What went wrong with this friendship?

[Riddlediddle]

Been a group of friends since school. We didn't see each other regularly but across the year we always meet up for birthdays and christmas and have the odd girls night out as we are still all fairly local to each other. Plus have a WhatsApp group where we message just with general chit chat and life updates. For a while now I've been feeling like I'm being pushed out of the group - it's obvious when we do meet the the other 3 friends have been meeting up separately as they talk and laugh about places they've been together and things they've done as a 3 (e.g. shopping trips, coffee meet ups, going around to each other's houses for drinks even shows they've been to together). None of this has been mentioned on the WhatsApp group (which we always use to arrange our meet ups) so they've clearly been arranging things behind my back. The first time it happened I did say something and kind of got shot down and made to feel like it was just a one off and as I absolutely hate confrontation I've not had the confidence to say anything since. What puts the nail in the coffin for me though is that middle of last year I went through a relationship break up. This was massive for me as it was a very long relationship and we have dc together so it has obviously been an extremely difficult time for me. I updated the ladies on the situation via the chat and apart from the initial few sympathetic responses not one of them has reached out to me since to see how I am! We met up last night for one of their birthdays to have a meal and drinks and this would be the first time I'd actually seen them in person since the split. They all arrived together in a taxi (so again they've arranged this without me as i could also have been picked up en route due to being local) and basically barely acknowledged me during the night. Not one of them asked me how me or dc were or even for an update on my situation. Those 3 were chatting away about their new jobs and also about a holiday they've booked to go October. I felt like an absolute spare part the whole night. When I did tried to contribute to the conversation I basically got one or two word responses and then they would move back onto talking about themselves. I was brave and asked what holiday they were referring to and they admitted they'd booked a girls week away together and didn't invite me as they didn't think I'd be able to afford it. They're right in that I wouldn't be able to afford it currently however they didn't even ask to find that out so it all just feels so sneaky. I came away feeling so sad and deflated as I'm basically losing my lifelong group of friends and it's obvious they just don't care about me anymore and have moved on as a 3 as basically they now have so much more in common with their life positions. Outside of them I don't really have other friends so it really has hit me hard and feels like another rejection and another key relationship lost after I've just been through a traumatic split from my partner. I don't know what I'm really asking for to be honest but I just needed to get this out as I'm wondering if I've done anything wrong in this? As sad as it is do I just need to accept that the friendship is basically now over after all of these years?

This is heartbreaking to read
I would let them go
Leave group chats etc
I've had similar before and it's so hard

@solice84 thank you. You're right it is heartbreaking. All night I've been laying awake questioning myself and why they don't want me as part of the group anymore. I know I haven't done anything wrong though so I suppose I just have to accept that for whatever reason the friendship has come to an end.

What makes it a tougher pill to swallow is I put so much effort into making sure that I could go last night. I have my dc 95% of the time now so I had to go to great lengths to arrange childcare and also had to really save up to make sure I could afford it and I just got almost dismissed to the point I may as well have not even been there.
I guess I've been holding onto hopes of friendship for longer than I should have because without them I don't have anyone else and given my current situation as a single parent working full time I don't have opportunities or time to meet new people and build new friendships. I guess the fear of loneliness has made me hold onto the friendship longer than I should have given how badly they've treated me.

Did all this happen since you're breakup? I don't think you fit their mould anymore. They just don't want to say it so they're treating you badly so you'll walk away

I don't really know what to suggest
When I divorced I did spend a bit of time on the parenting apps and made a couple of new friends
Other than that I just concentrated on dc really
I started dating again after a few years

@forrestgreen there were seperate meet ups without me before the break up so it hasn't been just that but it has definitely escalated since then. You've summed it up perfectly - I don't fit their mould anymore. Now you've said it that sums up exactly how they've made me feel.

They're not your friends, or even decent people. Just cut them out of your life and don't fret about it. It's not you that's the problem.
You've had a difficult time and need to be with people who will genuinely care, and be friends. I understand that you feel lonely, and these women have been a friendship group for you, but that has gone.
It's tough, but you are better than this.

@solice84 thanks. My dc are my world and they will always be prioritised above anyone else and they give me such pride and happiness being their mum but I have almost a seperate feeling of failure that I'm a fully grown adult but have no solid adult friendships anymore. It just feels soul-destroying and unfortunately does make you question yourself when confidence is already low.

@Riddlediddle I totally get it

You're not a failure. You have two lovely children and you are being a good parent. You'll make more friends, it'll happen naturally, but for the moment concentrate on making your and your children's lives as positive as possible.

This is so shit OP, I really feel for you. I would distance myself from.them from now on. There are new friends out there waiting to be found - it's not easy and I don't think you've said how old your dcs are, but school gate/ work/ hobbies of your own when kids are older are all places where you might potentially meet new people. View it as a longterm project. Wishing you all the best 💐

Thanks all. I think the validation from you all that it is them being mean people helps. Just hearing that reassures me that I'm not at fault here (which I knew anyway) x

You really aren't at fault! You're obviously a good person, a responsible parent and a decent friend.
You'll find good friends, you just haven't met them yet! 🌻

I’m sorry this has happened and it does sound like they are not being your friends. Friendship groups are hard work. Like you, I got pushed out of a friendship group I valued, but years down the line I can see I just didn’t fit into that group neatly enough for them to keep including me. They were all coupled up, I wasn’t. I think it may have been that simple.

Right now you could do with connecting to other single parents who will empathise with your new situation.

You'll never know why those 3 women have pulled away from you and excluded you.

It's probably as simple as they don't feel that they have as much in common with you as they used to

Whatever their reasons, they aren't kind and they aren't compassionate....I don't have friends who aren't kind or compassionate and neither should you

This is what I'd do:

I'd mute the whatsapp group and never post on it again. I wouldn't leave immediately because it looks huffy and I prefer not to look huffy. But I'd mute it and ignore any posts.

I'd never go out with them again. Not ever. But, again, I wouldn't make a big song and dance about it. I would simply say that you're busy if they ask you ....say nothing if they don't ask you

I'd use this as an opportunity to draw a line in the sand and reevaluate your life. From top to bottom

Life has been tough for you recently, really tough, but you're living it and doing well. That's something to be SO proud of.

Now you need to live your BEST life and that doesn't include the 3 bitches.

🥰😍

This is so shit OP and I'm sorry this is happening to you. I know it's hard as you say they are your lifelong group of friends, however, they clearly don't see you the same way as you see them. They are being cruel and I would just distance yourself from them now and let them get on with their lives. Don't let them upset you any more than they already have because they don't care.
I have had a similar situation happen in the last 12 months, I have never had a group of friends but I did have a best friend of about 20 years who seemed to just not want to bother with me once I had my baby girl. It's a long, long story but I really struggled with PND and she not once asked how I was or how my baby was. She didn't even wish her a happy first birthday. I have given up making the effort with her now and haven't spoken to or seen her for nearly 6 months now. It's sad but I just made the decision to concentrate on my family.

@Bestyearever2024 thank you that really means a lot. Love your advice of just naturally drifting away from them as that is so much more my style than making a huffy statement and leaving the group.

@ellyfb so sorry to hear that you've been through something similar but glad to hear you're in a happier place now xx

@Riddlediddle this is so sad, but sadly friendships that appeared very solid can sometimes just vanish when someone’s circumstances change. It’s pointless to speculate, and there may be other reasons that you know nothing about, but it sounds most likely that they don’t want to get anywhere near your breakup. Very, very unkind, and I feel for you, the evening as you describe would have made me wretched too, making such an effort and then being left out.

Of course it will hit you hard, because of all the pain and rejection you’ve gone through. You’re not in the wrong to feel that. You’ve sustained long term friendships so you will make more in time, and your love for your children shines through x

OP that's so sad. I would leave the group chat and break off from them. Although I know how hard that must be for you, but they're not your friends.

I imagine there are various reasons - you can't afford to do the things they want to do & so they exclude you rather than find a different activity, they know you can't go on holiday due to cost & childcare, they are just at a different stage than you. They also probably don't want to hear about break up problems when they're out for the evening.

Could you suggest some activities that you can afford?

This is so shit of them. They are not nice people and at the very least lack emotional intelligence.
Hold your head up. No flouncing. Just don't respond. Xx

I like your suggestion @Bestyearever2024 of muting the WhatsApp, and not posting or going out with them again.

Just to add @Riddlediddle , if one of them does eventually go through a relationship breakup herself , I wouldn’t be surprised if she reached out to you then!

I agree to just focus on yourself for now.

I'd immediately detach from this group -send a quick breezy message saying something like you're having some phone free time or some issues have cropped up, take care everyone, and then leave the WhatsApp group?

Dragging things out or explaining/discussing will probably only affect your self-esteem negatively....if they even respond at all.

If anyone asks I either wouldn't reply or wouldn't give them any information, just confirm you're busy or send a smiley face. No messages or Christmas cards or anything. It will be a weight off your back and less emotional energy.

Of course you may meet new people in time. However, I wouldn't immediately start a project to meet new friends.

Firstly, you've been through a lot, and may come across as vulnerable or get in with the wrong types/users/predators?

Secondly, it is difficult meeting new people sometimes and I don't think you want to feel rejected again by more people!

Maybe it might be best to just build up a routine where you have some hobbies you enjoy and are good for your wellbeing (say exercise classes on YouTube could be free and done at home and are good for your MH). Or reading.

Like pps say treat things as a long term project. It may take 1-2 years but I wouldn't do anything "dramatic", just take time and small steps.

Get a home coffee machine or something and if you do meet people naturally, enjoy them but don't worry too much about chasing after people.

I've found it really good for me and my confidence improving my home environment, so I feel if I'm staying in it's a luxury...scented candles and being really diligent with tidying and revamping my home, and making it a real luxury staying in. I don't get FOMO as it's too nice in here! Maybe this is an option? Staying in is new going out in many ways.

A lot of people are in the same boat just focussing on work and money and home and family, without having a so-called girly gang (not that theres anything wrong with that, but it's not like compulsory!).

Look at all of us chatting shit on Mumsnet at weekends with our "successful" lives ;-) A lot of us have all been through relationship and friendship issues and improving our judgement on things as well.

Don't give them a breezy message.
Don't give them any kind of message.
I agree with pp - just mute and ignore, then delete. No explanation, no details, no loss of dignity.
Move on.