What would your DH’s response to this situation have been?

[JunglePrint]

A couple of days away in Dorset, to a place we love, I am six months pregnant, our last chance for a bit of a break before baby comes.

We go to one of those car parks that’s in a field, it’s busy because it’s half term but there is one very awkwardly shaped space left. But it looks fine, I can drive in there no problem. The parking attendant first says to me, ‘lots of people prefer to reverse in this spot,’ but I say I’ll be okay thank you. It is tight however, so I tell DH to get out of the car as there might not be much space on the passenger side for him to open the door.

He gets out, I drive in, it’s fine. Everything is fine! But then the parking chap is still going on about do I want to adjust my position, and I have DH saying to put my wheel down on a hard left and reverse back… it was starting to annoy me. If I’d done what DH suggested I’d have scraped the rear of the car and this bloke hovering around was getting on my nerves.

So, I got out of the car, gave the keys to DH and said, ‘you do it then!’ At which point, DH and the parking attendant decided that actually it was parked just fine and they’d leave it there.

I’d be curious to know what your DH’s response to this would be.

For context, he knows I hate people watching me when I park (even though I can do it easily), and I know that he is very sensitive to what other people think of him.

I agree. It's really concerning the way he sulked and ruined the day. You say he is otherwise amazing so we'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but I would firmly push back on his narrative about this situation, and also strongly encourage therapy for his social anxiety so he doesn't pass it on to your DC.

But should it not be starting with ‘you don’t needlessly criticise your partner’?

Because I dint think it’s surprising that someone reacts to such behaviour and I don’t think criticising the person reacting but not the person who created the issue in the first place is right.

Maybe being slightly PA wasn’t the best answer. But ganging on the OP with the parking attendant was worse imo.
And a strong reaction from the OP was deserved.

If the parking attendant bloke had kept on my DH would’ve told him to eff off I’m afraid

OP wasn't flustered parking the car, she was annoyed by her husband and the parking attendant telling her how to...and rightly fucking so

But that wasn't actually why she posted.

Her main problem was her husband's extreme and long-drawn-out reaction to the whole parking debacle.

So? I was responding to that post in particular about being flustered.

In regards to your OP I tend to respond to unsolicited advice from DH by saying 'who's driving/ doing X?' a bit like Queenie in Blackadder saying 'who's queen?' usually diffuses the situation and he stops. Your update makes him sound like hard work. If his anxiety etc in social situations is so bad he needs strategies for dealing with it instead of expecting you to modify your behaviour. He sounds a bit like one of my friend's partner and I don't know how she puts up with it.

I also bet the parking guy wouldn't have kept on if you'd have been a man though!

You were (quite understandably IMO) snappy, he is allowed to find that embarrassing, but to have it ruin your whole day? He needs to get over himself. DP is going to struggle with parenting and marriage if he's this bad at shaking things off. Holding grudges to the point it ruins a destination for you is toxic. You had a bicker, no one died.

How was his upbringing? I wonder if he had overbearing, emotionally immature parents where he was not allowed to have an opinion?

Also - this is sexism in action. I've NEVER seen two women trying to tell a man how to park.

It's actually really manipulative of him to say that you making one slightly snappy remark will ruin the beach for him forever, if you think about it. That's HIS issue.

Also a suggestion - you need to practise not taking on his emotional weight so he doesn't drag you down. Very tricky, but possible.

I feel sad for you leaving the beach because your husband was sulking and now says the place is tainted by the memory of this tiny incident. He has the maturity of a 3 year old. And he sides with random strangers against you because of potentially being judged by random strangers!

I'm sorry but he sounds like a massive, childish pain in the arse with no empathy for you at all. I hope I'm wrong.

I’ve just brought up again that I think it’s sad he doesn’t want to go back to the beach for the sake of one snappy remark.

“It wasn’t one snappy remark though was it, it was the whole afternoon that followed. You go back to places because you have happy memories of them, but I don’t want to be reminded of that. It is sad. But there are other places.”

To an extent I was the same as your husband, a very private person who got embarrassed at tiffs and similar situations in public. I recognised that I was the abnormal one and spoke with a therapist to try and address it.

They suggested that I purposely put myself into embarrassing situations to condition myself into not caring what others think. This worked for me. At one point, when I was shopping in the supermarket, I would do things like holding a bottle of milk and asking a worker “excuse me, is this milk?” They must’ve thought I was nuts! 😂

Thankfully now I am not like that. My wife is happier after I worked on my social anxieties (it used to drive her mad).

I suggest that you be as supportive and understanding as you can in helping him address his issues. It really can be uncontrollable and somewhat debilitating.

The ‘whole afternoon that followed’ was me suggesting other places we could go to/do, I was trying to rescue the day. I was saying to him not to let one incident ruin the whole day, that we’d been looking forward to coming down. He maintained he wasn’t feeling relaxed, wasn’t feeling happy, didn’t want to go or do anything else, wasn’t hungry, didn’t want to go for a coffee or a walk, so eventually we did go home. That was ‘the whole afternoon that followed.’

Is this your first baby?

I think your husband is going to have to toughen up if he's so easily embarrassed.

Is it Burton Bradstock OP? That car park is a bugger.

He does know that the role of a child is to embarrass parents doesn’t he. How is he going to cope?

I agree with PP that he needs to learn strategies to not let his worries about what other people think affect him. Once you have a child it will be unbearable otherwise. Its also incredibly irritating being with someone who is so paranoid about others opinions that they nag you to keep quiet or adjust your (perfectly harmless/normal) behaviour. Its like they care more about strangers than you which feels awful.

He sounds like a drama lama. My dh has 'helpfully' tried to direct me into spaces before. It's really annoying if I don't feel I need it. If I'd have done what you'd done he'd prob roll his eyes and make a joke. Then we'd get over it and move on.

OP, I certainly have no wish to alarm you, but I think your husband has behaved really appallingly.
The parking is a minor issue, but his tantrum, sulk, insistng you leave with the added statement that the place and memories are forever spoiled is frankly unhinged.

He has blown a minor issue up into a huge thing and is making a real effort to make you feel bad and undermine your potential as a mother.
Really fxxked up of him, and so nasty.

It concerns me that you are pregnant and what the future holds, because his behaviour is not normal, healthy and IMO a red flag for potentially abusive behaviour.

It is great you can see this is not good.
Listen to your gut, keep your family and friends close and think about does he like to make you feel bad about things?
It can be subtle, but is there a pattern.

Unfortunately pregnancy and new babies tend to show the true colours of some men.
I sincerely hope this isn't the case with you, but how the hell he is going to cope with a baby/toddler and the stress of that when he is determined to ruin a day out and cause such drama over something SO small, IS worrying.
Mind yourself and keep family close.

How very narcissistic to ruin the whole afternoon because of something small that annoyed him.

Unhinged and really messed up.
Is EVERYTHING about HIM?

It sure sounds like it is.

My dh would have told the parking attendant to leave me be, if he was obviously stressing me.
But that's because only my dh is allowed to mansplain , direct and criticise my driving 🤣.

Tbh, that all just sounds like a non issue that should have been forgotten about within 5 minutes.

How your dh acted afterwards seems to be the real issue.
Perhaps he is training you for toddler tantrums.

He'd have already given his opinion on whether it was best to reverse in (and would no doubt have said it was as he's very keen on this!) I would have said 'I'm driving so I decide'. He'd have said 'fair enough'. When the parking guy started he would have had a bit of a smug look on his face about it. However if he saw me getting flustered he'd have said 'ignore him' and probably said 'we're alright mate thanks' to the guy. Afterwards he'd have probably told me that he and the guy were right.

I married a man that valued the opinions of everyone else over mine. What Other People Think was tremendously vital to him and he was constantly afraid that I wasn't 'behaving' and that we were 'doing things wrong' and weren't normal. It was oppressive and controlling. I stayed way longer than I should have.

Your DH values the opinion of Random Parking Attendant over you.

My DH valued the opinion of midwives over me at the end of my pregnancy. I nearly died.

He valued the opinion of everyone else over me for ten years. I practically disappeared. I'm still healing now several years later. This is serious.

Jesus, he's a precious, delicate little flower, isn't he?

Go where you want with the baby. He can stay at home feeling sorry for himself and mithering about whether the neighbours might think there's something not right because you don't go everywhere joined at the hip anymore.

My husband would actually prefer me to do this,
as for the parking attendant I'd have asked what the problem was.
Just for context there are no kids, I'm in my forties, husband significantly older (very good driver).
A bit odd. 😐