,he worked hard yadda yadda, but in fact he loved it,had a ball and I had the drudgery.
my suggestion is sack the cleaner who does a bit and get someone in to do everything including change beds and come in a couple of times a week, Tell teens and DH they are each responsible for an Evening meal a week and washing up after, tidying their own rooms, give DH the shopping list to get one evening.
Join some clubs - many would be sympathetic to you paying weekly only if you go due to health probs- get busy with your new free time.

"The drudgery is the standard household stuff like cleaning the loo daily, wiping the bathroom round, wiping the kitchen, making the bed, laundry, budgeting, cooking (yes, just evening meals), organising the grocery shopping - the mental energy of remembering when everything runs out or is needed. There can be quite a bit of laundry, especially when the cleaners have been because they strip the beds. And when he comes back from his hobbies. I also do the not so regular more deep clean stuff like doing the oven or cleaning the hair from the shower plug - soul destroying that that’s what my life has become! I know not all of these things are done every day of course. "

Ok this is helpful!!

Some ideas

-Amazon subscribe. I have things like cleaning products and loo roll on subscription. After a bit of tweaking they just arrive at the correct frequency with no mental load it's brilliant

-online groceries. Same 7 meals on repeat. If anyone wants more variety the orgnasie and cook it themselves.

-daily cleaning the toilet is ludicrous lol make sure teens and dh clean after themselves if they make a mess!

-once a month have cleaner do a proper deep clean that should reduce your need to clean to almost nothing really

One of two things is happening. Your standards are stupidly high and need adjusting. Your family are shit at cleaning up after themselves!

Teens should really do most of their own laundry Including bedding and remake their own beds it's a valuable life skill. And yes my teens do their own

Your husband works and you don’t, the general household running falls to you as it should.

As another chronic illness haver, it absolutely sucks but you get by the best you can. Your DH shouldn’t have to give up his hobbies that keep his own illness at bay.

If I know I’m going out with him for a meal for example, I wouldn’t do anything at all that day, apart from maybe a load of laundry. I also understand that it’s a joy sucker to be with someone who’s complaining or suffering, but the suffering isn’t something I can control most of the time and that makes me feel utterly shit to think I’m spoiling it for him. Even if I do something like go out for a meal, which is relatively ‘easy’, it can be a nightmare if it’s busy and noisy. Sensory overload from noise and lights makes me feel like crap. It’s so hard.

It really is drudgery when it’s literally all you do.

Those saying it isn’t much- when you have a choice between having coffee with a friend OR doing a quick whip round to keep the house respectable between cleaner visits OR washing your hair…. it’s drudgery.

And that’s life with chronic illness. Wash and wear make up, meet a friend OR do housework.

I also used to mask, because anything else feels like whingeing.

Try pick something you want to do with him and make that the priority that day. Something you want to do for you the next day.
Something that’s needed for the house/kids for the next.
Bit prioritise health care over all.

That’s a balance. Everything else is ‘extra’.

With pacing you may find yourself able to do more eventually. But not until you’ve paced successfully for a good while.

Remember pacing isn’t having a test after you have overdone it. Pacing is not overdoing it in the first place.

And I too, miss my feisty competent previous self.

Good luck OP

my sister is in a similar situation with having long Covid and being 100% unable to work now. Her DH has stepped up working more hours, and is also doing a lot of things for himself (sport mostly)

the way he sees it he is now 100% responsible for earning the family money, and he must therefore really look after himself as if he also “keels over” the whole family is in trouble. He is also, in a way, a carer for my sister (who can manage a little bit of housework, then maybe cook a meal, then resting again) and needs to look after the kids when my sister is too tired (often straight after dinner she’s in bed)

the fact that her health has suddenly gone has also made him aware how precious health is and how important it is to eat well and exercise

All in all sounds a bit similar to your set up, and my sister is sad about missing out on life so much, but blames the illness not her DH

maybe talk to your DH how he could make you feel better by taking you swimming. He can maybe give a bit more of his time to you, but bear in mind that even just being solely financially responsible for the entire family is quite a big thing to deal with already (I am
currently in that position too 😭 as DH has resigned due to burn out and not worked over a year now)

take care

…. and do less housework! Save your energy for fun stuff

My husband loves his job too, as much as it can be intense and head busting at times. They regularly meet up in different areas of the country and do something fun - tomorrow it’s a team meeting (more fun than actual work), a buffet then an activity (quad biking) he’s looking forward to, as well as a free meal and drinks out on the evening.

I suppose he’s living like he doesn’t have a wife and kids in terms of activities (as in his stuff takes priority) - and I’m not dismissing the effect his illness has or the responsibility he must feel having to be the breadwinner.

Also to add to my earlier post – things that may take you hours (including the rest time) to do would take the cleaners or others a few mins to do. Leave the tools out and encourage people to clean up as they go, quick wipe here and there (eg after snacking or eating, after going to the toilet).

It's excellent life skills for teens and people to pick up anyway. I don't have energy issues but I actually leave cleaning tools out because cleaning up here and there as you go in your daily life (and I work FT) saves so much time compared to letting it all build up for the big weekly or even daily clean.

You really should have opened with ME!

As someone who previously had CFS for 3 years, you can't expect anyone except people who have had it to understand just how debilitating and frustrating it is.

My 2p of advice is bin off everything that is not required. It sounds like you're still trying to maintain a pre-illness level of cleaning/chores for example. Forget it! Focus on yourself and managing your energy better.

You want to go out for "fun" dinner? Then lie down all day until it's time to get ready. I'm not joking.

Let the toilets be dirty, let the teenagers wash their own bedclothes fgs.

Take back control of YOUR life.

If money is no object join the gym you want to join and go swimming. Take an Uber there and back 3 times a week. You need to get out more.

Your DH is reacting to a Diabetes diagnosis he needs all these activities at the moment.

As previous posters have said you need to take control of your own life. You said you have money, so get a cleaner in once or twice a week. Then you have far fewer chores and more energy to expend doing something more enjoyable.

Join the gym/spa and use the pool, either drive yourself or get a taxi. There is no reason you can't reorganise your life to make it more enjoyable, you don't need your husband's input. I have three long term illnesses which cause chronic fatigue, but I've learned to pace myself so I can do things which need to be done but also things I love doing. It's your choice to take.

I haven't rtft but just a thought. If finances allow would you be able to employ a sort of PA type person for a few hours a week rather than having a cleaner more? I'm thinking maybe a younger retired person, mature student or someone working round school hours? Someone who'd be happy to muck in with whatever you needed help with whether that's hanging out washing or helping you access activities like swimming.

I've had times of working freelance around childcare and would definitely have considered something like this - so like a mother's helper but for you rather than DC.

I don't have your health problems but definitely feel sometimes with life and probably perimenopause that by the time I'm done with everything I have to do there's not much time and energy to do the things I'd like. Having some help might help you prioritise that.

So do you think he shouldn't be doing the 'fun' parts of his job and just the 'drudgery'?
Does he do nothing with the family then?

Also, I definitely second looking at where you can cut as many corners as possible. I chuck that fizzy powder stuff down the loo quite frequently but don't clean everyday; have coverless duvets (controversial on MN I know!) wipe sinks and spray that everyday stuff in the bath/shower so don't need to properly clean so often. I don't really cook that much since having teens either - they don't appreciate it anyway. We don't eat ready meals /processed stuff but things like jacket potatoes; stir fry with prepared or frozen veg. I sometimes make a chilli or spag bol but always enough for 2 days either put away in the freezer or served in a different way so rice one day, tortilla wraps the next.

No, I don’t think that at all. I just mean he has that side of things (his job), which although can be intense, also has benefits for him too and more so because he really enjoys it. I don’t think he should necessarily stop doing anything..I just want to know how to bring our lives back together again.

I was/am resentful of the fact that he can do all this stuff without a second thought about what’s going on at home but that’s what I want to try and work on.

We do occasionally all for a drive and a cuppa on a Sunday but that’s pretty much all.

Edited to say, I am also a bit resentful of the fact that when I’ve suggested him doing even a little bit more in the house, he has said “there’s nothing left for me to give” then he goes and takes up another activity. It’s as if his health takes priority and mine takes a back seat - though, I do appreciate from reading the comments that that’s what I need to work on.

Please don't think am getting at you, but am really not sure what you want from him, is it just to be at home to be with you? To take on the household tasks? To take you to what you want but only when you want and otherwise just be at home?

No, not at all. I have no issues with him doing his stuff, but I would like more help with stuff in the house and I know people might say well he already does loads, even picking up a bit of the slack would be a bonus. I’d also like him to prioritise us at times too. For example, I found out about a walk we could do with me on my mobility scooter and him walking but he made (what seemed like) an excuse about not doing it. I suggested the spa thing because I thought he could use the gym while I went in the water and it would be something ‘together’ - although we’d not be doing the actual activities together - we’d go together and it would be something different, time in the car to chat and maybe have a cuppa in their coffee bar afterwards.

It seems like (and I know this may sound melodramatic) that the in sickness and in health bit of our marriage vows only really applies to his health…because I pick up the slack when he’s doing them but he doesn’t return the favour in any way.