Are grandparents expecting too much?

[darcymaye]

My DD is 8 and has always had a pretty good relationship with both sets of grandparents. (I'll refer to them as GP1 and GP2 for ease). Both sets live locally and we see them both regularly. Usually for an hour or so once a week but with no set routine.

GP1 value 1:1 time with her over anything else. Which my husband and I don't have an issue with. This could be an afternoon at theirs, sleepover, day out or a weekend away. GP2 are more keen to spend time with us as a family and whilst they will babysit if we need them to, any invitations are very much for the 3 of us.

For the past 12 month or so my DD has been reluctant to spend time on her own with GP1. So, we've just politely declined the invitations and she still came with us on the usual weekly visits. We did check with her if there were any issues and she did make a few suggestions. We explained these to GP 1 and she was happy that these were addressed. However because she hasn't suddenly snapped back to wanting to spend time alone with them they've decided this is a major problem.

I've tried explaining that I think they are now putting too much pressure on the situation and the more they ask the more likely it is that they will push her away but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. They've now started to make sly comments too which they can't seem to see is making things worse. E.g

DD said "I'll leave my sweets here and finish them next time I come". The response she got was "Well there's no point in that you never bloody come here".

GP1 "Oh, you have a bank account now. If I give you £5 a month will you come and have a sleepover once a month"

DD sat in the lounge whilst the rest of us are in the kitchen. "Are you going to come in here and speak to us today or what?"

GP2 never expect anything from her. They take her as she is and never make any comments or pass any judgement. If she's chatty one day great, if she's tired from school and wants to play or watch tv in another room that's fine too. They just carry on chatting to us and leave her to it. She's so much more relaxed around them. I want to facilitate a good relationship with both sets of GP. How do I get GP1 to see that their behaviour is making things worse?

What were the issues she told you about?

That's horrible, why are they so mean to her?

It really is a terrible way to speak to a child. But I suspect they’re disappointed that they took on board the things your daughter wanted them to change in order for her to spend time with them again, only for her then not to spend time with them.

To answer the question GP1 are my parents. That's partly why I needed to gain other people's opinions as I wanted to make sure I wasn't projecting my own experiences on to the situation. Thank you all for your feedback it's been good to get an outsider's perspective. I wont comment any further but I will continue to support DD in her decision and make sure she knows we always have her back.

Are they the paternal grandparents by any chance?

Sorry. Cross post.

If that's how they speak to her in front of you, I'd be interested to know how they speak to her on her own.

Goodness if these are your parents it is hard for you - they can’t be easy people to be around.
Your daughter has realised what they’re like and they’ve caused this themselves; I wouldn’t let them be rude and manipulative to her.

My parents are like this all about what my mum wants and my dad is there to make sure she gets it. At 8 my son told me he didn’t like the way grandma treated me. From that day I have never left mine alone with them as I don’t trust them and they have tried a few sneaky things to get alone time with them. Your daughters wishes take priority over theirs good luck x

Sounds really intense and a little bit creepy that they want to see her on her own.

Why?

Why is that so very important to them?

And why aren't her preferences important to them?

I think they really need putting in their place.

The answer is you can't.

I would be pulling them up EVERY time they make a sly comment, literally there and then - that's the only way they'll may be see it.

Dd is getting older and it's probably boring spending time with them.

Gp2 sound much better.

Out of curiosity (I'm nosey) - what were the issues Dd was having?

I have three grandchildren. Girl, 4, doesn't like to be overwhelmed with cuddles and kisses, unless she chooses. Absolutely hates the whole, 'Come to Grandma' thing. When she is comfortable, she can cuddle for Wales. Boy, 2 and a half, limpet. Has to be peeled off me. Girl, 9 months, pretty cuddly. They are people and should be spoken to and respected as such.

It sounds like you already knew the answer but were doubting yourself- probably because they have treated you in a similar way.
You are doing a great job raising an 8yo who trusts you and is capable of expressing herself to you. You are doing the right thing for her by standing up to them and respecting her boundaries and that's also the right thing for you too.
If you are concerned about some blowback just remember you sound like you have an excellent support system in place and you can ask again on here if you are unsure/don't trust your own judgement.
All the best for a happy future.

Them being insistent on spending alone time with her and that being more important than family time tells me that they want a relationship with her that fulfills their needs not hers. For example, maybe they are using her as a ‘do-over’ to compensate for not great parenting of their own children, some unresolved regrets about how they parented, perhaps they want to show off to their friends, present an image of fantastic capable grandparents or to be the ‘favourite’ grandparents. Maybe they are just bored/unfulfilled and want her to fill a gap. The problem with a child being expected to fulfil an adults needs is that they never will because they are their own person. I don’t know what the issues were that you had to address that dd brought up. But I’m guessing it was stuff along the lines of being controlling, wanting her do what they think she should do, maybe they’ve been overly harsh when she’s shown low level misbehaviour/ cheek, being overly critical, teasing in a way dd doesn’t like? Because people like this typically don’t respect others boundaries and push back in passive aggressive ways.
If they have made some attempt to address the issues you’ve raised then that’s good, but from the things they’ve said to DD recently I’m thinking there hasn’t been enough of a change and it’s time for another honest conversation about how they speak to her and how she’s going to need time to trust that they will start improving the way they relate to her

It sounds like they have an image of your DC but not a lot of interest in your DC as she actually is.

Equally they imagine you as a child and not relating to you on an adult to adult level. They think they are better at parenting than you and also can override your requests about your own child.

She's now 8 and presumably has her own likes, dislikes and opinions. Unless GP1 are prepared to enjoy time with their own real grandchild, not the fictional perfect one, I suspect it won't be long before she doesn't even want to come on the weekly visits with you.

Your 8yr old DD is more emotionally mature than your own parents op.
I'm sure you were treated in a similar way and have been conditioned by it somewhat so keep that in mind.

Obviously she has outgrown sleepovers, she is uncomfortable with them, they've made things worse and likely irreversible now with the barbed comments since she's stood up for herself ( what a clever girl she is ) all you can do is have her back and facilitate the contact she does want.

Imagine what's gone on for your daughter to say she didn't want 1:1 time with them anymore!

They sound selfish and horrible. She is a child and does not deserve to be spoken to like that.

#Teamdaughter. She has an old head on young shoulders and knows what is right for her. Be proud she's smart for her age.

If your experiences weren't good then it seems that sadly they haven't changed.

Trying to pay her to sleep over?

I mean wtaf?

That's weird & quite creepy!

gp1 need to see how gp2 act around your daughter and see the difference. invite them all to something together?

Reading your description and replies brought to mind aspects of safeguarding concerns I've seen previously. Has your daughter mentioned anything inappropriate occurring? A sudden reluctance and change in behaviour can be signs of something deeper. Really hoping that's not the case but always something to check for.

Sounds manipulative to me. There is no need for the sly comments. They can see that they are now spending less time with their grandchild. I would highlight sone of their behaviour and explain why it’s wrong and that it needs to stop.

Gp 1 are emotionally black mailing her. I would tell her it's okay to not want to, and it's OK to turn down the sweets/fiver. They're playing games to manipulate your child. That's not on.