How to deal with negative feelings towards passive aggressive Mother in Law

[Kitkatgoosie]

Myself (25F) and my partner (27M) had a baby just under a year ago and a lot has happened since.

We moved near my family when I was pregnant but left when our baby was 6 months old to rent a house owned by my partners parents. I'm now estranged from my dad and have a very strained relationship with my own mother as a result of events that went on whilst living near them, such as lying about smoking when visiting baby, manipulating me, not respecting boundaries and gaslighting me. This has left me very emotionally drained and fed up, my tolerance for bullshit has disappeared and the relationship with my MIL is more strained than ever as she's relentlessly passive aggressive, does what she wants regardless of other feelings or opinions and skirts boundaries all the time, chancing things.

My MIL has never been someone I've liked, she's one of those people that appears nice and doesn't really go out of her way to piss anyone off, but is very passive aggressive and opinionated, very sly and is quite emotionally manipulative towards my partner. Either way, we moved here because we were in dire straights and couldn't afford renting any longer, we're now renting from them at a more reduced rate.

Since being here, she's tried to be in our space constantly, during the first week she came around most days under the guide of being there for maintenance issues even though FIL was there anyway. On one of the days she waited downstairs whilst I napped with my daughter for 2 hours, hoping to see me bring her downstairs. FIL even asked if I was going to take the baby to see MIL but I said no she needs to sleep. She walks in the house without knocking every time she comes over and it's awkward because I feel like I can't say anything as she owns the house and we were expecting her. The visits have reduced but she expects to see us once a week and I can tell that my partner feels pressured to see her, we've had tons of arguments about this and it's really affecting our relationship. He went to see her last week after work and I didn't go because he feels stressed that we're going to argue about some shit MIL has done afterwards, he didn't come home til 7:10pm and I asked for them to be home at 6pm for my babys wind down routine and bedtime. Whilst he was there MIL held them up as much as she could and even offered to feed my daughter supper at theirs (so generous). We had a huge falling out afterwards and it's left me truly defeated. My partner doesn't want to hear criticism anymore and seems to have accepted rolling over for MIL but I don't want to be obliged to do anything, I don't think it's a way to love your life and I hate handing my daughter over to that possessive woman. I just feel very primal about it all and truly feel sick whenever MIL sees, touches or speaks to my daughter, I hate the thought of her using pictures sent to her to show her off etc.

She constantly quizzes me on what LO has for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Asks detailed questions about her development and makes snide comments talking through the baby about not receiving videos or pictures, as well as anything she wants to say to me she'll talk through the baby. When she has LO she doesn't give her back, she doesn't hand her to me especially, she'll avoid it and hand her to my partner and even then she's reluctant. Constantly tried to get my babys attention, turns her away from me.

When we're at her house, she walks off with the baby which sends me into panic and again I feel like such a bitch if i were to say anything and don't want to cause an issue with my partner because MIL would definitely get upset or cry and make me the bad guy. If I don't give LO to her right away, she just holds her hands out and says 'are you going to come?' repeatedly in a baby voice to my daughter that it makes it so awkward not to hand her over. I feel steamrolled. One week, she started cleaning the highchair after LO was finished, in my kitchen and it made me furious, but it's the sort of thing I can't tell her off for because shes being 'helpful'. This week she offered for her to come and look after my baby or do housework for me to help me via a text to my partner and he said no and that I'm fine by myself, then she texted me and I said no and she ignored it. When my partner visited her afterwards, she asked him again and he said no again. She's obviously dying to be super involved but I'm repulsed by it.

Does anyone have experience dealing with a MIL like this? How did/do you survive? I'm really struggling and it's honestly making me feel ill every time LO has to interact with her.

Thanks for the insight. I don't think you understand me and that's fine, we're all different. However you don't know the full story so I'll take your reply with a pinch of salt.

“This week she offered for her to come and look after my baby or do housework for me to help me via a text to my partner and he said no and that I'm fine by myself, then she texted me and I said no and she ignored it. When my partner visited her afterwards, she asked him again and he said no again. She's obviously dying to be super involved but I'm repulsed by it.”

Repulsed? She’s obviously a bit over-keen to be involved and that’s perfectly normal, it just needs managing a bit. You are the problem.

That is a bit harsh, I have come here asking for advice. I'm at my wits end and have spent a lot of time crying over this. I obviously have my own issues and her being over keen is clearly affecting me negatively. Tell me then, how do I manage this? It's getting worse and no one wants to tell her off so she's escalating in keen-ness. I've asked for advice on how to manage it but you've offered none. If you still have any I'll take it.

I can't set the boundaries when she starts getting upset if we tell her no, because no one wants to upset her so my partner avoids it and I darent say anything to her because it's not my mother to manage so I'm stuck.

Can you elaborate? What sounds awful about me? I'm open to learning, but I did come here for advice not character assassination. I'm obviously having a hard time so why kick me when I'm down? Not very supportive

Worrying in what way? I don't like feeling this way but it feels completely organic and natural as a response to someone overstepping the mark and making me feel unwelcome in my own life and with my own child, I just want her to stop making me feel so impressed upon.

It feels as though she's trying to be my childs mother, not help me be a mother.

Perhaps you need to sit down with her and tell her that. Explain that how you feel may now be how she thinks she's coming across, but her being around is upsetting you to this extent. If she's decent she will accept it gracefully and then you can start afresh.

It will be a difficult conversation but if you feel this bad, it is only going to get worse.

Is FIL more reasonable?

Your DH needs to manage the relationship. So you throw her a bone now and again and let her develop a relationship with her GC but with appropriate boundaries.

All of your opinion of her is about you and your insecurity. She wants to help and be involved that’s all. Let her help. Or communicate like a rational grown up why you don’t need help and what the alternative is. Instead of getting overwhelmed by her demands, you decide the agenda and then get your DH to ‘manage’ it.

OP, I have felt this too, all of this.
Please don’t let others make you feel that you’re the problem.
Life is meant to be about your baby, your partner and your little family now - not about your MIL.

We lived with my MIL for a year and whilst I was incredibly grateful, she did tiny little things that just grated on me.
If she heard me downstairs with baby I felt she would race downstairs to see her - yes, nice she wanted to see us, and I know it was her house, but I didn’t always want company and it felt like it was every single time. Put me on edge any time I left the room.
When she knew we were all out she would go into our bedroom and remove the cups from the morning or empty the bin - nice things many would appreciate, but I felt like she was invading our space.

Youre allowed to feel how you feel. I know others are coming at it with the “you’re ungrateful, she’s doing nothing wrong” stance, but until you’ve been in it yourself, you just don’t understand!

I think your examples are just showing a concerned, helpful MIL.

I haven't seen anything passive-aggressive in what you've posted.

I used to get The Rage when mil held my dc. She tutted every time I bf. Sat way too close gaping.. Final batshittery was screaming at me ds's could not be without a nappy or they would get sexual feelings..

@Kitkatgoosie , I missed the memo that said I was expected to be supportive; sorry.
Your Mil sounds normal, she’s trying to be helpful and she wants a relationship with her grandchild. Your child will benefit from a relationship with their grandparents. You are causing your poor partner stress and that’s not good for your relationship with him. Maybe you should consider some therapy because you are making yourself miserable unnecessarily and misery loves to spread around.

@Lovepeaceunderstanding
not all grandchildren benefit from a relationship with their grandparents.
some are vile and toxic.
some are outright cruel and favour one over the other
some use their grandchildren and their ‘right’ to see them as a way of continuing abuse that they initially inflicted on their own children
some are entitled, possessive, overbearing,critical.
its well documented and regularly seen in psychology practice that emotionally abusive or manipulative parents will go on to be the same as grandparents.
often worse. The abuse is heightened by the sense of entitlement.
so maybe think about being less judgy and more compassionate
not everyone has perfect family

*edited for clarity and typos

@Confusedandemotional , the OP posted to garner opinion surely?
The OP’s in laws don’t fall into the category you outline.

I have a MIL like this and I absolutely understand your dilemma. Very disappointed to read such disparaging comments aimed at you. The 'helpful', 'kind' and 'caring' gestures actually feel very intrusive and makes you feel like you're walking a tightrope all the time when handling. Mine is emotionally manipulative and twists things to suit her, she's a piece of work. Try a few more obvious boundaries such as lock the door so she can't just let herself in, dismiss her 'helpful advice' with a 'no, we're doing it a different way but thanks for your suggestion' and make it very clear to dp that you need to move out ASAP. I'm trying all these things with mine and I know how hard it is especially when they turn on the water works at will and plead innocent to their gullible ds. Regarding your baby, be firm about boundaries that suit you. If you don't want to hand dc straight over then don't. Invest in a baby carrier and start using it around the house so dc isn't as available!

I was addressing your assertion that ‘your child will benefit from a relationship with their grandparents’
when in her posts she’s described domestic violence on her DHs side and alcoholism on her side. Literally textbook dysfunction.

@Confusedandemotional , I can’t see such claims about her PIL in the post? Certainly were that the case I would agree with you. I was only addressing her question which related to her PIL not her own parents from whom I gather she is estranged.

OP it’s in your gift now to stop this generational dysfunction and drama for the sake of your baby. I totally feel
for you, you’ve gone from toxic parents to toxic in laws. Get those boundaries set and if she’s reasonable she’ll toe the line. If she kicks off…to reasonable requests…you’ve got your answer. Big girl pants o time. This is your life not hers. Protect it xx

You need to read the full thread.

@Lovepeaceunderstanding
here you go

@Kitkatgoosie you're a new mum and you're tired. Some of what MiL does sounds awful (like just coming into your house without knocking). Some of the other stuff (like cleaning the high chair) sounds like she's trying to help. You might be feeling over-sensitive. My own DC and I were incredibly close but I know that when she had her baby I had to tread on eggshells because most of what I said and did was misinterpreted. It was as if she had forgotten entirely who I was and I turned into pretty much the woman you describe! I know it was due to her anxiety about being a first-time mother and her lack of sleep.
Rather than looking at her motivation, try looking at the end result. You get a clean high chair, for instance! So what if she wants to show off photos! Every time she makes suggestions, if you think it's a bad suggestion, tell her that you won't be doing whatever she has suggested. Be kind but firm with her.
The feeling sick at the thought of her will go away, in time.

Thank you so much, it's so nice to hear a similar perspective. I think a lot of it itls the proximity and the 'helpfulness'. Bearing in mind, I have had such a bad relationship with my own mother that I have no want to be bothered or have a motherly figure around me so I guess that plays into it too.

I don't think this is very fair considering the context. Bearing in mind that I know both sets of grandparents to be terrible parents and my partner agrees with this, you can't really disagree considering the abuse etc and what I've mentioned in another reply. Of course I'm going to be extra irritated when someone with such a bad track record decides to be this involved and overly keen and steps on my toes. I'm going to be on edge don't you think?

We have a difficult relationship with a family member (a very difficult person who's estranged from other family members) and it got to the point where everything they said/ did would upset me and really piss me off. I just couldn't bear to be around them and just felt so resentful towards them mainly due to how they have treated us in the past.

My mum gave me the best piece of advice which was simply

When this person does/ says something that upsets you, think about whether it would annoy you if it was someone else ( perhaps a close friend or family member) doing/ saying those things or if it's simply the fact that it's them.

It sounds almost stupid but I've found it so simple and effective and it's enabled me to take a step back and not see the bad in everything/ realise that a lot of my feelings were due to past issues and not what they were actually saying/ doing in the present etc.