Mother in Law Favouring Daughter's Children

[Willsoo]

Hi. Does anyone else find their mother-in-law favours their daughter’s children? I have two boys and my mother-in-law use to be very close to them, especially the first. Since my sister in laws boys have been born, I feel this has completely changed. There is one rule for her child and one for mine. I’m worried because my sister-in-law has another one on the way. We have now moved further away (250 miles to be exact) because of this. My sister in law’s child is so attached to her that he cries when she isn’t in the same room as him. This is difficult when we now visit as my two children don’t tend to get any quality time with their grandparents, especially when she is minding him four days a week.
My mother-in-law will make up excuses for my nephew as he is a difficult child and they tend to defend him over my own. I’m just sick of it. Does anyone else find a similar situation? Any ways to deal with this or just accept that it is the way it is?

So much to unpack there.

Yes pretty normal for someone to be closer to her dd than her DIL.

But is normal for a mother to be closer to her dd than her ds?

It’s not unusual for men to either check out of their own family, or lazily just go along with their partner’s preference to spend more time with her own family. People get angry at the old rhyme about your son only being your son until he finds a wife, but there’s more than a grain of truth in it.

It is often different between the children of sons and the children of daughters because it is still generally women who facilitate relationships within families. Your MIL and her daughter have a closer relationship than you and your MIL, which means MIL will have more input and access to those grandchildren than she will with your children. It doesn't mean she favours her daughter's children, though. They're just a step closer because her son isn't as involved with her.

But it doesn't really matter. You moved 250 miles away so your children and their grandmother are never going to have a close relationship anyway. It doesn't mean she doesn't love them.

No it's not usual for mother's to be closer to daughters than sons. But what is usual is for women to complain if their husbands want to spend time with their mum's. And Mumsnet only justifies it with all the comments of "he's a mummy's boy LTB" whenever women say that their husbands want to visit their parents or take their kids to see his parents; but then the same people complain that their PIL aren't close to them/their kids

Yes absolutely this. My 2 children were the first and she LOVED them. We spent a lot of time with MIL and I enjoyed her company and would go out of my way to visit, see and spend time with her with my children. I probably had a better relationship with her than my own mum.

roll on SIL children being born, MIL at birth of both of them and my children were basically dumped on the pavement. She couldn’t have cared less. She will drive past our house to visit SIL children and will happily not see ours or ask about them for weeks on end. saying no to babysitting as they want a lie in, but had SIL children stay over all the time and tried to cover it up. I brought it up with DH years ago and his sister was always favoured and he expected nothing less, he didn’t want a family feud. I come from a family where everyone is treated completely equally, no ifs no buts, no daughter is better than son crap.

I don’t make contact with her now, I let her contact me and if I’m not busy I will respond.
I can totally understand why OP has moved away. This has caused years of heartache for my children and myself watching them be treated so differently. One example, no phone call or visit on son’s birthday, yet saw them carrying a BIKE as a gift before school for SIL child birthday. She takes them on holiday, doesn’t invite mine and my children ask why and I have to make an excuse such as there wasn’t enough room.

those saying MIL are closer to daughters so therefore their children is rubbish. I and my children were and would have been closer to my MIL if she didn’t change like this. And yes I do have a great relationship with my own mother too, she just works a lot so wasn’t as available to visit in the holidays etc.

one thing I have learnt is how NOT to be a MIL

I would allow DH to do all contact, that’s what I do now. They don’t deserve our precious children when they don’t care for them the same.

Yes, my PILs did favour my SIL's children. Now they're a bit older our dcs get a bit more attention from them which is nice. But it did make me think a tiny bit less of them as people and I basically don't see SIL anymore as she was so annoying about it. Always moaning about her parents when mine are dead (mum) or crap (dad).

Interestingly enough, the other sibling moved as far from home as she could get before having any dcs. I wonder if she knew she'd get the same treatment as we did as older SIL is golden child x 10000.

On the plus side, I feel very little obligation to my in-laws. I support dh having a good relationship with them, but no longer see it as my job to ingratiate myself with any of them. We do see PILs now and I'm always kind and respectful towards them, but only for dh's sake

What do you actually want? You’ve just said you’ve moved 250 miles away yet you want her to dote on you and your kids the same way she does her own daughters and kids she looks after 4 days a week. Of course she is going to have a closer bond with them it would be impossible not to - one it’s her daughter and 2 SHES WITH THEM 4 days. You sound like a difficult person tbh. You’ve described the daughters child as crying when she leaves the room so I imagine they are very young and they came after yours implying younger again and young children do generally require more attention? More child care also probs. I’m sorry op if I’ve got it wrong but you sound jealous and if you want to be involved it sounds like you’re the one that needs to maybe make more of an effort/ have more understanding and empathy. The comment about the child crying every time the mum leaves the room sounds cold coming from a mum yourself and a phase I imagine most kids going through some for longer than others.

I am a granny, all my wonderful, amazing grandchildren, being my daughters or my son’s, are loved equally by my husband and I. They all have something unique to them, that makes them so special and all so easy to love.

Did you move 250 miles away to be closer to your family? If so it’s a bit pot calling kettle.

I thought this! Must be very deep seated resentment of this is true? Alarmingly so

Not all grandparents are like this. My Dad died when my elder 2 DC were very young and before my youngest DC was even born. My in-laws who are not even biologically related to my DC are very close to my DC especially my youngest DS. They have their own biological granddaughters who they get on with well but my younger son is very clearly the favourite. I think it's because they have taken him for a weeks holiday without DH or me since he was 7. They live by the seaside and DS was always very happy to go to stay with them. They both took the whole week off from work and basically revolved around his wants for the week. All DGC now grown up. It is my youngest who drives 150+ miles to see his Nan about once every 2 months. They have a close bond. Her biological DGD who lives quite close to her visit 2 or 3 times a year.

You’re worried, so you moved 250 miles away to compound it all? Sounds reasonable…

I think it's nonsense that parents are closer to DD's than DS's. I'm probably closer emotionally to my DS's. I have DGC from my DD who I love beyond reason but I'd love any DGC my son's gave me equally as much even though both sons say they don't want any DC.

I don't have this with my MIL as she has sons, but unfortunately my own mother prioritises my sisters son over my daughter.

My in laws favoured my husbands brothers children it stood out so much and weirdly it was more the father in laws behaviour. He only liked my boys as babies and favoured my eldest daughter (even sneaking money in her hand and nothing for her brother). They would complain about not seeing them, yet when in our company wouldn't really bother with them.
. We moved but only a few miles away and in the end we fell out. It's sad but I won't have my children feel pushed out and as his brother had girls I knew it would only get worse

I think it could well be that she's more comfortable as it's her daughter's children or could be favouritism, as you're far away I would just keep busy with your children take them out and about and leave them to it tbh. You can't change someone else's behaviour just your reaction to it.

And that's exactly how it should be too

I think MILs do tend to be closer to their own daughters children. FWIW I live 10 mins from my inlaws and my DD barely sees them. They spend all their time with my two SILs children who all live 2 hrs away in different directions.

Im sure the inlaws love DD just as much, they are just less involved. As a daughter myself I tend to ask my DPs who live 100 miles away for help before I ask the inlaws.

Yes, and it’s not something I could get wildly excited about, anyway. Looking at my own MIL — her daughters are replicas of her, lead very similar lives and raised their children in broadly similar ways, so, apart from their closeness, the children are more comprehensible to her. Whereas DH and his brother married women who were very unlike their mother and sisters, live very different lives, and parent differently. MIL (of whom I am quite fond) visibly files me under ‘out there’ and finds my parenting eccentric, when what DH and I are consciously doing is not replicating either of our own childhoods (but impossible to communicate that tactfully).

Very similar story to @Hoppytobes and @Soboredofdiettalk .

Interestingly MIL played favourites with her own children. My DH was the middle child, the hardest baby and the favourite. I even found a letter recently, written 25 years ago saying this.

The grandchildren came along, two each, all within a few years. Our kids as the oldest were dropped in favour of the older divorced uncommunicative brother with the tricky wife - so lots of effort made. And SIL as the most ignored child has literally jumped up and down to get the attention she deserves.

Basically MIL seems to seek out the dynamic that requires her to make the most effort.
She also divides and rules, so plays favourites between siblings.
I've just this weekend called her on this but it makes no difference at all. She's literally taking one niece to London for a fancy day out, leaving the sister niece behind, again, to do something nice with her mum.

FIL is lazy, just goes along with everything for an easy life.

I treat the PIL with respect but I don't like them or admire them. It gets easier as you just accept they are not nice and move on.

lol. Yeah totally.

MIL also greatly favours daughter over son (think that meme of the drowning child beside the perfectly safe one about to jump to the parent). We can literally be drowning but husband will not ask for help because it just breaks his heart when they say no, sorry, daughter ‘might’ (not even we already have plans! But MIGHT) need us.

so I hate her for this and hope she stays the heck away. You don’t get to practically abandon your son, then try again with his. And I know even if she does start getting close then kiddo will just be heartbroken and rejected soon when his cousin ‘might!’ Need her.

anyway. Harder your kids are older, everyone loves babies. And your kids understand the unfair/uneven treatment. So that’s rough. And totally worth bringing up for the kids sake. But I’d make hubby do it. His family, his mess.

Yep, I have the same. My MIL moved from
the same town as us, 250 miles south to be closer to DH’s brother and sister because she felt they would look after her as and when she becomes infirm. (Despite the fact we chose to live near her to look after her). They earn more than we do so I suspect that was the attraction.
Since then, on our family What’s App group chat, any photos I send of my children are met with a deafening silence. My nephew or niece sneeze and everyone else does a round of applause and sends gushing messages about how beautiful they are.
I grit my teeth and get on with it for the sake of my husband but it is incredibly hurtful.
Maybe gently speak with your DH and see what he thinks?

Sounds like the move further away was a blessing because you won’t have to deal with this all the time. Maybe invite your in-laws to stay with you more rather than you visiting them that way the grandchildren aren’t competing for attention.

So sorry about this for you, it sucks.

Why post, then, if you struggle to comprehend perfectly ordinary and not untypical social events?