Are grandparents expecting too much?

[darcymaye]

My DD is 8 and has always had a pretty good relationship with both sets of grandparents. (I'll refer to them as GP1 and GP2 for ease). Both sets live locally and we see them both regularly. Usually for an hour or so once a week but with no set routine.

GP1 value 1:1 time with her over anything else. Which my husband and I don't have an issue with. This could be an afternoon at theirs, sleepover, day out or a weekend away. GP2 are more keen to spend time with us as a family and whilst they will babysit if we need them to, any invitations are very much for the 3 of us.

For the past 12 month or so my DD has been reluctant to spend time on her own with GP1. So, we've just politely declined the invitations and she still came with us on the usual weekly visits. We did check with her if there were any issues and she did make a few suggestions. We explained these to GP 1 and she was happy that these were addressed. However because she hasn't suddenly snapped back to wanting to spend time alone with them they've decided this is a major problem.

I've tried explaining that I think they are now putting too much pressure on the situation and the more they ask the more likely it is that they will push her away but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. They've now started to make sly comments too which they can't seem to see is making things worse. E.g

DD said "I'll leave my sweets here and finish them next time I come". The response she got was "Well there's no point in that you never bloody come here".

GP1 "Oh, you have a bank account now. If I give you £5 a month will you come and have a sleepover once a month"

DD sat in the lounge whilst the rest of us are in the kitchen. "Are you going to come in here and speak to us today or what?"

GP2 never expect anything from her. They take her as she is and never make any comments or pass any judgement. If she's chatty one day great, if she's tired from school and wants to play or watch tv in another room that's fine too. They just carry on chatting to us and leave her to it. She's so much more relaxed around them. I want to facilitate a good relationship with both sets of GP. How do I get GP1 to see that their behaviour is making things worse?

They sound incredibly rude. Do they really talk to her like that?

I would be telling them in no uncertain term that the nasty comments stop or they won’t be seeing DD at all. If this is the way they’re behaving I also wouldn’t let her go by herself even if she wanted to.

I suspect they have poor social skills and aren’t willing to change. You can’t change someone else’s behaviour only your reaction to it.

That's really unacceptable behaviour from the grandparents. You need to tell them straight and to stop with the passive aggressive comments to the child.

Agree with this. You need to protect your DD.

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to spend time with gp1. Nasty behaviour towards a child. You need to tell them if they carry this on she won't be seeing them at all.

Are the GP1 set his parents?. If so your man needs to have a further word with them. He is key here. How does he get on with them generally these days?.

I would further dial down visits to the GP1 as they are behaving like this; bad behaviour should not be at all rewarded.

What they want isn't necessarily what your DD wants. As she gets older she will want to see friends and do her own thing - not be tied to seeing GPs 'on her own'. Just keep on seeing them as a family, surely that's normal for most families? Don't they want to see you and DH too? I can't imagine it will be much fun for DD as she gets older. Don't make it an issue, just keep on going as a family.

My guess is that the GP1 have spoken to her like this over time hence her understandably now not wanting to spend time there on her own.

The GP1 have made this an issue of their own making precisely by acting in the ways they have done towards an 8 year old.

When I started reading this I thought it was possible you were BU, depending on what your dd's original issues are. I mean if she was complaining she wasn't allowed to stay up late or watch TV or similar - there's an element of their house, their rules that I wouldn't have tolerated from an 8 year old. However their subsequent behaviour is so out of line that I assume the issues were a bit more serious? I think all you can do is keep talking to them and stick to visiting with you for now. Your dd is growing up and will see them for who they are.

They are rude to her and have no consideration for her feelings.

I can see why she doesn't want to be alone with them.

You need to have her back everytime they make a shitty comment.

She doesn't owe them anything.

They def need to “ be more like GP2”.
I try really hard to get it right and hope my grandchildren think I’m GP2 x GP1 are going to cause more issues if it’s not nipped in the bud

This sounds like adults setting adult expectations on a child. I don’t know how to address it to be honest - certainly not as bluntly as some have said. It sounds like this adult is quite insecure in their relationship with DD, simply because they have unrealistic expectations.

Can you do anything with all of you? So the GP can see how relaxed other GP are?

GP 1 sound rude and unpleasant. If they are your partners parents he needs to have a word with them, and please defend her if they make any more snidey comments. I wouldn't allow one on one time with them, no wonder she doesn't want to go. See them as a family or not at all.

They are being rude, selfish and inconsiderate. I think you need to tell them that their snide comments are damaging their relationship with both you and your dd.

You may not be able to "get them to see that their behaviour is making things worse." You've literally explained it to them already. They're grown adults who still think that snide comments and manipulation are the way have a good relationship with somebody.

Honestly, I think that you need to protect your DD from their behaviour. You've seen how they speak to her, even in front of you - and that's already something she shouldn't be exposed to. How do you think they are speaking to her when you're not there to hear? These are definitely not people to leave your DD alone with, and their determination to get her on her own is ringing alarm bells in itself.

Are GP1 your parents or your DH parents?
You or DH need to nip this in the bud right now. IF its your DH parents, let him!
I would not allow my parents or my parents in law speak to my child in such a way.
Pull them up on it immediately.

Well I can see why she doesn't want to spend time with them without you there to stand up for her. I wouldn't be putting any pressure on her to go. And every time they drop another passive aggressive comment I'd pull them up on it straight away.
No one is entitled to spend time with anyone. All relationships take effort on both sides. They seem to be expecting a good relationship with her without putting in the effort to be nice and caring towards her.

I'd be very straight with them and say you don't like the way they are speaking to her and they need to change their approach. They might just have no idea how to relate or talk to her but their attitude is aggressive and needs to change. Re sleepovers etc, they aren't owed anything so your dc has to be happy to play along and shouldn't be bribed by pocket money.

I think you need to address it with GP1 again, using the examples you gave us. That’s no way to speak to anyone, especially a child.

It’s not a surprise your dd is keeping them at arms length.

Gp1's comments are very manipulative and the fact that your daughter has said she finds it uncomfortable shows that she is confident and self aware. Well done to her. I'd ensure future visits are with the whole family so that you can monitor the relationship.

Thank you all for the replies I feel better now knowing I'm not just being over sensitive. Sadly, yes they really do speak to her like that and as much as it's said in jest she's not daft, she can see the comments are barbed. I will say they do love her very much. I just feel like they have an idea of what they want their relationship with her to be like and cant necessarily hide their disappointment when it isn't reciprocated. But

I will speak to them again and I feel justified now in respecting her decision not to spend 1:1 time with them.

I second all the posters that said don’t leave her alone with them. They are trying to manipulate her and Anyway it’s a terrible example to set, people paying her to visit ect. They sound a bit messed up and I’d imagine this dynamic existed with their own kids. Your child not wanting to be alone with them is understandable and says an awful lot too, I would support her fully on this. My own mum is like this but honestly worse, and so she gets no alone time with the kids as I can’t trust her(had the same as a child myself). You sound like a great mum op.

Are they your parents or his?.

I dare say as well they are not speaking in jest either, why did you think this?.

That is absolutely appalling and I would have taken them aside the first time they dared speak to my daughter like that and told them in no uncertain terms that it would never happen again. Or else it would be the last time they would see her.

they sound narcissistic, possessive and borderline abusive

And absolutely no more sleepovers, ever. In fact Im not sure I would even leave her with them unsupervised.