How to deal with negative feelings towards passive aggressive Mother in Law

[Kitkatgoosie]

Myself (25F) and my partner (27M) had a baby just under a year ago and a lot has happened since.

We moved near my family when I was pregnant but left when our baby was 6 months old to rent a house owned by my partners parents. I'm now estranged from my dad and have a very strained relationship with my own mother as a result of events that went on whilst living near them, such as lying about smoking when visiting baby, manipulating me, not respecting boundaries and gaslighting me. This has left me very emotionally drained and fed up, my tolerance for bullshit has disappeared and the relationship with my MIL is more strained than ever as she's relentlessly passive aggressive, does what she wants regardless of other feelings or opinions and skirts boundaries all the time, chancing things.

My MIL has never been someone I've liked, she's one of those people that appears nice and doesn't really go out of her way to piss anyone off, but is very passive aggressive and opinionated, very sly and is quite emotionally manipulative towards my partner. Either way, we moved here because we were in dire straights and couldn't afford renting any longer, we're now renting from them at a more reduced rate.

Since being here, she's tried to be in our space constantly, during the first week she came around most days under the guide of being there for maintenance issues even though FIL was there anyway. On one of the days she waited downstairs whilst I napped with my daughter for 2 hours, hoping to see me bring her downstairs. FIL even asked if I was going to take the baby to see MIL but I said no she needs to sleep. She walks in the house without knocking every time she comes over and it's awkward because I feel like I can't say anything as she owns the house and we were expecting her. The visits have reduced but she expects to see us once a week and I can tell that my partner feels pressured to see her, we've had tons of arguments about this and it's really affecting our relationship. He went to see her last week after work and I didn't go because he feels stressed that we're going to argue about some shit MIL has done afterwards, he didn't come home til 7:10pm and I asked for them to be home at 6pm for my babys wind down routine and bedtime. Whilst he was there MIL held them up as much as she could and even offered to feed my daughter supper at theirs (so generous). We had a huge falling out afterwards and it's left me truly defeated. My partner doesn't want to hear criticism anymore and seems to have accepted rolling over for MIL but I don't want to be obliged to do anything, I don't think it's a way to love your life and I hate handing my daughter over to that possessive woman. I just feel very primal about it all and truly feel sick whenever MIL sees, touches or speaks to my daughter, I hate the thought of her using pictures sent to her to show her off etc.

She constantly quizzes me on what LO has for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Asks detailed questions about her development and makes snide comments talking through the baby about not receiving videos or pictures, as well as anything she wants to say to me she'll talk through the baby. When she has LO she doesn't give her back, she doesn't hand her to me especially, she'll avoid it and hand her to my partner and even then she's reluctant. Constantly tried to get my babys attention, turns her away from me.

When we're at her house, she walks off with the baby which sends me into panic and again I feel like such a bitch if i were to say anything and don't want to cause an issue with my partner because MIL would definitely get upset or cry and make me the bad guy. If I don't give LO to her right away, she just holds her hands out and says 'are you going to come?' repeatedly in a baby voice to my daughter that it makes it so awkward not to hand her over. I feel steamrolled. One week, she started cleaning the highchair after LO was finished, in my kitchen and it made me furious, but it's the sort of thing I can't tell her off for because shes being 'helpful'. This week she offered for her to come and look after my baby or do housework for me to help me via a text to my partner and he said no and that I'm fine by myself, then she texted me and I said no and she ignored it. When my partner visited her afterwards, she asked him again and he said no again. She's obviously dying to be super involved but I'm repulsed by it.

Does anyone have experience dealing with a MIL like this? How did/do you survive? I'm really struggling and it's honestly making me feel ill every time LO has to interact with her.

Thank you, this is what I'm feeling. I think I was quite passionate in my post and a bit harsh but I'd just come from their house and dealt with all the things that upset me at once so I think I needed to vent really, obviously most people here have labeled me a certain way because of it but I feel you've perfectly (and more sanely than myself) expressed what I'm feeling.

I'm not benefiting from them, I'm renting from them. They've saved us £50 a month in rent, our council tax has gone up £60 a month as we're in a new area so monetary wise it's the same. We are renting from them and are grateful for them letting us live in their home. I don't want it both ways, I just would appreciate some level of calm and respect towards some as my childs mother, I just want her to relax the overstepping.

You do sound over sensitive but she also sounds annoying. I think you need to read less into things and let them slide. DH has a tendency to get worked up over minor things and it drives me mad as I’m the opposite, maybe too passive that I don’t give a fuck 🤣
Think of your daughter and how important it is to have positive relationships with grandparents as it sounds like the others are a write off. Of course she is going to be proud and love seeing her grandchild, sharing pics etc & wanting her attention - that’s totally normal. My mum can be a bit overbearing too but I just ignore it, DH mum doesn’t offer to see or spend any time with our boys so we have the opposite. I know which id prefer.
Let her babysit for a little while and do the things you used to do, go and get your hair done or to the gym or chill out for a bit. First children hit you like a truck but you’re also still a woman, let her ‘help’. It doesn’t mean you are failing.

You probably didn't mean to, but your reply has hugely hurt my feelings. As others have expressed here in the comments, I have felt like the problem my entire life because I've been told I am by my abusive parents. I operate on a daily basis by people pleasing and forgiving and letting people walk all over me.

You are right in that I probably do need therapy. I get walked over all the time, and am currently getting walked over by my MIL now and then, it will stir up feelings and tbh I don't need to be vilified for that, especially don't need to be called Hitler? What a vile thing to say. I'm a person with real feelings and was looking for supportive responses. This ain't it. I wouldn't dare say I'm innocent and I'll admit some of my feelings here are less reasonable than others and it's obviously something I'm struggling with. I've had enough shit to last a lifetime, I'm sick of people getting away with boundary stomping.

My partner was late home because she was stalling, and yes I am allowed to be annoyed that my daughter missed her bedtime due to it because Im the one up with her all night when shes inconsolable.

Thanks for your reply.

She is not ignored, or misunderstood at all.

Of course I'm repulsed by her husband's actions when my partner was young. No one should suffer domestic abuse. But I'm not going to excuse everything she's putting me through because of her toxic relationship, it's nothing to do with me or my daughter. If she were ever to come to me and tell me it was still happening etc I'd help her and hug her, I'm not a monster.

Separately, she does behave inappropriately at times which is known by my partner and his father, who often warn her against being too pushy and overbearing, so it is a known behavior, not one I've manifested.

To put you at ease, she was very calm the first day I lived here and I left my baby with her for ages whilst I showered and relaxed, comfortable and confident. I was happy with that and looking forward to her relationship with my daughter, and leaving them together. I hope we can get back to that and that she calms her recent behavior.

Thank you for this. Thank you for understanding and not thinking bad of me like some. I only ever want to be reasonable and kind, I hate feeling so irritated by someone who should be close.

It's like you only read the positives. I acknowledge them, I want my daughter to see her, and have a relationship I'm not heartless and evil.

I just want my boundaries and space and to be respected as a mother and partner and daughter in law.

Don't use the situation with my parents as ammunition, please it's super hurtful when you don't know the extent of what they have done to me. They were and are extremely abusive and have been my entire life, my falling out with them is completely separate. Once id had my daughter, I really started to see the forest for the trees which is why I'm starting to set boundaries and voice my distress. I've been a pushover all my life, my daughter is teaching me that's not sustainable. I want to work on a relationship with my in laws as I live near them and acknowledge they are not dangerous to be around unlike my own.

I started crying at this, because it's very true. Thank you for verbalizing it for me. I sort of wish I never posted this thread because the replies are really triggering. I can take criticism but I want it to be constructive, I want to be better but I don't want to be misunderstood, as always.

Thank you, this is really helpful and I think you are right. I need to reframe this completely, I think I probably am being very oversensitive and some of that may be hormones as I'm still breastfeeding but it will probably also be my trauma and thats not her fault.

I don't have the energy to deep dive into he issues with my parents but know that the issue goes way beyond smoking and it's hilarious you think washing hands is enough, its not. For the record, my only rules regarding that were washed hands, clothes that hasn't been worn whilst smoking and an open window. Didn't go to their house because they chain smoke in the living room.

I have a lot of problems in my life, I try my best not to be one but I also have to protect my own feelings. I'm just trying to set boundaries and stop letting people walk all over me. All fur grandparents are toxic asf and my part er and I both acknowledge this, it's what we bonded over when we met.

Thank you for this insight, I feel you perfectly encapsulated how I'm feelings. You are right, I don't actually hate this woman but I think my emotions towards her are heightened and it's causing me to come off as hateful, and I don't want that because it's not who I am. The last thing I want is to be misunderstood, I just want a peaceful life.

I think I just need to find compromises and determine how we (my partner and I) can remedy my feelings towards aspects of her behavior if its not a battle worth fighting.

She does sound very intrusive.

I don’t know what to suggest apart from putting up boundaries,

How can you be possessive over your own kid? The only other person who has a right to my child is my partner as she's his too. I literally hand her straight over to my MIL when I see her because I have no choice, she literally stands over me with her arms out waiting for it and being passive aggressive, I just sit there feeling like a mug.

Again, it's to do with power. Some people are just dim and can't read when other people are uncomfortable, whilst others know when to demand something in a way that they know the other person can't decline without causing a bit of a scene. It sounds like you feel quite smothered.

Is there any chance at all you can move else where? Otherwise I'd advise you saying something like 'Sorry, but I want to keep her with me right now'. Has to be delivered in the right tone.

If she's sensitive & considerate, she brush that off and give you some space, but if she's used to getting her own way, I'm afraid you're just going to have to brace yourself for some conflict. If she is quite domineering and passive aggressive, she'll either get angry or she'll act like she's really upset to get your husband on-side.

OP I really feel for you and don't let the other posters invalidate your feelings. Some responses are so unsupportive and unnecessary.

Having a baby is a big change, our hormones are all over the place and we react the way we do to certain things because we are mothers and something to you isn't right and that's fine.

You absolutely need to be the mother bear here. It's not your MILs feelings over yours, your MIL sounds like she wants a bit of control, is disrespecting your space and honestly I think I'd go absolutely mad with some of the things she does.

Boundaries will be key. You want her in your life and your families life, but she canny over step the mark just because she is a grandmother. You first and most importantly are your babies mother, your feelings count but you have to voice them otherwise this will really make you so very unhappy for a long time and reduce the enjoyment of your baby.

Grandmother will want some time with her grandchild, that's ok, but it's on yours and your partners terms. You'll have to give a bit and find a way to manage your feelings. Likewise, you have to say if something is uncomfortable to you, like MIL constantly asking about what baby has eaten every day - seriously she needs to find something else to do.

This part of being a mum is not easy, but step up and take space and have a voice.

OP, I complete agree with this. Your MIL does sound completely overbearing, and I am sure your instincts about her possessiveness towards your child are on the mark.

Other posters should accept what you say on good faith. I don't know why you're getting such a hard time. I've no advice except creating as much distance as you can and keeping firm boundaries. I do think you should do everything you can to find alternative accommodation.

I think you have me confused. This is the only post I have about my MIL. Another poster referred to another post too but I barely know how to use Mumsnet, I've made two posts and the other was about my PGCE. Don't really appreciate people coming on here and attacking me for other posts that I've not personally made at all. Like, definitely not made any posts about kidnapping hahahaha.

Don't tell me I need help, that's so rude and like I said, the other poster isn't me so get that straight before you tell people to seek medical attention. Romanian culture? Kidnap? Read my post please, as it's the only one I have and refrain from filling in a narrative about MY life as if it's another posters. Jesus.

I sympathise. Living near to and under the control of a MIL like this with a husband who’s on her side for an easy life (easier than if he had boundaries) is not good for you or your relationship.

Some of what she does is probably normal-ish but bc you have such a strong dislike for her, her behaviour feels unbearable. I know the type of MIL you describe and the only way for her to step back is if your husband is on board with boundaries.

You sound a great mum op. Its not you, its them.

i get what your saying, because you rent at a reduced price from your inlaws, they seem to feel you both owe them extra access to your child. Them swanning in whenever they like. Shes cleaning and treating the place like its hers and your cleaning is not good enough. Taking over with baby, making you feel incompetent to look after a baby. keep the doors locked, add extra locks if you can or leave keys in the lock slightly turned. If they ask to come over, be busy, going to visit friends etc. babies bring out the worst in some GPs

Your entitled to your boundaries my MIL was the same. Took baby from me constantly would pull down blanket and flash me in front of everyone to see baby feed etc. She was a nightmare.

Im sorry but this only gets better if you move and your DP grows a pair.

I cant believe ppl are blaming you

Thank you for your reply! I'm so sorry about your MIL that sounds like a nightmare.

DP has promised me he will start asserting our boundaries and wants me to be happy. Though he wants a relationship with his mum, he wants one with me more so if we can't resolve this we will have to leave. I'm hopeful we can create a space though where I don't sweat the small stuff, and she backs off and has a normal relationship with me and my daughter, where I feel more than comfortable in her presence because it wasn't always so bad and though I never liked her much, I do acknowledge she is relatively harmless, just needs to stop trying to get her own way and be overbearing.

Hi OP. I've been where you are and recognise a lot of the feelings and behaviours you describe. I kept it to myself for a long time and ultimately made myself sick with it.

I self referred to a peri-natal counsellor and it was the best thing I've ever done. She helped me realise that you can't change other people's behaviour or attitude but you can change how you manage situations and react.

In my case, my ILs were never overtly nasty but the things they said and did crossed boundaries that made me uncomfortable, undermined me and made me feel like I had no control in my own home or with my son. However looking back, everything they did was about their needs and expectations, it wasn't personal to me.

When I went to counselling, it helped me learn how to gently put boundaries in place. Simple things that are polite but firm. It's honestly improved how I feel so much and I'm getting my confidence back. Still lots of work to do and I can't say I don't get anxious about being in their company sometimes but our relationship is improving because I'm now more able to be clear about expectations. It also helped me speak to my husband about it which was half the battle - he hadn't picked up on behaviours or how I was feeling but is supportive now he's aware and that's half the battle.

Please, if you're able, look to speak to someone. I'm honestly so full of regret that I let those feelings of resentment, anger, anxiety etc take over to the point they were affecting the time I should have been enjoying with my son. You'll never get this time back. The counselling service I used was a charity that specifically works with new mums and there was no charge if you couldn't afford to pay. There may be something similar close to you.

My ex mother in low was Bitch too, I wish she could not exist honestly, I have a lot of hate toward her, she destroyed my relationship, BITCH BITCH AND DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING, NOT EVEN HUMAN BEING SHE SHOULD BE CALLED DOG