Are grandparents expecting too much?

[darcymaye]

My DD is 8 and has always had a pretty good relationship with both sets of grandparents. (I'll refer to them as GP1 and GP2 for ease). Both sets live locally and we see them both regularly. Usually for an hour or so once a week but with no set routine.

GP1 value 1:1 time with her over anything else. Which my husband and I don't have an issue with. This could be an afternoon at theirs, sleepover, day out or a weekend away. GP2 are more keen to spend time with us as a family and whilst they will babysit if we need them to, any invitations are very much for the 3 of us.

For the past 12 month or so my DD has been reluctant to spend time on her own with GP1. So, we've just politely declined the invitations and she still came with us on the usual weekly visits. We did check with her if there were any issues and she did make a few suggestions. We explained these to GP 1 and she was happy that these were addressed. However because she hasn't suddenly snapped back to wanting to spend time alone with them they've decided this is a major problem.

I've tried explaining that I think they are now putting too much pressure on the situation and the more they ask the more likely it is that they will push her away but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. They've now started to make sly comments too which they can't seem to see is making things worse. E.g

DD said "I'll leave my sweets here and finish them next time I come". The response she got was "Well there's no point in that you never bloody come here".

GP1 "Oh, you have a bank account now. If I give you £5 a month will you come and have a sleepover once a month"

DD sat in the lounge whilst the rest of us are in the kitchen. "Are you going to come in here and speak to us today or what?"

GP2 never expect anything from her. They take her as she is and never make any comments or pass any judgement. If she's chatty one day great, if she's tired from school and wants to play or watch tv in another room that's fine too. They just carry on chatting to us and leave her to it. She's so much more relaxed around them. I want to facilitate a good relationship with both sets of GP. How do I get GP1 to see that their behaviour is making things worse?

OP, so how exactly are they loving their grand daughter?

Did your daughter try to tell them not to baby her like that before she told you and said she didn't want to go anymore?

Those nasty comments you mentioned above - this is who the grandparents are. They are not a weak point in their personalities, they are controlling and manipulative and I just wonder if they are doing it in front of you what did they say to your daughter when nobody was there. She's 8 and may not see everything for what it is, but she sure has a gut feel and knows she's not comfortable and it is not safe for her to make her needs known to her grandparents.

I doubt the comments are recent. They are older people, who haven't suddenly changed their way of communicating to manipulation. It is more likely this has been going on for a long time on a micro level and that this is their view of the world if someone doesnt stay in line.

So, which loving person does this to someone they allegedly love?

Im not sure these rather foolish remarks constitute abuse?

They sound a bit lonely and desperate.

My inlaws were a bit like this OP. They put their wants above my own babies / child’s wants at times. They wanted her to sleepover, they wanted to get certain meals for her to eat I.e Chinese takeaway and then get cross that she didn’t like it. They just had set ideas about what they wanted to happen and sometimes DD didn’t want to do that. It was really hard and I just had to be firm and come to a compromise between the two. It all changed as she got older.

OP - whose parents are they and what was the childhood experience of that parent ? If they are like that with you present they are worse without . If they’re your parents then you know what they are like . If they are DHs does he see a pattern . My own DM was troubled - she was never left alone with my DC

I can't STAND comments like that. My inlaws make it to my DSC. It's disgusting

May not be abusive but it's damaging.

that does not excuse their behaviour towards the child...also the OP mentioned that she was treated similarly when she was a child.

@Rubbishconfession it is abusive.

Your instincts are right, OP. Their behaviour towards her sounds negative and controlling. Which explains why she wants to stop seeing them on her own. Give your DD tons of praise for being honest with you about this, stick to your guns about seeing GP1 as a family, and call them out on all the snarky comments.

She is getting older and, while seeing grandparents two or three times a week might have worked well when she was little, you will find her wanting to spend more time with her friends and less time with grandparent as she gets older. They need to let her grow up and not try to hold onto the past. They alee at I need to put their snipey comments away. They aren’t helping themselves. Maybe they could take her and a friend on an outing in the holidays, but only if they aren’t too controlling.

The smothering and pressure to be who they want her to be rather than herself would be terribly off-putting.

They're actively hurting their relationship with her. I hope someone can talk some sense into them.

Good on your DD for sticking up for herself. I always think it's a bit odd when GP push for time alone myself.

We have our 8 Yr grandaughter once a fortnight overnight. 👧🏼

Take her on mini breaks and days out. 🚗 🎡

She has had this routine since birth only the last two years went from weekly to fortnightly. 🗓️

She asks to come more often but we have work and social plans. 💼 📅

We have 3 other gc. 👧🏼👦🏼👶🏼

One lives far away so weekly facetime then a couple of special days out. 📱🚗

Her mother prefers her parents to take the responsibility of having her overnight. 🤷🏻‍♀️

And the other two just come for visits with parents as they are young babies. 👶🏼🍼

I used to get offended by 2nd gc's mother not allowing close contact but it's her baby her rules , we've had our children this is our time now. 🙅🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Unless we are needed we would drop anything for them. ❤️

I was extremely close with my own gp, my kids were close to my parents , they see gd from time to time but gm they aren't interested in as she never bothered with them when they were little,

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#GrandparentLife #FamilyTime #LoveMyGrandkids