Mother in Law Favouring Daughter's Children

[Willsoo]

Hi. Does anyone else find their mother-in-law favours their daughter’s children? I have two boys and my mother-in-law use to be very close to them, especially the first. Since my sister in laws boys have been born, I feel this has completely changed. There is one rule for her child and one for mine. I’m worried because my sister-in-law has another one on the way. We have now moved further away (250 miles to be exact) because of this. My sister in law’s child is so attached to her that he cries when she isn’t in the same room as him. This is difficult when we now visit as my two children don’t tend to get any quality time with their grandparents, especially when she is minding him four days a week.
My mother-in-law will make up excuses for my nephew as he is a difficult child and they tend to defend him over my own. I’m just sick of it. Does anyone else find a similar situation? Any ways to deal with this or just accept that it is the way it is?

I was the last of my mother's children to have children, and she admitted that she was shocked by the visceral connection she felt to my children, even though she adored my brothers'. She tried very hard not to show it, but looking back I'm sure she did sometimes. Same goes for my mil. She was a lovely granny-but her daughter's children had a little bit more of her heart.

This. She obviously has a very strong bond with the DC she looks after more than half the week. Why not invite her to visit you then your DC could have quality time with grandparents.

Makes sense really. When I was on maternity leave I used to toddle round to my mums regularly. It's my old house and I can do what I want there. Bit different to visiting the in laws.

If you want your mil to treat your kids like she treats her daughters kids, you have to accept a level of familiarity with her that most of us aren't comfortable with. My mum always cheerfully criticised my parenting and I just shrugged. Would you accept that off your mil?

I have a daughter and a daughter-out-law. I love them both very much. But if they were both pregnant I would expect my daughter to want me around more than her mil-and I would expect my dol to want her own mother.

Me too, but I don’t think this is helping the situation for the poster!

My MIL lives 2.5hours away from my SIL while we live 5 mins down the road. She’s chosen to care for my SIL’s DC, happy to do a daily drive. SIL works part time though is quite dramatic eg constantly crying etc.

Important to remember that it is common for Mumsnetters to say that it is perfectly OK to have entirely different rules for mothers and mothers in law. For your mother to be with you in the early days, but to keep MILs at arms lengths for ages. Obviously understandable. But to then blame a MIL for being closer to her daughter’s children is hugely unfair. Also-my own mother was an active and involved grandma to my brothers’ children-and was shocked by the overwhelming feelings she had for my dd when she was born. She was very self aware and managed to balance her feelings. But many wouldn’t, I suspect.

It should be equal, it doesn’t matter if it’s your daughter’s children