Are grandparents expecting too much?

[darcymaye]

My DD is 8 and has always had a pretty good relationship with both sets of grandparents. (I'll refer to them as GP1 and GP2 for ease). Both sets live locally and we see them both regularly. Usually for an hour or so once a week but with no set routine.

GP1 value 1:1 time with her over anything else. Which my husband and I don't have an issue with. This could be an afternoon at theirs, sleepover, day out or a weekend away. GP2 are more keen to spend time with us as a family and whilst they will babysit if we need them to, any invitations are very much for the 3 of us.

For the past 12 month or so my DD has been reluctant to spend time on her own with GP1. So, we've just politely declined the invitations and she still came with us on the usual weekly visits. We did check with her if there were any issues and she did make a few suggestions. We explained these to GP 1 and she was happy that these were addressed. However because she hasn't suddenly snapped back to wanting to spend time alone with them they've decided this is a major problem.

I've tried explaining that I think they are now putting too much pressure on the situation and the more they ask the more likely it is that they will push her away but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. They've now started to make sly comments too which they can't seem to see is making things worse. E.g

DD said "I'll leave my sweets here and finish them next time I come". The response she got was "Well there's no point in that you never bloody come here".

GP1 "Oh, you have a bank account now. If I give you £5 a month will you come and have a sleepover once a month"

DD sat in the lounge whilst the rest of us are in the kitchen. "Are you going to come in here and speak to us today or what?"

GP2 never expect anything from her. They take her as she is and never make any comments or pass any judgement. If she's chatty one day great, if she's tired from school and wants to play or watch tv in another room that's fine too. They just carry on chatting to us and leave her to it. She's so much more relaxed around them. I want to facilitate a good relationship with both sets of GP. How do I get GP1 to see that their behaviour is making things worse?

If they make comments like that in your presence, I’d infer that they are euqally controlling and critical (ok, nasty) when you are not there… hence she doesn’t want to spend time with them. Kids can be very astute and it seems as though she is distressed by time with them. I would be very clear that their behaviour and comments are the issue and that she will not be coming to visit alone any more.

I am going to infer they are DH’s parents, so maybe you need to talk to him about their behaviour and whether, in fact, this is how he remembers his childhood, with the snide, undercutting remarks. If needed, go low contact unless he is present.

Relationships with GPs are great when they’re good, but they aren’t obligatory.

"reflecting your own experiences" Says it all really

no they are the OP's parents

My DM behaves like GP1 and as a result DD wants nothing to do with her. DD is an adult now but even as child she was relutant to spend time alone with DM. So she didn't, as I was aware off my mums behaviour.

The sad thing is my mum doesn't see her behaviour as wrong even when advised and if she changed her behaviour to be kind she would have a lovely relationship with grand daughter and her daughter.

Oops, I must have missed a follow on update. Then, as OP, I’d be telling them to buck up or back off, I’m afraid. I’d guess that they probably behaved like this with her, but she may have not noticed/realised how toxic it was until seeing her own child. We often don’t as we think those interactions are normal.

I think it’s great, though, that OPs DD has a strong and open relationship with her mum such that she has felt able to tell her she is uncomfortable with GP1. Sounds as though any toxic parenting cycles have been broken and she is a great and responsive mum.

My DP would send DC to their second lounge to watch tv “so the adults can chat”.
she’d said to me what’s the point of me coming with you one day as I’m shipped off to the tv lounge and grandad gets grumpy if I come and sit with you.

so I stopped taking her. DP was a bit “what?!” But I just pointed out my DC had a valid point. My dad was NC with his parents and I told him if he continued to act that way then he was at risk of my DC going non contact with him (that woke him up a lot).

My parents headed down that route.
Interestingly as my kids got older, I started to have more reliable memories of being parented by them and it was quite hard seeing them trying to 'parent' my daughter in a similar way.
I take huge delight in not parenting in their 'under my roof' , passive aggressive way.
My now teen kids understandably have very little interest in my parents because they have very little interest in them as individuals just teen shaped objects to lecture at.
My mum is also the centre of the universe which has become quite hilarious.
So say teen is off to go to a big deal once in lifetime event.
And I previously saved up and went to in teen years.
My mum will claim she always wanted to do that having previously never supported me at the time or encouraged or indeed taken any effort to do something similar later in life.

I would think about your teen years and maybe that will help you come to peace that future relationship may not be perfect.

GP relationships can get so tricky as the children grow and become their own people. My DS is also 8 and had a great relationship with both as a toddler and small child, but he’s a pretty moody pre-teen at the moment and I can see it gets to some of the GPs. They are never bloody rude though!

It sounds like you’ve had a tricky parent/daughter relationship already OP so unlikely your DPs will change. I would be breezy but clear - no wonder she doesn’t want to come if that’s how you speak to her.

I am shocked that your parents think it appropriate to buy time with your DD.

I'm not sure I see this as quite as black and white as some people.

To be clear, the GPs were rude and unacceptable in what they said, and that's awful, but I also don't think your daughter's behaviour is great.

If a grandparent comes over, I'm not saying that the child should stick to them like a limpet but equally I don't think it's right for them to go into another room and watch tv either.

When the grandparents come over, we turn the tv off. They may come in and out to play, but wouldn't stay in another room. If they went off and didn't want to come and spend some time together, I'd personally consider that quite rude.

In offering to take her out, or for a sleepover, then your parents are likely trying to give you a break as well - opportunity for an evening out, a lie in, child-free day etc. I don't see anything untoward in this - they get quality time with GC, you get a break. I think that's why many parents suggest taking the GCs out.

What were the issues that you had to speak to the GP about? And when you say they were resolved, but your daughter still didn't want to spend time 1-2-1 with them, what happened.

If it was that they were rude to her, then I get why she isn't keen to resume that time together. If it's that they were struggling with being age appropriate (ie treating her too young) or something like that, then given you've had a word, I can't see why it hasn't resumed.

Just to be clear I'm happy there's no sinister motives or safeguarding issues. They really do love her dearly. They we're devastated when they thought they'd done something to upset her.

The problem she had before was she felt they still treated her like a baby. Still cutting up her food for her, physically putting her coat on, telling her to be careful on stairs, constantly checking do you want a drink, anything to eat etc. They were overwhelming her. At home she's used to things being much more relaxed, getting herself a drink when she wants (one obviously asking for help if needed). If we're headed out, one of us may prompt her and say grab your coat but not physically put her in it. So it's a complete contrast to what she's used to.

The comments are only recent as it seems they can't hide their disappointment that things haven't gone back to the way they were. I just think they have an image of what they think their relationship should be and are upset its not meeting those expectations. I don't feel they are necessarily considering what she wants out of it.

She really isn't a rude kid, in fact we have the opposite problem as by nature she puts everyone else before herself. We've spent the best part of her school years trying to teach her that as long as she's not mean or rude it's perfectly fine to say no to people.

Did your parents treat you the same as a child?. Small wonder your daughter now has got fed up with them because she’s been helicoptered by your parents.

what i was thinking my gp 2 MIL is such a narcissist they want everything all about them all the time my GP never had the chance to see their grandkids they are older now but the last 20 years have been a nightmare bribery nasty comments at myself behind my back normally missed all of that his gp took over i do not think sometimes they now how childish behavior is all about me attitude let the child decide share it if possible might be jealousy or something else hurt feelings on the grandma being left out not nice being isolated

Babying is pretty normal from grandparents, they can often be slower to adapt to GC growing than parents are - partly because they are naturally more cautious, and partially because they don't see them as much.

The things you mention shouldn't be a big deal as it's more a communication thing than anything - it's sad if they are interfering with the relationship she has with them, and I do think it's something as a parent you can help smooth over.

When my parents baby or are overly cautious, I just say "dad, she can do it herself" though I do let some stuff go, or my children will say similar if it's annoying them. It sounds as if your daughter doesn't feel able to say anything and avoids them instead.

My eldest is a year younger than yours, so the same age as when this kicked off. Some kids her age are really 'old' - independent, barely play with toys any more (😕), get their own drinks, make their own breakfast etc. Then others (like my daughter) really, really isn't, and if very much still a 'little child'. We are still very much getting her a drink if she's thirsty, brushing her hair, and doing a lot of 'care'. She only learned how to use the remote control last week! (but it's academically v good, just not independent).

It's a really hard age to judge, and I think maybe your daughter (and you) should cut your parents a bit of slack about this.

It sounds as if because they got it wrong about a year ago, your daughter has decided she just doesn't want to spend that time with them any more. That's quite sad if the relationship was good before.

The one thing that's missing in all this is good YOU feel about what's happened. I'd feel really sad if that happened in my family, and works be trying to arrange some graduates/easy times together to ease the relationship back in. But that's because I see what both my children and parents get from that close relationship. But that probably depends on your relationship with your parents as well.

They clearly aren't going about things the right way with trying to blackmail or bribe your daughter back into seeing them. If it's recent, then it's probably more out of exasperation than anything, but that still doesn't excuse it.

As much as your DD explained the issues she had with you, and these seem to be addressed, my suspicion is that they always made these sly comments and that was part of what made he feel uncomfortable. What they got away with saying when she was small and didn’t understand isn’t necessarily going to fly now she’s growing up. People remember how you made them feel, and I agree with the other replies, your DD definitely needs to be put first here x

GP1 is rude, disrespectful and unreasonable. Your dd is completely justified in not wanting to go over there.

The next time they ask, tell them exactly why she doesn't want to. GP1 needs to hear it.

If they're talking to her like that when you're there, imagine when you're not! Doesn't take much to see why your daughter doesn't want to spend any alone time with them.

They sound really awful tbh and possibly my unable to see how toxic their behaviour is.

your daughters instincts are right to not want to be alone with them. I can imagine she must feel very uneasy around them.

you are not being unreasonable at all. Stay strong!

Hold tight for your daughter from the age of 10 I didn’t want to live with my mother she was just like this but I had no choice and nobody ( including my dad ) on my side

Literally could have written this post about my 3 yo and her GPs. She’s with who you’d refer to as GP1s twice a week on her own until she starts school nursery in September but I sense this exact situation will start for us too very soon. Obviously we’re grateful for their help and it saves us hundreds of pounds but she hates going to their house on her own and it kills me sending her!

So sorry I’ve no advice but wanted you to know you aren’t alone!

Is there middle ground? Perhaps activity they could take dc to or class/hobby. One day a week for tea after school.

I wouldn't allow any unsupervised contact with adults who can't prioritise a dc's emotional needs regardless of your dc's wishes! Clearly they are suitable to have sole care.

Being paid to visit them is pretty gross.

I agree with all the replies. I had something similar with my ex in laws who insisted on having my two boys on a set day/evening every week even though they knew neither of my boys wanted to be there. They see and hear very little of them now and haven't done for a number of years. Children grow up and want to be with their friends and do their own thing and I did warn my ex in laws this would happen and that I wouldn't push them to see them if they didn't want to. My parents were never like that and have a great relationship with my boys even now and they are grown up (22 & 19). If they aren't able to get to see their grandparents they ring or message them once or twice a week just to check in and catch them up with their news or to make arrangements to see them when they come home.

We have been through a very similar situation.
My in laws, particularly step FIL was really putting my DS down- started when he was about 11 but he was aware of the tone of such comments. It got to the point that DS started asking to come home early from theirs or not wanting to go at all. DS was made out to be the problem but MIL would say things to him like 'you're just like your father'.
Then iy turned to younger DD and fil telling her one year, two days before Xmas that santa wasn't real (whilst we weren't there) and then both in laws making out our two were lying.
We ended up making to decision to take a step back from contact with them as it was having an impact on, particularly DS mental health.
I have to say it has been lovely not have to worry about any comments, digs etc and the kids have been much happier.
As they were my in laws, DH took to lead with managing communicating this to them.