Is your DH/DP the best you ever had?

[Sprinklesandsprinkles]

In bed!

We have a great marriage- he's my best friend, we laugh together, want the same out of life, amazing DC, financially in a great position and looks like we'll be set for a great retirement together too.

But he's so far from the best I've had! And as much as we can work on things I really don't think we'll ever get to that point. We have spoken about it (we just have different tastes/wants) and would much rather end up with a sexless marriage than break up an otherwise great thing.

I've had some amazing sex that I find myself thinking about, but with guys who would never be good long term partners. So I'm not looking to be told it ok to leave him etc but I'm just checking surely I can't be the only one?!

As this is mumsnet I wonder if I'll be told this means I don't actually have a happy marriage but surely not all long term partners are having their mind blown in the sack, how many unicorn men are out there 😂

My DH is like this and I knew I was lucky but I didn’t realise it was really rare?

I’m surprised at some of the comments to be honest, I can’t imagine settling for mediocre sex for the rest of my life. Marriage means you only get to shag one person so they need to be bloody good and meeting all your needs!

@Starlight1979 I'm just realistic that I know things don't always last forever. If I finished with him now it would literally only be because of the sex, which is different to your situation.

@Inthedeep so what he's into isn't actually "sexual", I don't want to give the details here but think foot fetish type thing. So it really turns him on and he loves it, but partaking does literally nothing for me. I want to be tossed around and to be really physical, he's tried for me but it's just not his thing so it's no good and I find it more frustrating than not trying.

@RabbitsRock I agree the emotional side makes it better. In fact the one I think of am the best I've had is actually the second best, but because we had an emotional connection it elevates the experience to me. I promise I don't go around rankings men but you know what I mean!

To this day the best I ever had ended up being the most insane man I ever met (and well hidden for a long time.)

@Disturbia81 I feel like this must be really common too! Not so many gentlemen on the streets who are freaks in the sheets!

Once you hit a certain level of maturity surely the good guy is who you want even if he doesn't rock your world.

I've been really lucky, I had a one night stand, had amazing sex and went back for more! He is such a great husband, dad, housekeeper and we just have such a laugh together, I just love being in his company. The sex is still great, I'm lucky his back is still strong 30 years later as he is still flinging me around!

@Bessiethevan that is brilliant! What do you tell people at dinner parties when they ask how you met 🤣

@Sprinklesandsprinkles ok it’s more difficult if it involves a fetish which does nothing for you 😬. Does he still want sex if it doesn’t involve this fetish? Would you consider talking to a couples sex therapist? I get that when he’s tried to be more hands on with you it hasn’t been overly successful, is that because he’s scared of hurting you or he just doesn’t have skills? Both could hopefully be worked on with a lot of time and effort.

It just seems such a shame to let this side of things flounder when other areas are great. It would be awful if in time one or both of you grow resentful and that causes cracks within the marriage.

@Sprinklesandsprinkles he might not ever end up being the best you’ve ever had, but surely you want someone who can still rock your world so to speak.

He absolutely is - but in our relationship sex is the effect of a broader structure we have in our life together; it is also perhaps a bit unconventional - but we still make each other deliriously happy.

@Inthedeep he can't fake the passion and doesn't have the skills. He needs to have an element of this thing most times, we try to do a combo but it always falls short for me. He's great at going down on me but he really hates it so I don't make him. There was a post recently about a guy wanting a BJ every time and she hated it, oral really isn't something you can ask of someone if they dislike it.

There's a glimmer of hope as he's been trying more for me recently and he's getting a lot better at a small part! But I honestly just can't see that we'll ever achieve my ideal sex. I've asked in passing is he's ever seen a sex therapist and he wouldn't want to. But if I get to the point where this would break our marriage it would probably be the best suggestion to push in place of couples counseling

@YaWeeFurryBastard I agree but wish it was easier to find! I know you can "train" someone over time to be better but it's hard when they don't have it naturally

It might be same for men too, I've often heard the best women in bed are the ones with mental health issues and aggressive personalities and they don't make good partners, but think a lot of men seperate women into madonna whore complex

I hope it is ok to ask you a broader question OP - what is the archetypical structure of your relationship? In other words, what is the glue that keeps you together?

Both my OH and me are quite spiritual/adminy/like clear leadership structures - bringing those elements into our relationship and making them clearer has also improved our sex life.

What I am trying to say is it may be worth to look at the 'bigger picture' behind what you call 'this thing' - there may be more overlaps that you can imagine at first sight.

It’s been not very good since day one, really. We don’t do it very often nowadays. Had plenty of great sex before I was married… Lots of bad sex too! Menopausal now, I don’t really care!

@BellaDelBosco we have the same sense of humor, both caring people, we just generally love spending time together and have been ready for marriage and DC at the same time

@Sprinklesandsprinkles

But I honestly just can't see that we'll ever achieve my ideal sex.

And would you be ok with that?

I love my partner but the sex has always awful and boring. Probably the clueless man I have ever had sex with. I have given up trying to tell him what I like and just put up with boring formulaic stuff. About as vainly and predictable as you could get .

No.

@Starlight1979 I would which is why I married him! Doesn't stop me thinking about good sex but it's not bringing down my happiness in other areas of my life/marriage.

If everyone thought about their ideal partner surely there are things that they don't like/aren't fulfilled but the rest balances out? Such guys that can't get by without being given a shopping list, can't do any DIY, gets blind drunk too often, hobbies take up too much time etc etc.

Same here! One night stand after a drunken night out (INCREDIBLE sex!), we both played it down for a while, kept chatting but also keeping our guard up a bit, saying we didn't want anything serious etc... A few weeks later he turned up on my doorstep, told me he was in love with me and has never left 😂

Obviously there have been ups and downs like all relationships and we've been through really hard times together but the core of our relationship is pretty solid. He's my best friend, he's completely dependable, hard working, loving, thoughtful, daft as anything and I fancy him as much today as I did that first night - probably more!

I know I'm lucky and I know it might be rare (we've all had relationships in the past where one or several parts didn't function properly!) but yes it is possible to have a brilliant sex life and a great, functional and healthy relationship.

As above arguing over socks on the floor will kill the passion in any relationship.

Mine is below average.

But would the mind blowing ONS's make good long term partners? Prob not!

I'm kind of the opposite. Someone that's good for the fun stuff but a crap DP!

Not by a long way

God no, he’s nowhere near the best! He’s respectable and reliable, he works hard and provides for his DC, he’s funny and kind. But he’s not handsome or sexy, I don’t fancy him and never did. He’s not assertive enough to give a woman good sex, his weakness and submissiveness is a huge turn off.

My ex was sexy and assertive and he gave me butterflies in my tummy. But he wasn’t reliable and I couldn’t trust him or build a life with him. So I settled for a good stable guy because I was at the age where stability for raising kids was my priority.

I don’t regret it. It’s not like the alternative as to have a great life and enjoy great sex in a stable relationship with my ex. I’d be crying and raising my kids as a single mum, that’s the realistic alternative.

Eeeeh I struggle to transfer those to sex I must admit!

With a group of female friends who have similar relationship interests we have started a book club, we have read books generally on relationship but next month we will be reading a book on sex, it's called The Erotic blueprint - I will keep you posted if it has positive effects :)

@Miriad I feel like that's exactly the risk of being taking if I finished this relationship, who knows if you'd need another good guy who you want to share your life with.

Surely there would be outcry if a woman posted on here that a great relationship had been finished because her guy thought she was bad in bed!