What would your DH’s response to this situation have been?

[JunglePrint]

A couple of days away in Dorset, to a place we love, I am six months pregnant, our last chance for a bit of a break before baby comes.

We go to one of those car parks that’s in a field, it’s busy because it’s half term but there is one very awkwardly shaped space left. But it looks fine, I can drive in there no problem. The parking attendant first says to me, ‘lots of people prefer to reverse in this spot,’ but I say I’ll be okay thank you. It is tight however, so I tell DH to get out of the car as there might not be much space on the passenger side for him to open the door.

He gets out, I drive in, it’s fine. Everything is fine! But then the parking chap is still going on about do I want to adjust my position, and I have DH saying to put my wheel down on a hard left and reverse back… it was starting to annoy me. If I’d done what DH suggested I’d have scraped the rear of the car and this bloke hovering around was getting on my nerves.

So, I got out of the car, gave the keys to DH and said, ‘you do it then!’ At which point, DH and the parking attendant decided that actually it was parked just fine and they’d leave it there.

I’d be curious to know what your DH’s response to this would be.

For context, he knows I hate people watching me when I park (even though I can do it easily), and I know that he is very sensitive to what other people think of him.

Cross posted with your update also.

It's really hard to judge without knowing how you two normally interact, and how shocked/upset he would have been at your response, but it does sound really oversensitive from him. And certainly doesn't seem to merit his extreme response/embarrassment, and comments about the place/day being ruined.

I think in this situation my DP would probably be more concerned that he'd upset me than nursing his own ego!

If he's not normally like this, I can see why you'd be worried and confused. Do you think he could be using this minor issue as an outlet for other, bottled concerns? Or wanting an excuse to start an argument?

Edited to add missing word/typo.

Personally I would always reverse into a space and encourage who was driving to do the same - makes getting out so much easier normally (depending on space, sometimes getting out a busy car park if someone else has parked close makes it tricky).

I would have offered to take over and reverse in IF I genuinely felt that was the best option . But the reaction to it is weird. Its an argument over nothing (although in a previous relationship we did that a lot) but to say it ruined the day is a bit much.

Your DH sounds really, really socially anxious and insecure

Yes, he is. It has always been a quirk of his that he is so concerned about what strangers might think! He is also a bit low in confidence when in groups. He’s definitely not ‘one of the lads.’

He’s normally very thoughtful, easygoing, kind, considerate. But then this very weird anxious response to a tiff in public.

I think it’s interesting what some of you have said about him actually worrying about what the guy was saying/thinking before I even got out of the car. He would never be the type to say ‘we’re okay thanks,’ as again he would think it would be rude. So if he was already thinking that, then I got out of the car and told him to park, maybe that wasn’t the start of the issue but actually compounding it for him?

Wow. He sounds like a prick OP.

I can’t stand people who care more about what a random person thinks over what else is going on. My father was like that, concerned more about keeping up appearances with randoms, than the people who should have mattered, his family. He also ruined many days out and holidays over it, held grudges and had OTT reactions.

I know your said he’s not usually a prick, but I’d keep an eye on these traits OP, especially with a child on the way.

I'm wondering why there was an awkward space when there was a parking attendant. They are usually officiously pointing aggressively at where they want you, so there aren't any oddly shaped spaces. I have said the same and your DH was overly sensitive and dramatic.

He’s going to need to get a lot better with dealing with others having opinions and making judgements when you have a child. You baby will scream, your toddler will tantrum, your teen may gob off at you in public. No point feeling awkward and embarrassed, he needs to prioritise his child and learn to ignore the stares, comments and judgements which are inevitable from some people. If he doesn’t, he’s got a miserable time ahead. He’ll also possibly pass his feelings onto his child which is unfair.

Handing him the keys and telling him “you do it then” was maybe not the best. It suggests that you were probably more flustered than you suggest as it sounds a passive aggressive action. I wonder how you would you react if he did this to you?

That’s interesting because that is exactly what he said to me yesterday. He said it worries him because if strangers make comments on the child, how would I react?

(Which completely confused me because I frankly don’t mind what people think of me, I work with children who have SEN so I have sadly seen and heard such comments all before, and I’ve been on here for fifteen years so am fully expecting all the un-warranted comments, in fact they’ve already started with regard to my pregnancy!)

And I was thinking no surely we are going to think about how you respond when DC is having a mini tantrum on the floor of the fruit aisle?

Good point and I agree with you, but I can confidently say we’d never have been in that position because I would have trusted him and left him to it. I’d have thought he already would have had one spectator-commentator and wouldn’t need another.

This is such a good point. If a newborn is screaming in public, people will look. If a toddler is going off on one, people will look. How on earth will he cope if a young child is 'causing a scene' fgs, and he's going to be in for a rough ride once his child hits the rebellious teen stage.

Your H is bonkers!!! My DP wouldn't have joined in with telling me how to park. Would have told the parking attendant to bugger off! If I'd got a bit grumpy he'd have checked I was ok and given me a hug if I wanted one. It wouldn't have marred our day out at all.

I am ASD so can be a little quick to meltdown / explode so my DP is used to having to give me a hug when things are frustrating or people harass me.

This. My boyfriend’s wife spent 25 years not driving and he drove everywhere but then he got together with me (his parents didn’t drive either) and the first few times he gave me helpful advice and I told him I didn’t need it and if he carried on - he would get the same back. He stopped immediately.

I think the issue here is the drip feed, your husband is socially anxious, and insecure, I think on one hand you asked him to make allowances as you’re pregnant, but you seem to not be willing to make allowances for him. You already knew he had significant issues with social interactions.

i mean I won’t lie, I couldn’t be doing with all his drama llama nonsense and havering on and being all emotional, but then I’d not have got with a bloke like that, no matter how lovely it would give me the ick. But yoh did. So in future I’d advise understanding his issues and trying to manage it, there is no other way round it. He can’t cope and he can’t let it go.

If you still wish to know, my husband wouldn’t have got involved in a parking discussion, he’d not have cared, but if I said yoh do it in a grump, he’d have laughed and said alright then if there was an issue with the parking. However I’ve also a mouth on me and would have simply said to parking bloke, off you pop mate I’ve got this.

Ugh, I know someone like this. They pick and pick and when you react you're "causing a scene".

He wasn't driving. You'd parked. He caused the situation by commenting unnecessarily. If he was embarrassed, it's completely his own fault.

I think he’s projecting. You were perfectly capable of handling the situation, even the car parking attendant giving advice. You only reacted to him feeling pressure from the parking attendant and joining in giving advice, which is understandable as he’s your husband. You can’t help a random man giving advice, but you should be able to expect your husband not to join in.

The same if you’re baby is screaming. You will deal with a judgemental comment from a random who doesn’t matter, but not one from your husband telling you to do better at keeping the baby quiet.

In that situation, my DH wouldn't have agreed with the (complete stranger / mansplaining / not his problem if I ding the car) attendant. He wouldn't have told me to re-park a perfectly well parked car.

The opinion of the parking attendant was in that moment more important to him than yours.

Your reaction was perhaps a bit over the top. I think I'd have just said 'It's absolutely fine. I don't need help', put the keys in my pocket and walked away without a backward glance.

I can't bear it when people give unsolicited advice, particuarly people who are strangers to me. (And when I say people, it's almost always men who do this).

OP asked what your DH would do after her particular words in the particular situation, mine would take the key, access the situation for the possible damage if it's tight (and OP mentioned the possibilty of it, she wasn't parking in a big open field) and then would calm me down with words or hug. That's what my DH usually does. It works in our family.

??? if there was no damage to ours or other car mine would forgot it in 5 sec.

OPs husband caused the situation. His worrying about what a random car parking attendant may think, made him start giving unwanted advice and annoying OP. If my partner did that and then offered me a hug, he’d be told to piss off.

Exactly this. And I bet the parking guy wouldn't have commented if it was the bloke parking.

'Course he fucking wouldn't. Misogynistic maggot.

My DH became mortified that I had ‘embarrassed him in public in front of a stranger,’ as we are ‘not the kind of people who argue in public and cause a scene.’ He continued that I know he’s a ‘private’ person and so it was really embarrassing for him.

He caused the fucking scene by bro-ing up to the parking dude instead of telling him all was good. He was quite happy to join in the berating of the little woman and when you stood up for yourself his ego got all shattered.

And this would not have happened if the sexes were revered because parking dude would not have bleated about another man.

What a drama llama!

In the original situation I expect my husband would have said something like "she'll be fine" or "I'd leave her to it if I were you" (as he knows I hate having people tell me what to do) to the parking attendant and that would have been the end of it.

He ruined the day with his silly overreaction. What a prat.

I hate parking and I'm not good at it. Also 6 months pregnant.

I think my partner would understand why I got flustered and snapped a bit and just be a bit like 😬 he wouldn't argue with me about it or anything.

Absolutely no damage anywhere.

The space was the last on a line and hard to explain but the entrance to the space was very narrow, but then it opened up. There was a car to the left of me and a stone wall to the right (and two bloody jokers in the middle!), so I had to be very careful as I entered the space, but it was fine.

DH later said, 'both me and the guy were worried you might scrape the car on the wall, it was SO tight,' to which I replied, 'but I didn't, did I...?'

Sounds like a massive overreaction on his part. How frustrating for you OP if this is how he reacts to a little tiff.