Polyamorous Relationship

[ohnoohnoohnoohno]

Hi,

I've met an amazing guy. He's been very open in telling me he is in a polyamorous relationship. He lives with a woman but wants me to be his girlfriend.

Has anyone experienced this? How did it go?

It's not for me but my sister was in a polyamorous relationship. He lived with his girlfriend and my sister went and stayed at wknds. I don't get it at all but each to their own. Just do what makes you happy.

@ohnoohnoohnoohno

My take too on your mumsnet thread Op dilemma or and question 🤔

Is allways reflect take mental note based on your inuitive aspects of who you are ,

Your inuitive side of yourself is there for bloody good reason to protect you from potential harm and as internal guidance tool..

I really appreciate the comments, definitely giving me food for thought.

Part of the appeal is that I've been cheated on by exH then long term partner. There's a part of me that thinks at least I know what's on the table with this!!

But I think you're all right, I will probably develop feelings for him then feel sad I'm not number 1 in his life.

I was going to ask if you are contemplating trying this because you find the idea interesting or because you are interested in him.

As you’ve said you prefer monogamy, giving polyamory a go because you are interested in him will probably end in tears. Your tears.

I’m wondering if you are thinking that his partner can’t mean that much to him if he wants another girlfriend and that he might fall for you and choose you and monogamy.

I think you’ll have a much more enjoyable time with a man who shares your preference from the start.

Don't do it, it's self worth suicide.
Be kinder to your heart and say no.

You have to actively want to make your life more difficult, more complicated, more embarrassing, with vast pools of emotional deadness and boredom.

And I suspect the people who claim to love it also feel like this at times.

I truly don't understand it. Your partner is shagging other people, they can drop you at any time for someone else. What on earth is the appeal?

If you want a relationship then no. If you're just looking for a shag then it's probably perfect. But it doesn't sound as if he would want that considering he said girlfriend.

So no.

Ew.

Avoid.

Polygamous means marrying them. Polyamorous just means a (hopefully) loving involvement.

At least one PP has made it work for them but honestly I tend to think relationships are complicated (or, ideally, fulfilling) enough without throwing other partners into the mix!

"Part of the appeal is that I've been cheated on by exH then long term partner. There's a part of me that thinks at least I know what's on the table with this!! "

Oh no no no!

It's worth working on yourself, your boundaries and looking for a man who's decent. Get to know someone first before thinking about a relationship,

Hi Op I would seriously seriously give this some thought before you do anything I will share my experience with you but not many people in real life know the ins and outs as it really did fuck my life up for a time.
I knew the couple and we had been great friends for a while my marriage broke down and I was medically very poorly, They were extremely supportive, always about and available ,helping with the kids who knew them. We talked it all through before taking the step I saw 2 great people who I really cared about and them for me and they were fond of my children and vice versa that's where the good stops.

At first I had to stop being intimate at the same time with them as if he and I were seen to be doing anything for more than 10 seconds she would cause a war. One day one initiated and I said no I can't do this with you both anymore and that was the last time we were intimate as a 3.
I tried really hard to talk things through with her we looked at poly websites together and she was happy and relaxed but as soon as you threw him in the mix she was all kinds of crazy , this should have been my cue to leave it but I didn't.
Things went really bad for them both and they were being investigated for fraud long story but I should have listened to my gut and not thought they are good people why are people out to get them. This should have been my cue to leave but I didn't.
They got jobs at the same place and one evening we were talking about Christmas parties and how would that work.they said they should only go together as people wouldn't understand, I got angry because I felt I was being hidden , this should have been my cue to leave but I didn't.
They needed to leave the immediate area due to above alleged fraud I was convinced by these lovely caring 2 to give up my beautiful 4 bed social housing and rent with them in New location, when moving I was encouraged to distance myself from close friends and close down my social media in case people found them, This op again should have been my cue to leave.
I moved with them and within 6 weeks they fabricated an argument one of many where 2 people were constantly telling me it was my fault and they rented a flat 150 meters away. That should have been yet another cue but I didn't.
The following year was a crazy cycle of jealously, her drinking binges and her drink driving and from both ,jealousy. Both jealous of the other spending time with me my mental health had been shot at this point. It should have been my cue to go but yep you guessed it I clung on.
I found out he has made up a massive lie and this changed for me our whole friendship,relationship as I was ex forces and AFAIK he was and had so many stories reality was he hadn't got past basic training and that's when I actually called it a day with him. I was on 150 mg on sertraline at this point because they had convinced me I had ptsd from the army and insisted on coming to the doctor with me to speak on my behalf.
2 months later she drunk drove through a wall in a bid to kill herself and I couldn't look at her the same, I hate drink drivers and that's when I called it a day. But I still had to get away.
At this point I was on the verge of a breakdown and they still wouldn't leave me alone any friends I made I would walk in their house one day and she would be sat there. Constant calls constant attempted visits I had nothing left. I spoke with social services and my youngest 2 went to stay with a family for a while because I just couldn't function I didn't want them to see me like that. At this time I had nothing left I went to a pub and drank and drank and woke up in hospital. Whilst in hospital I found a house back in our old area scraped the money together and got the fuck out of there. There's a lot to unpack there but that's my experience.
I was terrified of being with anyone ever again , I got my children back and we started to rebuild absolutely everything. Bit by bit I got rid of everything from that house as i just associated it with that time each time I looked at it.
When I got with my now husband I nearly blocked him at the just talking stage and had a light bulb moment of wow no it's just him and it will just be the 2 of us no craziness so we stated very slowly dating.
My story is ery extreme I get it but I'll hedge a bet I won't be the only one, I'll also say if everyone is one the same page it can work. Think long and hard op don't be naive like me it could cost you everything x

The thing is, your children don't have a choice do they?

You can say that about anything though.

Not for me sorry and even if it was I wouldn't enter into it without meeting the other woman first and speaking to her about how she feels.

@Soubriquet

How 🤔 did long term female partner enter the poly relationship equation then?

How old is female partner then?

Is long term partner quite open to other people in her and your lives about that she is in quite quirky unausaul kind of relationship then?
What have the reactions been about this kind of relationship arrangement then?

Or
Is it something you prefer to be quiet and discreet about ?
So people who know yourselves think you are just good friends then?

Is it like friends with benefits type of relationship with long term female partner with you and her husband then?

Have you met her folks then her family then ?

How did that go?

I'd question his relationship with his current dw /dp. Is she dating others too? Do they think another partner will enhance their relationship and make them stronger? Is their relationship sexless, and he is looking to find it elsewhere, either with or without her blessing ? Is their relationship one of convenience, are they together for financial reasons, or theri kids?

What people opt to do in their sexual relationships is up to them but moving your three way partner into your home and having your children call her mom is sorts of fucked up. But people prioitise their sexual desires above their children in all sorts of situations.

But if you believe the literature that being polymourous is all about your ability to love, commit and maintain relationships with more than one person, it isn't that much of step futher I suppose.

The problem is if you are monogamous then you don't actually believe that you can love, be intimate and provide in a relationship at the same level if you are also in a romantic and sexual relationship with someone else. Because you can't. All things will never be equal.

So you need to be able to accept what ever that person is willing to give or not give to you versus the other partner.

And what does he actually mean? Is their version of secondary relationships out side their main relationship? Have they engaged in three way relationships before?

Do they have rules in place that have to be followed to maintain the primary relationship? That you are expected to fit into?

Personally for all the rhetoric about the ability to commit to one person and how no one person can fulfil all your needs and desires it actually shows the opposite. They aren't capable of commitment. Also its incredibly unhealthy to expect people to fulfill you. You should be able to do that yourself.

It's all very enlighten in its positioning v monogamy and yet as you consider it further and in any depth, its all centred around you 'working through' ie suppressing normal feelings in relation to relationships to give into the wants of the person you are sleeping with.

Honestly the thought of my husband going out to meet his 'girlfriend' fucking her then coming back to our bed and being intimate with me makes my skin crawl.

It's one of the worst aspects of being cheated without the knowledge that was happening.

I would be really challenging yourself on if you are even considering this because you haven't actually dealt with the trauma of being cheated on. And this option provides a false sense of security from it happening to you again. It doesn't. He has as much ability to betray your trust and boundaries as any one else.

There was a woman from south Manchester on This Morning a few years ago.

So many people on these threads are always so judgemental and have so many fixed opinions of what it would be like without ever having experienced a poly relationship.

Firstly: it's absolutely not for everyone, so if you're thinking about doing it "for someone else" and not of your own volition, I'd definitely recommend against it.

But, I've been in poly relationships my whole life, and a lot of what people are saying is complete bollocks.

Yes, issues and cheating and inequalities can and do arise, in some, not all, poly relationships. But that's largely because people in general can be rubbish. You see exactly the same kinds of "he doesn't communicate/ I'm not a priority to him/ he's uncaring/ he cheated" issues in supposedly monogamous relationships, so it's not something in any way unique to poly.

And there are lots of ways to be poly - some have a hierarchy, and some don't. It requires a lot more negotiation and clear communication to do it well, and to find people who want the same things that you do.

But it's absolutely possible to have deep, meaningful, emotionally committed poly relationships.

You don't have such a limited capacity as to be able to love only one of your parents or only one of your children, and having more than one isn't seen as a problem, neither is it a problem to have more than one close friend - so why is it seen as a problem, or lesser, to have more than one romantic and sexual partner? This has never made any sense to me.
But if you don't intrinsically feel that way, then it's probably not a type of relationship where you'll be happy.

You don't have such a limited capacity as to be able to love only one of your parents or only one of your children, and having more than one isn't seen as a problem, neither is it a problem to have more than one close friend - so why is it seen as a problem, or lesser, to have more than one romantic and sexual partner? This has never made any sense to me.

Not the same. Sometimes you just don't want to share a cock with another woman. It's that simple tbh. Cock doesn't come into family relationship/ friendships / kids. I don't share, I'm not that generous.

Seems mumsnet understands polyamoury about as well as they understand bisexuality.

Utterly grim. Run a mile.
Anything I’ve read about these types suggests they’re all dyed blue hair types with serious issues.

Poly is damn hard work, doing poly ethically and well is even harder work!

Those of us who are 'actually' poly (vs looking for a bit on the side or falling into it) actively work to negate ever negative thing that has been mentioned so far on this thread.

The fact that you're only considering this because you've met someone who is poly is a red flag, but if you want to continue, start asking questions.

What does poly ideally look like for him? Parallel? Ktp? What boundaries do him and his current partner have? What boundaries would he have with you if you start seeing someone else? What safe sex measure do they have in place? What relationship does he have with his metas?

And read read read, polysecure is a fave of mine aswell as more than two.

But at the end of the day, it's OK to say poly isn't for me thanks and walk away

Op 'There's a part of me that thinks at least I know what's on the table with this!! '

You have to understand that he will have his partner, you and anyone else that takes his fancy. A whole harem if he wants!

Do you really want to degrade yourself in this manner?

You've been hurt by cheating partners and your self esteem has taken a knock but getting involved in this polywoly whatever it's called lifestyle will only serve to damage your emotional health further.

I read that as beastiality, could have been a whole other post.

With respect I don't give a toss. It boils down the the simple fact that I and many others don't share cock when in a commited relationship, I don't need to look into the twist and turns of this 'deeply spiritual, people don't understand how special it is' stuff. I literally don't care. It's simple to understand.