Polyamorous Relationship

[ohnoohnoohnoohno]

Hi,

I've met an amazing guy. He's been very open in telling me he is in a polyamorous relationship. He lives with a woman but wants me to be his girlfriend.

Has anyone experienced this? How did it go?

it just feels like a lot of these ‘polyamorous’ guys are trying to legitimise a bit on the side. And it does just seem to be guys whoever mentioned that above. No thank you.

I thought a ménage a trois was a three way relationship, with relationships (usually but not always sexual) between each of the participants. So you will be presumably meeting your prospective partner ‘s existing partner to see how you get on, and how you are all going to relate to each other.

If the live in partner is happy or hopefully even enthusiastic, crack on. Otherwise, it’s just a bloke wanting a bit on the side.

I did it and was badly hurt. Basically I started a relationship that had a glass ceiling - I could never be the partner - and it was very painful, because we both developed feelings.

My friend is in a relationship like that for 6 months, in love, and very happy. She doesn't mind.

(I also went out with a guy who had a primary relationship and it never hurt me because I never had feelings for him.)

So, each to their own. I decided that I'm only starting relationships with single men now - even if it doesn't become a serious thing, at least there's room for that.

I mean, it’s not for me but I’m not sure it’s comparable to being a prostitute or a drug dealer…… these are all extremely different scenarios.

Unless this guy is a polyamorous drug dealer who sells his body on the side. Then it may be relevant.

Second best and sexual health concerns would be on my mind tbh.

Of course he's caught your attention. You are curious and he's obviously sexually confident and that's hosing your attention.

Perhaps you also feel that you could lure him away for yourself.

You won't.

Have you seen Sister Wives?that went well.

Don't get sucked in then if what you want is a normal 2 way relationship just because this man has caught your eye.

What would be the benefits for you over a monogamous relationship with an amazing man?

What do you want out of the relationship? Have you ever considered being polyamorous in the past?

I'm sure some people like it and enjoy it, but for me what I want out of a relationship is closeness, intimacy, that sense that it's you two against the world. You won't get that in polyamory. You won't be his priority, his one person. If you want to enjoy some time with him and a bit of a shag then sure go for it, but if you actually want a proper relationship then he won't give you that

It depends what you’re looking for. If you want a relationship then it’s an obvious no. If you want no strings sex and are confident you won’t develop feelings when you have sex with the same person repeatedly over a period of time, then go for it.

My girlfriends son met someone and he is head over heels for her . She is poly and has two more on the go .

I am in a committed poly relationship. I’m married to my husband and we have a long term female partner too. She lives with us and our two children. The kids also call her mum x.

It works for us. Not everyone agrees with it but it’s our relationship and it’s what works for us.

My thoughts exactly.

Why would you enter into a relationship with a permanent pick me dance? How exhausting and unnecessary.

Bollocks to that. You’ll be playing pick me all the time. And he will be in his element.

Does the woman in question know she’s in a “polyamorous” relationship?

Or, is she in a theoretical polyamorous relationship that has yet to meet the realities of an actual one?

What happens if either of you gets pregnant? Does one slink off into the background to afford a conventional home for a child or are you to be a polyamorous family?

I once read a problem page where a guy met a poly woman. She was totally open about it and he - obviously thinking with his dick - agreed that it was all fine with him. He moved in with her.

That's when it stopped being fine; conversations she had had with others in private now took place in his earshot. He would be alone while she was out on a date, not knowing whether she was coming home or not. When he mentioned that this upset him, she said it was okay to have someone else as well. That was her solution because that's how it worked for her.

Now if she hadn't been open about being poly, I would have said "she's a piece of work. Take a dump on her hearth rug and move out.". But because she had been open, my response was you signed up for this!! You said it was okay." Your fault mate. Chalk it up to experience and move on.

So consider. Are you prepared to sign up for what's on offer and the exclusions? His No. 1 (if this is truly a poly thing, not him cheating) will always come first. Your birthday falls when she wants to do something? Tough. You have his child? Well, you will automatically be a single mum, no chance of him moving in to take a pareñtal role. Possibly no support at all cos he has another family. You will have to make yourself available when he is available. Oh and you may find having your own +1 may not fall into his idea of poly.

So really, unless this is a lifestyle you hanker for, throw him back. Don't go into it thinking you can manage. If you can't, it's going to fucking hurt before you get out.

Why would you want to put yourself through this?

Also are you sure that he is poly and not simply cheating behind his wife's back?

If you want a long term, committed relationship where you get all your partner's time and attention and get to build a future together and a family then stay away from this.

If you are the type of person who enjoys having multiple partners and are not looking for real commitment then it would be a different story.

Basically, focus on your own needs and expectations rather than trying to please some guy who has different values from yours...

@ohnoohnoohnoohno

Yes i know something about this type of thing,
was with a former ex partner,
His daughter was in polygamous relationship as in she was seeing two men she was with,

her orginal partner for quite a while some time,
then somehow i don't know how she met other guy,
could have been through college,

however she started having a relantship with other guy and her orginal partner knew about this and was OK about it and went along with it too,
for a while,
they seemed to get on OK the impression i got,

However later down the line,

"It back fired on him the orginal partner,
bit him on the arse,"

she ended up preferring the next guy better than, her orginal partner,🤷

as far as i am aware, not sure they are still a monogamous couple,

My take,
The thing is with this kind of arrangement there is so much potential for jealously issues and Dramas histrionics,
:" jostling for attention in pecking order", 🙄

for it to go tits up

Also he could be a manipulative player who likes to play one against each other type,

(my point of view is coloured by the type of person my ex partner was and still is,

The worst obviously extreme senerio this kind of relationship has got the potential to be
it can be the very ingredients stuff of tv true crime genre triangle relantships gone wrong ,

Or

the best case senerio
it could be just a friends with benefits type of situation,

personally myself when it comes to peoples emotions,
the pitfalls are i think 🤔 you could be potentially playing with 🔥 fire..

Sometimes things are just best as a fantasty in your mind,
not as in reality real life if that makes sense,

as reality peoples emotions can be messy and contrary and complex etc...

I would prefer a 'normal' relationship tbh

Then this is not for you. At best it requires an extraordinary amount of emotional detachment and compromise. It more likely involves a certain amount of gaslighting and cult-like indoctrination into what is a fundamentally “not normal” relationship. You aren’t allowed to make any complaint about not having the time/attention that you should be getting, or if a third/firth/fifth woman is introduced, because that is seen as a criticism of the sub-culture and decidedly not ok. (“Can’t you just be cool? Wow, I didn’t realise how conventional/stuck-up/boring/basic you are”). You don’t get spontaneity, you don’t get unscheduled hanging around. You don’t get “normal”. You get waiting around while the only actual important person in the whole deal is off with one of his alternates, or is charming some other woman to indoctrinate. The time you do get you have to be “on” - better than “her” (but obviously not better than him). If it progresses you don’t get to live together in a home that is just “yours” and don’t get to raise your dc in a conventional way. They get to see their dad performing amorousness with multiple women and get to tell their friends “I have a brother who is two months younger than me and a sister who is seven months older and one of my other mums, is having a baby soon.” The other mum being about seventeen herself. It’s too Mick Philpott for words. You have to actively want to make your life more difficult, more complicated, more embarrassing, with vast pools of emotional deadness and boredom.

@ohnoohnoohnoohno

I need to clarify just in case of being misunderstood i was in a monogamous conventional relationship with ex partner ,

What's the difference between polygamous and polyamorous anyway?

Is there any difference at all? Beyond semantics where the former conjures up an image of some backwater community and the other sexually incontinent hipsters?