Always dreading sex

[Smokedcheddar90]

I have been with my wonderful partner for 3 years. I have 2 children from my previous marriage who he is amazing with.

I want to preface this by saying how much I love him, we were childhood sweethearts but went our separate ways and then met again after my divorce. Our lives are great in every way, apart from the sex.

I don't know why but he can never come during sex or oral sex. He says it isn't me but it's hard to not take it personally. He can usually maintain an erection for a long time but no matter what I do I can't seem to satisfy him. He is lovely about it and is happy to either go to the bathroom after sex and sort himself or just have a cuddle. But more and more I find I've started to avoid sex because I always feel not good enough afterwards. I feel frustrated and usually end up crying afterwards. Everything else is so perfect I don't know why this is a problem.

He does say he fancies me but I can't see how when I'm overweight and have given birth twice so I also question if this is the reason that he is maybe comparing me to his ex who had not had children and it may feel different for him.

I don't even really know what I'm asking, but I know that I spend a lot of time thinking about this every day and wondering if this is our life now

DP also had to take meds for blood pressure in the past. They massively affected his ability to hold an erection and to orgasm.

Nonsense. Men can have mental blocks around orgasms just as women can.

Does he get an erection? If yes, he's aroused by you. You're turning this into a reflection on you which it absolutely isn't!
My DH often can't finish through penetration. It's partly because he trained himself a long time ago not to finish until his partner does so letting go is harder for him. We have an amazing time and when he's ready to climax I will either kiss him or do something else pleasurable while he finishes himself off. It would be ridiculous to take this personally because it's not.

You say he’s taking medication for anxiety? Which is often the same prescribed for depression/… could this be a contributing factor?

Can you not ask rather than tell?

Tell him how the situation makes you feel.

Tell him how you've done some research about the possible cause and solution.

Ask if he'd consider trying it.

If he is on beta blockers for hypertension it’s almost certainly the cause

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/beta-blockers/

I hate this kind of 'cool wife' response, ignoring the huge differences between men and women sexually. But also, I actually would say exactly this if a woman had a porn habit that was ruining her sex life with her partner (it just doesnt usually happen this way around!) I would similarly recommend that he share that ts affecting him negatively and ask for a change. The OP is suffering and dreading sex.
Edited to say of course OP doesn't know for sure what the cause is so it has to be approached sensitively but she's already being very sensitive about it

Why ? Because its true.
if you read the responses on this thread and other threads, posters are usually told to bin men who have issues in the bedroom, even though this guy clearly doesn’t suffer from “death grip “, ( although generally not proven to be a thing ), diabetes, meds , anxiety are more likely to cause DE, but people still jump to the same conclusions without a second thought

Not tell him, but surely if you're in a relationship you can talk about sex and suggest ways to bith be happy?

100%, very common side effect of anxiety meds in men

I had this in a former relationship and it was soul destroying. Honestly I would end it before it screws up your self esteem. The thing is, this isn't about you - but you won't be able to stop yourself feeling unattractive as a result.
And yes it's usually a porn addiction problem.

You're ignoring the fact that on these threads the man doesn't communicate about it either, he just acts like it's a non issue, so it seems like an issue that has no chance of being fixed, unless the man himself decides at some indeterminate time in the future that he wants to see if anything can be done about it, but as far as the woman is concerned it might never change.

The women in these situations often struggle as the OP is and get to the point where they're not enjoying sex at all, yet they're often still having it. That is not a good thing to do, and can cause a lot of trauma long term.

There is always advice for the woman to not take it personally and to enjoy it without that. If an issue in a relationship is affecting a persons self esteem as much as this is for the OP (and many others) then they generally can't get over that themselves, maybe she could with therapy, but then perhaps like the boyfriend she doesn't want to see if there's any help for her. It's also ok to not want to be ok with it and realise that what you want is a 'normal' sex life free from those issues and to end the relationships.

Of course sometimes there are medical issues but yet the women in these relationships are often unaware of the link because the man does not speak to them about it.

im not ignoring that fact at all, on this thread the OP says the guy has anxiety & hypertension and is taking meds for both those ( both of which can cause sexual dysfunction) and yet just above someone posts

And yes it's usually a porn addiction problem.

my point was, most posters on this forum automatically just to “the man is obviously a porn addled wanker “ without a 2nd thought to what actually might really be going on

Most people don't read the full thread, and I think a lot of people assume (wrongly) that if there are health issues then the person will detail them in the OP and not leave out hugely relevant information.

Drip feeds are common on MN when it comes to this issue, but then I do think that some women just don't make the link between the health issues or medication and the sexual issues either because their partner hasn't ever discussed that with them or explained that to them even when they know she's taking it personally.

The way the problem is often presented on here, this issue is present and then it starts to have a significant negative affect on the woman and she has no clue why he has those issues....so I can understand why people don't automatically assume that there are health issues.

If you had a guy saying that his wife only orgasms with a vibrator, she says that she really enjoys their sex life, but it is making him feel bad and doubt her feelings for him, I wonder what “advice” he might get.

I’m guessing he would be told to listen to his wife, to stop making it all about him. I suspect no one would tell him that it was a “her” problem, and something that she needs to take steps to fix for his sake (or that perhaps he should just bin her off as, after all, who wants a sex life where your partner doesn’t come)!

It seems ironic given the audience that the male orgasm is being positioned as so utterly central to sex that the lack of it is considered a failure (even when the guy himself has absolutely no complaints at all).

No wonder guys can end up inside their own heads, struggling to reach orgasm, when they know that it is considered essential, and that without it they’ll be judged!

Absolutely 👍🏼,
Iif a man fails to reach orgasm he is somehow faulty and should be binned, if his partner fails to reach orgasm- that’s also his fault and he should be binned - no wonder (some) men pull away from sex in a relationship !

A wife who is only able to orgasm with a vibrator isn't indicative of a problem in the way a man who was previously able to orgasm through vaginal and oral sex now not being able to orgasm those ways is indicative of a problem.

Also she is allowed to have an opinion and feel feelings about her own sex life, and it has had a significant effect on her and her self esteem at this point so now there is a new problem, and that problem doesn't tend to be fixed by just 'listening to him' because it's already affected her significantly emotionally and psychologically.

And yes someone should 'bin' their partner off if the sexual issues are causing such distress as the OP is experiencing, unless she wants to go to therapy to deal with that distress, but it's ok to not want to do that also.

A lot of women do put a lot of emphasis on the male orgasm and enjoy the ability to make their partner orgasm for lots of reasons. But then some men are the same with women. Some people might not think too much about it unless they are in a relationship with a partner who can't orgasm or if their partner has issues getting wet and needs lubricant. Perhaps some rely on that too much in order to boost their self esteem, but that is how a lot of humans are. It is important to many that their partner is sexually turned on by them and sexually desires them and often the person wants their partner to show that to them in a way that makes them feel that way.

Pressure..yes for sure...but then on the other side of the relationship dynamic is another partner who is also feeling pressure and anxiety over it and ends up in their own heads too!

Nope, generally people will only say he should be 'binned' if he's not trying to do anything about it or at least talk about it or seek advice.

Also men don't tend to get criticized if his partner fails to orgasm if he actually tries to make her orgasm!

No wonder some women pull away from sex in a relationship too, because often sexual disfunction is ignored and not talked about and the woman ends up in the place the OP is in now, not having fun, dreading sex, crying afterwards, she can't keep that up forever.

His own experience of orgasm is not some sort of gift he should be required to “give” in to show his appreciation, like a round of applause at the end of a performance.

He is saying he loves the OP, that he feels attracted to her, that he enjoys the experience of sex with her - it is sad that that apparently isn’t enough.

Perhaps he should start faking it, but it really shouldn’t be necessary to fake your own orgasm in order to make someone else happy.

I don't think it's anything to do with the ex not having children and that you have. Only reason I say this is I've asked a few male friends and their reply was that women who have had children usually feel better..

Exactly it's not some sort of gift.

For many it's an important part of a shared sex life and shared sexual experiences. OP isn't that getting that here and it's causing problems for her.

It's also sad if he hasn't tried to explain to her properly in the past that this is to do with his medication (if that's the reason). Perhaps that may have helped the OP to not feel this way. Instead it seems he lied about it and said he's always been that way even though she knows he hasn't. She was with him until she was 20.

It's not clear which one of them is 29 and which one is 31 but they've been together for 3 years now so he was either 26 or 28 when they got back together, that was only 8 years so she would remember what he was like in bed.

If he's not able to discuss things openly and honestly then I'm not surprised that she doesn't just trust his words.

There's a lot of replies so I'll try and address some of them.

I categorically do not think my lovely dp is a failure, in fact if anything then I am. He's such a good man, would never hurt a fly, never raises his voice,he works hard and never asks for anything. He is the funniest and most unselfish person I've ever met.

But as a previous poster described it, it's soul destroying for me and unless you have been in the same situation I don't expect you to understand.

But I AM in that situation. I posted up thread. I literally never think it's my 'fault' or that he doesn't fancy me because we communicate and I know why he has trouble finishing inside and I get involved in his orgasm and we both enjoy it. Have you tried talking to him??

Have you tried reading the thread?

Yes! Pretty much the whole thing. The OP is projecting all kinds of nonsense onto her partner and either doesn't communicate with him or isn't listening. She was shocked at the idea of asking him to try refraining from wanking for a bit to see if it helps. It's bizarre and sad.