How to deal with negative feelings towards passive aggressive Mother in Law

[Kitkatgoosie]

Myself (25F) and my partner (27M) had a baby just under a year ago and a lot has happened since.

We moved near my family when I was pregnant but left when our baby was 6 months old to rent a house owned by my partners parents. I'm now estranged from my dad and have a very strained relationship with my own mother as a result of events that went on whilst living near them, such as lying about smoking when visiting baby, manipulating me, not respecting boundaries and gaslighting me. This has left me very emotionally drained and fed up, my tolerance for bullshit has disappeared and the relationship with my MIL is more strained than ever as she's relentlessly passive aggressive, does what she wants regardless of other feelings or opinions and skirts boundaries all the time, chancing things.

My MIL has never been someone I've liked, she's one of those people that appears nice and doesn't really go out of her way to piss anyone off, but is very passive aggressive and opinionated, very sly and is quite emotionally manipulative towards my partner. Either way, we moved here because we were in dire straights and couldn't afford renting any longer, we're now renting from them at a more reduced rate.

Since being here, she's tried to be in our space constantly, during the first week she came around most days under the guide of being there for maintenance issues even though FIL was there anyway. On one of the days she waited downstairs whilst I napped with my daughter for 2 hours, hoping to see me bring her downstairs. FIL even asked if I was going to take the baby to see MIL but I said no she needs to sleep. She walks in the house without knocking every time she comes over and it's awkward because I feel like I can't say anything as she owns the house and we were expecting her. The visits have reduced but she expects to see us once a week and I can tell that my partner feels pressured to see her, we've had tons of arguments about this and it's really affecting our relationship. He went to see her last week after work and I didn't go because he feels stressed that we're going to argue about some shit MIL has done afterwards, he didn't come home til 7:10pm and I asked for them to be home at 6pm for my babys wind down routine and bedtime. Whilst he was there MIL held them up as much as she could and even offered to feed my daughter supper at theirs (so generous). We had a huge falling out afterwards and it's left me truly defeated. My partner doesn't want to hear criticism anymore and seems to have accepted rolling over for MIL but I don't want to be obliged to do anything, I don't think it's a way to love your life and I hate handing my daughter over to that possessive woman. I just feel very primal about it all and truly feel sick whenever MIL sees, touches or speaks to my daughter, I hate the thought of her using pictures sent to her to show her off etc.

She constantly quizzes me on what LO has for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Asks detailed questions about her development and makes snide comments talking through the baby about not receiving videos or pictures, as well as anything she wants to say to me she'll talk through the baby. When she has LO she doesn't give her back, she doesn't hand her to me especially, she'll avoid it and hand her to my partner and even then she's reluctant. Constantly tried to get my babys attention, turns her away from me.

When we're at her house, she walks off with the baby which sends me into panic and again I feel like such a bitch if i were to say anything and don't want to cause an issue with my partner because MIL would definitely get upset or cry and make me the bad guy. If I don't give LO to her right away, she just holds her hands out and says 'are you going to come?' repeatedly in a baby voice to my daughter that it makes it so awkward not to hand her over. I feel steamrolled. One week, she started cleaning the highchair after LO was finished, in my kitchen and it made me furious, but it's the sort of thing I can't tell her off for because shes being 'helpful'. This week she offered for her to come and look after my baby or do housework for me to help me via a text to my partner and he said no and that I'm fine by myself, then she texted me and I said no and she ignored it. When my partner visited her afterwards, she asked him again and he said no again. She's obviously dying to be super involved but I'm repulsed by it.

Does anyone have experience dealing with a MIL like this? How did/do you survive? I'm really struggling and it's honestly making me feel ill every time LO has to interact with her.

She sounds interested in you, her son and the baby from what you've said. I'm not seeing passive aggressive at all especially if you haven't set any boundaries such as making sure she knocks.

Your poor mother in law, you sound awful.

This. How awful of them to let you stay in one of their properties (which by your own admission seems to have helped you leave an undesirable situation) and show interest in her grandchild.

OK so your MIL maybe has boundary issues over coming into the house without knocking, but other then that she sounds like she wants to be involved and helpful.

What issues did you have with your parents are they maybe clouding your judgement here?

You feel 'sick' when your mother in law sees your baby? You're repulsed by her being super involved? Maybe moving out and getting your own space would help you set boundaries. Your word choice for how your mil interacts with your child is very worrying.

'she started cleaning the highchair after LO was finished, in my kitchen and it made me furious, but it's the sort of thing I can't tell her off for because shes being 'helpful'. This week she offered for her to come and look after my baby or do housework for me to help me[......... ]She's obviously dying to be super involved but I'm repulsed by it.'

Your reaction is very odd, can you explain why you're repulsed by your child's grandmother trying to help? Housing yourselves would help with feeling independent.

You really need to calm down.

Your judgement is being clouded by your interactions with your mother.

It sounds like your MIL is very caring so let her join your team!

I would have wiped down the highchair too, it's what Mums do!

They actually said this was a gift to their son (the house) and then decided they wanted money instead once we'd already put our notice in to our current rental so there's that. And I'm trying to vent and look for support in how I'm feeling, I know that it's not socially acceptable but I'm struggling and I don't need to be called awful for feeling this way especially when she IS being passive aggressive, but apologies I can't include every single instance in this thread to prove so

It's not the helping, it feels like she takes over when she's here, she's repotting my plants, cleaning the high chair and telling me what she would have done with the placement of furniture and saying I need to put LO in her own room and I feel suffocated and impressed upon. She acts like shes my parent and I'm just a child with a child in her house

I'm quite surprised that people thing OP is being unreasonable? OP have you always had the feeling that MIL thinks you're uncapable of raising your child, or just not competent as a partner/mother?

This sounds like my MIL which is why I don't think YABU, all actions are in the guise of being interested/helpful but it's actually because they dont think you're up to the job.

They are abusive and made my childhood awful. My MIL is not abusive, but is emotionally manipulative and I have seen her do this to get her way to my partner. She will throw a paddy if she doesn't get her way. Whenever we set a boundary she ignores it and doesn't address it so we look like arseholes if we complain or tell her off, she'll only throw a stop and call us mean.

Thank you. Your reply is actually making me cry because I honestly feel insane sometimes. It's like I know exactly what's going on in only a way other women would see, but if I say or do anything I'm unreasonable as shown in this thread. I feel so misunderstood.

You are very young, and of the four parents/parents-in-law, you have fallen out with three of them within 6 month.

I know the first year of parenthood can be intense, but if you stop and look at the common denominator…

OP, you think it might be your reactions that are a little off kilter?

I'm not the issue but thank you. All four grandparents have severe issues. Partners dad was physically abusive to MIL and MIL used to vent about it to her kids and play them off against their dad. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive (still is) and my mother is a raging alcoholic and narcissist. Believe me, my estrangement from them has nothing to do with me causing issues and everything to do with them being one.

Sounds like fairly normal if mildly irritating Granny behaviour to me. Nothing to get really cross about, just develop a bit of non confrontational assertiveness and don't sweat the small stuff.

Look up why using 'throwing a paddy' instead of 'tantrum' is offensive. You might want to get that removed.

Honestly she doesn't sound that bad.

First babies are difficult for everyone around in lots of ways. MIL is clearly desperate to help and knows you haven't got that support from elsewhere. If you reflect, is some of your irritant that you aren't ready to accept your mum is a bit useless? Therefore someone else trying to 'fill the gap' is unwelcome because you don't want there to be a gap?

All parents and inlaws are overbearing at times ime. It's about balancing and not pissing off people who will provide free childcare!

In my experience, men are often reluctant to draw boundaries with their DMs and they will
minimise or excuse the meaning or significance of actions or comments which other women pick up on immediately. Mine only accepted a point I once made when he walked in on MIL saying something she had promised him not to raise with me. Only when he saw what she was doing himself did he accept my view.

OP, you need to assert yourself. Don’t t let her walk off with your baby-she should wait to be offered the baby. Hold on to her or say that she is staying with you because of x.

Woah. How to gaslight someone 101.
this poor woman has probably been told ‘she’s the problem’ all her life by her abusive parents. I am guessing she’s now unable to assert herself with her MIL as she hasn’t ever been allowed to do that growing up at home. She’s come on here for advice. Not blame.
OP I totally get you. Women know these things. My MIL is also ‘lovely’ and ‘helpful’ like yours but also very domineering and opinionated. She came and took my first baby out of my arms 3 hours post partum in delivery without even asking and walked to the other side of the room with her. I felt like you describe here…utterly floored but unable to express why. You know why. She’s overstepping the mark. You need to have a think about how this can be managed so she can be involved but everyone is clear this is your home, your family, your baby. Good luck.

See the problem is there's a mix of a you issue and a MIL issue. So going on your post alone it just looked like you hate her guts and would rather you just saw her at Christmas and even then.... There's nothing wrong with wanting to see your son and grandbaby once a week.

Your bloke will be feeling pulled in all directions because he knows he can't see his mother without earache from you.

Your child can cope with more than just 2 people loving them. They thrive on love, as much as possible.

That said you don't like her and everything she does is going to grate. Overstepping or not over stepping. You need to focus on getting your own place so you can ban her from the house completely and your blokes can take the bairn over there to visit when you let him. I'm not sure what else would make you happy.

You're all processing your traumas all over each other. Everyone is in serious need of family therapy. In order to do the work, you need distance but instead of that you've chosen to hand over all your power to someone else. Moving into one of their properties was a very bad idea.

What you need to do is work hard to become financially independent as soon as you can. Do weekend and evening work if it helps to build up savings to move somewhere independent of your PIL.

Most of what she does seems fine if a little much, which she wouldn't be able to do if you hadn't made choices that left you beholden to her. Some of your anger is coming from powerlessness and a lot from trauma. Your poor DH is also living his trauma and he won't be able to set firm boundaries either. Move out as an urgent matter. Set all your energy to that.

I'm not familiar so I do apologize if I caused offense. My mother always used that saying so it stuck, never knew there was an issue with it, but won't use it again.

It seems like it's you from the information you've provided

Whenever she texts you asking about your dc forward the messages to your dp. He can answer her. Once he sees how much she is blowing up your phone he may have a word. My ils never had my mobile number. Made for a better life for me and dh as we weren't arguing about them. She ws also very critical.. Once commented on the mess and I asked her outright had she even been invited over? She hadn't but just turned up. Big chancer given we lived 30 miles apart.

Thank you for this, I feel like you've just perfectly explained it for me and I understand a bit more now as to why this is such an issue