How to deal with negative feelings towards passive aggressive Mother in Law

[Kitkatgoosie]

Myself (25F) and my partner (27M) had a baby just under a year ago and a lot has happened since.

We moved near my family when I was pregnant but left when our baby was 6 months old to rent a house owned by my partners parents. I'm now estranged from my dad and have a very strained relationship with my own mother as a result of events that went on whilst living near them, such as lying about smoking when visiting baby, manipulating me, not respecting boundaries and gaslighting me. This has left me very emotionally drained and fed up, my tolerance for bullshit has disappeared and the relationship with my MIL is more strained than ever as she's relentlessly passive aggressive, does what she wants regardless of other feelings or opinions and skirts boundaries all the time, chancing things.

My MIL has never been someone I've liked, she's one of those people that appears nice and doesn't really go out of her way to piss anyone off, but is very passive aggressive and opinionated, very sly and is quite emotionally manipulative towards my partner. Either way, we moved here because we were in dire straights and couldn't afford renting any longer, we're now renting from them at a more reduced rate.

Since being here, she's tried to be in our space constantly, during the first week she came around most days under the guide of being there for maintenance issues even though FIL was there anyway. On one of the days she waited downstairs whilst I napped with my daughter for 2 hours, hoping to see me bring her downstairs. FIL even asked if I was going to take the baby to see MIL but I said no she needs to sleep. She walks in the house without knocking every time she comes over and it's awkward because I feel like I can't say anything as she owns the house and we were expecting her. The visits have reduced but she expects to see us once a week and I can tell that my partner feels pressured to see her, we've had tons of arguments about this and it's really affecting our relationship. He went to see her last week after work and I didn't go because he feels stressed that we're going to argue about some shit MIL has done afterwards, he didn't come home til 7:10pm and I asked for them to be home at 6pm for my babys wind down routine and bedtime. Whilst he was there MIL held them up as much as she could and even offered to feed my daughter supper at theirs (so generous). We had a huge falling out afterwards and it's left me truly defeated. My partner doesn't want to hear criticism anymore and seems to have accepted rolling over for MIL but I don't want to be obliged to do anything, I don't think it's a way to love your life and I hate handing my daughter over to that possessive woman. I just feel very primal about it all and truly feel sick whenever MIL sees, touches or speaks to my daughter, I hate the thought of her using pictures sent to her to show her off etc.

She constantly quizzes me on what LO has for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Asks detailed questions about her development and makes snide comments talking through the baby about not receiving videos or pictures, as well as anything she wants to say to me she'll talk through the baby. When she has LO she doesn't give her back, she doesn't hand her to me especially, she'll avoid it and hand her to my partner and even then she's reluctant. Constantly tried to get my babys attention, turns her away from me.

When we're at her house, she walks off with the baby which sends me into panic and again I feel like such a bitch if i were to say anything and don't want to cause an issue with my partner because MIL would definitely get upset or cry and make me the bad guy. If I don't give LO to her right away, she just holds her hands out and says 'are you going to come?' repeatedly in a baby voice to my daughter that it makes it so awkward not to hand her over. I feel steamrolled. One week, she started cleaning the highchair after LO was finished, in my kitchen and it made me furious, but it's the sort of thing I can't tell her off for because shes being 'helpful'. This week she offered for her to come and look after my baby or do housework for me to help me via a text to my partner and he said no and that I'm fine by myself, then she texted me and I said no and she ignored it. When my partner visited her afterwards, she asked him again and he said no again. She's obviously dying to be super involved but I'm repulsed by it.

Does anyone have experience dealing with a MIL like this? How did/do you survive? I'm really struggling and it's honestly making me feel ill every time LO has to interact with her.

Of course I'm going to be extra irritated when someone with such a bad track record decides to be this involved

You decided to live in their property. You can't have it both ways; benefit from them while judging and being 'repulsed'. What would you do if they didn't offer you cheap rent? Do that.

Jesus wept. How fucking dare she clean a high chair.

Possessive? I think you're projecting.

Of alllll the things, this is the thing people hate the most about my irritation ffs. Yes, she cleaned a high chair and yes it pissed me off but not because she cleaned a fucking high chair, but because she was going through all my cupboards, scrubbing the high chair and anything else that she saw was dirty in my kitchen, all the while making passive aggressive comments about my kid eating pizza (it wasn't pizza, it was an omelette). She didn't ask or tell me she was going to clean the high chair and she turned the whole time as if it was awful id left the high chair dirty for 2 seconds, couldn't fit all this in the original post. I don't know why this pissed me off, I just know it felt like intrusion.

Yes, she's possessive of my daughter. She turns her away from me, drags her back when she's crawling to me so that she's still with her, tries to distract her with toys and noises whenever my daughter so much as looks at my partner or I and she wanders off with my child in her house to God knows where and doesn't tell me. These things aren't huge I know that, but they annoy me and I have a right to be annoyed as a mother if someone is stepping on toes like this.

It sounds like you are quietly seething while everything she does annoys you? If you haven’t had an actual conversation with her you need to asap.

No one is a mind reader, don’t assume what they must know about you.

Time to get the big girl pants on and stand up to someone if you don’t like the way you are treated.

Relax and breath.

With respect, you really do sound like seriously hard work.

So what if your DP was a bit late with 'his' baby because he was with his parents. It's normal. (You're not Hilter).

At this rate you're going to deprive your baby of having any grandparents at all, and that would be down to your lack of emotional intelligence.

YOU need to work at relationships to find an even balance. Otherwise how many people are you going to be estranged from?

Speak up, but kindly!!!

Therapy would really help you. It would also help you understand other people's perspectives and once you have that understanding, you could work it out and strike a happy balance.

Good luck.

I feel very sorry for this Grandma. Don’t you? She was abused by her partner - who you entertain with no feelings of revulsion - and is showing love and care towards her DIL and GD. She is rebuffed, ignored and misunderstood. I’m so sad for her.

YANBU

1. just because they own the house doesn't mean they can just walk in. You pay rent. This wouldn't happen in any other rental agreement.

2. your MIL sounds like a pain in the ass BUT it's a DH problem. He needs to stick up for you and NOT blame you for feeling stressed if he goes to see her. If he knew how to draw a boundary and stick up for you, you wouldn't be (understandably) vulnerable and then there would be no stress

I've been where you are, to a degree. I'm sorry, OP. It's shit. I went NC and so did my SIL. DH and his bro are super super LC.

Op I’ve been in your position. The feeling of being so smothered and trodden on and disregarded and ignored and being treated like the most simplest of boundaries is wrong of you to put in place. You’ve got to the point that even silly small things that you can shrug off with other people are now pissing you off mightily with her.

Don’t let anyone invalidate those feelings.

First thing you need to do is get your dh on board. Your bad relationship with your mil is mostly his fault because he’s rolling over and has let her do what she wants for so long. Not having your back over her being in your private family space all the time for an easy life is wrong. He’s using you as a meat shield. I honestly think you need therapy and if he still can’t set reasonable boundaries with him mother and still can’t see it’s affecting your mental health you need to leave. You need to remind him that he had a baby with you, not his mother, and your mental health is more important than his and his mother’s selfish wants.

Also remind him that if you both can get on board with his mother then dealing with her might be easier for you.

Honestly read this back to yourself and do a reverse

You are the one falling out with your own parents and now the inlaws. Your partner is fed up with your behaviour

She wants to be involved. Shes helped you with accommodation etc. She wants to see her grandchild.

Al perfectly reasonable and normal.

All in-laws irritate a bit pick your battles

It's so interesting that those who have had batshit toxic interfering MILs are saying the OP is not unreasonable. We can all see the traits in OP's MIL and the shit we've had to endure.

To the PP who said the OP was projecting her trauma with her parents on to MIL...please don't. I guarantee you that line or invalidation and gaslighting will be being said to the OP in real life. A therapist wouldn't make that assertion. Pose it as a theory, maybe, but I'm gonna guess nobody on this thread is a qualified and licensed therapist.

You need to move out OP, it's the only answer. I had the passive aggressive MIL from hell too so I know what it's like. The further you move the better.

I think to protect your own relationship, you need to thank your partner when he visits alone or with baby as that gives you a break. Providing you trust him with your little one, let him visit with her. Weekly is not that much if they are nearby. Don't make him feel guilty for this or force him to chose between you and his parents.
I think you need to try and reframe this. None of what MIL is doing is nasty. You think it is passive aggressive but try and appreciate it at face value. When she tidies/ wipes chair, just smile and thank her for being helpful. Try and reimagine that she just lives you all and wants to be helpful. At same time, agree some boundaries with your partner and ask him to agree them with his parents.
They should not be entering house unannounced unless you have agreed that.
Why are you anxious when she has the baby? Do you think she is not safe with her? Grandmas usually live too sirens time with grandchildren and she is not insisting on overnight stays or all the other stuff you read. Take advantage of this. Have a night out with partner. Get some jobs done around house. Start to control the situation to your advantage so she gets time with baby and you get to do some things you want. Stop seeing her as the enemy and start to see her as your partners mum. I had a dreadful MIL but I always remembered she had produced the man I loved and that really helped me to care about her.

I get you@Kitkatgoosie .
My dm’s mil was like this. My dm has never got over it. 60 years later she still resents the implication by words and actions that she wasn’t a fit mother.

Dont think you have to stay quiet. Stand up for yourself and your dd. If you’re renting then it’s your home and you do not have to let your LL’s in whatever their relationship.

Cleaning the high chair etc is only helpful if you feel helped.

If someone went unasked into your bedroom & started rearranging your underwear drawer under the guise of being helpful, then everyone would understand why you don’t want your pants tidied.

The problem is you’ve got the MIL equivalent of ‘the ick’ so everything she does annoys you. Some of what she does would annoy other people & some would be able to shrug it off.

Think about some strategies for particular problems.

1. Install a chain for the front door or a high up bolt. Nothing to do with MIL - you want to feel safer when opening the door, and it will be helpful to stop DD getting out when she can reach the handle.
2. She starts cleaning the kitchen, say ‘Thank you’ and take DD ‘out of the way’ to play. Try & direct her to something (as though she was your DP). Eg ‘Would you mind giving the cooker a wipe over too?’ Try & change the dynamic to you directing her, rather than her passive aggressively implying that you’ve missed jobs.
3. Try not to feel threatened by her trying to get DD’s attention, DD knows you’re her Mum. Do intervene if what she is doing is annoying DD (rather than annoying you).

Good luck!

You've posted about your mil before and was told you were unreasonable then. You've fell out with both of your parents I wouldn't demand an adult doesn't smoke they should just wash their hands. Sounds like everyone's the problem and not you which might be the opposite.

This is the key issue that many posters are missing here.

I think you're feeling infantalised, unable to assert your normal boundaries because she's your mother in-law and your living circumstances. I sense that you feel quite small in comparison to her, and it doesn't surprise me when you say you feel steamrolled. It might be difficult for people to imagine what the issue might be here, given some of it is quite subtle, like the chair cleaning thing. There are some women on here as well that seem to be blissfully ignorant of how 'generosity' operates in people that are fairly controlling or self-serving.

I'm not saying the mother in law is a bad person. She might have no idea her actions are upsetting you, , but it's perfectly possible to infantilise and demean someone by doing things that would normally be regarded as helpful. As we all know, it's not just someone's actions that count, but how they do it and what they're intention is.

I think you feel a bit powerless in this situation, and unable to say no without causing quite a bit of upset, and that can be quite suffocating. It doesn't help relations.

I'm concerned that you say that you can't afford to rent anywhere else. My normal advice for you to improve your relationship with her would be for you to main greater distance, to help you feel a bit more empowered.

Rent your own house without the massive discount

Problem solved

I've had one of each. What I didn't do is hand MIL1 all my power by moving into her property. Regardless of whether OP's MIL is terrible or OP is acting out her parental trauma on MIL, either way, don't lie down with what you perceive to be dogs.

It sounds like you feel she's stepping on your toes and that's OK to feel. There is a boundary issue and a lot of grandparents don't like to acknowledge it.

It may be their house but when you're living there it becomes your space. Just like in a contract with any landlord tenants are entitled to peaceful living. They should knock and wait to be allowed inside.

I don't think it's right that parents are usually told to be grateful whilst your in laws are forcing themselves on you.

Things like wiping down the highchair although not harmful can feel like she's overstepping her role. It's not her duty to tend to things regarding your child. It's different if she offers to help like "oh, shall I quickly get this for you" as opposed to just doing something as she sees it as her job when it isn't. It's an emotional thing. Especially if you feel she's quite demanding with your daughter, wanting frequent visits etc. It can also feel like there's an underlying implication that they don't think you're good enough. There is definitely a difference in the way it's approached. It's best if people just leave things unless it's clear that help would be needed as sometimes it's unnecessary. I'd feel the same if it was my own mum too, or my sister.

Grandparents need to understand that they cannot invite themselves or request things like visits or sleepovers to suit them as it's not their child.

Everyone deserves their own space and that includes choosing when and where they see family. Seeing grandchildren is not a right, it's a privilege.

I get it and I have a healthy relationship with my mum.

Also want to add that if your partner doesn't want to tell her, you can absolutely say something to her even through text. Your mental health comes before her feelings and how she reacts to any boundary is not your responsibility.

And regarding her showing pictures of your daughter, is it that you don't know the people she's showing/sending them to? If so you have the right to tell her to only show pictures to family you know and/or not to have pictures go any further than her own phone.
Afterall, no one else cares about other people's children, do they, so she doesn't need to be showing anyone your daughter.

Take my advice: don’t go to war with the in-laws. It never ends well and it will cause you untold misery.

Your partner loves his parents and he doesn’t feel the way you do about their involvement.

You have not said these people are a risk to your child so allow her to visit with your husband.

Keep your contact to a minimum with them, keep conversations very light.

Could you have PND?

They will eventually back off. If she texts to say she visiting get your husband to say ‘now isn’t a good time’ or ‘I will pop over tomorrow I’m tired tonight’ etc

These people can be handled.

You are getting stick on this thread because of the tone of your post. It feels full of hatred. You may hate her but god you need to manage this better or your life is going to be miserable. You can’t change these people - you can change your reaction to them though.

Also don’t expect your husband to view them through your eyes. And nor should you attack him for their actions. As that will achieve nothing at all - well nothing good

Honestly.... this

OP, setting boundaries isn't saying "no".
Take the housework example. She probably just thought you were being polite. Elaborate on your no. You might have to put your big girl pants on. Say "MiL when you say that I feel that you are smothering me and saying I'm not doing it to the proper standard. I appreciate that this might not be what you intend but it's what I hear. If I need your help, I will ask - I appreciate the offer"
However - you're living in her house at a subsidised rate. You're learning that most times in life you pay anyway.

I think you've had a bit of a hard time here OP. Your MIL sounds like she genuinely means well, she wants a close relationship with her grandchild, but she's over stepping. She might be overly asserting herself because she feels that you are trying to keep her at arms length. It sounds like a bit of a power struggle (especially the part about her delaying your DD and partner coming home).

You don't have to like MIL, but you need to learn to live with her. If I were you I'd keep the front door locked so she can't just walk in. Get on the same page with your partner. If she takes your baby out the room/away from you just ask her to bring her back. You don't have to hand over your baby just because someone asks for them, just say "I think she's happy where she is for now but maybe later!".

I have had a few instances like this with my MIL which mainly centre around her trying to erase me 😂 trying to plan things that she knows I can't/wont attend etc or trying to do things with DH (without me!) that she knows we have planned to do together. Luckily my husband knows her through and through and sees it before I do.

As much as I genuinely care for her and maintain a solid relationship, I know that she will always kind of see me as being 'in the way' which is a shame.

Thank you for this, I really appreciate this advice and solidarity. I think you are right and I just have to learn to live with her. I think I struggle with these situations because my upbringing was so bad, when people wrong me I have a tendency to want no more to do with them, that doesn't work in this scenario so I've been feeling a bit trapped and overwhelmed. I need to change my mindset and learn to manage this as best as I can.