What went wrong with this friendship?

[Riddlediddle]

Been a group of friends since school. We didn't see each other regularly but across the year we always meet up for birthdays and christmas and have the odd girls night out as we are still all fairly local to each other. Plus have a WhatsApp group where we message just with general chit chat and life updates. For a while now I've been feeling like I'm being pushed out of the group - it's obvious when we do meet the the other 3 friends have been meeting up separately as they talk and laugh about places they've been together and things they've done as a 3 (e.g. shopping trips, coffee meet ups, going around to each other's houses for drinks even shows they've been to together). None of this has been mentioned on the WhatsApp group (which we always use to arrange our meet ups) so they've clearly been arranging things behind my back. The first time it happened I did say something and kind of got shot down and made to feel like it was just a one off and as I absolutely hate confrontation I've not had the confidence to say anything since. What puts the nail in the coffin for me though is that middle of last year I went through a relationship break up. This was massive for me as it was a very long relationship and we have dc together so it has obviously been an extremely difficult time for me. I updated the ladies on the situation via the chat and apart from the initial few sympathetic responses not one of them has reached out to me since to see how I am! We met up last night for one of their birthdays to have a meal and drinks and this would be the first time I'd actually seen them in person since the split. They all arrived together in a taxi (so again they've arranged this without me as i could also have been picked up en route due to being local) and basically barely acknowledged me during the night. Not one of them asked me how me or dc were or even for an update on my situation. Those 3 were chatting away about their new jobs and also about a holiday they've booked to go October. I felt like an absolute spare part the whole night. When I did tried to contribute to the conversation I basically got one or two word responses and then they would move back onto talking about themselves. I was brave and asked what holiday they were referring to and they admitted they'd booked a girls week away together and didn't invite me as they didn't think I'd be able to afford it. They're right in that I wouldn't be able to afford it currently however they didn't even ask to find that out so it all just feels so sneaky. I came away feeling so sad and deflated as I'm basically losing my lifelong group of friends and it's obvious they just don't care about me anymore and have moved on as a 3 as basically they now have so much more in common with their life positions. Outside of them I don't really have other friends so it really has hit me hard and feels like another rejection and another key relationship lost after I've just been through a traumatic split from my partner. I don't know what I'm really asking for to be honest but I just needed to get this out as I'm wondering if I've done anything wrong in this? As sad as it is do I just need to accept that the friendship is basically now over after all of these years?

I think @Bestyearever2024 is spot on. I’m glad her suggestion suits you.

I’ve been similarly dropped by a group of friends - I didn’t bounce back quick enough after a bereavement. A couple of those women did a couple of truly shitty things while the rest gave me the slow fade.

What they didn’t do was invite me out with the sole purpose of freezing me out during that evening.

They could’ve left you out and you wouldn’t have known so they invited you just for the opportunity to be cruel to you.

You will find other friends. It’s daunting and will take time but it will happen. Once you’ve found a new group, don’t settle for that. Try to build separate groups of friends and not be overly invested in any. As we’ve both learned, friendships can change and that hurts but it hurts less if you have other separate friends.

keep your chin up.

These people aren't your friends. You don't drop people because they can't afford to spend as much as you. Real friends would make adjustments to level things out. It's despicable that they didn't arrange taxi to include you. I think as you get older friendships do drop off and new ones form. You just need to accept that this bunch aren't the friends you thought they were. They sound horrible to be honest.

Hi
I'm in a similar situation with a friendship that has been central to my life for 20 years. Things haven't been right for a while and what I've realised is- this person isn't actually my friend. They don't want the best for me, they are not interested in my life other than the ways in which it services them. Now I see this clearly I can stop wasting my life with them and open myself up to new friendships that enrich my life. It's hard and I've had to be really brave and I know I'll be lonely. But at some point I'll look back and know this was the right thing to do.

It's interesting that she messaged you privately. She doesn't want one of the other 2, one of whom must be the Queen Bee, to know !

I was going to say this too. She thanked the others in the group chat but thanked you separately/privately....in my experience of women like this, that is because she can't look too friendly or nice towards you in front of them, which is because she joins them bitching about you, and putting you in the role of the barely tolerated group member.

They sound like a queen bee type and her two arse lickers. What a sad group dynamic. What an undesirable group dynamic (and sort of people).

I don't know why they still invited you to a few things .... To make themselves look/feel like nice people (when they're not). To have fodder/material to bitch about you and be derogatory about. Some people bond that way.

The not offering to give you a lift, even though they got there together, and then sneering at you not drinking because you couldn't afford an £80 taxi ......

These people are not friend material.

As a poster said, I bet if any of them get dumped/their relationships breaks down, they'll be all over you.

I also bet the queen bee and one of the others turn on the remains one when you've bowed out as the "let's bond over marginalising & ridiculing her" one.

Well done on your strength OP. I know who I would rather have as a friend! These women are nasty, shallow bitches. You are well rid of them.

You're clearing space for new friendships with decent people!

one of them has cheated multiple times on nights out kissing other men which ive personally witnessed and then ive been gaslighted

I think their general integrity is becoming clear ..... People think a cheater for example can be a good friend; rarely.

They sound really rude and immature. Who invites someone out then totally blanks them? I wouldn't be that rude to a stranger, never mind a friend!
There's nothing you can do really. Trying to discuss it probably won't come to anything other than upsetting you.
Can you try and make friends with some school mums, join a local hobby group, or set one up if you can't find one? Would you consider volunteering? That's a good way to meet people and do something positive. It's time to branch out your friendship circle. Those people don't deserve you as friends. Many others will though!

I think you serve a purpose to them, which is why they haven't completely cut you off. You might be the one they bond over to look down on, or feel sorry for, as they seem to be so much better off financially.
I wouldn't be surprised if you stop posting on the group chat that one of them (not the leader!) messages you directly to ask if 'you are ok'...
I like clean breaks so I would probably leave the chat and block them all !
So sorry you are being treated like this, and you deserve nicer friends.

To play devil's advocate, did you drop them as soon as you got on a relationship and only want to meet up more now you're single, whereas they've put the effort in to maintain a friendship with each other regardless of relationship status?

@Letsseeshallwe absolutely not! I was in a relationship for over 20 years and saw them regularly throughout that whole time so that's absolutely not the case. I'm also not asking to meet up more. As I said in my original post we meet up for birthdays, Christmases and then the odd girls night in between those dates too. It's always been that way.

It's hard when friendships drift and the fact they have stayed close is worse. It's pretty cruel of them to leave you out (playground behaviour) with a longstanding friendship relationship and social status shouldn't really be relevant.

Also the shitty comments and the fact that the friend thanked you separately (which suggests she didn't feel she could be nice to you on the group) they just don't sound like nice people.

I'd say a quiet distancing is the dignified way to go. Also they will never quite know why you did it. Which is satisfying.

I'd focus on your family and be open to new friendships if opportunity presents.

Later down the line you may feel like you need more and you can look at hobbies/meet up groups etc. or you may meet a partner and a friendship group could develop there.

The future holds many possibilities but for now you know your quality of life is better without these women.

i think you need to build your own strong friendship group so you can just have the occassional nice catch up with these girls but nothing more. Lower your expectations of these women and don’t depend on them for support. Find better friends. It’s fine for these girls to be closer to each other, you’ve probably all changed and grown up over the years

Youve had loads of great advice and support on the thread already, so I only have the following to add....you sound lovely - humble, self-aware, strong and all round fabulous. Your so-called friends sound like proper nasty little cunts - and I dont use that term lightly. If any of you spiteful little bints are reading this - you should be ashamed of yourselves. Grow up and try to be decent human beings FFS. Life is long and youd be amazed how the wheel turns.

Could you strike up new friendships with friends of your children's parents?
Try and free yourself to join a club or group?
I would no longer join the get togethers.

This. They are a pack of bitches and you deserve sooo much better. Leave the group with your head held high. Much better to be lonely than be treated like crap. You have your lovely children and you will make new friends xx

Do they invite you when it's convenient
Ie when they might get a present or you'll drive?

You've made the right decision. Better no one that school yard behaviour.

Theyre shit friends.
If one of our group couldn't afford it, the break away, we would probably club together if not too expensive so she could go (as long as she saved her spending money).
Ive had this ...you just know when youre excluded and being talked about. Break away OP... come off group...if you see them just be cordial. Get yourself on meetup and find local groups