Mother in Law Favouring Daughter's Children

[Willsoo]

Hi. Does anyone else find their mother-in-law favours their daughter’s children? I have two boys and my mother-in-law use to be very close to them, especially the first. Since my sister in laws boys have been born, I feel this has completely changed. There is one rule for her child and one for mine. I’m worried because my sister-in-law has another one on the way. We have now moved further away (250 miles to be exact) because of this. My sister in law’s child is so attached to her that he cries when she isn’t in the same room as him. This is difficult when we now visit as my two children don’t tend to get any quality time with their grandparents, especially when she is minding him four days a week.
My mother-in-law will make up excuses for my nephew as he is a difficult child and they tend to defend him over my own. I’m just sick of it. Does anyone else find a similar situation? Any ways to deal with this or just accept that it is the way it is?

it might help to understand it if you examine the family history-was your sil the favourite ?

however you can’t change your mil, so I’d concentrate on your spouse and children.ultimately it’s your mil who’ll loose out, I doubt your children are really bothered

I live in a different country to my parents and my sister. We are both female. Her kids live 7 miles from their grandparents. Mine live 3000 miles away but that could just as easily be the 250 miles away that you live. Of course their relationship is going to be different to yours as they are there all the time. I used to feel this way and always felt that when I told them what my kids were up to the response from my mum was what my nephews and nieces were up to. I was talking about this to a family friend once at a family wedding over there. She told me my sister got the same. Although she had more of them physically apparently my mum who never praised me or my kids to me was always speaking about what we were doing in a proud way (and annoying my sister).

I learned to accept it didn't mean they didn't love us just that the relationships were conducted in a different way. Life became a lot easier and less stressful as a result.

You moved 250 miles away. Obviously it’s going to seem she has a closer bond with the one she sees most daily.

Doesn’t mean she loves them more. There is a difference.

You cannot change this situation.
Accept it and protect your children as much as you can. Focus on other relationships. You cannot change your MIL.

Tbf I think it’s quite usual for mother/daughter to be closer than mother/daughter in law, and therefore be closer to their children. She will feel a lot more comfortable to get involved/give advice and generally participate in grandparenting with her own daughter’s children. There is an automatic distance between MIL/DIL re not wanting to overstep and that will mean a bit of a barrier, IMO.

We have now moved further away (250 miles to be exact) because of this.

I struggle to believe you moved, changed jobs / schools because MIL not being attentive enough

My sister in law’s child is so attached to her that he cries when she isn’t in the same room as him

I struggle to believe this full stop

It isn’t a surprise she’s closer to a child she looks after 4 days a week, is it?

Yes this is our situation. Sil lives in same town and we live 45 min away.

Mil and fil use to had dn all the time then moan if we asked for childcare once every few months.

They would treat dn regularly

Saw her/took her out several times a week. Would se us once or twice a month

Dh is fine with it but I struggled a lot . It got easier as they have got older but basically I had to find a way to accept it

And if your nephew is young enough to cry when his primary caregiver isn’t in the room, and he isn’t at school, I assume he’s 2 or 3.

A little young for you to deem him a “difficult child”, no?

You moved 250miles away what did you think would happen?

I think it's just one of those situations you have to accept is going to happen especially when you move away so far and also she is providing such extensive childcare for the other grandchild. It's natural that MILs tend to be closer to their own daughters and by extension their children - I read somewhere previously it's a biological thing as she knows she is related to the children of her daughter

I think you'll just have to accept the way it Is.
My own mum can be seemln to favour my daughter to some of the other grandchildren... she will do anything for any of them!
But she sees mine the most..I'm a single parent and I need more help than my siblings. It's the circumstances..and your SIL is probably really struggling ...she will always be your MILs baby... she's just looking after her daughter and of course that will look different to how she is with you..

Yes. Had this for years. FIL once referred to my nephews as 'ours'.
They've favoured SIL over DH for years though so wouldn't expect any different.

This is probably close to the way it is for MIL. It's possible that she feels defensive and even embarrassed about the 'difficult child' and responsible for their behaviour as she is caring for them very regularly.
I'm sure she will be full of praise for your children.
I see a similar dynamic in parts of my family where 2 siblings and their children have become almost competitive over their mother/ grandmother. She is always praising them to eachother, but never gives direct praise. As a third party I can see that they're all loved but they can't quite see it and compete to be the favourite.

My mother in law and father in law always favoured their youngest daughter and her 4 children to the detriment of all the other grandchildren. It meant when they grew up they only saw those four. My SIL even rented a house opposite ours when her marriage broke up and MILand FIL visited every day! Not once did they come say hello to our 3! Hence they considered my side of the family as their only grandparents!

We have it the opposite way around and my Mum by far favours my brother's children. Again she was really good with my (and my sister's kids) until my brother had kids and then ours were left in the dust. After says she never wanted to do regular childcare (which I absolutely understand), low and behold she is willing to do it for him!

It's been a few years now and I have just had to accept it, but it has changed my relationship with my Mum forever and we are now very LC. I am so sad about it but you can't change it. I told my Mum how I feel a few times but she just buries her head in the sand.

Luckily I am very close to my IL's and they are a great support to us.

Yep deffo experience this and I feel the frustration and pain. It feels so unjust to see the other grandkids be favoured over your own as you worry the children will one day notice and internalise it. MIL a wonderful person so i would have loved that same care but I do think mothers feel more comfortable with their own daughters even if a good relationship with their daughter in law, and I realised a lot of the favouritism is part of a wider family dynamic that far predates me or my kids arrival. SIL gets doted on and will literally pass all responsibility for her kids over to her parents, get loads of help and asking things of them I never would etc, they changed working patterns so could provide childcare, taken the kids for weeks and weeks at a time so she could have a break, taken them on holidays etc.

in comparison, They haven’t once had our kids for even a day.

It used to eat me up but I realised it wasn’t going to change and was wasted energy.

However it has meant I decline invitations for big family holidays etc as it is impossible not to see the difference when in a big group.

My in laws always favoured by brother in laws children. To the point where they would be given gifts at events easter eggs etc and my children wouldn't be. They live further away and the excuse is they didn't see them as often. Easily solved as now they don't see mine often either. I'm not putting my children in an environment where they are made to feel sad. They favour my brother in law in everything and I've even suggested to my husband we don't need the kind of sadness it brings to him and it may be worth not seeing them at all.

I came here to say this. It's instinctive for a grandmother to favour her daughter's children over her son's, even when the son is the golden child. Also the daughter's children carry more of her DNA, particularly her boys.

Yes, of course women are capable of overriding their instincts - but they have to be aware of them first.

It is all a very complicated area. I agree that often a mother will see more of her daughters children than sons. I used to go to my parents several times a week when I had small children, just for some adult company and a change of scenery. My SILs did same with their mother's. I was happy to take parenting advice from my mum and happy for my parents to make the rules of I left my kids with them. My mum looked after my oldest for one day a week until my second was born. I was then SAHM . When my youngest brothers wife left him and he had 4 young children, my parents started to support him with school pick ups and meals and that continued for years. This 4 grandchildren are much closer to their grandparents than their other 9 grand kids.
My oldest brother died so my parents now very much support his wife and help her manage house and garden where they can. I would love help with my garden but am not a widow so do see she is the priority.
I used to feel that whenever I spoke to my parents they would just talk about all their other grandkids but I then found out the same was happening to us all, and mum obviously felt like she was the one who kept us all in the loop as to family news.
I genuinely think they offer help and support where they think most needed but I also know that if I asked for support they would give it.
I already worry about how we get this right when we are grandparents especially as we have 2 daughters who may well settle abroad. I think even if you try hard to be fair, it can still be perceived as not fair.

My MIL has two grandchildren, my DS and his cousin who is male & a few years older. His father is DH brother & neither of them are the golden child (that’s another one)

We always got the comparisons that my DS was so much more difficult than his cousin. MIL had the other grandkid for weekends or for a week (especially when he was older & at school) but she only ever had DS for one afternoon alone. Both families lived an equal & significant distance away from her (~100 miles) so there was never any wrap around care or just popping in type visits.

I know she was a bit older when DS came along but basically she was never that interested & because he wasn’t content to do what she wanted (sit quietly & read or colouring in) but was more interested in Lego she said he was too difficult for her.

I very much saw it as her loss they didn’t want a closer relationship with their grandchild, I certainly wasn’t going to push her into having time with my son when she clearly wasn’t interested.

I think you just have to accept it and if possible try to ensure there are other adults in your children’s lives they have a relationship with.

This isn't unusual, as daughters are often closer to their mothers.
I never had this with my MIL, but my sister did.

Her MIL was and I'd say still is closer to her daughters kids. Her relationship with my BIL is not as close. I can see it myself. He doesn't communicate with her as much as his sisters do. His sisters go on holidays with her and he would NEVER do that.

My sister had said it's his fault that she's closer to the other grandkids. My nieces see it too, but can't be bothered anymore, as they're older now (20s) and their Grandma has improved in this area over the years.

you moved 250 miles away and uprooted your lives because you mil favoured her other grandchildren??? …..are you for real?🙄

Did I understand correctly? You’re 250miles away and MIL babysits DN 4 days a week? Obviously they’re going to be closer
you said you moved ‘because of this’ surely that’s not true? That seems drastic?
you say MIL is always defending him, why does she need to? It sounds like you’re describing very young children, surely they don’t need ‘defending‘
Is it possible she’s right too, that he is high needs?
I do think it’s fairly normal for MILs to be closer to their daughters children, because they’re often naturally closer to their daughters and their daughters (rather than their sons) are often the ones doing most of the parenting and arrangements. It’s a shame and You can’t really make her change but if you know she has DN for 4 days a week, can you visit on different days?