Is your DH/DP the best you ever had?

[Sprinklesandsprinkles]

In bed!

We have a great marriage- he's my best friend, we laugh together, want the same out of life, amazing DC, financially in a great position and looks like we'll be set for a great retirement together too.

But he's so far from the best I've had! And as much as we can work on things I really don't think we'll ever get to that point. We have spoken about it (we just have different tastes/wants) and would much rather end up with a sexless marriage than break up an otherwise great thing.

I've had some amazing sex that I find myself thinking about, but with guys who would never be good long term partners. So I'm not looking to be told it ok to leave him etc but I'm just checking surely I can't be the only one?!

As this is mumsnet I wonder if I'll be told this means I don't actually have a happy marriage but surely not all long term partners are having their mind blown in the sack, how many unicorn men are out there 😂

Most will say they do but the reality will be very different. A lot of women tend to marry safe men so it’s no surprise when they find the sex to be a bit less than exciting too. Safe men tend to make better parents and stay around longer but they can be a bit dull. My best friend married a man who by her own admittance she doesn’t really fancy that much and they rarely have sex due to this. She had over 100 fellas before she met him so he wasn’t ever going to be her best experience as she targeted him as she wanted to settle down and have kids and he felt safe. He was loaded though so they have a big house; private school for kids etc. all things she wanted in life.

Oh Jesus no.

Happily married mum of two here with a sensible man.

He will never fling me about or fuck me like my psychotic ex.

However, he will also never try to ruin my life sooo..

Mine actually is, but mainly because we’ve worked on it together and know exactly what the other likes/wants, and because we trust each other enough to be open about it. I never really got to that stage of honestly with previous partners.

Isn't part of it that feeling of desire and being desired though? The trouble is that monogamy and bringing up children, owning a house, day to day life Is always going to kill the excitement of ripping eachother's clothes off and spending hours on foreplay.
You could be living with Ryan Gosling or Penelope Cruz and just hearing them moaning about gravy granules or smelling their post shit aroma or watching them make a complete mess of trying to put a car seat in a hire care would at least deny any passion. That's just life.

Mine is and I thank my lucky stars A LOT!

But, as @Youdontevengohere says, it's because we're both on the same page in terms of what we like / don't like, both have a similar sex drive and are completely open and honest with each other. Also, I fancy the pants off him - more than I ever have done with any of my previous partners - even years down the line! We're very tactile and affectionate around the house and will always give the other one a quick kiss / bum squeeze when we're walking past. It isn't much but makes a huge difference to feeling desired.

I know plenty of women who don't fancy their partners and a few who actually don't even like their DP / DH touching them. How on earth can you enjoy sex when you feel like that about someone?!

"We have spoken about it (we just have different tastes/wants) and would much rather end up with a sexless marriage than break up an otherwise great thing."

@Sprinklesandsprinkles I would say that if you're both genuinely happy to have a sexless marriage then that's absolutely fine. However I'm getting the sense from your post (and the fact you posted at all!) that you're not actually happy with this arrangement... Are you actually saying that you're ok with never having sex again?

Couldn’t of said it better myself 😂

Yes by a million miles and yes I had plenty of fun prior to him with which to compare.

Shallow as I am, I chose him purely for attraction. But that was before online dating, I just pulled him on a night out. We were relatively young so no pressure to find someone suitable. It was only chance that we worked so well on every other level too.

There have been crap periods however. Antidepressants, hormonal contraception, and breastfeeding all stopped my libido at various points. But he was patient, is a talker not a brooder, and more than pulls his weight.

Honestly neither of us were expecting it to just keep getting better and better, especially not as we approached middle age. But it has.

@suntannedsnowballsinhellskitchensink 🤣 exactly this! What I'd give for him to fling me round give me a good seeing to but he just doesn't have that in him!

@Starlight1979 you lucky lady!! I love physical things like that but my DH doesn't. We do fancy each other, I certainly fancy him and would love to just jump him randomly but it's not his thing. Things aren't sexless at the moment, but yes I wouldn't want to give up what we have for great sex- that seems like a mad concept to me. When I'm in an especially horny patch though it's hard not to keep thinking about the amazing sex I've had which obviously means I keep thinking about another guy which doesn't feel right.

Do you mind me asking how old you are @Sprinklesandsprinkles ?

I totally get where you're at. I've been there in a previous relationship. Until in the end (10 years down the line) I had to end it because I was craving intimacy and sex and just wasn't getting it. As soon as I met DP, I realised how important it was to me and how much I missed it. But with my ex, I said for years that I was "fine" with it. Until I wasn't.

Yes.

Yes. Dated a serious of gorgeous men and beefy rowers, pilots etc in my 20/30 most of whom I had fantastic sex with.

currently 50 - I was in love with my boyfriend after lots of dating before we slept together. I fancied the pants of him. Was worried the sex wouldn’t match the rest of our relationship as it is so good - but the first time we slept together he made me orgasm like I had never orgasmed before. What that man can do with his hands never mind anything else. Omg. I thought that part of me was dead and buried - it turns out I have more sexual life left in me than my 20s. I love snogging him or holding his had but get his pants off and I’m melted butter - never been more turned on in my life.

Yes, but that's the beauty of second marriages. We both had kids in previous relationships so ours hasn't had those periods of drudgery you get with small children and we have time for just us when kids are with their other parents.

Highly recommended 😆

No he's not @Sprinklesandsprinkles. I fancy him and he fancies me and when we have sex (not as often as I'd like) I really enjoy it but it's not the best I've ever had. But then the "best I ever had" was wrapped up in a certain time and place and a "relationship" that was wholly focussed on sex. My DH can't hope to compete with that!

@Starlight1979 I'm early 30s. We've been together around 10 years, married for 5. So good you have the best of both now! Like @Blendeddogs we dated for a while before I slept with him. I'd just come away from a friend with benefits who was so good in bed but bad news and sex didn't feel like the top priority to me.

If it goes the way it did with you @Starlight1979 I feel that I wouldn't change anything because we're currently very happy and obviously I wouldn't have DC without him who is my world! If we did break up down the line the one thing I'd look forward to would be potential for amazing sex again! But at the moment the idea of throwing all of what we have away for it just seems mad to me and not at all tempting to go through with.

Wow, only early 30s.

My DH is the best I’ve been with (only been two) but he has some sexual interests that I don’t enjoy. Our sex life isn’t great at the moment but when he’s on form he’s amazing.

The second guy was a monumental mistake and the sex definitely wasn’t worth it.

Hopefully things will just get better between you over time.

But I heard somewhere that the same person who gives you security is very unlikely to be the same person who can give you that excitement.

@StoneColdAlibi sounds like you have a great set up 🤣

@NCGrandParent that's such a good point and what I was wondering what people might say, best you ever had doesn't mean it was a good relationship or anything more. They might be incredible in the sack but do they all do the washing without being told and cook your dinner etc 😄

I think so, I haven't had many omg they are incredible experiences though tbh. 😂 I think I'm more adventurous and he's happy with the standard so sometimes I feel a bit bored but I'm trying to work on speaking about it more and trying to switch things up a bit as tbh it's just as much my job as his and I do sometimes think he should be a mind reader and just ravage me 😂

But I heard somewhere that the same person who gives you security is very unlikely to be the same person who can give you that excitement.

Absolutely, categorically not true! You can absolutely have someone who is loyal and makes you feel safe and secure, works hard, is committed to family life, treats you well AND is amazing in bed!

I actually think that adds to the levels of attractiveness and desire???

Agreed.

@Starlight1979 I do believe this must be true for some people! The question is how many people give up a good thing in search of this and lost everything

@Sprinklesandsprinkles with your OH is it mainly a sex drive difference or is his ‘technique’ not very good, or both?

Surely rather you having to give up everything you want and like there should be some compromise. Is he aware how unfulfilled you feel with your sex life?

Sorry edited as posted too soon!

I don't think that's a very healthy way to look at it @Sprinklesandsprinkles

I ended it with my ex for a number of reasons but one of them being our (non existent) sex life. I didn't end the relationship to go in search of it elsewhere though. I just decided I wasn't happy and there must be more to life. My ex did actually agree so it was pretty mutual but still difficult nonetheless.

And as it was I did happen to find the right person for me (unexpectedly!) and now I know the decision I made back then - no matter how hard it was - was the right one.

I have read your posts a couple of times and I definitely think at some point you're going to leave your DP / DH. This quote did it for me

"If we did break up down the line the one thing I'd look forward to would be potential for amazing sex again! But at the moment the idea of throwing all of what we have away..."

You're either happy in a relationship or you're not... If you're not then end it. And just be single. And maybe you will find the right person, but maybe not.

If you are happy then I really don't think you'd be questioning it this much, sorry 😕

I would say DH is one of the best but the difference is that I love him on all levels. We haven’t “ done the deed” for a few years as I was finding it very painful ( the joys of menopause) & I have been struggling with my physical health generally for the last 4 years. It’s something we really need to talk about as I do miss making love. He’s very affectionate & tactile but not one for full on snogs which I also found great in some of my previous partners. Kissing can be as good as if not better than sex I think.

I think if you find both great in bed plus decent loving guy who makes you laugh and pulls his weight then you've hit the jackpot.
Sadly many of the ones who know how to fuck well are also dominant, egotistical, aggressive in non sex life. The ones you have to worry about cheating, them being promiscuous is usually why they got so good

The better partners are the calmer males a lot of the time.
We can't always have everything! A man who can only bring the aggressor out in the bedroom and leave him there is a gem. I know some women have them though

Met someone who fit perfectly with me emotionally, made my heart full, but sexually just... nah. He doesn't know how to do it, and can't seem to learn