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Original poster

Always dreading sex

84 replies

Smokedcheddar90 · 27/05/2024 16:23

I have been with my wonderful partner for 3 years. I have 2 children from my previous marriage who he is amazing with.

I want to preface this by saying how much I love him, we were childhood sweethearts but went our separate ways and then met again after my divorce. Our lives are great in every way, apart from the sex.

I don't know why but he can never come during sex or oral sex. He says it isn't me but it's hard to not take it personally. He can usually maintain an erection for a long time but no matter what I do I can't seem to satisfy him. He is lovely about it and is happy to either go to the bathroom after sex and sort himself or just have a cuddle. But more and more I find I've started to avoid sex because I always feel not good enough afterwards. I feel frustrated and usually end up crying afterwards. Everything else is so perfect I don't know why this is a problem.

He does say he fancies me but I can't see how when I'm overweight and have given birth twice so I also question if this is the reason that he is maybe comparing me to his ex who had not had children and it may feel different for him.

I don't even really know what I'm asking, but I know that I spend a lot of time thinking about this every day and wondering if this is our life now

OP posts:
northernmamax · 27/05/2024 19:55

Nesbi · 27/05/2024 19:23

There’s always something slightly odd about the way that a woman can say she only comes from using toys, never co
es from PIV, and it is completely fine.

If a man struggles to come though PIV there is this sort of shameful “death grip” thing levelled at him, his masturbation is somehow wrong and dysfunctional, and he needs to sort himself out as a man who can’t come from PIV is malfunctioning and letting everyone down.

You've not read her replies on this thread properly.

She said she's not hard or fast enough for him with her hands, he can't come during oral, foreplay or PIV.

He watches porn and has to sort himself out. It's not a shameful thing but it's making her feel like she is unworthy and self conscious so it kind of is a problem as awful as it sounds. Not fair for her to be feeling like that while he's watching bloody porn twice a week is it really?

Nesbi · 27/05/2024 20:11

No, I read them. He can only come a particular way, in this case masturbation as he knows exactly what works for him. How does that differ than many women who find they struggle to orgasm at all, or can only do it through masturbation.

Why is him coming such a focus for sex anyway? Is his orgasm essential to complete the act, or can it just be an enjoyable experience ce without him orgasming? He seems to be happy.

TheBestFriend · 27/05/2024 20:22

Delayed ejaculation: https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/

Most men have the opposite problem so yes, I guess from a cultural POV he may take 'pride' in that. He would have been different as a teen too.

I used to be with someone like that and sometimes he'd come, sometimes he wouldn't. It's nothing to do with attraction to you - read his body language. I figured out some ways to make him come with me (a lot of foreplay, oral, he had to be on top in missionary) but like you describe, it was hard work and made me question myself. If you both want to work on this, I'd suggest solutions are more technical than emotional.

nhs.uk

Ejaculation problems

Ejaculation problems such as premature, delayed and retrograde ejaculation are a common cause of sexual problems in men.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems

BananaLambo · 27/05/2024 20:29

If he’s watching porn a couple of times a week then that’s what gets him off, and he likely has death grip. What you first dated he was a teenager and could probably whack out 3 or 4 in one session while looking at the underwear section of George at Asda.

Yorkshiredolls · 27/05/2024 20:31

Is he on antidepressants? Certain antidepressants can cause this. Hubby was like this when we first met was citalopram I think. We didn’t make a big deal of it and just enjoyed eachother. He came off the citalopram and the problem just went away

Worriedpanda50 · 27/05/2024 20:47

Married for 25 years and ex husband the same. I hardly had any partners before him, so I was almost a virgin but not quite.

Ex said I was too tight and it hurt. We would have sex for a bit but he always had to finish with a wank. We had 2 children by him wanking and then sticking it in me at the last minute. He always said it was me. Although tbh he would sometimes have piv for 20 minutes or more, so that wouldn't make sense.

I was so nervous when we split about sex and something being wrong with me. Turns out there was nothing wrong with me.

Sex was so crap by comparison. Having someone finish inside you brings you so much closer together. It feels so life affirming. It made me feel so angry for so long as it was obviously a psychological thing and rather than deal with it he put the blame on me. I am sure I am extra bitter because my ex was emotionally abusive. Perhaps if he had been a nice guy I would see it differently. We were never able to have a quickie. I feel like I missed out on such a lot.

EarthSight · 27/05/2024 20:56

Is he, or has he been on anti-depressants, or used drugs like speed or cocaine in the past?

Fs365 · 27/05/2024 21:12

Nesbi · 27/05/2024 19:23

There’s always something slightly odd about the way that a woman can say she only comes from using toys, never co
es from PIV, and it is completely fine.

If a man struggles to come though PIV there is this sort of shameful “death grip” thing levelled at him, his masturbation is somehow wrong and dysfunctional, and he needs to sort himself out as a man who can’t come from PIV is malfunctioning and letting everyone down.

Absolutely this, if a man shows any kind of sexual dysfunction he is always portrayed as some kind of 2nd rate failure

Original poster
Smokedcheddar90 · 27/05/2024 21:23

Fs365 · 27/05/2024 21:12

Absolutely this, if a man shows any kind of sexual dysfunction he is always portrayed as some kind of 2nd rate failure

Show quote history

I absolutely do not think he is second rate, nor a failure.

OP posts:
RockingBeebo · 27/05/2024 21:34

My partner often can't come unless he finishes it himself. I am the same. I like watching him make himself come - he likes watching me. I would hate it if he went off to do it privately. Is there any way you can ask to watch him? Tell him to stay with you instead of going to the bathroom. If so you could join in by stroking him on parts of his body while he finishes, it can be beautiful and very intimate.

LadyHavelockVetinari · 27/05/2024 22:31

RockingBeebo · 27/05/2024 21:34

My partner often can't come unless he finishes it himself. I am the same. I like watching him make himself come - he likes watching me. I would hate it if he went off to do it privately. Is there any way you can ask to watch him? Tell him to stay with you instead of going to the bathroom. If so you could join in by stroking him on parts of his body while he finishes, it can be beautiful and very intimate.

Edited

This was my first thought too. It sounds to me like the problem isn't that he does it a particular way, but that he seems to want the finish to be something he does alone. This would bother me too.

You can't tell him not to watch porn, but could you present it as something to try, in the interest of improving your sex life? If you talk about this stuff, is it a problem that he's had with exes too? That would at least put your mind at ease.

Bestyearever2024 · 27/05/2024 22:37

I think the problem is you're feeling insecure and bad about it, and blaming yourself when literally NONE of it is your fault.

He has to come with a particular grip and movement.

The thing I wouldn't like is that he goes to another room to finish, so it's not part of sex with you

For me, that would have to stop

But him needing to come in a particular way which only he can do....isn't an issue and is NOTHING to do with you, nothing to do with how you look

Nesbi · 27/05/2024 22:58

Bestyearever2024 · 27/05/2024 22:37

I think the problem is you're feeling insecure and bad about it, and blaming yourself when literally NONE of it is your fault.

He has to come with a particular grip and movement.

The thing I wouldn't like is that he goes to another room to finish, so it's not part of sex with you

For me, that would have to stop

But him needing to come in a particular way which only he can do....isn't an issue and is NOTHING to do with you, nothing to do with how you look

Although I largely agree with you I don’t agree with the sentiment of “For me that would have to stop”.

I do think it would be great if they could make this something they enjoy together, but I can’t help but imagine a guy saying -

“my wife finds she can’t come when when we have sex together, only when she masturbates, which she currently does alone. I’ve told her that has to stop, and that she needs to do it front of me while I watch.”

That just sounds creepy, controlling and total red-flag territory! Definitely not a good look.

I wouldn’t say that is a great approach - both people need to feel happy and comfortable with what they are doing.

Bestyearever2024 · 27/05/2024 23:37

@Nesbi ....yes, I take your point. It's a good one

I do think, though, that for either a man or a woman, having joint intimacy sometimes - perhaps not EVERY time?? - is really important

And if that joint intimacy involves watching your partner masturbate because that's the only way they can come, then do it together , be together whilst it happens....sometimes.

Is it controlling/red flag to demand/request/nag for joint intimacy?

Maybe. But it seems a reasonable ask

wellington77 · 28/05/2024 00:40

Have you discussed the drs? It could be a sign of diabetes, stress, medications, lower testosterone, age, performance anxiety? It’s not you- he can get hard and he wouldn’t have sex if he didn’t fancy you

kkloo · 28/05/2024 05:13

Nesbi · 27/05/2024 19:23

There’s always something slightly odd about the way that a woman can say she only comes from using toys, never co
es from PIV, and it is completely fine.

If a man struggles to come though PIV there is this sort of shameful “death grip” thing levelled at him, his masturbation is somehow wrong and dysfunctional, and he needs to sort himself out as a man who can’t come from PIV is malfunctioning and letting everyone down.

The difference tends to be that a woman has never been able to cum from PIV or hands and the only way she can achieve it is through toys.

Whereas with men it's the opposite they were always able to cum any way but generally with a strong preference for sex or oral, and then they can't cum with any type of partnered sex and can only cum with very vigorous masturbation.

And there's a huge amount of men who report this who say that wanking was what caused it and they reverse it by laying off it.

kkloo · 28/05/2024 05:22

Fs365 · 27/05/2024 21:12

Absolutely this, if a man shows any kind of sexual dysfunction he is always portrayed as some kind of 2nd rate failure

Show quote history

Why do you have to assign such an offensive meaning to it when a lot of people don't think that way?

Why when people suggest 'death grip' or things like that does that equate to 2nd rate failure in your mind?

It often IS as a result of 'death grip'.

If someone posted about this on reddit the advice is often very matter of fact, no big deal can easily happen if you've been single for a while or got a bit too fond of porn, easily fixed if you can lay off the masturbation for a while and you'll be back to finishing during sex again"...or women will often say "happened to my man for a while, easily sorted blah blah".

But on here if you mention it you get accused of treating people like second class failures 😂

I think a lot of people who actually suffer from 'death grip' would be more offended that you said they suffered from 'sexual dysfunction' anyway.

kkloo · 28/05/2024 05:23

OP how's his health? mental health? any issues there and/or any medications?
Hows his physical health? Is he a healthy weight? Does he drink a lot or do drugs?

Questionsthree · 28/05/2024 05:24

Men can ususlly orgasm easily once aroused, if healthy. Could he be gay, a porn addict or have an underlying health condition?

Original poster
Smokedcheddar90 · 28/05/2024 05:34

Questionsthree · 28/05/2024 05:24

Men can ususlly orgasm easily once aroused, if healthy. Could he be gay, a porn addict or have an underlying health condition?

Edited

Yes this is why Im struggling because I'm worried he is not aroused by me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smokedcheddar90 · 28/05/2024 05:36

kkloo · 28/05/2024 05:23

OP how's his health? mental health? any issues there and/or any medications?
Hows his physical health? Is he a healthy weight? Does he drink a lot or do drugs?

He has high blood pressure and takes medication for that and also for anxiety, he has been on these medications for over ten years. He is a little overweight but not massively so, and doesn't drink or do drugs

OP posts:
kkloo · 28/05/2024 05:47

Smokedcheddar90 · 28/05/2024 05:36

He has high blood pressure and takes medication for that and also for anxiety, he has been on these medications for over ten years. He is a little overweight but not massively so, and doesn't drink or do drugs

Show quote history

Did you post about this last week?

High chance it's the medication.
Do you know what caused the high blood pressure? Was it caused by other health issues or lifestyle?

JumalanTerve · 28/05/2024 05:49

Nesbi · 27/05/2024 19:23

There’s always something slightly odd about the way that a woman can say she only comes from using toys, never co
es from PIV, and it is completely fine.

If a man struggles to come though PIV there is this sort of shameful “death grip” thing levelled at him, his masturbation is somehow wrong and dysfunctional, and he needs to sort himself out as a man who can’t come from PIV is malfunctioning and letting everyone down.

Exactly. Can you imagine how it would go down if a man posted about his partner being unable to orgasm during sex and receiving advice like:

" I would be assertive about this OP, let her know it's destroying your self- esteem. "

?

Nottherealslimshady · 28/05/2024 06:00

You're getting upset with him about something his body controls without his input. Imagine him getting upset with you becuase you don't get wet enough "you must not be that turned on becuase you're dry, I bet you got wet for your ex."

DP doesn't orgasm every time we have sex, he takes a long time, longer if he's masturbated that day, I don't orgasm every time. That's not the only point of sex.

You can get pleasure by incorporating him finishing himself during sex, you suck while he uses his hand, lay butt to butt with your legs over his and masturbate together, kiss while he uses his hand.

Some women can only orgasm from digital clitoral stimulation or vibrators. Doesn't mean they find their partner any less attractive. That's just their body.

Him being quick 15 years ago as a barely developed teen is irrelevant.

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