Feel like I’m playing an extra in my husband’s life instead of the starring role in my own.

[HÆLTHEPAIN]

It’s long, apologies.

I’ve posted before about my ‘issues’ with my marriage due to my ill health and lack of having a life. And that my husband has recently taken up lots of new activities, leaving me to do pretty much everything in the house. He does do the dishwasher and remakes the bed (after I’ve stripped it) every other week but the rest of the household stuff, including all the admin, falls to me. I do have cleaners once a fortnight but they only really do surface level stuff and the rest is left to me. Because of my illness, this literally leaves nothing left energy wise for anything enjoyable. I don’t work, my husband does full time but as I say, what I do in the house leaves me with nothing left energy wise for myself. The kids are older now (both teens) so take no looking after but there’s still the general life drudgery that caring for a family brings.

My husband has now taken up 2 extra activities on top of the one I mentioned previously which means he’s now out of the house from early until late every Weds, as well as every other Saturday from early until late and then on Mondays he does a sport for an hour but is out of the house for 2. This also means that the other days he ends up working later to catch up on things he might have missed on the Mon and Weds. As well as the fact when he’s out running, he’s up and out early so falling asleep as soon as he’s had food on the evening.

As I said in my other thread, and in the interest of fairness, he has taken up the activities because of a T2 diabetes diagnosis and I get that he needs to be active and it’s great for his health. That said, it’s like that’s all his life’s about now and he’s out there getting a life while mine’s getting worse but I feel like I make sacrifices for him in terms of my health by doing what I do in the house, yet he doesn’t sacrifice anything for me. Yes, he works, and I know that’s important, but he’d be working anyway.

I’ve previously asked him to take some of the slack in terms of the household stuff but he’s always said it’s too much and he has nothing left in him after work. I never pushed back on that because I thought it was true. But now he has enough energy and inclination to take up all these new activities.

I also suggested we join a local health club so we could do something together as I could manage the normal pool and hydrotherapy pool (we can afford it) and because I wouldn’t be physically able to go without him. He said there’d be no point as he’d not be interested in the gym or pool aspect.

Like my title says, I feel like I’m just an extra in his life but my life is just fading away and I don’t know what to do. Also, sorry for rambling!

Please help.

If the timing was synchronous then it needs to be yellow carded.

Why did they put you on Citralopam for anxiety rather than propranolol? It's primarily an anti depressant. The citralopam could be making your anxiety worse and it certainly doesn't seem to be working given it's still stopping you getting your bp done.

I'd try to persevere with at home tests. Just work up in stages like having it visible in your room for a week. Then touch it once a day for a week. Then put it on your arm but don't switch it on for a week. Then use it on everyone else. Then when you're ready try it yourself, preferably after doing something relaxing like meditation or a lavender bath.

The hormones are likely upping anxiety so if HRT would help that you could come off the citralopam and that might help the fatigue?

In the meantime you could take menopausal vitamins & supplements, there are loads in the shops.

Also if you drink any alcohol stop that as it is a huge trigger for middle aged female anxiety!

Also check your caffeine consumption. That's another anxiety blowtorch.

Thank you for your input too. I really do appreciate everything.

I don’t know why they gave me Citalopram but the doctor who did contributed massively to my fear of doctors. He was like Jekyll and Hyde. I switched surgeries in the end and the new one and all their staff are amazing but before I did move, I used to have panic attacks when waiting to see him. And at that surgery they would only let you see your assigned doctor. If I tool someone with me, he was usually ok, took a few minutes to explain things etc, but if I went on my own he was dismissive and hardly said anything to me apart from in a tone that suggested ‘why are you bothering me’. Bearing in mind when you’re going through the process of being diagnosed with ME, you have a lot of other tests first to rule out everything else so I was there quite a lot. The citalopram was given with my post natal health anxiety where I was utterly convinced I was going to die, to the point I actually planned my own funeral at one time.

I was given propanalol a couple of years ago but I only really took it once (they’d said to use as and when)..possibly because at the same time my citalopram dose was upped too and that seemed to fix the general anxiety. Now it’s more specific like in relation to medical and dental appointments.

I would love to come off the Citalopram but I’m scared after such a long time because I’ve read the withdrawal is horrid. And because I’m worried I’ll get worse of course. Whenever I’ve tried to Google anything about it (citalopram) causing ME symptoms, all it ever brings up is how it can help with ME and similar conditions.

I don’t drink alcohol at all - the ME makes me intolerant to any amount. I also cut out caffeine last year.

I’ll look into vitamins but I find it a minefield. Again, because of the ME it can be overwhelming trying to find which is best and which are useless.

Thanks again!

Could you book a double appointment at your new doctor and discuss all of this. There are a lot of overlapping issues which need looked at holistically rather than just single issue appointments/referrals.

Just get a box of over 50 women multivitamins.

Evening primrose oil is also everywhere and supposed to be good.

Also how is your iron? Most women don't get enough as we dont eat as much red meat as men (also periods!)
Try to up this esp when pre menstrual. Big slabs of steak are best!

Then there are thyroid issues, also often under diagnosed in middle aged women.

Gallstones can also cause fatigue!

You really need a big health MOT (on top of doing less!)

Thanks again.

I don’t think it’s gallstones - I haven’t had any symptoms I could attribute to that (touch wood it stays that way).

I’ve not had a full blood test done for about 2 years now, but last time I did there were no issues - all the ranges were normal according to NHS guidelines, though I have heard that the NHS guidelines aren’t always optimal for certain things so who knows. Maybe I should request that again from the GP as it’s been 2 years. In the past I have had low ferritin and vitamin D but they were both fine last time too.

My thyroid has been tested numerous times too and it’s always in range. I previously paid for a private thyroid profile as well and there was something borderline that was low (I think it was the free T4) and the recommendation from that service was to try a low dose of thyroxine but my old, scary GP refused to acknowledge it as it was borderline and not something the NHS test for so I didn’t push it. I’ve recently done a finger prick test via Superdrug for Hba1c as I was peeing and drinking a lot. That came back at 29 so well within the normal range. The peeing and drinking is probably peri too!😂 Although it’s settled a lot anyway so it was probably just something that passed.

I’ve been put off getting my over 40’s health check because of the BP thing too but I think my cholesterol was done last time two years ago, too. Obviously it could probably need doing again.

I’ll see about a double appointment. The doc I saw last, which was in September when I had my HRT issued, wasn’t as good as some of the others but I don’t know if that’s because I was overwhelmed and telling her so at the time. I went for peri symptoms but also waffled on about the ME symptoms getting worse and the HRT was given in the hope of it helping all round. Sometimes my brain fog affects me so that I get stuck for words and sometimes it all just comes pouring out.

I think it’s hard to know what to ask for when I go in because the ME stuff isn’t something they can generally help with so it all feels so vague when I’m trying to explain.

ME is so difficult. I understand the temptation to go down rabbit holes looking for something to make it better but at the end of the day it doesn't exist. You're doing well by the sounds of things in terms of diet, and not letting your sleep pattern go to pot. You just need to add in a bit more self care.
It kills me to lie down when there's mess or dirty washing around, but I've learned to do it.

OP reading your words it really strikes me how stressed you are & also how you set incredibly high standards for yourself.
So high it’s not sustainable.
Its not your fault you have this chronic illness. So stop beating yourself up about it .
Easier said than done.
Have you thought about looking for a zoom class where you can regularly meet & do something relaxing ?
During covid I did a painting class. Just having that regular space to sit , talk and be creative has been a game changer.
You sound like you want more social contact with people , could this or something similar fill that void. It seems like you need something that will help you to relax . What do you enjoy ?

Your constant battle with washing does seem to be counterproductive. You are in a household of 4 almost adults why on earth are you killing yourself trying to be super woman?
Your teens are more than capable of working a washing machine & dryer. Likewise why aren’t they involved in cooking and meal prep?
My sister always had a meal rota and my nieces had to plan & prepare 1 meal a week . Maybe doing the same thing in your house would relieve some of the burden on you ?

I do worry OP that your battling to be perfect and not a burden ( in your eyes only) you’re actually achieving the opposite.
So I’m trying to say be Kind to yourself , you have a family who loves YOU - not your ability to wash or iron x x

OP, what is stopping you getting a cleaner every week? They could do ironing for you.

Agree so much @OliveKI’ve tried many things over the years, spent hundreds and wasted time and energy on a load of nonsense as I see it, as nothing has made a blind bit of difference, not even vitamin pills. (Though I do take a multivitamin and I have been trying LDN for 5 months.). Prescribed painkillers, anti depressants, etc also all zilch or negative effect, though I don’t suffer from depression. I’m currently trying to simplify and reconfigure my life now to prioritise some of the nicer things I’d like to do.

Thanks everyone.

@Pumpkinpie1 I do think my standards are too high and I definitely try and do too much to make up for the fact that I don’t work and contribute financially and to not be a burden! That’s my biggest fear.

As for what I like to do - do you know - I just don’t know anymore. I don’t feel like I know who I am either. Before the youngest kids came along I was into clubbing (when the eldest went to his dad’s) but the rest of the time was spent being a single parent and working. Then when I met my now DH, we also went clubbing at the beginning and I swam regularly (not in a competitive way or anything, just because I enjoyed it). We also did days out at theme parks and other places. Then the younger two came along and it was back to working/parenting being the main thing. DH and I used to go out for meals quite regularly as we were very lucky to have good babysitting from my parents and his. Then we did our now and then things on our own.

I took up sewing a few years ago with a view to making clothes and that was the hobby class I went to but had to stop because I had a big flare up. Sadly, the organiser is now poorly herself so it’s been cancelled altogether for the foreseeable. I’m looking again to see if there are any others in the area.

I mentioned I found an online thing - it’s called Rest, Repair, Recover and they do an online programme of different things like mindfulness and yoga nidra. I think there’s also a social call one day a week too just for chatting.

@ClickClickety my current cleaners only do certain things and that’s why they only really do surface stuff, but will add on other things when needed so I plan on getting them to do some more things too.

@PlayBo and @OliveK yep, I agree. I try not to go down too many rabbit holes but as you’ll probably know, sometimes it’s hard not to.

I tuned and played my harp today. I’m right at beginner level, literally the very beginning, but enjoyed having a go again. I really want to do the things that make me me as well as the things that build my health stave off decay.

Have you thought about marriage counselling, OP? It sounds as though you don’t feel seen and are trying so hard- he may not realise much of what you’re thinking and feeling.

I’m so pleased you’ve been able to do something that brought you joy.

I have mentioned counselling to him before but he doesn’t think it’s necessary - probably because he thinks everything is ok - and I suppose it is for him. I mentioned before he just wants an easy life and counselling would upset that I think.

I made a list of what I’ve done today again (I won’t bore you with it all) but suffice to say it’s too much. The frustrating thing as well was he made himself bacon sandwiches on Sunday and I asked him to clean the pan and hob - he didn’t do it until tonight and then he covered the sink, tap and dish brush in oil which I ended up cleaning! 😩 The pan is the kind of thing I’d normally do without thinking but I stood my ground although it was difficult not to just do it. He could have cleaned the oily mess but I feel like I’m ‘nagging’ if I point it out.

He’s also just asked me where a pair of his trousers are (as in have they been washed) which has made me annoyed internally because I’m struggling to broach the subject with him and the teenagers…I know it needs doing but I need to summon the mental energy enough to have a conversation and to deal with the subsequent push back I will receive. Not to mention the training I’ll need to give! If I’m honest, I’m worried that he’ll think me not doing his laundry is like a tit for tat thing - like he’s going to more activities so I’ll upset that with giving him stuff to do. That’s probably irrational I know but it’s why I need to build up some energy.

Reasons people should do their own washing-

you never need to wonder where your clothes are. Only You know where in the wash cycle they are and when you need them next. All that ‘mum, where’s my pe kit?’, business is resolved.

You never lose a sock. When it’s you, somehow, it’s easier to put both socks in the pile and they don’t get confused with anyone else’s.

No more sorting washing. Everything that goes in belongs to one person.

We took it up a level and got hanger clips for the line. You hang your clothes on the hanger on the line then take the hanger off and put it in the wardrobe. So much more efficient! Handle the washing once instead of multiple times.

I think you've cast yourself in the role of supporting player chambermaid.

Stop doing the washing.

They are all perfectly capable of sorting it, putting it in with the pod, switching it on, taking it out, hanging it up, ironing it, putting it away.

You aren't.

Just stop it. And tell them you're not longer physically able to do it.

I think you've cast yourself in the role of supporting player chambermaid.

My thoughts too.

You have to stop doing so much housework. Your teens and cleaners can take on more. I was just telling my kids yesterday that when I was a teen my weekly jobs were cleaning the bathroom, hoovering the whole house and ironing, while taking my turn on the evening clean kitchen rota and often cooking a dinner, running to the shops, etc.
You need to decide what your top priority for you is each day and make space for that first. Then the other things fit in where there is energy left and you don't use up the full quota of energy every day. Start living your life first. If you need to prioritise you can do the mental stuff and organise others to do the physical.
You can also explain to your husband that you have been masking and are doing much worse than you appear so you'll need to step back.
Do an experiment for a couple of weeks of taking way more rest than you need, doing a huge amount less, prioritising a couple of things that fill your bucket and doing the house work from your bed e.g. "kids, will you put those bed clothes into the washing machine for me?". It's not forever, it's for 2 weeks, see how you feel and how everyone adapted.

It sounds like he's got some weaponised incompetence going on.

If he wants a housemaid he can pay for one.

If he only sees you as his skivvy then he'll treat you like a skivvy.

Men who have affairs (I'm not justifying it btw) often say their wives turned into drudges which stopped them seeing them as sexual beings.

It's a very hard trap to escape.

Tell him if he wants you to be the vibrant woman he married you need to do less at home so you can have an interesting out of home life.

He can't have both.

Lots of suggestions of more cleaner hours, kids helping, lowering of standards etc

But few of her DH actually stepping up and doing more.

@HÆLTHEPAIN I hope you do manage to have a constructive conversation with him and he starts to realise what he needs to do to be more of a participant in his home life and not an onlooker

Because he's stepping up and having the sole responsibility of bringing in the money

This is an interesting one because I initially thought this too. But then I thought imagine being the sole earner for a family with kids and a wife who can't work due to ill health. Then you get a health scare and you realise that your whole family relies on you being in good enough health to continue with your full time role. You may decide that you have two top priorities - full time work and staying fit and healthy enough for full time work. Maybe the husband can do more, maybe he's taking care of two very important family priorities already. I think if the OP also prioritises her health first and foremost we may find out how much capacity the husband may find when he needs to.

Thanks again everyone.

“I think you've cast yourself in the role of supporting player chambermaid.

My thoughts too.”

I think so too, but it wasn’t really a conscious decision and it as I’ve explained previously, it was done in an effort to prove my worth.

@Carebearsonmybed I’m starting to see this now. I don’t think it’s weaponised incompetence, more genuine incompetence!😂 Well, actually it’s more of a general ‘can’t be arsedness which I suppose could be weaponised incompetence.

I tried getting him to wash his car cleaning cloths (he washes his car regularly like a hobby) and he has never done it once because he needs me to tell him how to do it apparently. Now, I know I could have just not done it but he dumps the pile of cloths in front of the washer leaving a massive wet patch that my lovely white bedding got caught on once when I was pulling it out and it ended up filthy off the mess it had made… so it just seems easier for me to do it when I’m there to get them out of the way.

@Nanny0gg thank you.

@DubhLinn24 I do appreciate he has all that responsibility and I know it can’t be easy for him with his health condition but the fact is it can’t go on how it is so he’ll either have to step up or we’ll have to split up. He says he doesn’t want that to happen but maybe that will change if he has to do more. The way I see it is I have a health condition that can’t be ‘fixed’ like his can and it has already deteriorated in the time I’ve had it. If I continue this way then I may end up permanently bed bound and then it would be even worse for both of us (assuming he doesn’t feel like walking away at that point).

It may not seem like it because I don’t work now but I have also done a massive amount for this family too and I have done it while chronically ill and to the detriment of my health. (I’m not asking for a medal, just acknowledgement). Prior to me giving up work I would argue that I did more than he did, despite working less hours. I also picked up all the slack when he was working away and working really late, and I was still working (and ill) - so he could get to this point in his career. If I hadn’t given so much at that point, he wouldn’t be where he is now because would have had to do his ‘fair’ share of looking after the kids and house instead.

One thing I get from some of the comments (not all obviously) is that the paid work is the only important stuff and that what I have done and am (stupidly) still doing is insignificant. It’s really frustrating sometimes to think that people see the paid for work as the only important thing.

I’ve not had the best day. I’ve mostly been in bed feeling absolutely wiped out. He’s at his new hobby until after 11 tonight so I’m trying to rest.

Get a cleaner and a hobby. Having more time to yourself with make you less resentful and you’ll start reconnecting again.

You are so right about there being an attitude among many people, not all, that only paid work is deserving of respect. I can also recognise your description of one person taking the load of home responsibilities to allow the other to concentrate on their career. It then becomes a pattern and an assumption exists that it will continue.
I’m sorry you have had a bad day, tomorrow is a new day and even if you are only able to make small changes they are still a step in the right direction.

Get. Some. Help.

Professionals to clean, do laundry and ironing, gardening, clean the oven, Ocado food order delivery. The 'drudgery.' List out all the jobs you are currently trickling your life away doing to zero appreciation and see how much you can outsource.

Your teenagers to get off their arses and learn domestic skills they will be needing in their own lives if they are not to become helpless liabilities to themselves and their future partners.

Take that time back for yourself.

And get some hobbies of your own.

Change your doctor. Find one who empathises with menopause and get that in hand because it's a bitch.

@HÆLTHEPAIN I completely acknowledge what you are doing in the home and maybe the final piece of my comment was clumsy. I meant maybe he can do more and the way to find that out is for you to start prioritising your health the way he does. But you may also need to understand the responsibility he might feel is on his shoulders. But if you keep saying you can't do it, but keep doing it, I don't think the message will ever get through. Stop doing all the house stuff, live your life and look after your health first and see what happens.

Thank you.

Sadly there’s not been much progress on anything today as I’ve been glued to the sofa again. ‘Just’ a flare day or two (hopefully), I think but I’m also coming up to my period and that wipes me out a ridiculous amount too. That in itself is crap because my periods have become closer together since peri so it happens more often.

The positive from today though is that I haven’t felt guilty for resting. Normally I really do feel bad for not being able to do much but today I thought feck it. I’ve listened to a book on Audible and watched some old sitcoms. I did manage to do a couple of small things that weren’t too taxing but other than those, I looked after me!