Mother in Law Favouring Daughter's Children

[Willsoo]

Hi. Does anyone else find their mother-in-law favours their daughter’s children? I have two boys and my mother-in-law use to be very close to them, especially the first. Since my sister in laws boys have been born, I feel this has completely changed. There is one rule for her child and one for mine. I’m worried because my sister-in-law has another one on the way. We have now moved further away (250 miles to be exact) because of this. My sister in law’s child is so attached to her that he cries when she isn’t in the same room as him. This is difficult when we now visit as my two children don’t tend to get any quality time with their grandparents, especially when she is minding him four days a week.
My mother-in-law will make up excuses for my nephew as he is a difficult child and they tend to defend him over my own. I’m just sick of it. Does anyone else find a similar situation? Any ways to deal with this or just accept that it is the way it is?

Yes, this is a bit mad. Of course she’s closer to a child she sees frequently, because they live close by and she’s looks after him four days a week. Why is that an issue?

Or could it be that the sister in law makes more effort to see her mum and involve her in family life, therefore she has a better connection with SIL’s children, which you are portraying as favouritism.

my brother used to go on about how my mum favours my children , I don’t see it as favouring however I do involve my mum in weekends away, we invite her to dance shows, boys brigade events, she came to school shows me presentations whereas it took my brother to visit on Christmas Day at times.

my mil was involved more in her daughters children’s lives but she made more of an effort to involve her than my dh, her son, did.

We have now moved further away (250 miles to be exact) because of this.

Εh!? This cannot be real, and if it is, did you think it would rectify things and bring them closer? 🤔

My MiL favoured our DC but we didn’t realise it until after she died and DHs siblings started discussing what she had done for their children. In particular, we discovered that our’s got much better presents. My paternal grandmother hated my mother and transferred her dislike onto us. Even as a child I determined I would be a better MiL.

Perhaps there is more to it than meets the eye. A difficult child may have additional needs that you don't know about and, based on how you've come across in your post, they may not want to share with you.

I say this from experience. My difficult child is newly diagnosed autistic. We knew from a very young age. We only told my mum we were going through the assessment process. Now they have the diagnosis we have told more people, but there are lots of people we haven't because they have been so judgemental and not supportive (which, in this post I'm sorry to say is how you're coming across).

If MiL lives closer and sees the child more often, they will naturally be closer and she will understand the child more.

Aside from being upset when MiL leaves the room, what else is difficult behaviour?

My own mum used to totally dote on my eldest, but then two more younger grandchildren came along who live 100 miles closer to her. I feel as though she prefers them too, but they are in the baby/toddler stage and, as I said, my eldest now displays "difficult behaviour".

I wonder how your SiL is and whether she'd appreciate any support...

Oh, just to say, she appears to prefer the two younger grandchildren. But she still absolutely loves mine and is also very fair in how to split her time (if needed) and with presents and support. She loves mine no less and I don't think she actually prefers the younger two, I think she's just able to see them more and they're fun at that age, not demanding like my eldest and my toddler!!!!

@Muthaofcats almost exactly what I was going to say. And this not a DD/DDIL scenario at all. Two sisters, DM definitely favoured sisters children over mine. Yes, we lived further away (ironically in a place my parents were going to move to) but my niece was born 2 weeks after my DD and from the outset it was clear how it was going to be. Parents visited at birth and then never again, sister had mum caring and supporting every day. As children grew, it became obvious everytime I took her that she didn't get a look in, so when she was about 3 I told my parents I wasn't making the effort anymore. We don't do family holidays or trips out, never had a full family gathering. I gave birth to a son 5 years later and it was clear they wanted him to be the golden child (a boy!) but I stopped it all. Made it quite clear they'd never done a thing with DD and they weren't swooping in now. My parents are now very poorly and their life is full of regrets. I've had to listen to them repeatedly wishing they'd done more with my children and I've basically told them they had the choice and they blew it. It's made me relationship with my DSis and DN very difficult. DN clearly doesn't see at all the things she got that her cousin didn't. They are both off to Uni in Sept. DParents paying tuition and maintenance for.......... that's right. It never ends OP.

I think as a grandmother it can be very hard. My daughter has 2 DDs I am her Mum if there is there is something she doesn't like me doing with the children she can openly say so and we can bicker argue and disagree with no offense taken. I have 2 dil, they haven't got children but I am sure I would tread more carefully and follow their lead. Because I wouldn't want to upset them. I was with my daughter for 1 of her births and she's very easy going about cuddling and visiting. My DiL might not feel the same and i would prefer not to upset them inadvertently. I will love their children just as much tho.

It’s a primal thing that can’t be changed. Your mother in law is drawn to her daughters children more because they were born from her daughters body and are connected to her more as she birthed her daughter.

Your children were born from your body and it makes it different. Your MIL has no primal/animal/genetic connection to you.

You've moved 250 miles away, your SIL still lives nearby and your mil babysits for her presumably while she's at work - of course the relationships are going to be different. Of course yours aren't as close now!
What do you all do as adults to keep the closeness? I've moved to another country my kids only see their grandparents for 2 weeks a year in person; but we still "visit" for 2 hours every Sunday like we used to we video call, we all have cake and a cuppa together and chat about our week. We still play games together - we play battleships, and genius square, which we both own and both have a board each. They are as close to my parents as my brother's kids who visit for a weekend every few months. But that would be totally different if my parents were childminding my brother's kids multiple times a week but it would be different regardless of the distance. Obviously you get closer bonds with those you spend more time with that's natural.

I don’t have this as my parents-in-law have been scrupulously fair. If one kid got a packet of sweets when young, the others would too when MIL next saw them.

My SIL (husband’s sister) had this experience though and it’s baffling. Her in-laws just prefer the children of their daughter. It extends to money, access, time - the works. It annoys them beyond all words.

Its not daughters children vs daughter in laws children though is it! Its daughter vs son!!

Oh but it is exactly that

Its not daughters children vs daughter in laws children though is it! Its daughter vs son!!

I think this can be the issue though as although not always the case, married daughters are often more in contact with mums than married sons. ( Maybe because they are more likely to be the ones on maternity leave/SAHM )You see on MN all the time that wives get annoyed with their DH spending too much time with their mother. ( it seems to be a competition for affection) Even OP is enraged that he goes there once a week, and it sounds like he is trying to spare her having to go but she is still cross.
Some women seem to try and make their partners choose. One of my SILs was a bit like this. It can never be totally fair though. My DH mum went NC when he married me as she had someone else in mind who had" more to offer their family" ( I kid you not) So my children only had my parents as GP. SIL had divorced parents, both remarried, so had 3 lots of GPs helping her out, but she still made comments about how I was at my parents too often and her kids not getting enough quality time. Got to a point that if I was popping in and saw her car, I would turn around as was not worth the hassle. Ironically, our kids were best friends and just wanted to see each other but it was not worth the comments.
We will all have own views and perspectives but I think unless son is making effort to see parents regularly, it is unrealistic to think DIL will have same connection as daughter. This in turn can affect the GC contact time.

From personal experience, the favouritism will get worse as time goes on, and become more obvious to your dc as they get older. Protect them from it now, as you have done with moving away. It blighted our lives for so many years, I wish we’d cut contact sooner than we did. To hear my children saying “grandma and grandad like our cousins more than us” was heartbreaking. It made my blood boil, still does even thinking about it now.

That’s the thing though .. you will love their children just as much .. if only all grandparents were like you and acted this way. I genuinely do not understand how some grandparents (my in laws included) can treat 2 sets of grandchildren very differently. Mine did so much and gave so much for 1 set of grandchildren, yet barely saw the other set. Utterly heartbreaking.

The problem is that it seems obvious from reading Mumsnet that the mother's mother is usually the "senior grandmother" and has more involvement from day one. So naturally the children become more attached.

Irl I see a very different picture from many families I know. I think it’s natural for the maternal grandmother to do more with her daughter than her son as such, but loving her grandchildren should be equal, no matter what.

The dynamic when it comes to daughter’s children vs. son’s children is almost always different, and you’ve explained it perfectly here. There’s no point griping about it, you need to accept it and work with it.

My MIL only has sons but I have no doubt that if she had a daughter, I would be annoyed about her favouring those grandkids. As it stands, I get annoyed at her favouring her granddaughters over her grandsons 😂

I think that grandparents can favour one child over another for a myriad of reasons.
I think the closeness to daughter's children which I often see touted out on MN is as much to do with the daughter being more likely to be closer to her own mum than anything else. I think individual personalities and family roles pay more of a part.

In my own family's case, after every new grandchild was born my mother's preference has blatantly transferred to them once they got past the not-very-interesting-baby stage. That's irrespective of whether it was a daughter's or son's child or the amount of effort made by the parents to facilitate visits.

In OP's case, I think she should focus on building time with the grandparents without DN there - although the distance apart will not now help.

I have the opposite my own mother favours my brothers children and has them constantly whilst having nothing to do with mine....

Tbf I think it’s quite usual for mother/daughter to be closer than mother/daughter in law

So much to unpack there.

Yes pretty normal for someone to be closer to her dd than her DIL.

But is normal for a mother to be closer to her dd than her ds?
If there’s a difference of treatment between the grand dcs, is it not more about the MIL is treating her own children differently?

And why, why is it a comparaison between the dd and DIL? I mean it’s not just mothers who are responsible for the dcs, their relationship with grand parents etc surely.

@Willsoo now that you have moved, it’s going to be hard for your dcs to have the same relationship than theur cousins with their gran. However, different doesn’t mean lesser than and I would still expect her to treat her gdcs the same.
Seeing that you moved in part because of her behaviour, it’s not new. And it’s unlikely to change.
The best you can do now is manage the contact between your dcs and her.
eg seeing her Wo the cousins around.

I think that grandparents can favour one child over another for a myriad of reasons.
I think the closeness to daughter's children which I often see touted out on MN is as much to do with the daughter being more likely to be closer to her own mum than anything else.

Or it’s linked to the fact women still do all the emotional Labour so will make a
point of staying in touch with their parents whereas men don’t (as much).

It can explain why the dgc are closer to the gran, but not the difference in treatment though.

This is usually because the daughter makes more effort with her own mum and son doesn’t make the same effort.

my brother , dh and his brothers don’t put in as much effort wih parents as myself with my mum and my dh’s sister with her mum.

My ex MIL was a bit like this. ExBils kids were favoured. I had split up with her twat of a son but still made sure that she saw my kids. Refused to have them.over night though, even in an emergency situation. She pissed me off one too many times so I stopped bringing the kids to see her. Never a birthday or Christmas card or present for years. She started to inveigle herself back in when my DC had kids, but that didn't last. Two great grandchildren and She couldnt care less, the old cow