Always dreading sex

Smokedcheddar90 · 2024-05-27T15:23:41+00:00

I have been with my wonderful partner for 3 years. I have 2 children from my previous marriage who he is amazing with. I want to preface this by saying how much I love him, we were childhood sweethearts but went our separate ways and then met again after my divorce. Our lives are great in every way, apart from the sex. I don't know why but he can never come during sex or oral sex. He says it isn't me but it's hard to not take it personally. He can usually maintain an erection for a long time but no matter what I do I can't seem to satisfy him. He is lovely about it and is happy to either go to the bathroom after sex and sort himself or just have a cuddle. But more and more I find I've started to avoid sex because I always feel not good enough afterwards. I feel frustrated and usually end up crying afterwards. Everything else is so perfect I don't know why this is a problem. He does say he fancies me but I can't see how when I'm overweight and have given birth twice so I also question if this is the reason that he is maybe comparing me to his ex who had not had children and it may feel different for him. I don't even really know what I'm asking, but I know that I spend a lot of time thinking about this every day and wondering if this is our life now

Iamnotalemming · 27/05/2024 16:29

Gently, this sounds more like a him issue than a you issue. Please don't attribute it to yourself.
Does he watch porn a lot? That can impact ability to come in a 'normal' way.
Also, are you enjoying yourself? It's not all about his satisfaction...

WrylyAmused · 27/05/2024 16:51

He can maintain an erection for ages, and wants to have sex regularly, so it's not that he isn't attracted to you.

What ages are you? Lots of men find it harder to finish the older they get.

It's also common in men of all ages. People here get deep into the "it's porn" & "wanking death grip", and maybe it is for some, but it's also perfectly within the realms of normal human variation.

Unfortunately we're sexualised by society/media to think that sex is about PIV & male orgasms. It isn't.
If he's fine about it, and he's still regularly interested in having sex with you, even without his orgasm, please don't make the peculiarities of his body all about you.
As pp said, also, are you enjoying yourself? Many men get pleasure from pleasing their partners, and it doesn't have to be all about them...

Maybe you would feel closer being with him while he gets himself off, maybe there are some other things you can explore sexually to feel validated in a way that works for you.

Or maybe you just need to explore how to let those feelings go and develop greater self-esteem and self-worth so that you can believe him when he says he's happy with the sex you're having.
He really is going to be the authority on his own body, and if everything else is great, why destroy your peace over something that (kindly) seems to be in your own head. (The reasons for it, not the fact that he doesn't orgasm)

Original poster

Smokedcheddar90 · 27/05/2024 16:52

Iamnotalemming · 27/05/2024 16:29

Gently, this sounds more like a him issue than a you issue. Please don't attribute it to yourself.
Does he watch porn a lot? That can impact ability to come in a 'normal' way.
Also, are you enjoying yourself? It's not all about his satisfaction...

He does watch porn maybe once or twice a week but I wouldn't say its an excessive amount.
I used to enjoy myself but for the last six months or so I've been so worried about what he's thinking and whether it feels good for him and whether he will come that I've not really been having fun and I dread sex now because I feel so emotional afterwards. So I'm probably not helping matters either.

Now I just feel like he deserves to be with someone that he gets pleasure from.

OP posts:

Bettedaviseyes111 · 27/05/2024 16:56

It sounds like you are both feeling a whole lot of pressure which probably isn’t helping the matter.

If he’s having sex with you then try and just feel confident and if he isn’t finishing maybe get him to finish himself off over you to regain some intimacy?

I’ve been with partners who couldn’t finish … don’t take it personally and try not to let it affect the intimacy you get from everything else.

TheTartfulLodger · 27/05/2024 16:58

WrylyAmused · 27/05/2024 16:51

He can maintain an erection for ages, and wants to have sex regularly, so it's not that he isn't attracted to you.

What ages are you? Lots of men find it harder to finish the older they get.

It's also common in men of all ages. People here get deep into the "it's porn" & "wanking death grip", and maybe it is for some, but it's also perfectly within the realms of normal human variation.

Unfortunately we're sexualised by society/media to think that sex is about PIV & male orgasms. It isn't.
If he's fine about it, and he's still regularly interested in having sex with you, even without his orgasm, please don't make the peculiarities of his body all about you.
As pp said, also, are you enjoying yourself? Many men get pleasure from pleasing their partners, and it doesn't have to be all about them...

Maybe you would feel closer being with him while he gets himself off, maybe there are some other things you can explore sexually to feel validated in a way that works for you.

Or maybe you just need to explore how to let those feelings go and develop greater self-esteem and self-worth so that you can believe him when he says he's happy with the sex you're having.
He really is going to be the authority on his own body, and if everything else is great, why destroy your peace over something that (kindly) seems to be in your own head. (The reasons for it, not the fact that he doesn't orgasm)

Pretty much all I was about to say.

Original poster

Smokedcheddar90 · 27/05/2024 17:06

We are 29 and 31 so I don't think it is age related.

The advice is appreciated, when I have googled this before I have read things on places like reddit and other forums that has made me feel even worse.

I wish I wasn't so self conscious.

OP posts:

Pompleandprim · 27/05/2024 17:09

rather than him going off to the bathroom to finish himself off, can you incorporate that into what you’re doing together? Get to know how he touches himself to bring himself to climax. You say he doesn’t finish during sex or oral sex - what if you’re masturbating him?

chocolaterevs · 27/05/2024 17:13

What does he say about it?

Original poster

Smokedcheddar90 · 27/05/2024 17:13

Pompleandprim · 27/05/2024 17:09

rather than him going off to the bathroom to finish himself off, can you incorporate that into what you’re doing together? Get to know how he touches himself to bring himself to climax. You say he doesn’t finish during sex or oral sex - what if you’re masturbating him?

I have tried but I can't do it hard or fast enough like he can.

OP posts:

Original poster

Smokedcheddar90 · 27/05/2024 17:18

chocolaterevs · 27/05/2024 17:13

What does he say about it?

He says he's always taken a long time but I know this isn't true because we were in a relationship for 4 years when I was 16 - 20.
We had a proper talk about it when we first got back together and I said then that I didn't feel good about it and how nothing I did makes him come and he said that is attracted to me and it's not because of that. But we don't talk about it anymore because I get upset and I don't think that he even sees it as a problem because he likes that he can go for ages

OP posts:

BunnyOnTheOnion · 27/05/2024 17:29

Don't make sex into something that is focused on one/ both people having an orgasm via PIV. Reframe it in your mind as something intimate you do together that brings you closer, feels good and connects you. All the touching, kissing, intimacy is part of 'sex'. If he orgasms most easily by touching himself then make that part of the intimacy so you don't suddenly feel abandoned or that you've somehow 'failed' when he goes to do that solo.

Pompleandprim · 27/05/2024 17:34

BunnyOnTheOnion · 27/05/2024 17:29

Don't make sex into something that is focused on one/ both people having an orgasm via PIV. Reframe it in your mind as something intimate you do together that brings you closer, feels good and connects you. All the touching, kissing, intimacy is part of 'sex'. If he orgasms most easily by touching himself then make that part of the intimacy so you don't suddenly feel abandoned or that you've somehow 'failed' when he goes to do that solo.

Exactly this. Sex is a journey all by itself, not just a way of getting to a ‘destination’.

Kosenrufugirl · 27/05/2024 17:37

You might want to look into Mind the Gap book by Karen Gurney. She also does podcasts

whyhavetheygotsomany · 27/05/2024 17:41

This could be the death grip. It happens when they watch too much porn and masturbate frantically. A vagina can't replicate that so he can't finish.

takemeawayagain · 27/05/2024 17:42

Smokedcheddar90 · 27/05/2024 17:13

I have tried but I can't do it hard or fast enough like he can.

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That's the problem then. Your mouth and your vagina are never going to be hard and fast enough if your hand isn't.

Persuade him to give up wanking for a decent amount of time and things might change - I'm the same if I use a vibrator too much, I get used to the intensity and fingers stop being enough.

Tell him this isn't porn and you're not impressed or interested in him going all night.

Liliee · 27/05/2024 17:43

This is screaming high porn use and death grip. MN seem to like to ignore the obvious in this situation.

Liliee · 27/05/2024 17:44

... and then three come along at once.

Pompleandprim · 27/05/2024 17:45

Liliee · 27/05/2024 17:43

This is screaming high porn use and death grip. MN seem to like to ignore the obvious in this situation.

Not ignoring it, it seems obvious but if OP is in an otherwise loving relationship and seems ok with his porn use, practical tips are probably welcomed rather than just pointing out the obvious.

northernmamax · 27/05/2024 17:48

I agree with people saying this sounds like death grip and he needs to cut back on the wanking and porn, things might get better then. If you asked him to stop for a while would he do that?

Newnamesameoldlurker · 27/05/2024 18:01

Liliee · 27/05/2024 17:43

This is screaming high porn use and death grip. MN seem to like to ignore the obvious in this situation.

100% this. I would be assertive about this OP, let him know it's destroying your self- esteem and you need him to give porn and masturbation a break and sort it out. There are lots of men on reddit etc trying to break the habit, he can easily look for support and resources.

PansyPolly · 27/05/2024 18:15

It may also be a “control” thing; I had a partner who could come from other things but preferred, in the moment, to finish with his hand onto my skin, as he felt more relaxed into the orgasm when he did that.

You could try combining touching him with a vibe on him, if he needs the sensation?

Original poster

Smokedcheddar90 · 27/05/2024 19:09

Newnamesameoldlurker · 27/05/2024 18:01

100% this. I would be assertive about this OP, let him know it's destroying your self- esteem and you need him to give porn and masturbation a break and sort it out. There are lots of men on reddit etc trying to break the habit, he can easily look for support and resources.

Show quote history

We don't have the sort of relationship where we tell each other what to do, I think he would be shocked if I tried to tell him what he can do with his own body in his own time.
Is this a common thing?

OP posts:

northernmamax · 27/05/2024 19:18

I think it's more of a communication thing rather than telling him what to do OP... I get what you're saying though.

I think it's just communicating how it makes you feel and suggesting a way to try and make it better, unfortunately it does sound like the only way is that he does stop with the masturbation for a small while and see if that works.

Nesbi · 27/05/2024 19:23

There’s always something slightly odd about the way that a woman can say she only comes from using toys, never co
es from PIV, and it is completely fine.

If a man struggles to come though PIV there is this sort of shameful “death grip” thing levelled at him, his masturbation is somehow wrong and dysfunctional, and he needs to sort himself out as a man who can’t come from PIV is malfunctioning and letting everyone down.

alcoholnightmare · 27/05/2024 19:25

Is watching porn 1-2 times a week normal? Genuine question!