Feel like I’m playing an extra in my husband’s life instead of the starring role in my own.

[HÆLTHEPAIN]

It’s long, apologies.

I’ve posted before about my ‘issues’ with my marriage due to my ill health and lack of having a life. And that my husband has recently taken up lots of new activities, leaving me to do pretty much everything in the house. He does do the dishwasher and remakes the bed (after I’ve stripped it) every other week but the rest of the household stuff, including all the admin, falls to me. I do have cleaners once a fortnight but they only really do surface level stuff and the rest is left to me. Because of my illness, this literally leaves nothing left energy wise for anything enjoyable. I don’t work, my husband does full time but as I say, what I do in the house leaves me with nothing left energy wise for myself. The kids are older now (both teens) so take no looking after but there’s still the general life drudgery that caring for a family brings.

My husband has now taken up 2 extra activities on top of the one I mentioned previously which means he’s now out of the house from early until late every Weds, as well as every other Saturday from early until late and then on Mondays he does a sport for an hour but is out of the house for 2. This also means that the other days he ends up working later to catch up on things he might have missed on the Mon and Weds. As well as the fact when he’s out running, he’s up and out early so falling asleep as soon as he’s had food on the evening.

As I said in my other thread, and in the interest of fairness, he has taken up the activities because of a T2 diabetes diagnosis and I get that he needs to be active and it’s great for his health. That said, it’s like that’s all his life’s about now and he’s out there getting a life while mine’s getting worse but I feel like I make sacrifices for him in terms of my health by doing what I do in the house, yet he doesn’t sacrifice anything for me. Yes, he works, and I know that’s important, but he’d be working anyway.

I’ve previously asked him to take some of the slack in terms of the household stuff but he’s always said it’s too much and he has nothing left in him after work. I never pushed back on that because I thought it was true. But now he has enough energy and inclination to take up all these new activities.

I also suggested we join a local health club so we could do something together as I could manage the normal pool and hydrotherapy pool (we can afford it) and because I wouldn’t be physically able to go without him. He said there’d be no point as he’d not be interested in the gym or pool aspect.

Like my title says, I feel like I’m just an extra in his life but my life is just fading away and I don’t know what to do. Also, sorry for rambling!

Please help.

I really feel for you.

My tips:

Bathroom - ask everyone in the house to get into a habit of not leaving mess on the sink and the toilet and the bath. A packet of cleaning wipes on the side to remind them. It’s easy to quickly rinse off or wipe hairs and splashes of your own. It should only need a proper clean 3 x a month if they do that.

Kitchen - same thing. No leaving crumbs or unrinsed dishes.

Beds - Once a week should be enough. The teens can do their own. You can separate this into a few 2 minute tasks. Sheets off and in the wash. Later sheets out and hung. Later bottom sheet on. Later pillow covers on. Later duvet cover on. This is how I do it so the task isn’t a workout. DP could help with the final bit before bed.

Admin - choose one day a week for admin, eg. Mondays. Keep a “Monday admin” list that you add to. Only worry about these things on Mondays. This frees up your mind for 6 days a week as long as you pop those things in your list when they come in.

Laundry - wake up and put a load on every day. Hang it out at lunchtime every day. Fold and put some away before dinner every day. Again, this makes laundry into several “a few minutes” tasks rather than full body workouts. And again, the other family members can do their own. Give everyone a basket and an airer.

You should be valued by your family because you’re their mum and wife, not because you scrub the loos every day. And they should have empathy for you because you have a really difficult condition they can see you living with.

The OP has a disability and has asked him to take her to the health club so she can use the hydrotherapy pool and he said no. Even though the OP can't go without him, he's not interested, so he won't go.

If that isn't him being selfish I don't know what is.

I would like more help with stuff in the house and I know people might say well he already does loads, even picking up a bit of the slack would be a bonus.
What exactly with?
There's been some great advice of things that could be hugely stepped back on
Bathrooms- everyone wipes around after themselves in the morning.
Cooking- its just the evening meal, everyone takes a day when they cook.
Running errands- teens take responsibility for their own parcels and haircuts?
Onlineshopping- the order gets delivered in the evening so everyone helps put away.
Laundry- teens and DH do their own?
Oven cleaning- cleaner does this?

Yes, that’s the sort of thing I’ll be working on getting them involved with and what I asked for help with. It’s hard to see the wood for the trees when you’re stuck in the middle of it and have brain fog!

And then maybe I can get a bit of a life as well as reconnecting with him a bit more.

Have you specifically asked him to take you to the health club so you can use it or just suggested it as a nice thing to do together and he's said no because he doesn't fancy it? I know that sounds picky but I think there is a difference.

My DH swims regularly - I really don't like public pools and would much rather exercise outside. He had some health problems recently where he couldn't drive for a while. I happIly took him whenever he wanted to go. It was the least I could do and would have been really selfish not to. I'd have helped him access it too if he'd needed to. However, every so often he asks if I want to go with him and I nearly always say no as I don't enjoy it. I run a couple of times a week and he can't come as his knees are wrecked. I don't think I'm being selfish in those examples .

Is it that you can’t actually go anywhere without his help (getting from car etc) ? Then you need to stop complaining about cleaning the loo every day which you do t have to do (don’t bother or get cleaner more often) or his hobbies which he is entitled to do, and have a discussion with him as to how and when he can help you with this.
whether he’s having fun or not or enjoying g his job or not isn’t the priority -it’s him making time to get you where you want to be.
You need to find hobbies and interests of your own.

Have you specifically asked him to take you to the health club so you can use it or just suggested it as a nice thing to do together and he's said no because he doesn't fancy it? I know that sounds picky but I think there is a difference.

Both. He knows I can’t go without him and I did say it would benefit me (I was planning on getting a 3 month membership first to see if we got the use out of it and how it would work realistically with my restrictions), but I also said it would be good as something we could do together and it would also accommodate some of his need for activity. I thought if I went on my own and he had to take me/pick me up/help me that it would be more restrictive for him.

I guess what I was trying to say was if DH needed my help to enable him to do something I'd do everything I could to help. If he asked me to stop doing something to do his activity with him I'd probably say no. And I think that's very different (not saying that is what you're doing)

(sorry crossed posts with you!)

Getting there/back and potentially some help once in the building. Technically I could drive there and back but if I did the pool as well, even just floating around I wouldn’t be guaranteed to make it home!

I’ll be working on getting them involved with and what I asked for help with.
NO, YOu’ll be sitting down with everyone and telling them there needs to be changes to suit you and they start tomorrow!!

. I thought if I went on my own and he had to take me/pick me up/help me that it would be more restrictive for him.
OH,BO HOO he’s got a dream life at the moment he can be a bit blooming restricted

You are being a martyr. Put yourself first - no one likes a martyr -perhaps have some counselling to change your mindset. You deserve better than this.

What jobs do the teens have in the house? You've mentioned the 18yo doing exams, but what jobs have they been doing up to now?

On another note, have you tried a meal subscription like gousto? I know they can be expensive and not to everyone's taste but they were a revelation to us sadly can't afford at the moment)

No mental load in meal planning you just look at the choices - everyone can pick something they like. Easy to follow and you know you definitely have all the ingredients. We did it so everyone picked a meal and the night they'd cook it. Would definitely go back to it in the future if finances allowed. You can specifically pick quick and easy recipes too

Op - I mean this kindly but when I got a chronic health condition, my dh of 25 years had an affair and left. It’s not uncommon. One of the reasons he got bored he says was because of my health. Yes, that makes him selfish etc but I’ve learnt to be self sufficient as I have to. Just because you both made vows doesn’t mean he’ll stick to them.
You need to do what it takes to be independent and carve out your own life. I am cynical but I would do it with the assumption you may be on your own one day.

Can we please aim for consistency here, people?

If it’s not a lot for OP to do, then it’s barely anything for him as he’s considerably healthier.

If it’s too much for him, then it’s even more demanding for OP!

Time for a reset, OP. It’s all part of coming to terms with it. Pants. But there we are.

Sorry to hear that.
Sadly I agree this seems likely for OPs future.

Men are likely to leave when their wife develops a chronic illness.

This is what I worry about. Probably also why I’ve put as much effort into ‘keeping house’ to show I’m not worthless. Not so much being a martyr I don’t think, it’s literally like I need to prove myself.

I’ve also considered ending it because of that worry and sort of beating him to it (and because technically I’d have less to do) but I don’t really think that’s what I want. It does me anxious though because although he’s the last person I think that would do it, I know others have thought the same and been devastated.

As for what the teens do - not much. They keep their own rooms tidy and will occasionally cook for themselves but that’s pretty much it.

Sounds to me like you need to prioritise your health.

What are your doctors recommendations for dealing with ME and fibromyalgia?

If you have money to throw at this get a cleaner to do some extra hours. Could you offer to pay teens to do certain tasks that are above and beyond normal teen responsibilities? Or offer to pay their friends to for example Hoover mow the lawn clean the bathrooms etc.

Also depending on finances could you get some private medical support. This could be counselling, private healthcare, CBT (not sure what is needed with ME)!

Re your husband - I think he is prioritising his health given his recent diagnosis. You should 100% do the same.

I almost think he is the red herring here. Focus on you. What do you want for your life. What do you need to manage your health.

I get where you are coming from with regard to chronic illness, especially invisible chronic illness. I suspect that you are suffering from a perfect storm of illness, peri, teenagers and a relationship which might have got into a rut. I have some problems arising from a chronic condition and had got myself into a pattern of not going out because of IBS, it becomes a vicious circle, your world shrinks and with less outside distraction anything negative at home seems much more significant. I made myself pull out of it a bit as I didn’t want to be a boring grandmother!
For me one of the biggest problems is the mental load of life admin, and guilt if I miss something. Luckily I am not too particular about how the house is.
I would suggest making use of your children more, give them an allowance and they can order and return their own clothes. As others have said get each person to cook once a week. Teens are technically skilled, get them to set up a way of keeping track of what needs bought and do the order.
They can make up their own beds too.
Set yourself a challenge of finding new interests, whether that is subjects to study, art/craft or exercise. If you are able to get out to do it with others so much the better but even if you start at home it will be a time you are engaged in something and not tempted to look for jobs to do or ruminate. Seated exercise, yoga are gentle, even walking and making yourself do something like five senses challenge take you to a different headspace. Lots of art and crafts are good because you have to concentrate and be in the moment.
Make you as important a project as the housework!

She did, he rejected it. He not compromising. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership where each has their role.

Op- my ex was definitely the sort who I assumed would never have an affair or leave when the going got tough but he did. Life is easier without him. I got lots of aids etc and manage. Doing housework wont be appreciated. It’s not difficult for men to find a younger fitter replacement- yes I am cynical.

There’s not really a lot docs can do. I’ve had strong painkillers before (Tramadol and Gabapentin) but they made me so spaced out and groggy that it made me less able to cope. And I didn’t want to be hooked on them.

I’ve been through the CFS service at the hospital close by but that was years ago and all it involved was appointments with an (admittedly lovely) occ health lady. The main thing was learning to pace. I was still at work then and it was impossible with 2 younger kids! Once you’ve been through that you’re pretty much on your own because there’s no known treatment. It’s all about managing as best you can.

In terms of something for you, would you consider Manual Lymphatic Drainage (MLD), to see if it helps with managing your symptoms?
Can find a therapist on the MLDUK therapist page

It's insensitive her hubby is dealing with his diabetes? That just seems wrong...

I'd also be upset about him taking up the hobby you wanted, but only when you were no longer able to. That's insensitive.
@AGlinnerOfHope they couldn't do it then because of young dc, dc are all older teens now who don't need same level of care, so the dh is NEVER allowed to do anything?